They were pacing up and down the pan aisle and like he was holding a pan, and she was like looking at it [...]]]> I tried really hard to take a picture of these two people in Target today, but they were making me have my laugh so hard that I couldn’t get close enough.

They were pacing up and down the pan aisle and like he was holding a pan, and she was like looking at it like she was trying to decide whether to have an abortion or not.

All I could think about was how they were at home and were all like, “Well, let’s go get the pan,” and whichever one didn’t say that responded by putting on a hat.

If it was the boy it was a baseball cap, and if it was the girl it was a horse-racing audience hat.

The best part about the whole sequence was when I fell on the floor and starting rolling around, like on the internet.

That was when the girl came over and asked what was so funny, and I told her the pan was on sale last week, and she clapped her hands all angry, like people do at the doctor’s office when they find out they have aids.

Thanks to a person filling in the secret form on the secret website, I got a reminder, and their virtual check payment for 99 money dollars should be on the way.

Time to print more certificates.

Here’s exactly how it will go:

1) I’ll send you an excerpt from my new book The Christmas Bridge: A Timeless Excitement Fable.

2) You read said excerpt on video to your animal or child. This is preferably a dog, [...]]]> Okay, so I’m giving away some media to celebrate my new book, etc.

Here’s exactly how it will go:

1) I’ll send you an excerpt from my new book The Christmas Bridge: A Timeless Excitement Fable.

2) You read said excerpt on video to your animal or child. This is preferably a dog, cat, or baby. You yourself don’t need to be on video unless you want to – just the receiver of the reading is fine.

NOTE: If you don’t have a dog, cat, or baby, you may use someone who’s willing to pretend they’re a dog, cat, or baby. I actually prefer this, and if they bark or go “goo goo ga ga” while you read to them, that’s even better.

3) You send me the video file via email to brian@turtlecalls.com.

4) I’ll put it online, adding a handsome www.christmasbridge.com thing at the end or overlaid in some fashion.

5) I’ll send you a hard or digital copy of the full book. If you’re a Kindle person, I’ll send you some money dollars you can use to buy the book. (It’s not out until October 4.)

I already have a few of these ready – I need to finish the book’s excitement website before they can go up.

Please note that the offer for a free HARD COPY is only happening if you email me by next Friday, September 24.

After that it’s digital only, because of how I hate going to the Post Office. I only intend to do that once.

If you’re one of the first 20 people to do this, I’ll also send you a copy of either Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, or Prelude to a Super Airplane, or my movie Who Shot Mamba?.

Maybe all of them – it depends on how many I have sitting around on that day and how angst-ridden I am about having to go to the Post Office.

Okay, so email me at brian@turtlecalls.com and we will do all of this – thanks!

Here’s the jib.

One of the cool movie guys I know was having a read on my new script and yep you guessed it [...]]]> I know I am being bad about how I’m so racist with this post but you should read it so you can have a life lesson happen to you.

Here’s the jib.

One of the cool movie guys I know was having a read on my new script and yep you guessed it there’s another uppity olde tyme British kid in it like the little fella from Who Shot Mamba?.

Well he made a note for the script that was like, “what is with you and young British people,” and also another note was, “what is with you and tents”.

I did a response note and I wrote that note in magic marker handwriting and sent it to him in the mail so he could know how serious I was.

If you showed me a bunch of proper young Brits in a tent I’d have a heart attack from laughing so hard.

There was another version that went out UPS and it was the same note but in a different color.

That was my day yesterday; what were you up to.

Oh if you’ve been missing that guy Timmy from WSM? he shows back up in that new Christmas book that I have coming, and now he makes his words happen on his Twitter.

Here it is and that’s so you can see it so much.

I’ve decided what I’m going [...]]]> I was doing a read of @nullster‘s Tweet that he made and one of them was a Tweet that had me in it which is why it got bonus points and I bought the digital reprint rights.

