Zack is inspired for sure now, and decides to get serious and organize a Zack Attack. He has to hurry, because Keanu has [...]]]> (This is it – the conclusion to my big budget, theatrical Saved By the Bell reboot movie. Links to the Intro, Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.)

Zack is inspired for sure now, and decides to get serious and organize a Zack Attack. He has to hurry, because Keanu has pushed the button, and the bronchitis is making its way through the tunnels to Bayside City, and it’s going to come out of all the nuclear oil wells right during the the Miss Bayside City Pageant, which is happening at halftime of the Valley City-Bayside City Professional Football Bowl, sponsored by Buddy Bands.

Just to make sure nobody tries any tricks, Keanu also has tied all Zack’s friends to different nuclear oil rigs throughout Bayside City, and if any of them are untied from the oil rigs, then the nuclear oil will destroy everything in the United States that Keanu doesn’t like, and that’s like a lot of things, and that’s what Keanu tells Zack in his video blog dot com email.

Zack is like all hardcore about having lots of guns strapped to him, and uses his jet-ski to sneak down the Bayside City Canal and get Screech free, who then uses his nerd tricks on the computer to get Kelly free, and then Slater gets Jessie free, and he calls her “Momma,” and that’s so the people watching the movie can have tingles about their nostalgia again.

Now the gang is back together, but while they were busy getting free, the bronchitis got everywhere, and now everyone in Bayside City is coughing really hard, and the stores are out of Dayquil, so everyone is overdosing on Nyquil, and the news people remind everyone that if you fall asleep with bronchitis you can die. Keanu is on top of the main nuclear oil rig taking bids on the land from the Portuguese gangs, and everything is on fire because he’s smoking a big cigar so close to the nuclear oil.

That’s when Zack gets everyone together and says that only by working together can they stop Keanu, and they all do like a jumping group-high-five, and then get to work climbing up the nuclear oil rigs around Keanu’s oil rig, and then like jumping from their rig to his, and Keanu sees this happening, so like he’s always making their rigs have a nuclear explosion right as they jump off.

That’s really real, but the heroes are serious about just how Zack this Attack really is, and they knock Keanu’s rig down to the middle of the football stadium, which is now filling up with nuclear oil, and Zack is even more mad because a goose died when it got nuclear oil on its feathers and lungs, and that’s when he stands up like a man and rips the last shreds of his tattered Bayside High t-shirt off, and even Slater is like, “Whoa, Preppie – what are you doing??” and Zack looks at him like Bruce Willis and says, “For once…the right thing,” and it’s the most intense thing anyone has ever said ever in a movie.

There’s a big fight in the middle of the pageant between Zack and Keanu, and the good guys win when they use their friendship strategies to drop the Bayside City History Tradition Bell on Keanu just in time, and Zack calls in a favor with Johnny Dakota to get more Dayquil, and like it’s clear that there are gonna be more adventures and that’s THE END.

During the credits is when Jay-Z does his modern and legit hip-hopping version of the original Saved by the Bell theme, and it’s close enough to the old one that everyone watching cries, because they’re also showing black-and-white still photos from the TV show along with the names of the people who made the movie.

At the end of the credits, there’s a trail of oil footprints that lead into the Oval Office, and you can hear Keanu muttering, “Let’s see you save THIS by the bell, Morris…” and that’s an ominous meme for the next movie, The Bayside Knight.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(That’s it – feel free to openly shun the production company who turned this down. Follow me on Twitter here. Read my Perfect Strangers Begins summary right here – it’s Bruce Willis as Cousin Larry, and Antonio Banderas as Balki.)

Lisa explains that all [...]]]> (This is the third part of my summary for a proposed big-budget reboot of Saved by the Bell, titled Saved by the Bell Begins. Casting and excessive rationale is here. And Part 1 is here. And then Part 2 is here. Read all those before you move forward.)

Lisa explains that all the things that have been happening are not coincidences, and that they need to be careful, and not to go to Valley City. Then she does a wink-and-click, and Zack is all like “Whoa, you were in the booty babe jury!” and she does another wink-and-click, but the click sound is in stereo this time, because Lisa can throw her voice. Slater does a click too, but nobody listens, because Artie was in his mouth.

Zack has on big high-tops.

