Brian's Thoughts About Airplanes » Twilight

Alexis & Calvin & Danny & Petey & Twilight

Brian — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 13:41:11 +0000

(WSM? Chapter 4 is on hold until next week – if you didn’t notice, Facebook was all jacked up yesterday.

It prevented uploading, and since like the US takes the rest of the week off from the internet cause of Thanksgiving, it seems kinda silly to do it now.

By the way, we are now in the iTunes Store, so if you’re having problems with the streaming HD versions, you can subscribe to WSM? via this link. )

I’m lacking in my own instant messaging transcripts to re-post, I thought I’d put up this one between @alexiskn and @iamboney, who gets credit for me posting on the Twilight Facebook Page.

ALEXIS: i just realized this morning that calvin stadiums is gilbert arenas
i think

DANNY: haha
DANNY: umm yeah
DANNY: der

ALEXIS: yeaahh
ALEXIS: i figured out petey in like half a second
ALEXIS: i have no idea what took me so long
ALEXIS: or i just never thought about it

DANNY: umm, who’s petey
DANNY: petey skippen?
DANNY: that’s how I met Brian, he was supposed to meet Gilbert Arenas for the movie so he was here in DC
DANNY: but that fell through, so he met his #1 fan

ALEXIS: youre his #1 fan and you don’t know who petey skippen is?

DANNY: nope
DANNY: never thought about it, honestly
DANNY: :-\

ALEXIS: umm
ALEXIS: wait
ALEXIS: you mean you don’t know who petey is, or you don’t know who his character is supposed to be?

DANNY: just tell me who it is so I can agree that I know
DANNY: jeez

ALEXIS: scotty pippen!
ALEXIS: so easy
ALEXIS: btw, fyi, i’m sending this convo to bri-bri

DANNY: …

What’s a bit frightening is those are the most obvious jokes in the whole movie.

Calvin isn’t as obvious as Petey, at least not until Chapters 8 and 9. Actually, Petey isn’t obvious yet either, but both these two have seen the movie multiple times.

What else is going right over viewers’ heads? I lose touch on that front cause like the jokes all started in my brain – like it only took me a week to figure out that Petey was a Scottie Pippen avatar.

Those of you who have seen the whole thing – how quickly did you catch on to Petey and Calvin?

Andreanna Marsupial & the New Moon’s Glow

Brian — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:38:00 +0000

I was doing a reformat on the Kindle version of Prelude to a Super Airplane over the weekend, and totally forgot there’s an amalgamated Twilight + Harry Potter series of novels that are part of the 19th subplot.

Anyway, Chapter 30 of PTSA was actually an excerpt from one of the books.

I thought this an apt time to post it here – if you’ve never read the Twilight books, sadly this is exactly what they’re written like. Everything after this sentence is lifted directly from my book.

30
(I know this has nothing to do with airplanes, but I wanted to put it here, because I’m hoping if I put like a blurb on the cover, I can sell more copies of the book.

This is an excerpt from “Andreanna Marsupial and the New Moon’s Glow”, the fourth book in the Andreanna Marsupial saga. All material is copyright of the author, Stephenie Piperbraum, or however you say that correctly.)

CHAPTER 143 – THE END OF ACT 1

I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know if I should or not. The television was sitting there in front of me, and I’d been looking at it for several hours, debating whether to turn it on or not. My father, Lugustus, had bought the television many years ago – it was old now, but when he bought it, it was new.

Lugustus liked to buy things, because he was a detective. I call him Lugustus because that’s his name, and I like to use names. When I was living in Unicorn Valley County, everyone called each other names. Their real names. That was before I moved here, where I had to watch Lugustus buy things. The day Lugustus bought the television, it was raining, which is when water falls from the sky. Some people call it precipitation, but I call it rain, because it takes less time to say, and because I’m an outsider. That means I’m not like everyone else, and it’s only worse here, because I moved here from somewhere else. Sometimes that means I don’t fit in with the people in this place, which is a different place from the place I came from before. I wish I were tan, and that my tail weren’t so sleepy.

The rain on the day the television was purchased was a heavy rain, which means that in terms of water, there was more of it coming down than if it were lighter. The heaviness of the rain made me a little sad, because I don’t have as many friends as I did in the other place I lived. The rain here was heavy.

“Hey, let’s go buy a new TV,” Lugustus said to me. “It’s raining, and the old TV doesn’t work good in the rain.”

The old TV was a seven-inch hand-held from Casio. We had it propped up in the corner on an old cereal bowl. The bowl had a chip in it. I’d put the chip in that bowl when I moved here – I’d been trying to eat some cereal, and because I was so new and had no friends, I dropped the bowl. This is where the chip came from.

The chip was one-quarter inch by one-eighth inch. I knew the exact measurement because I’d used a ruler to measure the chip. The chip I made because I had no friends. I never did eat that cereal that day – instead, I took the bowl, and used it to prop up the old Casio handheld TV. This way Lugustus, who’s my dad who I call by his first name, wouldn’t have to hold the TV in his hands anymore. I couldn’t believe how big the chip in this bowl was, and when I measured it, I knew everything would be different. Thank god I had that ruler. Ugh…life.

The ruler was blue. It wasn’t a light blue, and it certainly wasn’t a dark blue. This meant the blue fell somewhere in the middle, although it wasn’t quite royal blue. Maybe it was plain blue. Plain. There’s a word to describe my life in this new place. P-L-A-I-N. Plain. What a word. Five letters, and not one of them the same. I had no friends here – I couldn’t believe it.

I took the plain blue ruler and picked up the bowl. The bowl with the chip. The chip that reminded me my heart was empty. The actual chip itself was little. I kicked it under the refrigerator, which was pale yellow in color, and had two doors. One for things we wanted to just make cold, and one for things we wanted to freeze. That part of the pale yellow refrigerator was called the freezer. It made sense to me. Nothing else did. I was so confused in this new place. This new place that was so new to me, because I’d never lived here before.

Lugustus was a professional detective. He would hate the chip in the bowl, and would feel like he had to do his detective work on it. This is why I had to hide it under the pale yellow refrigerator. The kick I used to kick the chip was just soft enough to get the chip underneath. If I kicked it too hard, it might hit the wall and bounce back out. If I kicked it too soft, it wouldn’t make it under at all, which would mean I’d have to kick it again. I didn’t want to do this, because I was so tired from not having any friends, because I’m an outsider in this new place. Everyone looked at me weird. Like I was weird. Lugustus wouldn’t understand. He was just my dad, and not my mom, and I called him by his first name. He couldn’t figure this out, because he didn’t understand me. Some detective.

