BANNER FEB2010

From the category archives:

My Art

(Before anything else, @alexiskn won the massive contest of being the coolest person on Thursday.)

Big thanks to @littlefoxy, an explosively charismatic independent filmmaker who helped me re-brand the blog.

This doesn’t mean Prelude to a Super Hammer Drill is coming soon – don’t fret. What it does mean is I had to look up “hammer drill” and make sure it was something I could comprehend.

From what I can tell, it’s like a drill that you have to swing down on some kind of nail/screw amalgam. Like the drill is spinning, and you’ve gotta bash it down onto the scrail at just the right moment, allowing the bit to align with the grooves.

It all seems kinda counter-productive, but if I were gonna go hang out at a construction site one day, I’d hope these are the kinds of activities I’d witness.

The director of WSM? emailed lasterday – he wants you all to know it was the refs’ fault the Celtics lost in triple OT to the Bulls lasterday. It wasn’t Paul Pierce’s fault for laying a weak foul on Noah, thus eliminating himself from the game and giving CHI a three-point-play, all at once.

Nobody understands how hard it is to be a Boston sports fan.

Finally, if you note this Tweet from @ColleenBurns and this witness-style Tweet from @jabberjim, you’ll know I’m really good at a lot of things.

It’s all far too complicated to go into here, but I owe @ColleenBurns a poem. Here’s what I put together, foreshadowing my trip to Orlando this summer.

Brian Spaeth’s Constant Sparkle Two

Silent night,
Holy night,
Constant sparkle,
Yeah that’s right.

Monday night,
Tuesday night,
Constant sparkle,
Summer flight.

Constant sparkle,
Here I come,
Tony Tone Toni,
Maybe go spend the weekend in Tampa.

Constant sparkle,
Like Chernobyl,
Sent via BlackBerry,
From T-Mobyl.

Last thing – @oopspow made up the AirTrain, just in case you see it in my work somewhere one day.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

Go put this in like other places:
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • FriendFeed
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Reddit
  • Fark
  • Tumblr
  • Posterous
  • Technorati
  • Google Bookmarks
  • email
  • Print

{ 31 comments }

Four ways to be my BFF:

1) Post about how you read and loved one of my books on Twitter, like @mfeige did.

2) Be a cool girl. (For example, @Brandi88 – she likes jokes and actoring.)

3) Be someone who grew up with me and is my actual BFF.

4) Take my idea about saying stupid things to celebrities on Twitter, call the website “JERRY RICE’S HERE COMES THE BLOGS!!!”, and be much better at it than I ever could be.

This is my new favorite site. A sample from his post about Tweeting to Diddy:

Sorry I was at the party and that’s why no BLOGS for awhile.

YO!!!

Okay so now one more hot stuff booty babe isn’t a virgin. WHO’S THE MAN!!!

@iamdiddy Let me know when you taking a nap I want to snap them crackers! LOL!!!

I have only two words, and they are UM and WOW. Jerry Rice’s Twitter is right here.

As far as yesterday’s little experiment with Miss Destructo and Bruce’s Food’s, you can read almost the entirety of the letter I wrote over at her site. Tempest, sirs…tempest.

P.S. I’m apparently an accidental genius of some kind. If you happen to see a company in need of a social media presence, and you’d like to be that social media presence, give me a shout, and I’ll put you together with them.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

Go put this in like other places:
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • FriendFeed
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Reddit
  • Fark
  • Tumblr
  • Posterous
  • Technorati
  • Google Bookmarks
  • email
  • Print

{ 37 comments }

(Y’know what’s weird? This little piece of Photoshop work I did in 30 seconds is actually kind of cool, and I bet people would think it was real el arte, if marketed correctly.

Like, wouldn’t you want a series of these hanging side by side in your office? “el kobe arte”, “el dwight arte”, “el shaq arte”, etc? It could be like all fake pretentious and stuff.)

I know some of you hate Twitter, and how I talk about Twitter, and how Twitter has stolen much of my attention, but here’s one time when Twitter just wasn’t enough.

Yesterday my fingers made this happen at some point:

3 jobs I would be horrible at: Cop, Teacher, Lawyer.

Being that this is a true statement, and one that I feel a raw, savage need to expand on, I will do so here. Think of it as a Twitter spin-off.

