Hey, if you’re a cool dude who needs your cool dude apartment to smell like a nice place to be, here’s a big tip.

Hey!

Go to your local store and buy a bottle of Pine-Sol, the world’s first and best naturally made synthetic air freshener.

I typed that as “air fresher” the first six times I tried.

If you don’t have a local store, move to someplace where there is one of those.

Next, go back to your cool dude apartment and take the Pine-Sol out of the organic bag you brought it home in.

Unscrew the bottle, and dump a quarter of it into your sink, which you’ve put the plug thing in already. I told you to do that in the sentence before the last one – it’s just I forgot to type that sentence.

No matter what size bottle you buy, pour out a quarter of it.

Fill the sink with water. Hot water!

Make sure it’s hot.

Let this sit all day, or until right before your hot babe date comes over.

Remind her to take her shoes off, because of what a cleanliness freak you are, and also because you don’t want her to leave.

Pretend to stub your toe if she starts to see the dust on your tables and TV.

Another idea is not to have any tables.

If she doesn’t mention how nice and clean your stud apartment smells, you did it wrong.

Add a small bucket to the living room next time.

All of this works.

Don’t drink any of the Pine-Sol – you’ll die.