Next on Jon & Kate + 8

By On June 4, 2009 · 17 Comments · In Girls, Marriage, TV, Twitter

I’ve only seen this show once for 10 minutes, but because I love reading about paparazzi action, I’ve recently become really into their adventures.

The summation is thus: they had twins, then had an additional litter of six. TOTAL OF EIGHT KIDS. Got a reality show on TLC.

Kate is a slightly controlling/cold sort, who’s become enamored with her own fame and looks like a completely different human than she did two years ago.

She’s also stated for the record that she has an “obligation to the public” to keep her children on TV for the duration of their collective childhoods.

As you can imagine, Jon looks like he wishes he were still eligible to go on spring break.

Allegations and rumors of two-way marital malfunctions are rampant, and the kids have no chance. I’ve been talking it up on Twitter.

Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Jon slings a guitar over his shoulder and walks away from the house in slow motion.

Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Jon drinks by himself in the dark and listens to Dido.

Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Jon watches Fight Club 47 times in a row.

Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Kate grounds the kids for not spending their allowance on her new book.

Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Jon fails in his attempt to snowboard into a tree at 88 miles per hour.

Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Jon makes up a fairy tale to explain his new cutting habit to the kids.

Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Kate hires a marketing firm to re-brand the twins.

Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Jon is conflicted when he learns his will to live is no longer part of the ongoing storyline.

Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Kate considers whether to re-conceptualize the show as Kate & Kate + Kate.

Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Jon decides to hide his soul @Public_Storage in case Kate wants a snack.

Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Jon has a nervous breakdown when he sees an old friend as a contestant on The Bachelorette.

This will go on until I run out, which should be never.

Their media onslaught has inspired me to sit down and actually watch the show, so I haven’t even begun to mine material. The one segment I did see was Kate telling the kids they were getting puppies, and then stating that she’d already named them, and those names were not negotiable. I need to see it again, but I’m pretty sure you can actually see the life-force of one of the twins drain from their body at that point.

Side note: avid blog participant @alexiskn has reviewed Prelude to a Super Airplane over at her secret identity website. She has Disqus comment/points system, so go be all, “OH YEAH GIRL!!” like @jerryricetwo.

Add’l side note: I have no Finals pick – I’m just not interested. Sorry. :(

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here – it’s available in paperback, or iPhone/Kindle for only 1.99.)

 
  • http://twitter.com/dennymayo Dennymayo

    But who would Jon pick to win the Finals?

  • http://twitter.com/dennymayo Dennymayo

    But who would Jon pick to win the Finals?

  • http://www.wordwebbing.com/ netta

    Hysterical, and so on point.

    It's a train wreck. I feel bad for the kids, and the parents should be given a pair of cement boots and a cruise to the bottom of the Mississippi for what they've done to those kids. I wouldn't even call them “parents”, just breeders.

    I'd be interested to see what kind of careers the kids choose. Tell us. :)

  • http://www.wordwebbing.com/ netta

    Hysterical, and so on point.

    It's a train wreck. I feel bad for the kids, and the parents should be given a pair of cement boots and a cruise to the bottom of the Mississippi for what they've done to those kids. I wouldn't even call them “parents”, just breeders.

    I'd be interested to see what kind of careers the kids choose. Tell us. :)

  • Greg Odens tonsils

    GO LAKERS.

  • Greg Odens tonsils

    GO LAKERS.

  • http://clg-entertainment.com/ Shon Bacon

    One, I feel you on the finals…NBA is about the only professional sport I don't care about.

    As for Jon and Kate, I'm SO tired of these two and their brood, but like everything else, success breeds more of the same and now everybody is trying to find their multiple-birthing mother and strained fam to pimp.

    Pitiful. Thanks for the laugh though. Expected nothing less.

  • http://clg-entertainment.com/ Shon Bacon

    One, I feel you on the finals…NBA is about the only professional sport I don't care about.

    As for Jon and Kate, I'm SO tired of these two and their brood, but like everything else, success breeds more of the same and now everybody is trying to find their multiple-birthing mother and strained fam to pimp.

    Pitiful. Thanks for the laugh though. Expected nothing less.

  • Wish

    Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Kate peruses through the suicide portion of the Bible while Jon is out banging some other chick.

    Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Jon begins to set up off-shore checking accounts and asks TLC to pay him in cash to prepare for the pending divorce.

    Next on Jon & Kate +8, Aiden is eaten by Sasquatch when Jon takes the kids for a walk in the woods.

  • Wish

    Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Kate peruses through the suicide portion of the Bible while Jon is out banging some other chick.

    Next on Jon & Kate + 8, Jon begins to set up off-shore checking accounts and asks TLC to pay him in cash to prepare for the pending divorce.

    Next on Jon & Kate +8, Aiden is eaten by Sasquatch when Jon takes the kids for a walk in the woods.

  • http://alexisreviews.tumblr.com alexiskn

    thaaaaaanks for the linkage! :)

    i totally feel bad for Jon. also, i have a friend who calles me “Ayexis” cuz that's how their daugher Alexis says her name, apparently.

    GO MAGIC!!! BLUE AND WHITE IGNITE!!! (yeah, that doesn't make any sense to me either.)

  • http://alexisreviews.tumblr.com alexiskn

    thaaaaaanks for the linkage! :)

    i totally feel bad for Jon. also, i have a friend who calles me “Ayexis” cuz that's how their daugher Alexis says her name, apparently.

    GO MAGIC!!! BLUE AND WHITE IGNITE!!! (yeah, that doesn't make any sense to me either.)

  • cambie

    Next on Jon & Kate + 8 Jon finally pushes Kate off a cliff and finds a woman who isn't such a damn life sucking harpie.

  • cambie

    Next on Jon & Kate + 8 Jon finally pushes Kate off a cliff and finds a woman who isn't such a damn life sucking harpie.

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    Next on Jon & Kate + 8 – the producers tell Kate she's a horrible c word that rhymes with runt while the key grip tries to push Kate down the stairs.

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    Next on Jon & Kate + 8 – the producers tell Kate she's a horrible c word that rhymes with runt while the key grip tries to push Kate down the stairs.

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    Next on Jon & Kate + 8 – the producers tell Kate she's a horrible c word that rhymes with runt while the key grip tries to push Kate down the stairs.