Once I had hid the chip, I took the bowl and looked at it. I noticed for the first time that it was white. A pale white. All white was pale, but maybe this was paler. Paler than white. I laughed to myself. Maybe I was going crazy from not having friends to go places with. It’s not like I’d know where to go anyway – I wasn’t even from here. I was from somewhere else. Someplace that wasn’t here. I looked at the bowl for another minute, and started walking to the living room. I tripped – just a little. Not a lot. Not enough to fall down. My heart ached again. I couldn’t tell Lugustus about Handsomar Horsebuck coming back into my life. Not now, and not ever. That means never. Not even later than now. My dad could never know about Handsomar’s return. He was just my dad, and he wouldn’t understand. Nobody understands me, because I’m not from here. Except Handsomar. We still love our staring contests so much.

I tripped over a chair. The wooden chair. The same one I’d eaten dinner in last night. I’d gotten home late from school, because I’d been out with Handsomar, who when he first came back, I thought had become a vampire man-horse. He wasn’t. He was still a regular man-horse. Something else had changed about him though, and it would change my life forever, but I need to explain the chair. The chair. The wooden chair – that’s what was important right now. It was a wooden chair, made of wood. When I sat in it last night, never in a million years did I think I would trip over it that morning. But I did, because I was lonely, because I had no friends. This place was so strange.

I’d made chicken for Lugustus and I for dinner. The dinner where I sat in the chair I had tripped over, after I’d hidden the chip in the bowl, which I’d used to prop up the Casio, which one morning Lugustus and I were going to replace with a new TV, which I was sitting in front of now, wondering if I should turn it on. The chicken was good. I’d bought fresh fowl at the grocery store that afternoon, which is the time between morning and evening. The time of day I’m most aware of my lack of friends. No friends. Wow. How did I get here?

The grocery store Lugustus had told me to go to was big. This was because it was one of two stores in town. It had been remodeled recently, because the other store was selling more food than them. I guess they thought they should make a bigger store to hold more food. Maybe if I had a bigger heart, I could have more friends. I was so alone. The other store was big. I’d only been there once, because I didn’t know how to get there, because I wasn’t from here. I was from somewhere else. Yeah, somewhere not here.

The outside of the other store was a dull beige, with bricks lining the top and bottom rims of the roof and ground. In front was a sidewalk, which was made of cement. Cement was heavy. Like my heart, which was alone from not having friends.

WSM DVDs, @alexiskn, Keanu Cold Fusion

Brian — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:24:11 +0000

Okay, these long-lost DVDs go back out today – the list: Drew, Tim, Dan, Gabe, Jeremiah, Eddie, and Yubo.

Those are all the ones that returned to me, just about two months after they were originally sent. Once again, way to go Post Office.

So @ColleenBurns‘ friend down in Orlando is @alexiskn, and while I promised her I’d name my band At Alexis Kay Enn, this doesn’t satisfy her raw, savage craving for my attention:

@alexiskn @TheNoLookPass woohoo!!! cant wait til i start gettin’ some love, too! (AHEM @brianspaeth!)

@alexiskn bored. laundry. tummy ache. and for the record, mad props to baked potatoes (.com)

Now, while @ColleenBurns is gaining on my list of favorite Twitter girls, never, ever forget that @halfbee29, @kelliesimpson, and @MelissaPR are 3 of the 4 top seeds in the inevitable tournament.

(Prediction: @halfbee29 will request removal from anything to do with this by the end of the day.)

This @alexiskn is interesting in her own right, though – don’t write her off as an @ColleenBurns wing-girl. Check out her profile:

i love my dog, cheese, robots, wine, movies, feather pillows, clive owen, texas, typography, museums, macs, beaches, dirk nowitzki and LOST. i hate purple.

Minus the dog and museum, everything’s looking nice – I’ll bet she doesn’t even know I had an adventure in Texas last year, or that I have a horsey named Pencils.

Like, @alexiskn and me could hang out and talk about Lost, movies, robots, and fonts for hours, providing she locked her dog in the closet.

That said, I’d really like to see how she reacts to me putting a photo of @ColleenBurns in her post. I couldn’t help it…I love when girls wear glasses, even if they apparently love Twilight, and are standing next to JJ Reddick while he’s having high blood pressure.

@alexiskn, in sharp contrast, hates Twilight, like normal people do.

Finally, just so this isn’t completely about other people, go read up on the latest from Brad Radby, 2001′s Dragon’s Game, Back 2 Back.

Keanu is back as the President once again, and this time it’s gonna be even harder for Bruce Willis’s Hank Dragon to stop him from launching all his cold fusion missiles.

When they get to the Iraq, they go undercover to find out the truth, and when they do, it’s even worse than they thought, because the cold fusion missiles are huge. Bruce decides that this time it’s personal, and he’s going to punch Keanu harder than ever, and everyone will know the truth about their bad guy President.

By the way, I don’t know why people buy books that are on the internet for free, but it seems to be working for me so far.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

Critical @ColleenBurns Updates

Brian — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 14:46:14 +0000

It’s early Saturday morning OR it’s late Friday night- it might be noon?

I scanned over @ColleenBurns‘s recent updates to make sure she was still into both basketball and announcing herself into rooms, and one thing is certain: I can’t tell how tall she is.

Those of you who have read me for a long time know this is a crucial piece of information for me. I’m guessing 5-6?

Anyway, this is good:

@jabberjim i know right, who could not love the princess bride?!? “Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.’s?” LOL ::cringe::

I didn’t know that’s how you cringe in the internet, but now I do. Plus, I like The Princess Bride quite a bit.

Then we have this expansion on a previous thread:

@BrianSmith_ i am addicted to benedryl so please help! I admit it!! #iheartbenedryl

It’s no secret that things like cutting and pill addictions are interesting to me, especially when girls do them.

If I can plant a subtle suggestion that @ColleenBurns start cutting as a way to break the vicious hold of the Benedryl, she’ll be one step closer to being someone I can justify having a fake long-distance relationship with.

Major possible drawback:

@Social_Citizen SOOOOOOOO did u like Twilight?!?!?!

This comes off suspiciously like someone who liked Twilight. Book or movie? Doesn’t matter.

Click that category thingie on the said, and you’ll be able to recall my long history trying to read those books.

Anyway, have a good weekend, and if you’re not reading The Blowtorch, you should be. It’s the closest thing to YAYsports! NBA since YAYsports! NBA.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

PTSA Review: Eddie

Brian — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 13:04:49 +0000

(So those pictures from the “take a picture of my book with food” contest are rolling in.

This is but a preview – there was a whole series of these from Joseph and his chocolate fountain.)

Since the first time I ever went to like a “real party” with “college girls” and “alcohol” was at Notre Dame, the following review holds a special place in my heart – it’s from NDEddieMac, who you may recognize as a commenter, and a lawyer in training.

I was but 15 when that “real party” happened, and it changed my life. I vividly remember taking notes on what was going on around me, and thinking how I could apply it to my own life.

Anyway:

Well Brian, I know I for one am looking forward to Flight of and Funeral for a Super Airplane!