Here it is and that’s so you can see it so much.

I’ve decided what I’m going to do in life … I’m going to write the cliff note guides to all of @brianspaeth’s books
14 minutes ago via web

Well buddy come on down because now there’s something to beat with your career and it’s this video from @needsrebooting and she has the trophy right now because of how maybe you remember this Calvin Stadiums art that became real art that she did.

Taking the rest of the week off sounds like a good thing because of how my week is made from that one. Here comes a smile and it’s for me.

So here are the things I would say to the me that is [...]]]>

I think this guy is actually 15.

So here are the things I would say to the me that is 17 and these are in an order that is not particular for you.

Oh also I grouped them in a way that is how I think the conversation might go.

- Keep working and your muscles will happen to you.

- I guess one day you will have a time machine and do this too.
- Don’t make any paradoxes happen, like come to see you tomorrow and not that the same time I’m here right now.

- Sell PCBM at 1.90 cause the next day it’s going to have one of those bad days and go to .00019 and stay there forever.
- Just stay away from penny stocks in general maybe?

- Hey can I cut you on your arm and then like we will see if a scar appears on my arm in real-time.

- Look what I did to our shoulder with a tattoo. lol

- You should invent Twitter and get money dollars for doing it.
- Also you need to make up Lost and Gossiping Girls because people love those shows.

- That time you break your face – don’t do that one. Also that’s a spoiler so I can’t tell you when that happens.

- One day Bill Walton will play your daddy in a movie.
- Oops spoiler space – sorry about that one, Lil’ Bri.
- Can I call you Lil’ Bri.
- Hey Lil’ Bri we should go see Mom and Dad right now and give them heart attacks. lol

- Where is our girlfriend and is it weird if I go on an excitement date with her tonight.

Those are all the ones I can think of right now but maybe I will do another part to the list later.

Would you say anything to a 17 year-old me and if you did would it be exactly what I did except maybe a little different because he’d be all like “who are you lady”. lol

Yes, I’m giving away the Simmons basketball book. It was fine, but my time with it is now complete.

Also, this picture happened with a pseudo-Polaroid Android app.)

So I was at the gym yesterday getting ready to make my muscles happen some more, and as I [...]]]> (This is my outgoing mail today.

Also, this picture happened with a pseudo-Polaroid Android app.)

So I was at the gym yesterday getting ready to make my muscles happen some more, and as I opened my gym bag, I realized I hadn’t put anything in it.

There was just one stray weightlifting glove – I never use these cause I’m a tough man – and a pair of old ePod headphones.

There were no workout pants and/or shorts.

I had a t-shirt on, so no problem there. But I also had on jeans.

I sat in there contemplating what to do for about 15 minutes. I took off my shirt while I did this so anyone who walked in would think I was in the middle of changing, and also so I could do my narcissism I like to have sometimes.

Ultimately I decided to drive away in my car to someplace to buy some pants, and then came back to the gym.

I crawled in so the staff wouldn’t have deja-vu and get scared about how their minds worked.

Have you ever worn casual clothes to the gym.

The first one is what Who Shot Mamba? looks like when it’s happening inside an iPad when my personal Batgirl is holding the iPad.

I don’t know how Batgirl put the movie inside the iPad but [...]]]> Here are some cool pictures I was either sent, informed about, or coaxed out of some friends.

The first one is what Who Shot Mamba? looks like when it’s happening inside an iPad when my personal Batgirl is holding the iPad.

I don’t know how Batgirl put the movie inside the iPad but it looks neat how it’s inside of there and it has a nice living room to be in that’s made of computer chips and silicons.

Batgirl can make it bigger if you click on the picture with your iPad mouse.

This next one is another one.

It has some special in it, so maybe soak it up and go for the gold. It’s when me and Robby got our Tweetdeck apartment inside Robby’s computer.

Sometimes things are fun?