Everyone gets in Mr. Belding’s spy airplane and heads to Valley City, where Zack and Kelly and Slater and Jessie put on tricky disguises and look for the bronchitis containers in an abandoned mall that’s full of holographic-mannequins. It’s scary, so a lot of almost-kissing happens between Zack and Kelly, and then between Slater and Jessie, and then between Zack and Slater. After shutting down the mannequins, they find the silos, and see the bronchitis swirling and bubbling inside, and then notice huge holes all over the ground. Zack and Kelly do some action spelunking, and follow the hole all the way down to a tunnel, and then the tunnel goes to an upside-down hole, so they follow that up, and come out in Bayside City!

That’s not all, because Keanu and his men are there, and they’re trapped, until Slater shows up in his hot muscle car, and he’s wearing a pink tank top. They get in, and there’s a big car chase, and Jessie is not so excited at all because she forgot her pills, and now she’s so scared instead, and she tells Zack this so that the audience can cheer some more about their childhoods.

After a big crash with 426 other cars, Zack gets away, but Slater and Kelly and Jessie get captured, and as they’re dragged away, Slater is like, “Heeeeelllllppppppp ussssssss, Prepppppiiieee…” and that’s in slow motion because Zack is having internal conflict, and because it’s raining.

Zack goes back to Mr. Belding’s spy airplane, and it’s all shut down because he’s getting indicted for doing date rape on Miss Bliss, and that’s because Keanu used his President powers to make everyone think that about Mr. B.

Screech invites Zack for a sleepover, and they talk about how hard it is to be having life issues, and Zack breaks an Elvis statue because of how mad he is, and some documents fall out of Zack’s pocket, and these were documents he picked up at the mall for no reason. Screech thinks maybe they were important after all, because they have big words like “IMPORTANT” and “HANDS OFF” on them in Keanu’s handwriting. Screech reads them with help from his robot Kevin, and they say that Keanu’s plan is to kill everyone in Bayside City with the underground bronchitis, and then auction off the land to Portuguese gangsters from Valley City for big money.

Well, Zack is pretty upset about the Portuguese bad guys maybe taking ownership of his condo, and he decides to give up, because his life was simpler when it was just about making money and delivering morally questionable arguments and action-packed evidence on behalf of his celebrity clients. That’s when Screech gets electrocuted by Kevin, and that’s because Keanu put a lightning virus in him, and also Kevin has on a Darth Vader costume when he does this. Keanu’s men take Screech hostage and make him go and be a prisoner with Slater, Jessie, Kelly, and Lisa.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Tomorrow is the stunning conclusion.

Go read my free movie book Brad Radby’s Brad Radby for more of this type of action and follow me on Twitter here, where I randomly ask people to call and sing to me during the day. Yesterday brought a stirring rendition of “Eye of the Tiger: from @StacyHead.)

Zack is thinking like he better [...]]]> (This is the summary for my proposed big-budget reboot of Saved by the Bell, titled Saved by the Bell Begins. If you missed the intro, including casting and excessive rationale, you can find it here, and then Part 1 is here. You should probably read that first.)

Zack is thinking like he better help fix this, because that’s what his job is as an action lawyer who loves money so much more than people. He almost gets too excited about making so much hardcore money, so Zack stops the movie and says something charming to the audience about what he’s going to do next, and there’s a finger-snap-and-point that he does, to make sure everyone knows that Zack is serious about making that money and getting a bigger beach condo.

When Zack lets the movie start again, Mr. Belding sends him and Slater and Kelly to a hot dancing club called The Max, so they can meet up with the spy scientist that is helping them find out secrets about Keanu’s bad guy plans, and the spy scientist is Jessie Spano. During some cool and trendy dancing and more love triangling, they find Jessie, and Zack is mad because he realizes she’s the one who shot a bazooka at his shoulder when he was on the water-blimp.

That’s when Zack starts to know how serious this is, because he remembers seeing all the big silos of bronchitis on the water-blimp, and he gives those clues to Jessie to work on all night, and she plans to take lots of over-the-counter stay-awake pills to be able to do that, and she’s so excited about it. Because his dancing is too great and slick, Slater gets in a pushing match with the rival football players from Valley City, so that’s a fist-fight to have at this part of the movie. Zack and Slater are both trying to impress Kelly with their good punching they can do, but she knows sexy mini-skirt karate, and she can vote in all the same elections they can, also.

