I’ve been working on this script for something that’s being put together, and I’m a little back and forth on the writing style – I do think my time in novel-land messed with me just a bit.
Anyway, here’s a small piece.
Chelsea follows Jazz to the back – she’s all giddy as she passes Colleen, who notices Timothy being all fidgety and nervous. She sits next to him and gives him a napkin.
COLLEEN
Here.
TIMOTHY
We’ll get out of this, right? He can do this?
He takes the napkin all thankfully, but he’s terrified – NOT EVEN THE NAPKIN IS HELPING.
COLLEEN
(hesitant)
I’ve seen Jazz do some...
(beat)
I was at the Jefferson Incident. The Memorial.
TIMOTHY
I know that, Miss Burns.
He unfolds the napkin and starts tearing it up.
TIMOTHY (CONT’D)
I know a lot of things I shouldn’t.
Anyway, the part I’m questioning is the action line that ends with the big “NOT EVEN THE NAPKIN IS HELPING”. Especially the end, but the whole line is in question.
Debating with myself:
1) It does nothing to help from a production angle – it’s really a bunch superfluous words, and there are more compact ways of getting the point across that the napkin isn’t making him more at ease.
Example: He takes the napkin – it brings no comfort.
2) On the other hand, this isn’t a shooting script, and the way it’s written all over-dramatic to the point of stupid helps put across the ridiculous-played-straight tone of the material.
It needs to be played like this napkin should be a Xanax or something, and this is a way to do that without having to be all “even though it’s a napkin, he takes it from her like it should be relaxing him”.
At the same time, I do know that some readers will need their hand held like that, though. (And that’s fine – they’re not predisposed to like this, if I had to guess.)
3) A lot of the script is written in this style, and it reads FUNNY. So tell a coherent a-b-c story along with that, and you’re in good shape – a good story that made you laugh is a successful comedy screenplay.
I dunno – my thoughts – would love yours.
NOTE: For you Prelude to a Super Airplane fans, Timothy is someone you will know, at least indirectly. (It’s not Colonel T, and this story takes place in 2001.)