I don’t mean to disparage the many talented people who are hardcore into it, it’s just that things like the “International [...]]]> Despite the relative success of Who Shot Mamba?, I’ve not been approached by the “web series community” all that often, nor have I gone out of my way to integrate myself.

I don’t mean to disparage the many talented people who are hardcore into it, it’s just that things like the “International Academy of Web Television” is a little too pretentiously self-important at this point for my taste.

If you’ve read this post of mine, you know that I don’t think what’s known today as a web series is long for this world, anyway.

That said, I do follow the goings-on, and last month they had an awards show that by all accounts was a complete disaster, and even a month later it’s getting worse.

Short version is they tried to play it like a traditional awards show and it just didn’t work.

Here – free of charge – is what should be done for next year, should it happen:

1) Let series nominate themselves for “Best Web Series of 2010″.

2) Fan voting chooses a top 20. (Logically, the most genuinely popular shows will win these slots. Make sure voting is transparent and open at all times.)

3) Each of the top 20 gets $3K apiece to produce a 2-3 minute short based in or around their show. (Might be in-continuity, might be a “pick us to win” vid, might be something else altogether.)

4) These 20 shorts are shown at the awards show, which is a casual affair held someplace that doesn’t make it seem like you’re trying to imitate the Oscars, et al. Let each series producer (or star or whoever) introduce their own piece, and everyone gets a moment in the limelight, too.

5) The audience (both irl and online) votes for the best vid, and the winner is declared Best Web Series of 2010.

What this gets you is a fast-paced, unique, entertaining +/-1.5 hour show that’s an actual celebration of the things the people can do.

It’s also a chance to give 20 series a little actual money to make something, which is always a struggle for non-branded series. (This assumes you can get sponsorship money.)

Ultimately – and let’s be serious here – the winner doesn’t really matter for any of these awards. It should be a fun night that lets people show off their talent and support each other. This gets you that.

So like do that, and if you have overruns please donate to help me build my $91,000,000 Christmas Bridge.

(Oh, and if you need marketing advice on your web series, start here.)

I also have a script to finish that requires some underwater research – eliminating all distractions and not getting electrocuted is essential.

At times, this includes actual amusing things, and that’s like an exciting thing to have happen.

It’s usually at Borders, where I pretend to write and instead mess around on various hot and exclusive instant messaging platforms [...]]]> You’re aware that I can go pretty much anywhere and find things to amuse myself with.

At times, this includes actual amusing things, and that’s like an exciting thing to have happen.

It’s usually at Borders, where I pretend to write and instead mess around on various hot and exclusive instant messaging platforms of some note.

Brian: This dude in Borders is laughing at something on his laptop and this woman reading “Civil War Times” is looking at him dismissively lolol

Girl: Omg lol

Brian: It’s not like there’s hot new civil war news lolol
Brian: The South – Fighting Mad! (And what it means for you!) pg 25

Girl: Unsure which side you are on? Take our quiz on page 46!

Brian: General Lee – He’s Just Like Us!

Girl: Is she wearing arm warmers
Girl: Like leg warmers but for your arms

Brian: Nah it’s a pink sweater with some kind of sweater vest
Brian: I want to start a magazine about people who read that magazine
Brian: Like we could profile her

Girl: Dude you should just start a magazine about people in borders
Girl: And sell is exclusively at borders and like people who read it and find that they are featured in it can bring it up to the counter and prove it’s them and they get like a prize or something

Brian: Lol
Brian: You know I am putting this on my blog thx

Girl: I hate when you do this trick ttyl

Once the lady left I went and picked up the magazine – there was only one copy on the shelves.

Perhaps the most interesting thing was a sizable “Note From the Editor” right at the front that warned readers there was a scam going around wherein people would call them and warn that their subscriptions were up, and that they needed their credit card numbers right away.

Says something about their target demo, which is primarily premature and naive historical enthusiasts. Not sure how you measure that.