When they get done doing all the fighting, Keanu’s secret service men arrest Zack and Slater, and take them to the first nuclear oil rig field, so Keanu can give them a speech about not messing with his cool and important fossil fuel-based plans. Then the first bit of nuclear oil comes out, and Keanu tastes it, and it’s the good stuff for sure, and that’s another meme. He gets ominous about telling them to stop asking so many questions, and then tells his government fashion nurse, who is Lisa Turtle, to fix them up and then let them go, so that his men can capture them and beat them up again, and she’s supposed to have this go on for a week.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Wow. Part 3 tomorrow – if you found this to be a thing that you liked, you should go read my movie book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, which is online over here and costs you nothing. Keanu has won like six Presidential elections in there, as well. Also follow me on Twitter, because that’s a meme also.)

At the start of the movie, Zack Morris is finishing an action lawyer case for his star actoring client, [...]]]> (This is the summary for my proposed big-budget reboot of Saved by the Bell, titled Saved by the Bell Begins. If you missed the intro, including casting and excessive rationale, you can find it here.)

At the start of the movie, Zack Morris is finishing an action lawyer case for his star actoring client, who is Johnny Dakota, and that means Zack has to save Johnny from the marijuana terrorists’ rocket-powered water-blimp, and get him back to court in time to do a wink-and-click at the booty babes in the jury and win the trophy from the judge.

Zack does all of these things and captures the bad guys, because that means big money and celebrity-lawyer-based fame. Johnny wants to give him pot doobies, but instead Zack just takes sideline-access tickets to the Bayside City Tigers championship football game, where AC Slater is the star quarterback, and on the side he is a pro wrestler and a baseball player and a basketball star and has a pet chameleon named Artie that he keeps in his helmet, and Artie reminds him of the trick plays he can run to be a superstar and win the big game. Johnny is being famous and rings the Bayside City History Tradition Bell to start the game, and while that’s happening, Zack and Slater are having a new rivalry and doing double-flirting with a cheerleader, and she is Kelly Kapowski, and that’s a triple-word-score love triangle.

That’s when they announce the Presidential election results, and Rod Belding wins, and he is Keanu Reeves. Everyone is really excited because now Keanu will do his Special President Promise to install nuclear oil rigs all over Bayside City, and that means the people can get all the nuclear oil out of their part of the planet, and everyone will be rich when Keanu sells it to the gas stations for them.

Zack and Slater are doing their new snap-fingers handshake and being sorta-best-friends, when President Belding’s big brother Richard, who is Mr. Belding, who is Kevin Costner, is like, “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE…?” and he takes everyone to his special airplane, where his spy assistant Miss Bliss, who is Claire Forlani, and his spy nerd, who is Screech Powers, tells them that the nuclear oil is only a cover for Keanu’s real plan, and that the real plan is much worse, and they’re sure of this because they don’t even know what that plan is, and that’s the logic meme for this part of the movie.

Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Oy! Part 2 tomorrow – if you found this enjoyable, you may want to check out my movie book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, which is online totally for free. Keanu is up to no good over there, as well. Also follow me on Twitter if you like things.)

1) This is envisioned as a feature film – like a big, $150M summer tent-pole. It was actually pitched to the rights-holders – and if you can believe it – turned down.

2) [...]]]> A couple points of interest before you read the greatest thing ever written for people raised in the 80s and 90s.

1) This is envisioned as a feature film – like a big, $150M summer tent-pole. It was actually pitched to the rights-holders – and if you can believe it – turned down.

2) Don’t be fooled by the fact that the cast is primarily the original cast. It’s a complete reboot, not a continuation. Think Batman Begins – nothing from the TV show “counts”.

3) If this was done how I’ve laid it out – like an over-the-top, ridiculous Michael Bay style action movie – I challenge you to admit you wouldn’t see it. I’d venture to say a lot of you would pay $50 a ticket and see it at least ten times, just like I would.

4) Everything would be played totally and completely 100% straight. No winks-and-nods to the audience, except the one time that there’s a literal wink-and-nod.

With those parameters – and links to all four parts of the summary are below – I give you…

LOGLINE
When President Rod Belding schemes to install nuclear oil rigs across Bayside City, his brother Richard forms a team of elite specialists to save everyone…by the bell.

CAST
Mark-Paul Gosselaar…Zack Morris
Mario Lopez…AC Slater
Tiffani Thiessen…Kelly Kapowski
Elizabeth Berkley…Jessie Spano
Lark Voorhies…Lisa Turtle
Dustin Diamond…Samuel “Screech” Powers
Hilary Swank…Tori Scott
Claire Forlani…Miss Bliss
TBD…Johnny Dakota
Kevin Costner…Mr. Belding
Keanu Reeves…President Rod Belding

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(If you like what you’re seeing, you should really go check out my free book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby – there’s a little something called Perfect Strangers Begins in there.)