Here’s the jib.

One of the cool movie guys I know was having a read on my new script and yep you guessed it [...]]]> I know I am being bad about how I’m so racist with this post but you should read it so you can have a life lesson happen to you.

Here’s the jib.

One of the cool movie guys I know was having a read on my new script and yep you guessed it there’s another uppity olde tyme British kid in it like the little fella from Who Shot Mamba?.

Well he made a note for the script that was like, “what is with you and young British people,” and also another note was, “what is with you and tents”.

I did a response note and I wrote that note in magic marker handwriting and sent it to him in the mail so he could know how serious I was.

If you showed me a bunch of proper young Brits in a tent I’d have a heart attack from laughing so hard.

There was another version that went out UPS and it was the same note but in a different color.

That was my day yesterday; what were you up to.

Oh if you’ve been missing that guy Timmy from WSM? he shows back up in that new Christmas book that I have coming, and now he makes his words happen on his Twitter.

Okay, so in response to GOt’s backlash, these are all the proposed topics for the next ten blog posts, as submitted by you.

Since these were all so wonderful, I decided I’m going to cover every single one. There were twelve sets [...]]]> (I made it to the new domain…adjust your RSS feed accordingly.)

Okay, so in response to GOt’s backlash, these are all the proposed topics for the next ten blog posts, as submitted by you.

Since these were all so wonderful, I decided I’m going to cover every single one. There were twelve sets of submissions overall, so each set will get its own post. This will begin on Monday, and then nobody will ever be allowed to complain again.

These are listed in no particular order, although I’ve saved GOt’s for last, so that I can explain to him why exactly he doesn’t like what I write anymore.

This goes on…for awhile:

From T, who is apparently a picture of Derek Fisher:
1) Artest being hilarious, charming and an all around athlete.
2) Odom enjoying his candies. Mention the texture of the candies. Thnx.
3) Kobe striving to match the orange roundie status of Jordan. Mention the texture. Thx.
4) Gasol’s awesome bed-hair and slacked jawed look as he blocks the f outta guys while representin’ all European centers. Texture optional. Thx.
5) And OPERA, an old art form which rarely gets covered in blogs. Can you write about Opera and how it pertains to Belting Out Tweets. Mention the 3 Tenors if possible.

From @NDEddieMac:
1) Skree?

From @robgokeemusic:
1) What happened to your wife, Kellie Simpson?

From Wish:
1) Will the 2009-2010 Cavs be better than the 2008-2009 Cavs?
2) Who would win in a fight between @alexiskn and Becky?
3) Which is the best of the Great Lakes?
4) Best synonym to use for the word, “fight”
5) If you could have a half human/half animal body, which animal would you want your other half to be and would you want it to be the top half or the bottom half?

From the already-mentioned @alexiskn – I’ve adjusted into list format:
1) A lot more about robots.
2) You being half robot.
3) Car chases.
4) Also maybe avocados.

From TVBrain:
1. Friendster
2. The Commodore 64.
3. Will CB radios replace AM/FM radios?
4. Do you want to be a model, or just look like one?
5. Draw Skippy
6. How quickly can you flip a laser disc?
7. Why did so many people laugh at Clint Eastwood’s racist comments in Gran Torino?
8. What’s your favorite Rihanna song?
9. Wasn’t it funny when they did a medley of “We Are The World” and that completely forgettable song at the end of the MJ Memorial? Do you agree that it was a nod to how irrelevant he had been for the past 20 years?
10. Kadestyle

From joe:
1) why DC pro sports are so bad
2) “The Princess Bride”
3) Which celebrities you’ve met. Who’s cool, who’s a jerk.
4) The landmark Supreme court ruling in Bethel v. Fraser
5) Where LeBron is going in 2010 (just kidding)
6) I want you to take a look at Major League Gaming. It’s an awesome league where 10-20 year olds make six figures for playing Halo 3 professionally. Plus, Gilbert Arenas owns the most successful team in the league.
7) The future of twitter and online marketing through social networking. I think there could be some good posts on that.
8) The girl who broke your heart
9) your favorite places to get hamburgers
10) “The Shawshank Redemption”

