My Art

(Y’know what’s weird? This little piece of Photoshop work I did in 30 seconds is actually kind of cool, and I bet people would think it was real el arte, if marketed correctly.

Like, wouldn’t you want a series of these hanging side by side in your office? “el kobe arte”, “el dwight arte”, “el shaq arte”, etc? It could be like all fake pretentious and stuff.)

I know some of you hate Twitter, and how I talk about Twitter, and how Twitter has stolen much of my attention, but here’s one time when Twitter just wasn’t enough.

Yesterday my fingers made this happen at some point:

3 jobs I would be horrible at: Cop, Teacher, Lawyer.

Being that this is a true statement, and one that I feel a raw, savage need to expand on, I will do so here. Think of it as a Twitter spin-off.

Now, many of you may think, “You just wouldn’t want to do them – if it was your job, you would.” This isn’t true – I’m incapable of doing things I don’t want to. Ask anyone I’ve ever worked for – given a task I can’t find some way to make myself in favor of, I quit.

That said, I can be creative in terms of finding ways to sway my own interest, so it’s not like I’m a perpetual quitter.

Way, way back in history, I spent a week doing basement waterproofing. Being that I wasn’t qualified to use any of the tools, my job was to carry buckets of broken cement from the basement to the truck. This was easily up there with “broken face” and “95mph car-rolled-over-three-times accident” in terms of awful things I’ve had to endure in my life.

I got through it by just moaning, “OH…THESE ROCKS ARE SO HEAVY…OH MAN…” at intermittent moments throughout the day, much to the annoyance of my white trash pot-smoking co-workers who all had cousins and/or wives in jail. (This was the main topic of conversation for the entire week.)

The moments between saying my mantra was filled with recalling and/or imagining how they would react when I said it. It usually involved swearing or smoking cigarettes or talking about the time they got shot and/or stabbed by their own sibling.

Anyway – I’ll try and keep these short:

1) Cop: I’d think every crime was hilarious, I’d let everyone go, I’d never want to wear my hat, and I’d shoot inanimate objects in random places for fun. I’d also be open to any and all forms of corruption. I’d have a gross misunderstanding of whether I was allowed to pull over girls just to flirt with them.

2) Teacher: I’d never stick to the lesson plan, I’d spend most of the day just hanging out with the kids instead of teaching, and I’d have a gross misunderstanding of whether I was allowed to flirt with the female students who were over 18 (or 16, depending) already. Nobody would ever get in trouble for anything, and my main concern would be whether or not I was considered the coolest teacher in school.

3) Lawyer: I’m a horrible negotiator, and I’d spend 90% of the time in court finding ways to scream, “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!” I’d have a gross misunderstanding of whether I was allowed to flirt with the female jurors, and once again, corruption would reign.

Now, I suppose pretending I have these “gross misunderstandings” is incorrect – I’d really just do whatever I wanted. But again, I would never have these jobs in the first place, so this isn’t necessarily a worry.

Cavs by four million today.

What are your three jobs you could never do, and why?

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

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