If Becky is right then ok, I have the literary taste of a five year old boy, but whatever, enjoyable is enjoyable. Good stuff man.

I am curious though, did you map out the connections at first or just make some of them up as you go. If it is the former well played, if it is the latter so so so much better. One of the funniest jokes which I’m sure will be frequently overlooked is had to be the AM chapter you threw in to show the painfulness of Twilight. From MPTBP/BTAA and this I know that Twilight has to be the worst series of all time.

Great stuff, and since I’m already emailing you, when you said 15 of the WSM? screeners were spoken for the other day, did my email the other day make me one of those 15, or is there some hoops that must be jumped through. Thanks, and keep up the chicanery

Yes, Eddie did get a WSM? screener – I’d imagine most of you that did should be seeing them today, if you don’t already have it in possession.

You can follow Eddie on Twitter here, and he has a blog over here.

I love these reviews, so please do send your feedback, even if it’s negative – I really do appreciate it. Also, if anyone wanted to go leave their thoughts on Amazon…I wouldn’t be aghast or anything. [NOTE: insert smiley here? - perhaps a winky smiley? Come back to this later - u r handsome - B]

Oh, and I got engaged for like the fifth time on Twitter lasterday.

HORSE, GEICO, FRDIT

Brian — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:39:44 +0000

(This site is already #7 in Google for Kellie Simpson.)

Okay, so I’ve really kinda struggled to put into words why I think HORSE at the All-Star Game is an awful idea.

I’ve equated it to watching people play video games, which is maybe the worst thing ever.

I had a friend in HS who would invite us over all the time to make us watch him play video games under the guise of, “Hey, I got some beer.”

We’d all get there and he’d have one 40oz, which he’d already drank. Then we’d watch him try to beat whatever version of Final Fantasy was current.

Anyway, Robert Carroll, who you can follow on Twitter here, and who OMG – use to write the YAYsports! NFL page, summed it up perfectly.

@brianspaeth I like the concept, but I get the feeling it’ll turn into the jump shot equivalent of Nate Robinson’s dunk contest.

Exactly what I couldn’t quite put into words.

This goes one of two ways:

1) Get deadly jump-shooters as the participants, who will take 4 hours to miss.
2) Get Nate Robinsons, who will turn it into watching the Globetrotters.

If I had to pick one, I’d much rather watch the first one – at least there would be some tension. The second one will just be dumb, but maybe this is for kids, and I shouldn’t worry about it. I guess it’s kinda like the Twilight books, ie I can’t comprehend how someone could be excited for this at all.

Also, they’ll be spelling GEICO, not HORSE. At least they could’ve had them spell something random like FRDIT, which would’ve been fun as far as listening to the announcers.

That, and have that truck there driving back and forth across the court during the match. That I would watch with great excitement.

“OOOHHH!!! Jamal Crawford was just about to try the double loopy-doopy backwards three-pointer, but the rear bumper of the truck took out his right leg! Guess he’s got F-R-D now! Wacka-wacka-wacka!”

PTSA Review: Becky

Brian — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 13:51:39 +0000

(PTSA is Prelude to a Super Airplane, my book. You can read all about it here, and then you should go and buy it.)

Occasionally I hop on Blackberry IM with Becky, who those of you who were on the last blog will remember is a cool enough girl to warrant the female lead in WSM? being named after her.

Becky also got a previewish copy of PTSA, and has read it. (You can also follow her on Twitter here.)

Keep in mind, Becky knows me really well at this point. We’ve met in person more than once, shared many conversations, and none of my trickery works on her.

Anyway, I’ve posted the entire chat, in order to allow the full context of all statements to be known. We discuss her thoughts on the book, some of the characters, whether I should most the chat to the internet, whether I should be in The Avengers movie, and the scary secret of what happens to me when I get scared.

This also took place during the second half of the Cavs game. As you’ll see, my prediction for the fourth quarter was accurate.

Becky: So
Becky: I finally finished reading that thing you wrote

Brian: What the book?

Becky: That
Becky: Yes

Brian: And…?

Becky: I still like the story
Becky: the ego was a little out of control to the point it passed cute over to irritating
Becky: :)
Becky: And the writing made me want to take a power drill to my forehead
Becky: But
Becky: I think if you tone down the sexy stuff it would make a phenomenal tweener book
Becky: Ala sideways stories from wayside school
Becky: With explosions!
Becky: But overall I like the way the storylines twisted around and tied into each other
Becky: My boones farm review stands

Brian: Will you possibly write these thoughts up in email form?
Brian: Thank you for reading it

Becky: Yes of course
Becky: I hope I was not overly harsh :)
Becky: Can I just copy/paste from here and email

Brian: Yeah sure
Brian: No not harsh – both your criticisms are things I’m aware of
Brian: It’s not like some shocker that they won’t appeal to everyone

Becky: Yeah the difficulty I have with the writing style might be bc I’ve been reading since I was 3 and I’m kind of a book snot

Brian: My biggest concern is always “did the story keep you engaged”

Becky: I tried to put that aside
Becky: And failed

Brian: Yeah this book is not for book snot
Brian: Lol

Becky: I think 5th grade boys would really get a kick out of it though
Becky: And I mean that with all sincerity

Brian: Yeah I wrote it for the people who would like Brad Radby’s movies

Becky: You intend to make what…a brad radby documentary?

Brian: What for the movie version

Becky: I mean you clearly have some further intent with it

Brian: yeah I’m writing Brad Radby’s filmography right now

Becky: And a doozy it shall be

Brian: It’s allegedly written in 2025 so it’s 13 years after the Super Airplane ride
Brian: So it has many hints and clues as to [redacted]
Brian: Are you watching zee game

Becky: Flipping back and forth

Brian: Between what

Becky: The game and some other stuff

Brian: Vague!
Brian: Grey’s Anatomy

Becky: No
Becky: Not that

Brian: Office

Becky: Not yet!

Brian: Hulk

Becky: I wish :(
Becky: Well ed norton wish
Becky: Eric bana not wish

Brian: Eric Bana Hulk is so bad
Brian: I didn’t even understand the end

Becky: Worst comic book movie ever
Becky: And I say that having seen 2 of the 3 punisher flicks

Brian: We should have an entire blog that’s just our nightly chats – I’ll bet people would read that
Brian: It’s so random and easy and they would feel like they are our friends

Becky: I think you tried that once
Becky: People hated it!

Brian: Did they?
Brian: Can I try it tomorrow with this?

Becky: Yes

Brian: Okay so say something funny

Becky: Are you going to censor me if I use salty language
Becky: But I’m not funny

Brian: I will like **** it out
Brian: Like f**k

Becky: How will you *** out something like…
Becky: Ummm
Becky: Cuntbucket

Brian: Cuntb****t
Brian: Oh wait that is not right

Becky: Hee!
Becky: That was a good joke!