In the back of the mag was a political cartoon that I’d guess 14 people on Earth would understand – luckily I was one, and I laughed so hard, and then I had something to bond with the laptop guy about.

FULL CIRCLE MONDAY IS WHERE I’M COMING FROM.

While you wait for Lost to start tonight, here’s the conclusion to WSM? – my Rocky Balboa moment to be sure.

I know it’s like the “blog thing to do” to bash ESPN’s Bill Simmons, and I don’t come here to do that today expressly.

Say what you will about him, but I’ve come to quite like his podcast – he has interesting [...]]]> (I blatantly re-purposed this Photoshop job from my old website, sorry.)

I know it’s like the “blog thing to do” to bash ESPN’s Bill Simmons, and I don’t come here to do that today expressly.

Say what you will about him, but I’ve come to quite like his podcast – he has interesting guests and there’s an enthusiasm and casualness to it I like.

He’s also fairly aware he maybe needs to step back from the NBA trade machine a bit – he freely admits his craziest trade suggestions are indeed crazy at times.

However, on his show with JA Adande the other day, he was totally serious (it seemed) in his opinion that the best basketball situations for LeBron to go to are Chicago and the LA Clippers.

Not only that, but he completely discounted the Cavs as anything more than a remote possibility.

Now, while I’m a Cleveland fan to the end, I’m freely willing to admit LeBron may leave, and that he’ll certainly visit every single team in the NBA on his free agent tour this summer.

Looking purely at it from a basketball standpoint though…let’s look at the Cavs.

- Best record in the NBA
- Built-in chemistry/continuity
- Defensive-minded coach
- Brand-new practice facility
- Big expiring contracts
- One of the few teams that are profitable
- Owner willing to spend whatever it takes

You could go down the list with both Chicago and LAC, and they’re the opposite of what the Cavs have in many cases.

LeBron’s gonna go play for Mike Dunleavey on the most cursed, cheap, and poorly run organization in sports? I can’t even see how that’s a rational argument at all, basing it purely on basketball.

And Chicago? Does LeBron really want his legacy to be having every single thing ever written about him forever be even more of a comparison to Michael Jordan?

Even adding in marketing, he’s fine in Cleveland.

With the new McDonald’s deal, he’s got all the big sponsor segments except a car company.

He’s got a TV show in development. He’s had a feature documentary out. He has a deal to star in LeBron’s Fantasy Basketball Camp Begins.

Look, he’s conquered America, and this doesn’t even take into account that Cleveland is close to home, the Cavs can pay him the most money, and also have a minority owner from China, which is actually a bigger market than LA and NYC. (!!!)

In conclusion, I’m sure this has been written 50 times elsewhere already, but I didn’t even know Stephon Marbury was playing in China, so there you go.

(WSM? ends tonight – if you missed the first half of the big Sherman-Stadiums showdown…here. Aw, lookit Petey Skippen getting his chance to shine!)

- Went to NYC
- Working on script
- Explaining to Mom that I haven’t actually taken the moon supplement

That’s really about it – and I’ll start recapping a little of [...]]]> I haven’t written anything for 11 days on here – this is where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing:

- Went to NYC
- Working on script
- Explaining to Mom that I haven’t actually taken the moon supplement

That’s really about it – and I’ll start recapping a little of my NYC trip soon – some funny stuff happened.

Anyway, here’s the penultimate segment of Who Shot Mamba? – this (and the next one) is probably my favorite segment of all – I love all the Sportscentury type stuff and the characters that came really to life for it.

This Chapter is actually cut in half – it runs differently in the feature-length version. Strangely, I like this version better – it works as a super dramatic cliffhanger, which you really don’t get watching it as a full movie.

Official WSM? DVDs are available for $9.99 – this is the stripped down one. Just the movie and the trailers, including the trailer that was out for one day like a year a half ago.

This is where to buy it for now – the password is MAMBA23 – I’ll also be putting the link up on the FB Page later this week.

