Lies Girls Tell

In the days of yore when I was plying my trade as a single man I once told a girl I was an accountant to get her to go home with me. Not because accountants are cool but to see just how boring of a job I could have and still get the girl. That's how attractive I am or was? Who knows.

In the next trial I told a girl that I was a male secretary. That didn't work so well.

Another time I told a girl that I had six bunnies tethered together at my apartment in order to get her back there. When we showed up and there were no bunnies I had to fake being upset about it which lead to a great return on my fake bunny investment. When all else fails, go with fake bunnies….or squirrels.

In the days of yore when I was plying my trade as a single man I once told a girl I was an accountant to get her to go home with me. Not because accountants are cool but to see just how boring of a job I could have and still get the girl. That's how attractive I am or was? Who knows.

In the next trial I told a girl that I was a male secretary. That didn't work so well.

Another time I told a girl that I had six bunnies tethered together at my apartment in order to get her back there. When we showed up and there were no bunnies I had to fake being upset about it which lead to a great return on my fake bunny investment. When all else fails, go with fake bunnies….or squirrels.

While at the mall during my senior year in high school, two elementary school girls, thinking I was Justin Timberlake, came and asked me for my autograph. I signed it.

While at the mall during my senior year in high school, two elementary school girls, thinking I was Justin Timberlake, came and asked me for my autograph. I signed it.

Tell us what its like Brian, some hand-holding action FOR REAL?

Tell us what its like Brian, some hand-holding action FOR REAL?

my dad used to always say he could've been Eric Clapton. i don't really know how that works, but i believed it.

when i was in elementary school, my friends and i convinced a new kid that my dad was Clint Eastwood.

Edward Norton was my cousin for a while when i was in undergrad.

I told a guy in a bar once that my friend Gemma was my wife. his response was a weird disgusted face just before he walked away. i thought this was an odd response, but i accomplished my goal.

that little robot story is kind of amazing and i hope it's true. my current iPhone background is a drawing of a robot with hearts around it and it says “i love robots”. this is not a lie and i can provide proof. (also, for the record, it's been there for a couple weeks… i didn't just change it because i read your story. i swear.)

my dad used to always say he could've been Eric Clapton. i don't really know how that works, but i believed it.

when i was in elementary school, my friends and i convinced a new kid that my dad was Clint Eastwood.

Edward Norton was my cousin for a while when i was in undergrad.

I told a guy in a bar once that my friend Gemma was my wife. his response was a weird disgusted face just before he walked away. i thought this was an odd response, but i accomplished my goal.

that little robot story is kind of amazing and i hope it's true. my current iPhone background is a drawing of a robot with hearts around it and it says “i love robots”. this is not a lie and i can provide proof. (also, for the record, it's been there for a couple weeks… i didn't just change it because i read your story. i swear.)

i like trying to pick up girls whilst telling them my name is Thor. 0-many.

i like trying to pick up girls whilst telling them my name is Thor. 0-many.

Provide the proof – I love the Edward Norton story lol

Provide the proof – I love the Edward Norton story lol

It's sultry and seductive, of course.

It's sultry and seductive, of course.

yeah, i tweetered it too, but here: http://twitpic.com/649xz

yeah, i tweetered it too, but here: http://twitpic.com/649xz

I hope you both wore gloves.

I hope you both wore gloves.

Hand holding action? That's pretty much a home run, right?

Hand holding action? That's pretty much a home run, right?

Yay! Alexis Kay-En has an iPhone too!!!

Yay! Alexis Kay-En has an iPhone too!!!

This is a home run:

http://www.explosionsandboobs.com/

This is a home run:

http://www.explosionsandboobs.com/

“I got some hand-holding action FOR REAL.” #liesbriantells

“I got some hand-holding action FOR REAL.” #liesbriantells

omg another female commenter…

the girl:guy ratio is now 17:1

welcome Cambie!

omg another female commenter…

the girl:guy ratio is now 17:1

welcome Cambie!

Brians middle name is “Danger”. Do you think he wore a glove??? Negative two points!

Brians middle name is “Danger”. Do you think he wore a glove??? Negative two points!

My middle name is Door wtf

My middle name is Door wtf

1 point and a raisin (old school!)

1 point and a raisin (old school!)

Negative 1.7 points for lying, liar.

Negative 1.7 points for lying, liar.

raw-shawn*

-2

raw-shawn*

-2

ouch, you actually took a point. that hurt

ouch, you actually took a point. that hurt

I give all the girls points.

I give all the girls points.

You wish.

You wish.