Brian: Jokes!
Brian: Boney will comment re: his special insight into our relationship

Becky: Wait this prob shouldn’t go in your blog but I was curious
Becky: If stephanie sanborn is reading your book parts about stephanie piperbraum
Becky: To whom there is no relation

Brian: Stephenie Piperbraum is clearly a Stephenie Meyer avatar

Becky: O RLY
Becky: I thought I had insight
Becky: I do not
Becky: -2 pts for me
Becky: Who’s stephanie meyer

Brian: No Stephanie Sanborn hold no secret love for me believe me lol
Brian: Twilight author

Becky: Your wishful thinking!
Becky: It was a fair leap of logic for me
Becky: I feel
Becky: Since I think all the chicks in the book are chicks you have banged or want to bang or want to bang you in real life, yes?

Brian: Hmm I do hold a special place for Mindy Slanteer but she isn’t based on anyone

Becky: Really?

Brian: Jennifer is based on someone real as is our relationship
Brian: In the book

Becky: You just like 17 yr-olds in general
Becky: Oh yes what did happen with “jennifer”
Becky: I feel the real life story must be entertaining

Brian: I’m doing an interview with her for the site it’s pretty interesting
Brian: That’s why I dedicated the thing to her
Brian: See I have a heart haha
Brian: And I don’t like all 17 year old girls, just hot ones

Becky: Yes but what happened!
Becky: Did true love prevail?

Brian: Wait for the interview – it needs full context

Becky: Meh
Becky: I have now lost interest in it as a topic
Becky: Moving on

Brian: None of the other girls are based on anyone btw except mom and sister

Becky: Too bad, you could have scored some p***y points out of the “hey baby, I wrote you into a book” line

Brian: I can say that anyway though

Becky: It’s worth a shot

Brian: Michael J. Mikolay is a real person

Becky: Who would win in a fight, Brian Spathe or a choo-choo train?

Brian: Who do you think?

Becky: Probably the choo-choo train

Brian: I want to play Edward Norton in the Avengers movie

Becky: Muscle tissue is definitely no match for speeding steel

Brian: True dat

Becky: Didn’t they already make an avengers movie

Brian: I mean the superhero Avengers
Brian: Hulk Iron Man Captain America and Thor

Becky: Ohhhhh
Becky: Soo
Becky: You would be
Becky: What

Brian: Edward Norton

Becky: David Banner?

Brian: no edward norton

Brian: I want him to play bruce banner and I want them to write edward norton in as a character and I’ll play him

Becky: The dude playing a dude disguised as another dude

Brian: I think that means its meta

Becky: Oh yeah bruce
Becky: Who’s david banner

Brian: They called him that in the tv show
Brian: Bruce was deemed too gay in the 70s or something

Becky: Bc of the monty python sketch
Becky: I bet

Brian: I don’t know that reference

Becky: That’s right

Becky: You hate python

Brian: I don’t hate it it just doesn’t like scream at me
Brian: I did hate Hostiry of the world
Brian: Or meaning of life

Becky: History of the world is mel brooks I think

Brian: Whichever one had them pirating buildings or something

Becky: Meaning of life was different from the rest of their stuff I didn’t much like it myself
Becky: It was too eric idle
Becky: His stuff is so bizarre

Brian: Cavs shooting jumpers gey

Becky: Yeah they blew that lead f’sho!
Becky: Have you seen Brazil?

Brian: No
Brian: Is it like Armageddon
Brian: I liked that movie

Becky: Ummmmm
Becky: Not exactly?

Brian: Would you see Brad Radby’s Peoplebees lol

Becky: Did you see MBV3D yet!?
Brian: Wha is that

Becky: Peoplebees is not my style yo
Becky: Not my style
Becky: My Bloody Valentine
Becky: In 3D!!!

Brian: No I don’t like horror
Brian: Esp blood and gore
Brian: Was it good

Becky: It was in 3D!
Becky: There was a full 5-min scene of some strumpet running around fully nude
Becky: Screaming and jiggling in all her 3D glory

Brian: I don’t like to be scared

Becky: It wasn’t scary!

Becky: It wasn’t really funny enough though
Becky: It was very clearly just “hey let’s cut a bunch of scenes together that are really graphic and therefore would POP in 3D”

Brian: Candyman made me afraid of everything for like 6 years
Brian: And everyone said that was funny too

Becky: Yeah but what year was that movie

Brian: I don’t remember I blacked out for a year afterward

Becky: You were prob like 15
Becky: I think you should watch dead silence like I told you to last spring
Becky: If that one scares you instead of givin you lolz
Becky: Then we know where we’re at
Becky: Dude see the unborn
Becky: The whole theater had lotsa lolz
Becky: And you can bring a girl
Becky: And even if you get scared, you can hold her hand real tight

Brian: No way that looks like a blackout movie for sure

Becky: And she won’t think you’re a p***y, she’ll think you are faking to hold her hand
Becky: Noooo it was hi-larious!

Brian: Can’t I hold her hand at Mall Cop

Becky: You can try
Becky: But most likely will be too busy slapping your knees!
Becky: I hear it is a real knee-slapper, you see

Brian: HAR

Becky: Jerk

Brian: Oh that is not going in the blog post

Becky: What
Becky: Me calling you a jerk?

Brian: Let’s pretend to kiss over chat

Becky: Are we still doing that?

Brian: Yes

Becky: I think this conversation went off the rails about 30 min ago

Brian: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Brian: That’s me giving you a kiss over chat

Becky: Was there tongue?

Brian: No it was sweet and innocent

Becky: Oh ok
Becky: I guess that’s acceptable
Becky: Because *I* am sweet and innocent, you see

Brian: Yes I know – this is how I know you

Brian: LeBron shooting jumpers!

Becky: He loves doing it so much!

Brian: The game is so easy when he lets it be
Brian: They might get blown out in the 4th
Brian: Their defense is terrible tonight

Becky: Can I be honest?

Brian: Yah

Becky: I dislike the “G” campaigne

Brian: Yeah it’s weird
Brian: It’s feels like it’s trying too hard
Brian: And when those Japanese mask guys come out I have a quick blackout because of the scariness

Becky: The jabawockeez!

Brian: What are they – hip hoppers

Becky: Apparently they’re. International dance sensation!
Becky: They’re a
Becky: I meant

Brian: I want to see faces in my dance trios

Becky: They’re very michael myers
Becky: Or meyers
Becky: I can’t remember which spelling

Brian: Cavs are so dumb with their jumpshooting

Becky: But they really like it!
Becky: Ummmmm
Becky: I think LeBron just realized Confessions of a Shopaholic opens tomorrow

Brian: lol

Becky: Sorry bout your team, guy
Becky: Still way better than mine!