It’ll be on Amazon and available for download also at some point, but there are a few things we need to wait and hear about first – I’m making this available now simply because people have been asking for it and I want those who want it to have it.

Looking forward to getting back to like some regular irreverent blogging – LOL! What.

Do it, then join me below.

(If you haven’t watched Chapters 1-6, you have some homework to do, friend.)

Again…spoilers [...]]]> If you haven’t yet watched Chapter 7 of Who Shot Mamba? you might want to do so – what follows will be filled with spoilers, because this segment is LOADED with revelations.

Do it, then join me below.

(If you haven’t watched Chapters 1-6, you have some homework to do, friend.)

Again…spoilers follow…

So Calvin Stadiums is the instigator of the shooting of Mamba, and continues to threaten people with guns.

If you haven’t quite put the pieces together, Calvin Stadiums is 90% based on Wizards star and gun enthusiast Gilbert Arenas…and this was written well over two years ago – long before he was suspended by the NBA for his firearm incident.

Calvin is so much a Gilbert avatar that a couple years back we were in discussions with Arenas’s people about him playing the character. We were told “yes” at one point and put the entire production on hold to wait…and wait…and wait.

Dylan Mooney came in and owned the role in a way that made for a better movie anyway, but we hold that Gil has The Curse of the Mamba hovering over him.

You laugh, but guess who was very close to playing Sherpa (from Chapter 1) and then decided against it?

Yep…Greg Oden.

In any case, while writing WSM?, just how much Gilbert was there inserted into Calvin? Here’s the breakdown of the basketball-based aspects of the character:

GILBERT ARENAS
- Obvious play on the name
- Uniform number
- Agent Zero/Henchmen Zero
- Aloof and Quirky
- Obsessed with Orange Roundie
- Unique father-son relationship
- Big Tiger as symbol of sorts
- Washington, DC
- Gunplay (unintentional)

MICHAEL JORDAN
- Greatest ever
- Gambling problem
- Competitive arrogance
- Petey Skippen sidekick

KOBE BRYANT
- the complete lack of self-awareness the younger Kobe had

The biggest Calvin-Gilbert-gun similarity of all is something I can’t talk about until the movie is over, but it was what struck me most heavily when the Arenas/gun stuff started, because it was something I had decided on years ago.

Keep watching – and there’s much more about the transition from Arenas-to-Stadiums right here.

@InflatableBen is in jail, too. The fact that these two are clearly not really Ben Wallace and Jerry Rice – and never, ever claimed to be – has eluded el Twitter.

Crippling to Team Mamba where Ben is concerned. Very disappointing – [...]]]> That’s like an actoring tip. Sorry if this is hard to read.

@InflatableBen is in jail, too. The fact that these two are clearly not really Ben Wallace and Jerry Rice – and never, ever claimed to be – has eluded el Twitter.

Crippling to Team Mamba where Ben is concerned. Very disappointing – hope they clear this up.

In the meantime, old friend Bjorn of Half Broke Hotel shared an article with me about one of my most anticipated [...]]]> I will get to the important issue of the Who Shot Mamba? iPhone app being available tomorrow. (Click here to go get it in the iTunes Store – it’s 100% FREE.)

In the meantime, old friend Bjorn of Half Broke Hotel shared an article with me about one of my most anticipated films of this year, The Expendables.

The whole thing is pretty amazing, including at least one instance of Sylvester Stallone calling Ivan Drago “bro”.

Then there’s this part.

It features some of the biggest names of the genre – including Arnold Schwarzenegger, 62, Bruce Willis, 54, Dolph Lundgren, 52, Mickey Rourke, 57, Jet Li, 46, and Jason Statham, 37.

It also stars Brittany Murphy, who died in December of a heart attack.

Of course her death isn’t funny, but the article is all about how horrific the stunts were, the “tough legends” that have banded together, and how Stallone fractured his neck during the shoot.

