As you may or may not know, long ago I was a personal trainer, a brief gig that sprung mainly from my love for health and fitness.

During that time, I tried probably every nutritional supplement possible, and even now continue to keep an eye on the newer stuff coming, some of which might be deemed “borderline legal”.

It’s rooted in a longing I have to be offered a role where they’re like, “This pays a lot of money and it’s yours, but we need you to put on 20 pounds in two months.”

When that happens, I’ll call and apologize to my mom, then speed-race to the nearest steroid dealer I can track down with more excitement than anyone has ever done anything with.

Anyway, there’s an interesting product swirling around that surely will be banned sooner rather than later.

Perusing a message board where some people are trying it out, apparently there’s a small vision-based side effect that accompanies the ingestion of said product.

Here are some posts made by users.

Occasional blurred vision side [effects] are still something that will have to be taken in account till there is a sure fire way to either stop it or lower the chance of getting it.

Slight and occasional blurring. Annoying, but somewhat mild really.

I did have a blurred vision. It wasn’t much but I remember having to concentrate more to focus on things. I also had a vision sides during the day – yellow tint, color cycling and a definite blurring.

What.

i don’t think any of us experienced blurred vision, we only lost the ability to see farther at night; we could only see where the light was aiming at. also it took longer to adjust from light to dark places, and at night we couldn’t see the sky even with a full moon.

Oh.

God.

BUT DID IT MAKE YOU BIG AND STRONG.

I think we’ve talked about those Microsoft commercials where the people go shop for a computer, find a PC they like, and then get free money for buying it, right?

The infamous one is the filmmaker who gets a PC over an Apple and then acts really pretentious about being an artist, but I think the companion piece is even more disappointing.

It’s the one where the cute blond college girl goes to the store with her mom. Conceptually there are no problems here, but if you note the images to your right, her fingers are filthy.

Like, this commercial has a lot of potential, but the carelessness of the hand cleanliness takes me from…

YEAH GIRL YOU SO HOT – ARE YOU 18, GIRL??? I’M A COLLEGE DROP-OUT, NOW LET’S GO ON A BIKINI DATE.

…right to…

WTF ARE YOU MAJORING IN – GARDENING? GET OUT DA STORE AND STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE “TEE-HEE I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU. YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN – LET ME FEEL YOUR ARMS. OMG SO CUTE LET’S DO KISSING.” GIRL, YOU DON’T NEED A COMPUTER TO USE THAT PLANT SPATULA!

Really – I inspected this footage over and over – those aren’t shadows or anything else – it’s dirt.

Have you ever been an 18-year old girl in a commercial? An 18-year old girl in a commercial who bought a computer with dirty fingers? I’ll bet you have – did you scold the director and/or DP via email when you saw it?

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1) Full episodes of ALF are now up on YouTube.

2) I dare you to watch this trailer for something called GOOBY and not have some kind of reaction.

Lakers wtf, right? I hope I’m wrong, but I have a feeling both of these Game 7s are blowouts on Sunday.

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(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

I thought it might be about time to list my five absolute favorite places. Before I get to that, I want to try an experiment, because I just realized I still look at the keyboard when I type, despite “writer” being one of my actual professions. I’m going to try and type this entire paragraph again, without looking at the keyboard. (I’ll put it at the end so as not to clog up the exciting list-making.)

Okay…the typing experiment is a big OMG – the favorite places list will have to wait.

I thought it might be sbouty tome to lst mt five absolte favorite p[laneces. Befire I fget to that, I want to tru an exipeiment, because I ust realizef I still look at the ketboard whaen I toen, depsite “withfiu” beingt on of the actial prosfessions./ I’m going to tre and type this wnfitre papargraphj again . without looking at the skeionaig,. (I’ll pt it at tyhsn enfhj so as to not dloc up the exciting list0-manikung)

There were a few times when my brain totally froze up – “skeionaig” being a great example. And nice bracket right in the middle of “places”.

It’s too late now, right? I can’t believe this is a recent discovery. Do you look at the ketboard when you toen?

P.S. I also don’t look at the baseball when I’m up – I look at either the bat or the catcher. :(

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

I’m doing some today, and I can’t wait, like the girl in the Super Airplane song said. On another note altogether, whoever got here by doing this, please step forward and surrender yourself.

I don’t really take vacations, except for that one last summer where the unthinkable and amazing and hilarious event happened, but if I ever do take a vacation, you will never, ever find pictures of it online.