Now, many of you may think, “You just wouldn’t want to do them – if it was your job, you would.” This isn’t true – I’m incapable of doing things I don’t want to. Ask anyone I’ve ever worked for – given a task I can’t find some way to make myself in favor of, I quit.

That said, I can be creative in terms of finding ways to sway my own interest, so it’s not like I’m a perpetual quitter.

Way, way back in history, I spent a week doing basement waterproofing. Being that I wasn’t qualified to use any of the tools, my job was to carry buckets of broken cement from the basement to the truck. This was easily up there with “broken face” and “95mph car-rolled-over-three-times accident” in terms of awful things I’ve had to endure in my life.

I got through it by just moaning, “OH…THESE ROCKS ARE SO HEAVY…OH MAN…” at intermittent moments throughout the day, much to the annoyance of my white trash pot-smoking co-workers who all had cousins and/or wives in jail. (This was the main topic of conversation for the entire week.)

The moments between saying my mantra was filled with recalling and/or imagining how they would react when I said it. It usually involved swearing or smoking cigarettes or talking about the time they got shot and/or stabbed by their own sibling.

Anyway – I’ll try and keep these short:

1) Cop: I’d think every crime was hilarious, I’d let everyone go, I’d never want to wear my hat, and I’d shoot inanimate objects in random places for fun. I’d also be open to any and all forms of corruption. I’d have a gross misunderstanding of whether I was allowed to pull over girls just to flirt with them.

2) Teacher: I’d never stick to the lesson plan, I’d spend most of the day just hanging out with the kids instead of teaching, and I’d have a gross misunderstanding of whether I was allowed to flirt with the female students who were over 18 (or 16, depending) already. Nobody would ever get in trouble for anything, and my main concern would be whether or not I was considered the coolest teacher in school.

3) Lawyer: I’m a horrible negotiator, and I’d spend 90% of the time in court finding ways to scream, “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!” I’d have a gross misunderstanding of whether I was allowed to flirt with the female jurors, and once again, corruption would reign.

Now, I suppose pretending I have these “gross misunderstandings” is incorrect – I’d really just do whatever I wanted. But again, I would never have these jobs in the first place, so this isn’t necessarily a worry.

Cavs by four million today.

What are your three jobs you could never do, and why?

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

Go put this in like other places:
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • FriendFeed
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Reddit
  • Fark
  • Tumblr
  • Posterous
  • Technorati
  • Google Bookmarks
  • email
  • Print

{ 52 comments }

Well, the Cavaliers are now giving me tension during the games.

Like last night, I was really distraught at halftime, because they were only up by 8.

Then in the third quarter, I had trouble figuring out where I actually was, because apparently Coach Mike has finally switched to the, “The Puppies Lived, After All!” halftime speech.

Yeah – the third quarter. This was the quarter when the Cavs actually made the Rnaptors so frightened, they literally just fumbled the ball away every time down the court, instead of running plays.

Finally, again in the third quarter, I had a small panic attack, because I thought LeBron might actually have to play in the fourth quarter. Luckily, he didn’t.

The whole vibe of watching this team reminds me most of the ’95 Indians. Just fun to watch, both because they’re dominant, and the players look like they’re having fun.

Everything you read says the chemistry is off the chart with these guys, and it sure plays that way as a viewer.

Oh, and LeBron is pulling Karl Malone dunks, which is hilarious for a lot of reasons. Video is over at something called Hoops Heads North.

(All these new kids on the NBA Blog Scene – I feel like Allan Houston.)

So that’s nine straight wins by 12 or more, which no team in NBA history has ever done. I’d expect them to make it 10 tonight in Philly.

Since I know you’re dying to know what I think about both ghosts and the BCS, based on this email:

I’m dying to know! What do you think about the BCS? And ghosts!

For the latter, I don’t believe in them.

As to the former, I think the bowl system as a whole is stupid, and thought so even before the BCS. I can’t say I’ve ever gone out of my way to watch a bowl game, except for when Ohio State was in the fake championship games.

They’re just exhibitions – I don’t get why anybody cares whether they win them or not.

I don’t even know which one OSU is in this year, because it makes no difference at all what happens. Now, make all the bowls playoff games, and I’d probably watch all of them.