Brian: Thanks
Brian: I think Z is back tomorrow

Eddy Curry, Vanessa Hudgens, ESPN.com

Brian — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 14:40:16 +0000

(I yanked this off my old website. I have to admit, that was pretty good joking arounding.)

Well, if you haven’t read, Knicks center Eddy Curry is the latest in a single line of professional basketball players to be embroiled in a gay sexual harassment lawsuit.

I wasn’t going to even mention this, but then I read the following, which apparently came out of Eddy’s mouth during his advance-making on the guy:

“Look at me, Dave, look.”

Eddy was standing naked in his office when he said this, covered in Pringles. What’s even more amazing is the fact that the guy is only asking for $98,000.

My ongoing affair with hating everything Twilight has taken a turn for the confused, as Vanessa Hudgens has possibly been cast in the sequel as a werewolf.

I know this makes me a bad person, but I love this girl.

I LOVE HER.

There are two websites I’m currently having issues with – one is the ALL-NEW ESPN DOT COM. As not seen below, rolling over the upper button immediately initiates a large drop-down menu that covers up the button I really want, ie “NBA”.

I simply don’t have time to be precise enough with the mouse to avoid this. Please fix it.*

The second website is my own. As you can see below, WordPress has a “turbo” button in the upper right corner. I’m afraid to click it.

Anyway, I’m going to see Clint Eastwood Bullies Asian Kids – be back later with an engrossing and amazing interview with myself.

*This is twice today I’ve demanded others fix their websites to suit my needs.

Vegetable Trivia Game Update

Brian — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:07:57 +0000

(These are some excellent search terms people use to find this blog.)

It’s been almost exactly three months since I’ve updated my Vegetable Trivia Game, so I thought I’d better do it.

I’ve seen a startlingly low number of new releases this fall, and since all I do now is re-watch The Dark Knight on DVD, I can’t see that changing in the next month or so.

Here are the latest additions:

Swimming Pool
The Ladykillers (2004)
The Transporter
Dirty Pretty Things
Missionary Man
The Foot Fist Way
Leatherheads
The Girl Next Door
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Eagle Eye
Body of Lies
Alvin and the Chipmunks
Twilight
Goodfellas
Forrest Gump
The Godfather
The Godfather Part 2
The Godfather Part 3

Not one, but two movies, jumped into the bottom ten.

One of these was direct-to-DVD, and the other was Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Yes, I saw this. I had been hired to write another chihuahua movie, so it was research, okay? And honestly, I expected to like it – I like kids movies, and I like nice things.

That said, it was really terrible. I mean truly, it was a mess. On top of that, the poster features the male chihuahua, and he’s not even the main character.

Truthfully, I thought you could cut him out altogether and the movie wouldn’t change at all. Anyway, whatever, etc.

Since I know you’re dying to know – Twilight came in at #405, between Runaway Bride and X-Men: The Last Stand.

Twilight, Cameron Richardson, Bush

Brian — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:34:54 +0000

Okay, so I finally watched Twilight, albeit not exactly in a theater.

Let’s just say I saw it “somehow”, and get to what matters – what did I think?

In comparison to the book, it’s far superior. In comparison to other movies, it was far inferior.

I know that’s not very specific, but it’s no less true. The movie wasn’t horrible, but it was bogged down by an obvious attempt to stick to the source material.

Had they moved farther away from the book than they did, it would’ve been decent. Like, maybe just keep the names, and do everything else differently?

Another movie I watched this weekend was Alvin and the Chipmunks – the live-action one from last year.

You know I like “nice” things, so this was totally watchable for me, especially since the girl in Alvin and the Chipmunks was someone named Cameron Richardson.

Really weird, because she was awesome in this movie, but the Google search shows she looks a little different when she’s not in Alvin and the Chipmunks.

I mean, she’s still really good looking and all, but when she’s in non-Alvin and the Chipmunks material, it’s just not the same.

I don’t know – maybe it’s because all her non-Alvin and the Chipmunks material sees her in the role of “slut” or “seductive slut” or “regretful slut”. She does sweet and nice really well, as seen in Alvin and the Chipmunks – her agent should push for those roles.

Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Anyway, what else is going on in the world on this Monday?

Someone threw a shoe at President Bush over in one of those Middle Eastern countries. I thought he took it really well – he seemed to actually think it was funny.

What struck me as significant was that no Secret Service Agents came to the scene for about 30 seconds.

Like, the guy was able to get two shoes launched before they even got anywhere near him. I think he would’ve had time for a third, as well.

I wish I had more to say that was funny, but I think peaked with the Christmas Child, with his pretty eyes and his Christmas Smile.

I feel like it can only go down from there?

WGAw, Chris Bosh, Dragonball

Brian — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 12:19:21 +0000

I’m not going to get into the various reasons I’m not a huge fan of the WGA (that’s the screenwriters union), but stuff like this is a huge one.

DVD screeners of The Dark Knight are being sent out, and they’re spending money crossing out “A Christopher Nolan Film” with black Sharpies.

The WGA, and many writers, feel this credit is a slap in the face of the writer. It’s all semi-related to the whole thing where if the movie is good, the director gets the acclaim, and if it’s bad, it’s because they had a bad script to work with.

Personally, I don’t care either way. This is the way it is, and if you, as a writer, want that credit for yourself, then you should spend less time complaining and more time learning to be a director yourself.

The truth is, making a film is such a collaborative process, no one single person should probably have that credit, but there it is. That’s how it works.

Back to the DVD though. Not only is what they’re doing petty and childish, but it’s a such a waste of resources. Kinda like sending a high-ranking executive to pass out flyers to tourists.

The funny thing about The Dark Knight is Christopher Nolan is one of the credited writers, so like, there really is zero point to what they’ve done.

Disclaimer: I worked there for about a year and a half – I could go on for some time.

Thanks to the weird 37-strong comment thread in the previous post, it’s been pointed out that Chris Bosh has been reading Twilight, and has posted a book review.

This, before he’s even finished the book.

Anyway, I’m almost done with the book and its been pretty decent so far. I’m used to reading books with a lot of action in it and it hasn’t gotten to that part yet.

Chris.

“That part” never comes. Sad face, Chris.

I don’t know what my obsession is with the awfulness of the Twilight series, but I can’t seem to let it go.

Like, if I had my own series of “romantic pedophile vampires that shine in the sun” books, and I couldn’t get them published or something, I could see it, but this just makes no sense.

The thing that gets me is I literally can’t comprehend how anybody could think they’re good. It’s much like the whole cutting thing – I just can’t put together a rational explanation.

Emmy Rossum. Dragonball. I don’t know when it comes out. I suppose I could look. I read somewhere her character has blue hair in the cartoon. I wish they had translated that over. It still works.

Sunkist, Twilight, Keanu

Brian — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 12:54:44 +0000

(Is this a new tattoo for Kobe, or has he had this for awhile?)

