Hey you were great on Wheel of Fortune last night – that was hilarious [...]]]> I was on Facebook trying to figure out why all the Catholic dating ads were getting shown to me when I decided to post something inspiring on my sister’s wall, so that she could have a great day at work.

Hey you were great on Wheel of Fortune last night – that was hilarious how you kept blurting out the answers when it wasn’t your turn lol

I expected her to ignore this, but it didn’t take long before she topped that completely, and without any room for me to deny it.

remember when I asked to buy a vowel and i bought a W. and there were 5 of them. and then pat didn’t make me pay for them because w’s not a vowel

The twist to the entire situation is that I was the one who ended up inspired, and did a Twitter at myself.

@brianspaeth i love you

That’s all. Goodbye.

Both @michaelgraham and I had Indiana Jones and His Last Crusade on this weekend, and this became apparent when we started acting like penitent men passing at the same time on Twitter.

Toward the end, some observations were made. This one was mine:

that knight looks at Indy like well [...]]]> (Pictured: #WritingTools)

Both @michaelgraham and I had Indiana Jones and His Last Crusade on this weekend, and this became apparent when we started acting like penitent men passing at the same time on Twitter.

Toward the end, some observations were made. This one was mine:

that knight looks at Indy like well I see women haven’t changed much in 700 years lol

Don’t get mad at that – watch the embed at the end of this post (skip to 1:05) and how the Knight and Indy look at each other.

Michael noted:

he has been there for 700 years guarding the Cup of Christ and she doesn’t even know he’s in the room so typical

More than anything, this made a lot of sense to me:

why don’t they just build out the interior of that place with condos etc and stay

It’s warm, there’s lots of space, and they can go get some immortality drinks whenever they need them. It’s not like they can’t travel around and do other things. The Knight is still the guy tasked with guarding the thing, and he seems willing to let everyone use it.

My favorite part is the end:

the Knight’s like thanks for stopping by losing my cup and leaving me with nothing to do for eternity

The end.

Why is this in Spanish and also subtitled in Spanish.

For example, when I ran across the below, I sincerely considered for some 20 seconds which “put” should be deleted.

After that I went and looked in the mirror for awhile.

The content has nothing to do with what I’m talking about here – it just has some correct grammar I want to dismantle.

When someone moves on, when she walks away or [...]]]> The link is three months old, but there’s something I want to point out in this post from Seth Godin.

The content has nothing to do with what I’m talking about here – it just has some correct grammar I want to dismantle.

When someone moves on, when she walks away or even badmouths you or your work, it’s not personal about you. It’s personal about her. Her agenda, her decisions, her story.

I would (and do) write such sentences like this:

When someone moves on, when they walk away or even badmouth you or your work, it’s not personal about you. It’s personal about them. Their agenda, their decisions, their story.

The first version just doesn’t sound right to me in any way. It paints a picture that the subject is female (or male, if the writer chooses to make it such) and can therefore put a picture in the reader’s head that may not apply.

Like if you’re reading that in order to learn how to not be affected by criticism, and your critic is male, in some small way, you’re taken out of the scenario and its application to you.

I know it has to do with plurals and being upset and such, but it’s never seemed correct to me, and I never do it.

Am I crazy.

I don’t remember learning the text, shooting the footage, editing the vid, or making this blog post. I do have a flash or looking for the background music online.

The point is, I’ve been sick three times in the [...]]]> Only the first book, but I was pretty impressed with myself after watching the video back.

I don’t remember learning the text, shooting the footage, editing the vid, or making this blog post. I do have a flash or looking for the background music online.

The point is, I’ve been sick three times in the past +/-7 weeks, which is more than I’ve been sick in ten years.

I’m probably dying. Goodbye forever, just like my last post.

Should I memorize Harry the Potter Book 2: Harry the Potter and the Tomb of Doves or not.

Since I have a handiness score of +/-2 (out of 10), I texted this girl and dealt with it the only way I knew how.

I start the conversation, and like if there’s a space, it’s switching to her.

my power just went out
the gate won’t open [...]]]> My power went out yesterday.

Since I have a handiness score of +/-2 (out of 10), I texted this girl and dealt with it the only way I knew how.