From @iamboney:
1) Your thoughts on Charlie Villenueva and his infatuation with his straight razor.
2) Butterfly paperclips.
3) Why do Actors/Directors/Producers get tired of creating movies like Batman Begins/Dark Knight when both movies were hits, and popular?
4) When driving down the street, on a regular day like today, do you ever just do laughing? And then when you stop doing laughing, do you do laughing about the laughing you were doing just a minute ago?
5) Why do cats get hairballs but dogs don’t?
6) Is the guy who invented the copy machine that can also staple your papers a millionaire? Why/Why not?
7) What happened to ESPN?
8) Would you still be my friend if you knew that I surf craigslist for prostitutes?
9) Are you my friend now?
10) If you got hit in the eye by a football like Stu Scott, would you attempt to keep your eye even though it freaks everyone out or would you wear an eye patch and talk like a pirate?

From Trey Kerby, of the Blowtorch:
1) The difference between cyborgs and robots
2) Shape-shifters
3) Binder clips
4) How come a person can run forever when they’re drunk
5) Vin Diesel
6) Will Smith’s rap music
7) The song “Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell”
8) Six Flags theme parks
9) Pants
10) Trey Kerby’s The Blowtorch

From Kingsley:
1) Jason Kidd getting a boatload of money
2) Your interactions with Los Angeles Dodgers fans
3) The movie The Girlfriend Experience
4) The movie Funny People
5) Northeast Ohio’s truly most powerful attorney
6) Woody Allen, in general
7) The Awesomeness that will be Inglorious Basterds
8) The movie My Giant
9) Andre the Giant
10) What exactly you think the movie My Dinner with Andre is about

From David, via email:
1) lightning hits the grave of steve mcnair and his crazy girlfriend, epic battle
results in the skies above Memphis (just cause Memphis is never the site of
these battles, it’s always Tokyo or Gotham)
2) Which famous martial artists would you beat in a fight and why?
3) why hope? (that one is fairly open to interpretation, but maybe a little to
positive and or trite)
4) how to be more like indiana jones on a daily basis. not just like go on a
trip. every day. you may replace indi with bruce willis. if you must.
5) the word cliche
6) the secret art of actoring
7) ok now im out of ideas, you might have noticed when it started getting lame on
#6
8) anyway just thought id thank for the book
9) though i was waiting for more explosions and adventure at the end
10) was the absence of said happenings a super-subtle hint at a sequel? hmmm

From GOt himself, via Facebook:
1) Colonel T
2) A day in the life of Brian Spaeth.
3) The last thing that made you cry. (Surgery doesn’t count)
4) Walk us through your process for writing.
5) The stalker.
6) Tell a secret.
7) If you were rich, aside from a house and cars for yourself and family, what be some things you’d like to do/buy with your money?
8) Tell us about your big brother scheme.

And so…it occurs to me that you, GOt, don’t have a problem with my content at all. As noted in the post in question, you feel you’ve “outgrown the blog”.

Based on what you want me to write about, I think this may be true, since you want me to write some kind of lifestyle column detailing my personal and family life. So, you grew up. There’s nothing wrong with that, but why does that mean the blog has to grow up with you?

Are you that guy who wondered why we never get to see Charlie Brown in college? Who wants to see Superman have kids? Do you wonder why they don’t make a Lincoln Town Car Hot Wheels?

Look – 95% of my high school friends on Facebook post pictures of their kids, marriages, and other such topics. I’m thinking up extensive Saved by the Bell reboots, and asking a girl I only know through the internet to take pictures of her feet next to customized, handwritten messages about Bell Biv Devoe.

Who has the problem here?

All of us. That’s who. That’s why we’ve been drawn here. Together. Embrace our differences – racism is dead.

WHO’S YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT AND WHY?

Word everywhere is the Cavs have a deal in place to get Amare (Amar’e) Stoudemire, but it’s being held until after the All-Star Game, since it’s in PHX and all.

It’s Wally, Hickson, and a 1st round pick.

