Twilight, Nothing, Nothing

By On October 20, 2008 · 58 Comments · In Misc

(This is where it’s all stored when it’s shot.)

So I may have mentioned here that a friend sent me the Twilight books.

Being that the movie is coming in November, and they’re some kind of cultural phenomenon, I felt I should have a working knowledge.

I also assumed I could read them quickly, since they’re for teenage girls.

Vampires are cool, so how bad could they be, right?

Well…it’s taken me like three weeks to get to page 121 of the first book.

It’s here I had to stop and write this post, because I just had to vent.

This is some the worst stuff I’ve ever read – no hyperbole.

Page 121 and here’s everything that’s happened:

1) Girl moves to town.

1a) Girl describes every single thing she does in excessive detail.

1b) Girl describes the sky and trees in excessive detail.

2) Girl and guy stare at each other for 3 months.

3) Guy displays apparent super-speed and super-strength once. Is also pale, which Girl notes roughly 400 times on every page.

We get it – he’s a vampire. Get on with things already.

Keep in mind the only reason I’ve made it to 121 is because I’m now reading only the first sentence of every paragraph, and the dialog.

I did 3 pages like that, then went back and checked if I was picking everything up by reading them fully.

The answer is yes, which means there’s some bad writing happening here.

I guess it’s dumb to criticize this chick – she’s made a ton of money off these – but I can’t see the appeal, and one of my personalities is a 14 year old girl even.

Her name is Melinda and she’s super hot. She looks 18!

Posted via Blackberry from bed.

 
  • http://robgokee.com Rob Gokee

    You look pretty badass in your IMDb pic.

  • http://www.filmcomposeratlarge.com Rob Gokee

    You look pretty badass in your IMDb pic.

  • admin

    Wait until you see this thing we’re shooting down here – hilarious bad-assery abounds.

  • admin

    Wait until you see this thing we’re shooting down here – hilarious bad-assery abounds.

  • anon

    That’s really what you look like? It’s like watching a movie based on a book you’ve read, and saying, “not really what I pictured, but it will do.”

    After reading your nonsense for a few years, this is an earth-shattering revelation.

  • anon

    That’s really what you look like? It’s like watching a movie based on a book you’ve read, and saying, “not really what I pictured, but it will do.”

    After reading your nonsense for a few years, this is an earth-shattering revelation.

  • admin

    What did you think I looked like?

  • admin

    What did you think I looked like?

  • Boney

    If I were female, I’d lay on my back for the Admin

    that’s how cute he is

  • Boney

    If I were female, I’d lay on my back for the Admin

    that’s how cute he is

  • Mayor Ticklepants

    I’ve always pictured admin looking like Whoopi Goldberg.

  • Mayor Ticklepants

    I’ve always pictured admin looking like Whoopi Goldberg.

  • susie

    this is hilarious seeing how i also just looked at your imdb pic.

    you should give your friend the books back since you hate them so much.

  • susie

    this is hilarious seeing how i also just looked at your imdb pic.

    you should give your friend the books back since you hate them so much.

  • http://robgokee.com Rob Gokee

    Oh, I was looking at Whoopi Goldberg’s pic and thought it was you. Hold on…

    Oh, THAT’S what you look like. Oh yeah, I’d hit that.

    IF I WAS A GIRL, I mean. I forgot to mention that part.

  • http://www.filmcomposeratlarge.com Rob Gokee

    Oh, I was looking at Whoopi Goldberg’s pic and thought it was you. Hold on…

    Oh, THAT’S what you look like. Oh yeah, I’d hit that.

    IF I WAS A GIRL, I mean. I forgot to mention that part.

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    Yes, I have a question for the “Hey Deer!” deer. Assuming it hasn’t been mauled by the mountain lion in Akron.

    ok, deer? I started dating this girl based on the premise that she was like, smart and stuff, and would converse with me on the likes of Hemingway and Henry Miller and the such. Well, it’s been a while, and now she reads the Twilight books. Do I break up with her? Go on JenWatch? What do I do?????

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    Yes, I have a question for the “Hey Deer!” deer. Assuming it hasn’t been mauled by the mountain lion in Akron.

    ok, deer? I started dating this girl based on the premise that she was like, smart and stuff, and would converse with me on the likes of Hemingway and Henry Miller and the such. Well, it’s been a while, and now she reads the Twilight books. Do I break up with her? Go on JenWatch? What do I do?????