I start the conversation, and like if there’s a space, it’s switching to her.

my power just went out
the gate won’t open either – it’s the whole bldg i’m trapped forever goodbye

I can get in the front door maybe?

oh i can get out the walking gate, it’s the parking lot gate that won’t open

I get it you’re not totally trapped. Bike to the gym maybe?

does water work when the power is out
can i take a shower
why don’t i know any of this lol

Did you call someone yet?

yeah i was shouting at this homeless guy walking by to come help me lol
how come cell phones work when the power is out
no for real who do i call

The landlord? The electric company? lol

i might just kill myself
it’s already been off for too long i’m killing myself goodbye forever
bye please finish the super airplane sequel for me and you better finish it right and don’t make monstero how you want him and also you better format it right you idiot
also add an extra chapter about muscles
lol bye

It was fun bds.

oops it just came back on
i was about to cut me neck #lucky

Have you ever had your power go out for almost 30 minutes before. Was it the worst thing that’s ever happened to you, like it was for me.

Some of these are past their time – there were two separate attempts at Occupy Wall Street commentary – but several are what one could consider timeless.

For example, what you’re reading right now [...]]]> I went to fire up a new blog post this morning and noticed I have 43 entries in Draft form.

Some of these are past their time – there were two separate attempts at Occupy Wall Street commentary – but several are what one could consider timeless.

For example, what you’re reading right now had nothing but the picture and this blockquote:

If you plant it in the garden it will grow more fish. lol

I’m not sure what the quote is from, although it seems like something I’d say. The portion where I point out how funny I think the statement is would be a good clue to that, also.

I’m certain the HelpMe-Fish graphic was in reference the turtlecall with HelpMe-Cats.

The point I’m trying to make is that I had no idea I knew anything about this fish breeding process, and it seems like it could be a big money maker.

Harvesting homemade fish colonies in the back yard – I’ll need to buy a house first – is the kind of singularly unique business that could get me a reality show like Real Fish Growers of Beverly Hills.

In short, I’m gonna go do that, so goodbye forever.

(I also had this draft categorized under religion, so I must have had some kind of point about reincarnation or burial rituals to make?)

Here’s that call:

Okay, goodbye forever again.

A gchat I had about four minutes ago:

lovetessa3: hey.

me: what’s up

lovetessa3: hey whats up? 23 FemaIe here. you?

me: lol

It’s not that I don’t have opinions, it’s just that most of them amount to not much more than shrugging and thinking the way the system functions is somewhat hopeless.

There are Republican debates every single day it seems like, and all I can figure is these [...]]]> One thing I rarely do is talk politics.

It’s not that I don’t have opinions, it’s just that most of them amount to not much more than shrugging and thinking the way the system functions is somewhat hopeless.

There are Republican debates every single day it seems like, and all I can figure is these people have short memories. There’s no other rationale for them going over their various facts with each other so much.

I’d much rather politics ran something like this video I made, and I made it for you to watch, and etc.

Do you like how I did subtle plugs for three separate projects in this one.

#1

Will do – hopefully have one back by end of week.

#2

Is there a good time I can come see the house this week? I’d like to check it out as a location, as I’m [...]]]> These are all out of context – for some reason I find it fascinating and somewhat funny.

#1

Will do – hopefully have one back by end of week.

#2

Is there a good time I can come see the house this week? I’d like to check it out as a location, as I’m about to dive into a revision on the script and want to see how we can work it in.

#3

Okay Kristen Spaeth – since you are critical of my book covers, do you want to do the one for my next book. I am looking for sharp, minimalist, modern design type thing, so shouldn’t be overwhelming.

PS You’re so dumb I hate you.

#4

How do you feel about the attached? It’s not exactly what we planned, but I think it’s effective. Without the response it can have the original intent, but I think the “Hi” adds so much.

#5

When we talk later, would you mind if we ran through (and I record) the attached for my video this week. lol

There were more emails I sent, but those weren’t vague enough to put up here, and/or they were just trashing LeBron James.

Should I just publish a book of all my emails. Oh how fun.

This isn’t true at all.

First of all, I consider myself a writer, not an actor, which means I’m jealous of Sam Worthington’s writing career.

He wrote [...]]]> If you’ve watched my latest vlog/video (embedded below), you might think I have some kind of jealousy for Avatar star Sam Worthington and his massive career.

This isn’t true at all.

First of all, I consider myself a writer, not an actor, which means I’m jealous of Sam Worthington’s writing career.