You of all people should know there's no such thing as joking when it comes to raisin/raisons

You of all people should know there's no such thing as joking when it comes to raisin/raisons

cleeeeeeeeevland basketball!

cleeeeeeeeevland basketball!

hooray for phantom foul calls, fouls where LeBron initiates all the contact and Zydrunas being allowed to take 4 steps on a dunk attempt!

hooray for Game 7!!!

hooray for phantom foul calls, fouls where LeBron initiates all the contact and Zydrunas being allowed to take 4 steps on a dunk attempt!

hooray for Game 7!!!

Hooray for “Cavs blowing a 22-point lead” kinda blowing a hole in your conspiracy theory.

Hooray for “Cavs blowing a 22-point lead” kinda blowing a hole in your conspiracy theory.

c'mon, i went retro. sometimes i mix it up and talk about craisins. or…

little grapes!

c'mon, i went retro. sometimes i mix it up and talk about craisins. or…

little grapes!

suck it bianchi:

“All hail LeBron, for he has proven in this series why he is the greatest player in the NBA right now. As much as he is fawned over by the media and the league, you have to admit the man is phenomenal.”

suck it bianchi:

“All hail LeBron, for he has proven in this series why he is the greatest player in the NBA right now. As much as he is fawned over by the media and the league, you have to admit the man is phenomenal.”

Each game is a definitive and eternal statement – one that lasts until the next game. Newspapers would be wise to take the funds used on sports columnists and use it on some actual investigative reporting.

Did Bill Livingston write a new “LeBron is so good” piece this morning?

Each game is a definitive and eternal statement – one that lasts until the next game. Newspapers would be wise to take the funds used on sports columnists and use it on some actual investigative reporting.

Did Bill Livingston write a new “LeBron is so good” piece this morning?

ive never read this guy, but from the two excerpts you've posted here, i really don't like him.

ive never read this guy, but from the two excerpts you've posted here, i really don't like him.

…unless of course for some reason he's of the Bianchi bicycles family, and in that case i wanna make “friends” with him so i can get a free bike.

what is a bill livingston?

what is a bill livingston?

i've never read him either, i saw his first excerpt on truehoop and sought out the second to see what the windbag was saying..

i've never read him either, i saw his first excerpt on truehoop and sought out the second to see what the windbag was saying..

I'm bringing JenWatch back in a new format.

I'm bringing JenWatch back in a new format.

I bet you do, sinner.

I bet you do, sinner.

aww stang. i wonder if this will be like star trek where GOt or someone loves it but i am nonplussed.

i'm all for it. just don't bring back mary hartz :(

aww stang. i wonder if this will be like star trek where GOt or someone loves it but i am nonplussed.

i'm all for it. just don't bring back mary hartz :(

Everyone go leave comments at Boney's nonblog.

Everyone go leave comments at Boney's nonblog.

Web series – which strangely enough is how I always saw it, but four years ago it wasn't quite time.

Web series – which strangely enough is how I always saw it, but four years ago it wasn't quite time.

Why did you like JenWatch so much btw?

The one I really should've kept was Hey Deer. :/

Why did you like JenWatch so much btw?

The one I really should've kept was Hey Deer. :/

haha i don't really even remember much of what went on there, just the stang line. and i liked the stang line. yes.

i do remember Hey Deer, like the one about what to do when you are shot, etc., and that was some quality stuff….

haha i don't really even remember much of what went on there, just the stang line. and i liked the stang line. yes.

i do remember Hey Deer, like the one about what to do when you are shot, etc., and that was some quality stuff….

hot.

hot.

i still think you and boney are the same person

i think you and boney are the same person

This guy stole your schtick.
http://www.peterserafinowicz.com/index.php/2009...

This guy stole your schtick.
http://www.peterserafinowicz.com/index.php/2009...

That's my name for the fist under chin fat face pose.

That's my name for the fist under chin fat face pose.

don't be a dick

don't be a dick

Why did Kwame destroy my birthday cake? :(

Why did Kwame destroy my birthday cake? :(

what's up what happened in the cavs game did they win? i bet they won. lebron probably went off for 50 he is such a great leader MVP BABY 2009 NBA CHAMPIONS WOOO!!!!

what's up what happened in the cavs game did they win? i bet they won. lebron probably went off for 50 he is such a great leader MVP BABY 2009 NBA CHAMPIONS WOOO!!!!

hopefully that means you think I'm funny and not because you think Brian is annoying

hopefully that means you think I'm funny and not because you think Brian is annoying

what's up what happened in the cavs game did they win? i bet they won. lebron probably went off for 50 he is such a great leader MVP BABY 2009 NBA CHAMPIONS WOOO!!!!

hopefully that means you think I'm funny and not because you think Brian is annoying