Let’s get this straight – I LOVE Hickson. I think he’s going to be [...]]]> Okay, look.

Word everywhere is the Cavs have a deal in place to get Amare (Amar’e) Stoudemire, but it’s being held until after the All-Star Game, since it’s in PHX and all.

It’s Wally, Hickson, and a 1st round pick.

Let’s get this straight – I LOVE Hickson. I think he’s going to be a really, really good PF – maybe even an All-Star.

But…if you can add a 26-year old PF who’s an All-Star right now, you have to do it, especially when you consider we’d likely get back Wally after PHX releases him.

I’m going assume Amare’s lack of defense, like Mo Williams’, is due to the system he’s played in. He certainly has the athletic ability.

In other NBA news, go read this post from Alana G. Short version – some reporter took a satire site’s article about the NBA imposing a “tattoo limit” and ran with it as real.

This woman doesn’t check her facts at all, so I thought I would email her in clear daylight, and tell her I have more fake info for her.

Niki,

Sorry about the bashing you’ve taken over the tattoo story. Here’s something that just may twist things back your way – the original article – the one that was satire?

Completely based in truth at its baseline level. I have a friend who works at the NBA, and this idea was floated there, but they thought it would be deemed racist, especially because of the statements already made by Mike Miller about his tattoos, and all the controversy that went down with that.

I can tell you more, but would need to talk first. I don’t want this stuff in email. Thanks,

Brian

Let’s see if she gets back to me for the hot scoop – I gave her my full name and this web address, so as long as she checks out either, she’ll see this post, wherein I explain I’m trying to fool her.

By the way – if you’re not familiar, Mike Miller is white, with no tattoos and a mane of flowing, womanly hair.

He wears a headband.

Oh, and now there are people hating on Alana for calling this reporter out. Alana’s one of my not-so-secret internet girlfriends, so like Happy Valentine’s Day to her.

Up today is Cleveland Frowns – they write a blog about an alternate reality where all sports teams are named after facial expressions.

First though – this guy in the picture is like in his 30s – why are you [...]]]> So let’s start getting those sports blogger interviews out of the closet.

Up today is Cleveland Frowns – they write a blog about an alternate reality where all sports teams are named after facial expressions.

First though – this guy in the picture is like in his 30s – why are you dressing up like french fries? PP thinks he looks delicious, btw.

1) Your logo seems to be some kind of rocket, with a frowning football inside.

Why don’t you change the name of your site to Cleveland Browns Smiling Guys and have a picture of a boot, with a smaller boot inside of the first boot?

We get a lot of questions about the logo. It’s supposed to represent a toilet with a frowning pile of crap inside of it. The eyes of the poo represent the watchful eyes of the Cleveland Fan, who continues to care, despite the steaming heaps that are continually piled on us by our local teams and others.

If our logo had a boot in it, it would be kicking Chief Wahoo and/or Browns owner Randy Lerner hard in the pants. You might be on to something. Maybe we’ll change things up one day.

2) For this next question, pretend I don’t hate dogs. The New Browns feel like a cloned dog to me. It looks and smells and even acts like my dog, but I just can’t connect with it. Will this ever end? Do you feel the same way at all or is it just me?

Yes, we feel something similar about the New Browns, maybe even worse because we like dogs and even a cloned one would probably make us feel better than these Browns do.

As for when it might ever end, we think that at least one but probably both of two different things has to happen.

First, it truly makes us sick that Randy Lerner owns these Browns and it’s hard for us to believe that the Browns could ever have any sustained success under his ownership. An NFL franchise is a most precious thing, especially here in Northeast Ohio, the cradle of professional football, but Randy Lerner doesn’t seem to care much for American football or the City of Cleveland.

He inherited the team from his father, a billionaire New York transplant who helped Art Modell move the team out of town, and seems to be far more interested in the English Premier League Aston Villa soccer club that he owns. We’re not sure that Randy spends more than a whole month in Cleveland in any given year, and wonder if his father ever did.