Anybody using Google Sync?

I’m really tempted, but:

1) I’m kinda fine with what I do now.
2) I tend to get stalked and/or hacked on occasion, so I really don’t like having my contacts online. I wipe them out regularly.

This is kinda like the checkout line itemology, though – I just want it because it’s there. Your input is appreciated if you have any.

Go put this in like other places:
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • FriendFeed
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Reddit
  • Fark
  • Tumblr
  • Posterous
  • Technorati
  • Google Bookmarks
  • email
  • Print

{ 0 comments }

(Is this a new tattoo for Kobe, or has he had this for awhile?)

Skyler got back to me with more specific thoughts on the Sunkist logo changes he didn’t care for.

honestly there is nothing wrong with the logo itself the only reason why i dislike the new logo is the fact that they wanted to change the logo why mess with a classic? your mom did good, just 50 years down the road pepsi and coca-cola are gona have there same logos of course and i think its a shame our future children will never see the classic sunkist look.

Well, this is true, although with the internet, we can all enjoy the various Sunkist logos that have blessed our planet in perpetuity.

Plus, Pepsi changes their logo to some degree about once a decade, with the next one on the horizon in 2009.

In any case, I told my mom she did a good job on the Sunkist logo, and she just kinda stared at me for awhile. They love when I come to visit!

Catherine Hardwicke, in the middle of the European press tour for Twilight, got fired from directing the next movie in the franchise, although a quick press release after it leaked claims it’s a mutual decision.

I didn’t see it, as you may remember, but I’d challenge anyone to try and make a decent movie from that book without making massive changes to the storyline.

Of course, this would only anger the fans of the books, who are the only ones who saw it, anyway.

Tough situation either way – maybe it’s time to get rid of all the Twilight books finally?

Keanu Reeves is ready, willing and able for Bill and Ted 3.

“Maybe we could do it with them both grown up — they haven’t saved the world and they’re just living their lives as middle-aged men. That sounds quite funny.”

I don’t know how he came up with that story, but I’m in. Please make this next week, and have it out in time for Christmas.

By the way, if I’m spending time watching a Pacers-Celtics game, that pretty much means I’m back in bed with the NBA.

Go put this in like other places:
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • FriendFeed
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Reddit
  • Fark
  • Tumblr
  • Posterous
  • Technorati
  • Google Bookmarks
  • email
  • Print

{ 14 comments }

Running, Hate, Confusion

by Brian on September 18, 2008

in Los Angeles,My Art,Social Issues

I went for a run just now, and something happened I’m completely lost on.

First, to set this up – I’m a completely normal looking person. Those of you who have met me can vouch for this.

I’m just like, a person. I’m not nine feet tall, nor am I four feet tall. (Six foot three, to be precise.)

I don’t have a mohawk or face-piercings, or face tattoos, or like anything that could be considered outside the norm.

On said run, I was wearing the following: gray t-shirt, black running pants, New Balance shoes. Have iPod and keys in hand.

So I’m stopped at a stoplight, waiting for the walk signal. (You’ll actually get ticketed for jaywalking in LA.)

I’m not doing the “run in place” thing or anything weird – I’m just standing there.

I look over, and these two guys in a pick-up are looking at me. Like, staring – and the one guy turns to the other one, says something, and they both shake their heads.

And they keep looking, clearly irritated by me in some way. Now, this is one of those weird intersections where it’s not simply north-south, but all kinds of diagonals, so lights are long.

I’m right there, so I wave for them to put down their window, and I ask what the problem is.

To be clear, this was not confrontational; it wasn’t, “YOU GOT A PROBLEM, BUDDY?!”

I’m paraphrasing here, but it was basically, “Hey, I’m not trying to be weird or anything, but why are you looking at me like I’m a freak? I’m not trying to start anything – I’m seriously just curious.”

They just like laughed, and the one says, “Just go on your run, pal.”

I have no idea what this was about and never will – so strange. Were they anti-health and fitness? Did they hate New Balance? The color gray?

SO THEN I WENT HOME AND CUT MYSELF.

Go put this in like other places:
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • FriendFeed
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Reddit
  • Fark
  • Tumblr
  • Posterous
  • Technorati
  • Google Bookmarks
  • email
  • Print

{ 0 comments }