A Han Solo Movie is a Pretty Terrible Idea, Even My Mom Knows That, and Nobody Has Even Told Her About It

Recasting Han Solo is the last reason a movie featuring the character is a bad idea.

The Ongoing Adventures of Han Solo isn’t terrible on a conceptual level, but I can’t help but think that instead of a random tale from the life of a galactic smuggler, we’d get this.

EXT. JABBA’S PALACE – DAY

Establishing shot. A small SPACE TOAD tries to eat a bug, but its mouth is TOO LITTLE. It gets a look like MAYBE ONE DAY.

INT. JABBA’S PALACE – DAY

HAN SOLO, early 20s and EFFEMINATE, sits with a tough, older smuggler, BRISP SIAKR.

BRISP

Gonna need a new look, kid.

HAN

Stop calling me “kid”.

BRISP

Then stop lookin’ like a kid, kid. Good smuggler’s a little scruffy. Like this.

Brisp shows off his COOL VEST. Han tries to touch it, a DESTINY LOOK on his face.

BRISP (CONT’D)

Hands off, sweetheart. I love this vest.

Han takes a DRAMATIC PAUSE.

HAN

I know.

Behind them, JABBA THE HUTT slides out on a large PLATFORM. YOUNG BIB FORTUNA shoves two NERF-HERDERS out of the platform’s way.

Han STARES with his DESTINY FACE. Brisp leans in and whispers.

BRISP

Quit starin’, kid.

(off Han’s look)

You don’t screw with Jabba, ever.

HAN

Ever?

BRISP

Ever.

Han tries not to stare, but sneaks another peak, and Jabba WINKS at him. Han gets his DESTINY FACE even more.

BRISP

Take a look.

Brisp shows Han a picture of the MILLENIUM FALCON.

Even if they can avoid the above and make a solid Han Solo film, I’m not sure why they would.

Particularly at this juncture, any film put out under the Star Wars banner will be an instant pop culture moment, and be massively successful. There’s just no way it won’t be.

Why not take that opportunity to introduce an entirely new character, concept, and even timeframe or era?

Were I in charge of the franchise, there’d be an unwritten rule that any non-Episode 7-9 films have to take place either 500 years before or after the Skywalker Era.

  • http://twitter.com/captntoaster The Fuck?!

    was hoping for a “Rise of the Jedi” Type movie. Like an ‘Old Republic’ Movie! Or even ‘Rise of Yoda’ or something to that effect.