  • admin

    susie – I don’t know – I read like 100 pages last night with the “1st paragraph/dialog” method. In fact, I think I made it through the chapter where she does nothing but go to the woods and think in about 2 minutes! (That part should be awesome in the movie.)

    orange50 – I’m now of the opinion it was Hey Deer who ran away with Pencils, so I have no idea how to get ahold of him to get your question answered.

  • admin

    susie – I don’t know – I read like 100 pages last night with the “1st paragraph/dialog” method. In fact, I think I made it through the chapter where she does nothing but go to the woods and think in about 2 minutes! (That part should be awesome in the movie.)

    orange50 – I’m now of the opinion it was Hey Deer who ran away with Pencils, so I have no idea how to get ahold of him to get your question answered.

  • http://robgokee.com Rob Gokee

    I do admire that you’re forging through the book even though you detest it, I would have given up LONG ago.

  • http://www.filmcomposeratlarge.com Rob Gokee

    I do admire that you’re forging through the book even though you detest it, I would have given up LONG ago.

  • anon

    I don’t know, but I didn’t think you’d look exactly like Stephen Moyer.

  • anon

    I don’t know, but I didn’t think you’d look exactly like Stephen Moyer.

  • admin

    Someone tell me if that’s good or not.

  • admin

    Someone tell me if that’s good or not.

  • http://robgokee.com Rob Gokee
  • http://www.filmcomposeratlarge.com Rob Gokee
  • Mayor Ticklepants

    Well I think being a vampire would be pretty damn cool, ….soooo…. good.

  • Mayor Ticklepants

    Well I think being a vampire would be pretty damn cool, ….soooo…. good.

  • Mayor Ticklepants

    And where did anon get those cool shades???

  • Mayor Ticklepants

    And where did anon get those cool shades???

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    Awwwwww Stang!!!!

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    Awwwwww Stang!!!!

  • admin

    orange50 is old school.

  • admin

    orange50 is old school.

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    i MUST know what happened to that guy. did he kill her and himself, or was it just some harmless, gentle cutting.

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    i MUST know what happened to that guy. did he kill her and himself, or was it just some harmless, gentle cutting.

  • admin

    I’m actually using a lot of that stuff in another project, so you’ll find out hopefully next year sometime.

  • admin

    I’m actually using a lot of that stuff in another project, so you’ll find out hopefully next year sometime.

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    you bastard, you told me you didn’t write that one

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    you bastard, you told me you didn’t write that one

  • TVBrain

    2 days without a post.
    Yay!

  • TVBrain

    2 days without a post.
    Yay!

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    check yourself tvbrain, big kids are talking here….we need to sort this out. you write mary hartz too? next you’re gonna tell me the original ending in face/off had travolta winning…..or keyser soze was danny devito…..or mamba was a real film…hurricane relief games AREN’T like heavily edited crack?… or chris bosh IS a homosapien? roar. or skree. wtf

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    check yourself tvbrain, big kids are talking here….we need to sort this out. you write mary hartz too? next you’re gonna tell me the original ending in face/off had travolta winning…..or keyser soze was danny devito…..or mamba was a real film…hurricane relief games AREN’T like heavily edited crack?… or chris bosh IS a homosapien? roar. or skree. wtf

  • admin

    I thought I said in the last post I was gonna be too busy until like Wednesday

  • admin

    I thought I said in the last post I was gonna be too busy until like Wednesday

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    not too busy to shatter the dreams of the five of us who were here when Renee Herlocker and BDP (who won the BearMeat Angolan Medal of Freedom, fuckers) and and and and some dumbshit deer and a phony bisexual columnist…………ah screw it, i think i like things.

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    not too busy to shatter the dreams of the five of us who were here when Renee Herlocker and BDP (who won the BearMeat Angolan Medal of Freedom, fuckers) and and and and some dumbshit deer and a phony bisexual columnist…………ah screw it, i think i like things.

  • the mexican pulverizer

    This is the greatest vegetable tribute website ever.

  • the mexican pulverizer

    This is the greatest vegetable tribute website ever.

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    potatoes are vegetables?!? i’m having a bad day.

  • http://www.bushbeans.com/ orange5o

    potatoes are vegetables?!? i’m having a bad day.

  • buu
  • buu
  • the mexican pulverizer

    potatoes are whatever you want them to be.

  • the mexican pulverizer

    potatoes are whatever you want them to be.