Skyler got back to me with more specific thoughts on the Sunkist logo changes he didn’t care for.

honestly there is nothing wrong with the logo itself the only reason why i dislike the new logo is the fact that they wanted to change the logo why mess with a classic? your mom did good, just 50 years down the road pepsi and coca-cola are gona have there same logos of course and i think its a shame our future children will never see the classic sunkist look.

Well, this is true, although with the internet, we can all enjoy the various Sunkist logos that have blessed our planet in perpetuity.

Plus, Pepsi changes their logo to some degree about once a decade, with the next one on the horizon in 2009.

In any case, I told my mom she did a good job on the Sunkist logo, and she just kinda stared at me for awhile. They love when I come to visit!

Catherine Hardwicke, in the middle of the European press tour for Twilight, got fired from directing the next movie in the franchise, although a quick press release after it leaked claims it’s a mutual decision.

I didn’t see it, as you may remember, but I’d challenge anyone to try and make a decent movie from that book without making massive changes to the storyline.

Of course, this would only anger the fans of the books, who are the only ones who saw it, anyway.

Tough situation either way – maybe it’s time to get rid of all the Twilight books finally?

Keanu Reeves is ready, willing and able for Bill and Ted 3.

“Maybe we could do it with them both grown up — they haven’t saved the world and they’re just living their lives as middle-aged men. That sounds quite funny.”

I don’t know how he came up with that story, but I’m in. Please make this next week, and have it out in time for Christmas.

By the way, if I’m spending time watching a Pacers-Celtics game, that pretty much means I’m back in bed with the NBA.

Apology, Twilight, Rand

Brian — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 13:43:49 +0000

Sorry, but I’ll be back Wednesday.

I’m having a creative outburst that must run its course. This has only happened twice before, and each time it turned into things that I still consider the best things I’ve ever written.

The Twilight sequels are greenlit, because the thing made a ton of money this weekend. (No, I didn’t see it.)

The best is how the production company sent an email to fansites, and tried to make it like it was a personal thank you note from the two stars. Here is one response to said email.

#

What a class act Kristen and Rob are. That was a very heartfelt thank you. Congratulations to Summit for taking a chance on this project and keeping the spirit of the book. The fans of the series gave you a big reward for that this weekend. I look forward to the sequels and hope that they don’t take forever to make it to the big screen like the Harry Potter films. Everyone involved in the making of Twilight did a wonderful job!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU. (BTW it is NOT only teen girls that are attracted to this story.)

Comment by A Twilight mom — November 22, 2008 @ 3:42 pm

Now, that says “A Twilight mom”, which means that’s a full grown woman who thinks Rob Pattinson and Kristin Stewart were sitting around together somewhere Sunday, and said, “Hey, let’s write up a little note and send it to our fans. And let’s write it like a pr agent would, so it’s sounds fake.”

If you haven’t gathered, I’m a fan of Ayn Rand, and yeah, I read a lot of Objectivist sites. Here’s what they think about the auto mess, and I agree completely. Read it a few times before you call me a maniac.

Finally, I know she’s a fake Converse ad and I’m way behind on this, but this is really my ideal woman in every way. I’d like to meet the actress and then marry her, and I’ll be sad if she’s not really a pain in the butt.

Please leave thy comments – I’m on the computer, and will be checking in.

Qwerty, Gmail, Twilight

Brian — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 13:05:47 +0000

Look, I’m gonna admit something here, and this is right up there with not knowing cucumbers and pickles are in the same family until adulthood.

I just figured out what the QWERTY in “qwerty keyboard” is – while I was waiting for Tara to seduce me some more, I was looking at my stroked-out Blackberry, and it kinda highlighted itself, like Sesame Street or something.

I actually looked around to make sure nobody noticed me noticing the word QWERTY spelled out on the keyboard.

I’d just assumed it was some term that started with the Sidekick or something – like it meant, “special regular keyboard on a cell phone”.

That’s not true at all – it’s some special typewriter terminology, and it came about because, well, it says QWERTY right there on the keyboard.

Not only that, but I keep spelling it QUERTY, so it turns out I need to look at the keyboard to spell QWERTY, which means I’m not the smartest guy in class.

Let’s move on – please.

I know Google has like some policy or division or directive of “just go come up with cool stuff,” but I wasn’t sure the new “exciting backgrounds for your gmail” should count.

That was until I used it. Somehow the the world changes simply by putting a mountain behind my gmail account.

I hadn’t even logged into my gmail for awhile, but with this whole Curve thing, I had to. Now I can’t stop.

I LOVE LOOKING AT MOUNTAINS WITH WORDS ON TOP.

Twilight comes out today. I think I need to find a chick to go see this with me.

Maybe not – I dunno – is it that bad to just go in there and sit right next to a group of 16-year old girls by yourself at my age/gender combo?

After reading the reviews – average, passable, okay – I don’t really feel compelled to see it beyond a responsibility to you people.

Like, if it were awful, or inexplicably great, I’d need to, but being that it’s like a 3 on a scale of 1-5…right?

(If you’re sharing this QWERTY revelation with me today, please note it in the comments – let’s be in this together.)

Vince Carter, Cuban, Twilight

Brian — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 04:09:18 +0000

(This is a piece I call “YOKED WITH MARBLEBERRIES”.)

What do you do when you see some crazy internet talk that contains the phrase, “Cavs to make a run at Vince Carter”?

Here’s what you do:

You don’t link to it, you don’t think about it, and then you forget about it, taking the stance it was just some crazy talk to lead into tonight’s game against the Nets.

The real news though – the REAL NEWS – is Mark Cuban being accused/charged/whatever of insider trading.

I read through 14 detailed words of the legal docs, and I’ll tell you this – given the resources and connections, I’d insider trade left and right, all day long.

ALL DAY.

From noon until the next noon. That’s 24-hours of insider trading. Up and down, soaking wet, insider trading.

Calling Tokyo to insider trade over there, and then China to be like, “GIMME THEM RICE STOCKS I AIN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT YET!” and then I’d get up all on England and insider trade all over their stupid crowns and religion crackers.

When I was done insider trading for the day, I’d start over again, because it’d be noon again. If you read carefully, you’d know that, because I said I’d do it all day, from noon to noon.

By the way – I am in fact going to see Twilight.

Is there any way I can do this without looking like some kind of pedophile? Even if I can dress down to 22 or so, that’s still like 7-8 years older than all the chicks that’ll be in the theater.

Will it be worse if I go to a midnight showing Thursday night?

In fact, how bad is it if I’m posting this post, right this moment, from the line for the movie? Only 2 days to go!

Also, it’s time for girl-on-girl Dancing With the Stars, isn’t it?

McDyess, Twilight, Chat

Brian — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 14:13:45 +0000

(This is the woman who wrote Twilight. As you may recall, it’s been said about her that she’s never gone on a date, and probably loves unicorns more than anything else in the world.

