Foods I've Neglected

By On February 9, 2009 · 45 Comments · In Cleveland Cavaliers, Food, Girls, Misc

So for some reason it came up on Twitter that I had never had mustard before.

It was probably because I randomly said it out of nowhere, but it may have had something to do with the Cavs’ insistence over the past month on playing outside-in, rather than inside-out, as well as their loss of consistent defensive organization.

In any case, I decided to make a list, because I was shocked at some of these common foods I’ve never had inside my head. I’ll try to supply a long and detailed rationale where I can.

1) Mustard. It looks gross.

2) Pickles. They look gross.

3) Mayonnaise. It smells gross.

4) Beets/Radishes. They can talk.

5) Anything Mexican that isn’t a taco or burrito. I don’t know.

6) Baked Beans. They look gross.

7) Baked Potato. I think I blame sour cream?

8) Sour cream. It looks gross.

9) Cole Slaw. It looks gross.

10) Egg Nog. It seems gross conceptually.

11) Potato Salad. It has mayonnaise.

12) Relish. It looks gross.

13) Cream Cheese. It smells gross.

14) Cottage Cheese. It looks gross.

15) Guacamole. It looks green and gross.

I think that’s everything. You may notice there are a lot of condiments on here. I can’t explain that – I’ve always liked things very plain. My brother and sister are the same way – like with dogs, this is somehow mom’s fault.

I haven’t eaten bacon in probably 15 years.

The first time I went to Subway, I basically had a ham sandwich with lettuce on it. No, it wasn’t basically – that’s what I had. I didn’t understand why it was weird, and then I made out with my girlfriend in the Subway bathroom for six hours.

That’s how I lost my virginity. The end thx.

 
  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-roberge/a-statistical-guide-to-hi_b_160042.html Bob (aka Tom)

    Um…baked potatoes? They are so, so plain. And the website? I'm confused, Brian. Help me.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    Um…baked potatoes? They are so, so plain. And the website? I'm confused, Brian. Help me.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    I think it's irony?

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    I think it's irony?

  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-roberge/a-statistical-guide-to-hi_b_160042.html Bob (aka Tom)

    That is indeed an appropriate use of the word irony. Thanks.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    That is indeed an appropriate use of the word irony. Thanks.

  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-roberge/a-statistical-guide-to-hi_b_160042.html Bob (aka Tom)

    What about chicken liver pate? Sweetbreads? Blood sausage? Mmm…blood sausage.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    What about chicken liver pate? Sweetbreads? Blood sausage? Mmm…blood sausage.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    This was common foods only, Tom.

    wtf?

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    This was common foods only, Tom.

    wtf?

  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-roberge/a-statistical-guide-to-hi_b_160042.html Bob (aka Tom)

    Common is a relative term, Brian.

    Also, I really wanted to read your reactions to these organ foods.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    Common is a relative term, Brian.

    Also, I really wanted to read your reactions to these organ foods.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    wtf again?

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    wtf again?

  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-roberge/a-statistical-guide-to-hi_b_160042.html Bob (aka Tom)

    I need entertaining.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    I need entertaining.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    I sent you a link – just watch it over and over until you're delirious.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    I sent you a link – just watch it over and over until you're delirious.

  • goathair

    Yeah, but do you like the Cavs' mustard jerseys?

  • goathair

    Yeah, but do you like the Cavs' mustard jerseys?

  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-roberge/a-statistical-guide-to-hi_b_160042.html Bob (aka Tom)

    So THAT was the werewolf reference. Were you giddy watching him shoot this?

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    So THAT was the werewolf reference. Were you giddy watching him shoot this?

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Yes there was some kind of pop culture full circle completion wrt to my childhood.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Yes there was some kind of pop culture full circle completion wrt to my childhood.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    I want the royal blues…at the Q…

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    I want the royal blues…at the Q…

  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-roberge/a-statistical-guide-to-hi_b_160042.html Bob (aka Tom)

    How about some condolences for the Knicks: Lakers, Cavs, Celtics, all in a row, and then Roy beats them at the buzzer. Dream week sucked.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    How about some condolences for the Knicks: Lakers, Cavs, Celtics, all in a row, and then Roy beats them at the buzzer. Dream week sucked.

  • ColonelT

    I know for an absolute fact — with 0% uncertainty no less — that you've eaten a baked potato.

  • ColonelT

    I know for an absolute fact — with 0% uncertainty no less — that you've eaten a baked potato.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    When? Twice-baked don't count, because those are just mashed potatoes put back inside a potato skin.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    When? Twice-baked don't count, because those are just mashed potatoes put back inside a potato skin.

  • ColonelT

    Mountain Jack's, 1990-ish. Prior to your becoming uber-health boy. You even took at least two toppings off the rotating salad toppings thing in the middle of the table.

  • ColonelT

    Mountain Jack's, 1990-ish. Prior to your becoming uber-health boy. You even took at least two toppings off the rotating salad toppings thing in the middle of the table.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Oh come on – there's no way to verify this. I figured you say it was your wedding reception or some other landmark event.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Oh come on – there's no way to verify this. I figured you say it was your wedding reception or some other landmark event.

  • ColonelT

    Every dinner at Mountain Jack's was a landmark event. Why do you hate Mom and Dad?

  • ColonelT

    Every dinner at Mountain Jack's was a landmark event. Why do you hate Mom and Dad?

  • TVBrain

    That’s how I lost my virginity. The end thx.

    Did you use a condiment?

  • TVBrain

    That’s how I lost my virginity. The end thx.

    Did you use a condiment?

  • Sara

    The only things I like on that list are pickles and baked potatoes. The rest of that crap is definitely gross, but I've never tried them either.

  • Sara

    The only things I like on that list are pickles and baked potatoes. The rest of that crap is definitely gross, but I've never tried them either.

  • alexiskn

    (ok i know this is an old post but i just have to comment here)

    WHOA! whoa. whoa whoa whoa WHOA! your url is “mad props to baked potatoes” and… YOU'VE NEVER EATEN ONE?1?!?!?! can i possibly take back that twitter shout out i gave you that one time?? (not the giant twitter crush one, the “mad props to baked potatoes (.com)” one.) im so disappointed in you, Bri-Bri. disappointed, but i suppose ill forgive it.

    also, it is now my goal in life to get you to eat a baked potato so as to make you NOT A LIAR!! my face is so sad right now.

  • http://alexisreviews.tumblr.com alexiskn

    (ok i know this is an old post but i just have to comment here)

    WHOA! whoa. whoa whoa whoa WHOA! your url is “mad props to baked potatoes” and… YOU'VE NEVER EATEN ONE?1?!?!?! can i possibly take back that twitter shout out i gave you that one time?? (not the giant twitter crush one, the “mad props to baked potatoes (.com)” one.) im so disappointed in you, Bri-Bri. disappointed, but i suppose ill forgive it.

    also, it is now my goal in life to get you to eat a baked potato so as to make you NOT A LIAR!! my face is so sad right now.

  • http://alexisreviews.tumblr.com alexiskn

    (ok i know this is an old post but i just have to comment here)

    WHOA! whoa. whoa whoa whoa WHOA! your url is “mad props to baked potatoes” and… YOU'VE NEVER EATEN ONE?1?!?!?! can i possibly take back that twitter shout out i gave you that one time?? (not the giant twitter crush one, the “mad props to baked potatoes (.com)” one.) im so disappointed in you, Bri-Bri. disappointed, but i suppose ill forgive it.

    also, it is now my goal in life to get you to eat a baked potato so as to make you NOT A LIAR!! my face is so sad right now.