(This is the summary for my proposed big-budget reboot of Saved by the Bell, titled Saved by the Bell Begins. If you missed the intro, including casting and excessive rationale, you can find it here.)
At the start of the movie, Zack Morris is finishing an action lawyer case for his star actoring client, who is Johnny Dakota, and that means Zack has to save Johnny from the marijuana terrorists’ rocket-powered water-blimp, and get him back to court in time to do a wink-and-click at the booty babes in the jury and win the trophy from the judge.
Zack does all of these things and captures the bad guys, because that means big money and celebrity-lawyer-based fame. Johnny wants to give him pot doobies, but instead Zack just takes sideline-access tickets to the Bayside City Tigers championship football game, where AC Slater is the star quarterback, and on the side he is a pro wrestler and a baseball player and a basketball star and has a pet chameleon named Artie that he keeps in his helmet, and Artie reminds him of the trick plays he can run to be a superstar and win the big game. Johnny is being famous and rings the Bayside City History Tradition Bell to start the game, and while that’s happening, Zack and Slater are having a new rivalry and doing double-flirting with a cheerleader, and she is Kelly Kapowski, and that’s a triple-word-score love triangle.
That’s when they announce the Presidential election results, and Rod Belding wins, and he is Keanu Reeves. Everyone is really excited because now Keanu will do his Special President Promise to install nuclear oil rigs all over Bayside City, and that means the people can get all the nuclear oil out of their part of the planet, and everyone will be rich when Keanu sells it to the gas stations for them.
Zack and Slater are doing their new snap-fingers handshake and being sorta-best-friends, when President Belding’s big brother Richard, who is Mr. Belding, who is Kevin Costner, is like, “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE…?” and he takes everyone to his special airplane, where his spy assistant Miss Bliss, who is Claire Forlani, and his spy nerd, who is Screech Powers, tells them that the nuclear oil is only a cover for Keanu’s real plan, and that the real plan is much worse, and they’re sure of this because they don’t even know what that plan is, and that’s the logic meme for this part of the movie.
(Oy! Part 2 tomorrow – if you found this enjoyable, you may want to check out my movie book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, which is online totally for free. Keanu is up to no good over there, as well. Also follow me on Twitter if you like things.)
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