I mean, she kinda looks like what you’d get if Anne Hathaway, Claire Danes, and a goblin had a baby, but surely she’s had at least one boyfriend before, right?)

Allegedly 19 teams are in the Antonio McDyess bidding.

On first thought, you’re like, “yeah, of course.”

Second thought is more like, “huh?”

The man clearly wants to go somewhere he can win it all – this has never been even questioned anywhere.

So take a look down these Blogger Power Rankings, and go down to #19.

(BPR was a better acronym for branding – you guys can have the logo if you want it.)

Well, #19 is a bad example, cause it’s the Spurs, and they’re not as bad as they are injured. Let’s try #13-18 – Seventy-Sixers, Nuggets, Mavs, Knicks, Bulls, and Heat.

Are any of these teams legitimately one Antonio McDyess from a title? Why even bother asking him?

So I finished Twilight finally, and if you read the following Facebook chat with the girl who lent me the books, you’ll find out how the end was worse than the rest of the book, and you’ll also see what it’s like to be my real-life friend.

SPOILERS if you haven’t read the worst book ever.

Brian
SUSIE

Susie
BRIAN

Brian
SUSANIE

Susie
susanna

Brian
SUSSA

Susie
what the hell?

Susie
you just gonna say my name 100 diff ways or what?

Brian
no

Susie
whats up love?

Brian
nothin
I started Twilight Book 2
holy hell

Susie
congrats
what? no like?

Brian
the end of the first – they don’t even show the FIGHT

Susie
sucks right?

Brian
she like passes out and then the start of the enxt chapter is like “yeah we took care of him”
WTF

Susie
hahahaha
are you hoked?
hooked?

Brian
and Edward doesn’t even do it?
looks like they changed some stuff for the movie

Susie
i dont know… i will be watching the midnight showing…
haha

Brian
See I think you could actually make a pretty good movie out of it if they change a lot

Susie
ha. perhaps

Brian
NO I AM RIGHT

Susie
thats totally what i meant.

Brian
ROAR!!!!!
I AM A LION!!!!
GROWL!!!!!

Susie
haha

Brian
DON’T LAUGH AT ME I AM A SCARY LION!!!
GRRRRR-RAWR!!!!!

Susie
i know.. i scared. eek!

Brian
GROWL ROAR GROEWL GROWL GROWL RAWR!!!!

Susie
AHHH!!!! I F—ING SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!
how was that?

Brian
ROAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Susie
are you high?
drunk?

Brian
Growl….grrrrr…
GROWLLSSSSS RAOARRRR!!!!!!

Susie
youre weird.. haha

Brian
GROWLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! GROWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

After that, she never said anything else.

Anyway, I did in fact try to get into the second book, but it was more of the same, so I gave up. I think I did my duty, and can see the movie.

Oh, and question for any of you Twilight fans – do these vampires even have fangs, or are they some kind of magic-happy-glow teeth, that sparkle like a pretty rainbow when they smile?

Hawks, Heroes, Twilight

Brian — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 13:48:54 +0000

As I re-engage with the NBA (Cavs-Bucks tonight – it’s appointment TV!), I’m trying to figure out where everyone is.

Back in the Days du le YAY, I knew every roster backward and forward. This, of course, contributed to my eventual oversaturation and departure from all that is professional basketball.

Anyway, I was thinking aboot it, and have no idea where/if/how the following people are in the league:

Earl Watson – Last time I knew for sure he was with the Sonics, but I’m going to take a stab at the Hawks.

Vince Carter – I know he’s still with the Nets, but I don’t think anyone has said his name at all.

It feels like he should get traded to the Hawks.

Ricky Davis – Hawks?

Antoine Walker – I’m guessing Grizzlies? Could be Timberwolves. Hawks maybe?

An actual Hawk – Toronto had, in late 1999, a real, live hawk on its roster. His name was Hawkey, and he could “nail dem treys,” as my brother would say. I think Hawkey is out of the NBA as a player, but works in the Hawks’ front office as a bird.

Heroes, the TV show – “This week, let’s have Mohinder and Mrs. Petrelli team up in Brazil, where they find another mysterious company that we find out Matt is in charge of with his aunt, who can read minds and see the future, but not the past. (We can show this by just shaking the camera a lot while she stares at it.)

Oh, and let’s have Mr. Petrelli be a good guy this week, then next week we’ll have him bad again, and teamed up with Claire six years in the future, where they’re trying to revive Sylar (who’s good again) from a coma that Mrs. Petrelli put him in, because she’s bad that week, and plays for…the Hawks?”

Why do I assume all these people play for the Hawks? Don’t the Hawks only have like 11 players? I know they’re 5-0, but still.

Here’s your daily Twilight update – I’m now 3/4 of the way through this, and am of the opinion this would make a nice short story in like “Fake Vampire Short Stories For Girls Monthly”.

Like 400 pages in, and here are your plot points.

1) Girl moves to new town.
2) Girl meets boy.
3) Boy is vampire.
4) They like each other.

That’s it. That’s the entire book so far. I only write movies, but I’m almost sure that like books are supposed to contain some sort of build to a climax or something.

There’s like no story in this book. It desperately needs something like an “if I ever meet a vampire I can’t save the orphanage,” or “Daddy’s heart transplant is going to cost $50,000 and if I ever meet a vampire, I can’t find $50,000″ plot or something.

(What’s the father’s purpose in the book, anyway? If you dropped that character altogether, would anything change? All he ever does is leave for work and come home from work.)

And no, I have no idea why I’m so determined to finish it.

I guess I figure it’s one of those things like, “if you can’t finish a stupid book, how can you ever expect to be able to do anything?”

UPDATE: Ricky Davis plays for the Clippers.

Another Twilight Update

Brian — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 20:50:01 +0000

(This is the only picture I’m ever posting from this movie, because she is surely the only thing worth seeing in it.)

I’m going to finish this book – not to sound cliche – if it’s the last thing I do.

Reading this thing is like that part in the last Hulk movie where the sonic cannons are trying to tear him to pieces, and the Hulk is just like getting so pissed at these stupid piece of metal shouting at him.

I’m the Hulk, this book is the cannons, and Allef is the guy who owns the pizza place.

SPOILERS if you haven’t read Twilight.

Okay, author.

I just got to the part where you tell us that the real reason vampires don’t go into the sun is because they sparkle/glow like some kind of organic chandelier.

I’ll bet you love unicorns more than anyone has ever loved unicorns ever.

Twilight Update, Cars & Earnings, Lasers

Brian — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 15:45:42 +0000

Twilight update: I’m somewhere in the 350 range pagewise.

Guess which of the following is an actual passage from the book:

“And so the lion falls in love with the lamb…” said the pretty vampire, who is actually 106 years old, and is scamming on me, a 17 year-old girl. “I watch you sleep from a tree in the woods every night – isn’t that neat?”

