BANNER FEB2010

Christmas Child (2003)

by Brian on December 14, 2008

in Holidays,Movies

When the Christmas Child is born, he knows he is special because his birthday and his Christmas are on the same day, December 25th.

He likes being the Christmas Child, because everyone comes over and brings their Christmas Smiles when they see him.

His name is Billy!

On the other side of the universe, Galaxor the Mighty is looking over his empire, and he can’t find his Christmas Smile.

He gets really upset, and calls all of his generals into his war room for an important meeting re: his Christmas Smile.

“Only by consuming the Christmas Child will I find my Christmas Smile…”

His generals are all bloodthirsty aliens, but they’re confused, because Galaxor the Mighty has never needed to eat another being to find his Christmas Smile before.

“Do you not want your lord and master to have his Christmas Smile this year…?”

Because Galaxor the Mighty speaks with a low, gutteral growl, his generals know he’s serious, so they quickly gather the armada and begin the journey to Earth.

As soon as the invasion starts, 99.99999% of the Earth’s population is blown up in a single explosion.

So Galaxor marches his troops over the charred remains of Plainsville, Iowa, and he fears they have accidentally blown up the Christmas Child, despite the pinpoint accuracy of their advanced alien bomb targeting systems.

Regardless, after much internal bickering and alien fistfights, soon they find the Christmas Child, and even though all his friends and family are dead, he is still drinking eggnog and celebrating the Christmas Day, because after all, they are still alive in his heart and memories and his photographs.

HO! HO! HO!

Galaxor can’t believe it, and when little Billy, the Christmas Child, looks up at him with his pretty eyes, Galaxor finds his Christmas Smile all on his own.

He goes back to his planet happy, and orders his administrators to rename it Planet Happy.

Back on Earth, Billy begins rebuilding the Earth’s population with the 17 other remaining humans.

His Christmas Smile inspires everyone!

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  • Mr. Rogers

    Where is Jesus during all this?

  • Mr. Rogers

    Where is Jesus during all this?

  • admin

    He was still a baby during the attack I think. I dunno really – they didn’t address it in the movie.

  • admin

    He was still a baby during the attack I think. I dunno really – they didn’t address it in the movie.

  • Mr. Rogers

    Now that you mention it, I think I’ve actually seen Christmas Child 2:

    Jesus Williams of Plainsville, Iowa, is one of the 17 people left alive. When he grows up, he just can’t find his Christmas smile. In a rage, he kills Billy and takes all the credit for saving Earth himself, and then orders everyone to go around destroying all the evidence of the alien attack. He then takes the name “Christ.”

    However, he can’t cover up the crater of the explosion in Montana, and when he hears of this, he orders people to go around planting dinosaur bones to come up with an elaborate ruse for why the crater exists. Then he stages an gruesome death to prove to people how great he is.

    Now he will be the Christmas Child!

    But one of Billy’s children threatens to tell on him! So Jesus comes back to life and kills Billy’s children.

    But then he realizes that if he came back to life, he must have been the Christmas Child all along! He finally finds his Christmas smile.

  • Mr. Rogers

    Now that you mention it, I think I’ve actually seen Christmas Child 2:

    Jesus Williams of Plainsville, Iowa, is one of the 17 people left alive. When he grows up, he just can’t find his Christmas smile. In a rage, he kills Billy and takes all the credit for saving Earth himself, and then orders everyone to go around destroying all the evidence of the alien attack. He then takes the name “Christ.”

    However, he can’t cover up the crater of the explosion in Montana, and when he hears of this, he orders people to go around planting dinosaur bones to come up with an elaborate ruse for why the crater exists. Then he stages an gruesome death to prove to people how great he is.

    Now he will be the Christmas Child!

    But one of Billy’s children threatens to tell on him! So Jesus comes back to life and kills Billy’s children.

    But then he realizes that if he came back to life, he must have been the Christmas Child all along! He finally finds his Christmas smile.

  • admin

    I think in the third one, Galaxor and the armies of Planet Happy return to try and restore the soul of Billy and his pretty eyes into a new body and together, they’ll take out Jesus, so everyone can have their Christmas Smiles again.

  • admin

    I think in the third one, Galaxor and the armies of Planet Happy return to try and restore the soul of Billy and his pretty eyes into a new body and together, they’ll take out Jesus, so everyone can have their Christmas Smiles again.

  • Mr. Rogers

    But Galaxor is Jesus’s dad!

    When Galaxor realizes this, he takes Jesus and Billy to live on Planet Happy with him. But they just can’t be happy together. So Jesus and Billy fight, and Billy is banished to Planet Unhappy. But Galaxor and Jesus realize that if they sent all of Billy’s followers to Planet Unhappy, eventually he could have a force large enough to take over Planet Happy. So they decide that when people die, if they show off their best Christmas Smiles they can all live on Planet Happy.

    But Billy goes back to Earth, and he has the best Christmas Smile of them all…

  • Mr. Rogers

    But Galaxor is Jesus’s dad!

    When Galaxor realizes this, he takes Jesus and Billy to live on Planet Happy with him. But they just can’t be happy together. So Jesus and Billy fight, and Billy is banished to Planet Unhappy. But Galaxor and Jesus realize that if they sent all of Billy’s followers to Planet Unhappy, eventually he could have a force large enough to take over Planet Happy. So they decide that when people die, if they show off their best Christmas Smiles they can all live on Planet Happy.

    But Billy goes back to Earth, and he has the best Christmas Smile of them all…

  • Miss Garrison
  • Miss Garrison
  • admin

    I think “Planet Unhappy” is when the franchise kinda went off the rails, personally. It might be time to reboot the whole thing.

  • admin

    I think “Planet Unhappy” is when the franchise kinda went off the rails, personally. It might be time to reboot the whole thing.

  • Mr. Rogers

    Yeah, it’s kind of like the never-ending story

  • Mr. Rogers

    Yeah, it’s kind of like the never-ending story

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com/?p=210 Brian’s Thoughts About Airplanes » Blog Archive » Twilight, Cameron Richardson, Bush

    [...] wish I had more to say that was funny, but I think peaked with the Christmas Child, with his pretty eyes and his Christmas [...]

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