He wrote Con Air when he was 12. At that age, I hadn’t even figured out I wanted to write yet.

Even if I was prone to jealousy of others’ careers – a wasted form of mind power and time – clearly my head shape and masculinity levels don’t allow for Sam and I to even be compared.

My jealousy target would be Edward Norton, as seen above. That’s even more irrational, though. He’s a far better actor than I could ever hope to be, and blue isn’t close to the color of jealousy.

Are my eyes really that colorful. lol

It’s just I’m finishing the next Super Airplane book – the same one I’ve been finishing since like July – and it’s taking up [...]]]> I know I haven’t written much lately, and I want to assure anyone checking in that it’s not another blog suicide or any other sort of blog-based angst.

It’s just I’m finishing the next Super Airplane book – the same one I’ve been finishing since like July – and it’s taking up most of my daily word allotment.

There aren’t that many words.

One thing I did take the time to do is write this intro to my contribution to the admittedly overplayed Sh*t Says video meme. The fact that it’s overplayed allows me to deconstruct it here, however.

Would you sound like a spastic chimpanzee and look like you were turning into a Blue Hulk if you got shot.

Did you see those new Chicaken Bites they have now, and they’re just rip-offs of KFC’s Popcorn Chickens.

Greg got all the best questions for sure.

I can’t take full responsibility for what you’re about to read, but it’s a somewhat accurate example of the types of emails I’ll send myself when an idea strikes.

Keep in mind I was back home for Christmas last week, which means I was [...]]]> (This is what it looks like when I need a haircut.)

I can’t take full responsibility for what you’re about to read, but it’s a somewhat accurate example of the types of emails I’ll send myself when an idea strikes.

Keep in mind I was back home for Christmas last week, which means I was eating the amounts of sugar that will cloud one’s thought processes and memories.

On top of that I was with #bronchitis.

Anyway, this morning I found a note I self-emailed last week.

Lie about scene
Breathe in and oxygen turns into dark matter
Have gf listen on speaker phone
she takes it badly lol

No memory of what it is, what it means, or what I’m supposed to do with it.

There is no doubt I’ll use the corrupted breathing stuff somewhere, though.

Do you wish you could turn oxygen into dark matter, and also do you wish you knew whether I had a gf or not.

Since I don’t have the strength to actually think of anything else, I just had this conversation with my aforementioned sister.

Hey Kristen, guess what my favorite key is [...]]]> Me and my sister have both been home all week, and I’ve spent most of it with a lung condition somewhere between #bronchitis and death.

Since I don’t have the strength to actually think of anything else, I just had this conversation with my aforementioned sister.

Hey Kristen, guess what my favorite key is on the keyboard.

I don’t know – the smile key.

Nope.

The B.

No.

The #hashkey.

Try again.

I have to put my shoes on or I can’t go to the party store.

What is she talking about, and why wasn’t I invited to the party store.

Those are my nieces in the picture – are they going to the party store, too. Why are my lungs broken.

watching face/off man is it good i like the part where nic cage is confused about where his face went
June 28, 1997

I explained that in the video below, but wanted to spell it out in a clear fashion, [...]]]> The All-New Facebook Timeline is important for documenting past events like this.

watching face/off man is it good i like the part where nic cage is confused about where his face went
June 28, 1997

I explained that in the video below, but wanted to spell it out in a clear fashion, i.e. I wanted some text to go with the video. #superfluous

Do you like Facebook Timeline on your Facebook. Also, how do you feel about Katherine McPhee.

Before we get to the audio, Google Voice transcribed it as the following:

Hi. This is important. Why you say that.

Either this is a wrong number, a former stalker, or a new stalker. Whatever the case, [...]]]> There’s nothing quite like the call you get on Christmas that sounds like what’s embedded below.

Before we get to the audio, Google Voice transcribed it as the following:

Hi. This is important. Why you say that.

Either this is a wrong number, a former stalker, or a new stalker. Whatever the case, the way they said “why you say that” is definitely in that “don’t you know we are spending eternity together in the lake house with you chained to the wall” tone.

If you happened to leave this, let me know who you are. That way I can either apologize, block your number, invite you over to explore the depths of your psychosis, or some combination of all three.

This also may not be as creepy as it sounds at the moment – I caught some kind of cold and cant’ breathe = oxygen deprivation.

Do you like lake houses.