“I want to marry you,” was my reply. “I like the idea that you keep saying you want to kill me, and that you can smell me from across a room. It’s like I’m in that movie, Silence of the Lambs, but it’s all taking place in my bedroom, and you’re not in a cage.”

OR

“I want to touch your face with my cold hands. I will do this for hours, and these hours will last for 50 pages. 50 pages of me touching your face. With my hands. For hours. They’re so cold…but your heart is warm.”

It’s either the first one or the second. There are only two choices.

So the whole American auto industry is collapsing, and as is the way of things, they’re crying for the government to bail them out.

The situation is grim: GM ended the third quarter with $20 billion in cash on hand; the company needs at least $12 billion a month for day-to-day operations.

How much of that 12B goes to the CEO salary? Four billion? Five?

I dunno – you know my position on this – if you’re business goes down, it goes down. That’s how things should work.

Let’s move this to a more personal angle. My sister is looking at her lease being up in February or something, and she’s not sure what to do, since “car leases” may not exist by then.

Since we’re twins and can read each others’ minds, I already know that she’d like another Mustang (Aw, Stang!), but she’d also like to get a big semi truck with a massive eagle on the hood shouting, “TOUGH TIRES!!!”

I asked her why, and this was her response.

I love the Killers! I’m so stupid! Hahahahahaaa!

If you’ve met my sister, then you know that I don’t want to know that you’ve met her, and she is indeed a fan of the Killers.

Where am I going with all this?

This is a short way of saying, “Cavs in first in the Central, likely for the duration. Let’s continue to call Joe Dumars a genius, though. He did build the Lasers to that one title.”

I do feel bad for AI, and I don’t understand how putting him in a system that is fracturnalized by being more than the sum of its parts works, since everything aboot his style of play is the opposite of that.

Twilight, Browns, Torture

Brian — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 13:41:57 +0000

(I’m determined to finish this awful piece of garbage book before the movie comes out. I’ve been reading it for like 8 weeks now, and last night made it to page 240.

She knows the guy is a vampire finally, and she’s spent like the last 70 pages thinking about it.

In order to try and get into a Twilight-reading mindset, I’ve decided to write this post as if I was Twilight author Stephanie Meyer. I invite you to share my pain.)

CHAPTER 1,438 – THE END OF ACT 1

Jeff liked to buy things. I call him Jeff because that’s his name, and I like to use names. When I was living in Ohio, everyone called each other names. Their real names. That was before I moved here, where I had to watch Jeff buy things. The day Jeff bought the television, it was raining, which is when water falls from the sky. Some people call it precipitation, but I call it rain, because it takes less time to say, and because I’m an outsider. That means I’m not like everyone else, and it’s only moreso here, because I moved here from somewhere else. Sometimes that means I don’t fit in with the people in this place, which is a different place from the place I came from before. I wish I was tan.

“Hey, let’s go buy a new TV,” Jeff said to me. “It’s raining, and the old TV doesn’t look good in the rain.”

The old TV was a seven inch hand-held from Casio. We had it propped up in the corner on an old cereal bowl. The bowl had a chip in it. I’d put the chip in that bowl when I moved here – I’d been trying to eat some cereal, and because I was so new and had no friends, I dropped the bowl. This is where the chip came from.

The chip was one quarter inch by one eighth inch. I knew the exact measurement because I’d used a ruler to measure the chip. The chip I made because I had no friends. I never did eat that cereal that day – instead, I took the bowl, and used it to prop up the old Casio handheld TV. This way Jeff, who’s my dad who I call by his first name, wouldn’t have to hold the TV in his hands anymore. I couldn’t believe how big the chip in this bowl was, and when I measured it, I knew everything would be different. Thank god I had that ruler.

I took the plain blue ruler and picked up the bowl. The bowl with the chip. The chip that reminded me my heart was empty. The actual chip itself was little. I kicked it under the refrigerator, which was pale yellow in color, and had two doors. One for things we wanted to just be cold, and one for things we wanted to freeze. That part of the pale yellow refrigerator was called the freezer. It made sense to me. Nothing else did. I was so confused in this new place. This new place that was so new to me, because I’d never lived here before.

Jeff would hate the chip in the bowl, which is why I had to hide it under the pale yellow refrigerator. The kick I used to kick the chip was just soft enough to get the chip underneath. If I kicked it too hard, it might hit the wall and bounce back out. If I kicked it too soft, it wouldn’t make it under at all, which would mean I’d have to kick it again. I didn’t want to do this, because I was so tired from not having any friends, because I’m an outsider in this new place. Everyone looked at me weird. Like I was weird. Jeff wouldn’t understand. He was just my dad, and not my mom, and I called him by his first name.

Once I had hid the chip, I took the bowl and looked at it. I noticed for the first time was it white. A pale white. All white was pale, but maybe this was paler. Paler than white. I laughed to myself. Maybe I was going crazy from not having friends to go places with. It’s not like I’d know where to go anyway – I wasn’t even from here. I was from somewhere else. Someplace that wasn’t here. I looked at the bowl for another minute, and started walking to the living room. I tripped – just a little. Not a lot. Not enough to fall down. My heart ached again. I couldn’t tell Jeff. He was just my dad, and he wouldn’t understand. Nobody understands me, because I’m not from here.

I tripped over a chair. The wooden chair. The same one I’d eaten dinner in last night. I’d gotten home late from school, because I’d been out with a girl who I thought was a vampire. This was an amazing thing which would change my life forever, but I need to explain the chair. The chair. The wooden chair – that’s what was important right now. It was a wooden chair, made of wood. When I sat in it last night, never in a million years did I think I would trip over it that morning. But I did, because I was lonely, because I had no friends. This place was so strange.

I’d made chicken for Jeff and I for dinner. The dinner where I sat in the chair I had tripped over, after I’d hidden the chip in the bowl, which I’d used to prop up the Casio, which one morning Jeff and I were going to replace with a new TV, which I was sitting in front of now, wondering if I should turn it on. The chicken was good. I’d bought fresh fowl at the grocery store that afternoon, which is the time between morning and evening. The time of day I’m most aware of my lack of friends. No friends. Wow. How did I get here?

The grocery store Jeff had told me to go to was big. This was because it was one of two stores in town. It had been remodeled recently, because the other store was selling more food than them. I guess they thought they should make a bigger store to hold more food. Maybe if I had a bigger heart, I could have more friends. I was so alone. The other store was big. I’d only been there once, because I didn’t know how to get there, because I wasn’t from here. I was from somewhere else. Yeah, somewhere not here.

(TO BE CONTINUED – ONLY 400 PAGES OF THIS “HOW I TURNED ON THE TV AND WATCHED THE BROWNS” STORY LEFT.)