Why do people who care so little about something that so many millions of others care so deeply about get to own that thing? It’s one of the most fundamentally f*cked up things in our world. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that the Browns are so awful under such circumstances, and we’re not sure why we should expect anything different until those circumstances change. We wonder if eminent domain proceedings might work here.

As for the second thing, anyone who believes in the most basic principles of karmic justice might come to think that no major Cleveland sports team will win a Championship until the Indians stop using Chief Wahoo as a mascot/logo.

If the Red Sox were cursed for trading a guy for whom things worked out awfully well for, and if the Cubs are cursed for not letting a guy bring a goat into the stands at Wrigley Field even though the guy got rich and famous for it, then why wouldn’t all Cleveland teams be cursed for their town’s support of a Sambo-caricature created by white people to represent a politically powerless race of people who white people basically killed off.

We won’t say much more here because we know that folks tend to get irritated by this topic and we’ve written plenty about it over at Frowns, but Curse or no Curse — and how could we ever really know? — it would be awfully nice to have one less thing to worry about in supporting the Browns/Indians/Cavs. It will be an incredible clash between LeBron and the Curse in June. Also, we don’t mind the team name “Indians.” In fact, we like it. It’s the Wahoo cartoon that’s the problem.

This was a trick question. The answer was anything under two sentences or less OMG.
3) I have a stack of Post-It Notes that are different shades of purple. Respond.

Post-It Notes are useful, and purple ones are more likely to stand out amidst clutter. We recommend to anyone with access to a stack of Post-It Notes write in black marker “Check Frowns” on as many of them as you have computers and affix one each to the side of each computer’s screen.

I’m still reading answer #2 OMG AGAIN x2.

By the way, even thought I couldn’t disagree more about Chief Wahoo, I will still say go check out Cleveland Frowns if you like – they seem to be a nice group of peoples.

“I’m a racist,” they mutter.

“Oh, man – hey, I didn’t know. I was just kidding around.”

It’s an awful feeling, and you realize that “How many racists does [...]]]> I think we’ve all been in a situation like the following: you tell a really tasteless racist joke, and then see someone nearby looking all sad.

“I’m a racist,” they mutter.

“Oh, man – hey, I didn’t know. I was just kidding around.”

It’s an awful feeling, and you realize that “How many racists does it take to screw in a light bulb?” isn’t even that funny.

I may have mentioned this on the old site, but I found myself in just such a situation with a cutter once. One would think I’d learned, but I did it again over the weekend – I insulted a cutter.

The details are unimportant – it was short and unsweet. What’s important is this – I can no longer apologize for finding cutting funny. It just is.

Thing is, I can’t deduce how exactly one starts doing it, and that puts it in the category of incomprehensible things that automatically become funny.

With say, anorexia or bulimia, I understand how it starts. Need to lose weight –> stop eating or throw up food before it digests.

It’s not smart, but there’s an a-b-c-d logic to it.

(For the record, I’ve dated a bulimic girl.

It was awesome; I don’t know why, but it was – something about watching her eat two feet of Subway, then go into the bathroom for 15 minutes made her so hot.)

Anyway, back to cutting. I understand that it masks emotional pain by forcing you to concentrate on physical pain. But how does it start?

Like, if you Google “ways to make me not depressed”, does “cut yourself” show up right after “change what is making you depressed”?

(No – this is actually the first result…and somehow I think linking to that isn’t going to help curb my tendency to offend depressed people.)

I’m gonna stop now. If any of you happen to be a cutter, please let me know how and why you started.

This is the end of the post.

UPDATE: Vince Young, Tennessee Titans quarterback and the NFL’s most likely cutter, sucks because he isn’t good, not because of the pressures of being a “black quarterback”.

Have all “white quarterbacks” led lives free from stresses of any kind? What about all the “Asian quarterbacks” – wait – they’re good at math, right? Didn’t we get past this like 15 years ago?

UPDATE 2: MLB’s most likely cutter – A-Rod.

The NBA’s? Steve Francis, duh. (Is he still in the NBA? Seriously, I’m asking.) Tracy McGrady, a close second.

Oh, and Garnett does it every now and then – not because he’s depressed, but because he just really likes it.