If you read it all the way through, the placement of that sentence and the context makes it seem like she died of a heart attack during the shoot because she couldn’t handle how intense the shoot was.

Am I wrong.

Brad says he’s been getting all [...]]]> I was gonna make a big deal about like doing a big redesign on the site for 2010, but realized I like the thing how it is. All I did was move the links for my books up a notch and add a page about the Radby book.

Brad says he’s been getting all this email asking “wtf” about whether he’s a real person or a fake person or a cartoon person, so I felt a need to clarify things.

The big news for 2010 is that I’ve found myself kinda into the NBA again. The Cavaliers are quietly playing quite well after a bumpy start, and there just seems to be lots of interesting things going on.

I get intrigued by things like Tracy McGrady having his sadness again and Gilbert Arenas being unable to shake the Curse of the Mamba.

In any case…some IM action, in lieu of actual content.

Brian: Why are you awake
Girl: Lol…sorry.
Brian: : /
Girl: : /
Brian: Have you ever had the cereal Blue Crunchos
Girl: I have noto. Is it tasty
Brian: Yeah and even crunchier than it sounds
Girl: Oh wow
Brian: Yeah
Girl: Cool well I’m glad we talked about that brian
Brian: Me too
Girl: Bye
Brian: Can I put this on my blog it is making me laugh

Also I’ve eaten two full boxes of Cold-Eeze in the past 48 hours.

Who Shot Mamba? Chapter 6 sometime tonight – keep an eye on the FB Page.

Here’s a little vid we threw together of Shadii doing the voice of Inflatable Ben [...]]]> Hey I will not be posting anything this week other than this – everything I’m doing this week is like super private and personal, and writing about any of it will make me have conflicts with how shy I am.

Here’s a little vid we threw together of Shadii doing the voice of Inflatable Ben in Who Shot Mamba? – this type of content is only available on the Facebook Page, so like go there or whatever.

If you’re going to be in the Atlantic Ocean for New Year’s Eve, please call my Google Voicemail number, and we can meet up and have a Spring Break Christmas.

Oh wow – that’s a great title for something. This is why I continue to blog – things like that just come out. Happy Holidays!

Who Shot Mamba? is one of only four web properties that are going to be included in Brand in Entertainment’s brand auction next month at Christie’s in NYC.

Basically, this is an opportunity for [...]]]> This has been in the works for a bit and I’m excited to finally be able to talk about it.

Who Shot Mamba? is one of only four web properties that are going to be included in Brand in Entertainment’s brand auction next month at Christie’s in NYC.

Basically, this is an opportunity for the Mamba franchise to get shoved down the throats of major brands for further development, exposure, and continuation.

It’s also an opportunity for me to wear a suit.

In no way was this a simple thing to have happen. All credit and thanks goes to the walking think-tank that is Gennefer Snowfield of Space Truffles Entertainment.

I don’t know why she likes space desserts so much, but I do know we see a lot of things in this web (and brand) based entertainment space exactly the same.

You can read more about the entire event here, but perhaps this is the most vital piece of info for you Brad Radby fans in particular.

For 2010, BiE currently has 33 films and 25 television projects scheduled and is working on such films as “Henry’s Crime” starring [President] Keanu Reeves and James Caan, “Unamerican” starring Jessica Biel and John Leguizamo, and has just finished work on “Meeting Spencer” with Jeffrey Tambor.

In any case, there will be lots more news about this as January 20th gets closer, and there’s something else fairly amazing happening the week I’ll be in NYC, which I can’t talk about just yet.

So if you love WSM?, make your comments happen over on YouTube, and keep the love coming on the WSM? Facebook Page, which raced past 3000 fans the other day.

Seriously, it means a ton to see such great feedback and everyone who worked on this appreciates every bit of it.

Chapter 6 lands January 5th – here’s a quick :54 preview of what’s ahead in Chapter 7. Wait, that makes no sense to do it like that.