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Movies

SAVED BY THE BELL BEGINS (PART 1/4)

by Brian on June 16, 2009

in Brad Radby, Movies, Saved By the Bell Begins

Zack Morris (This is the summary for my proposed big-budget reboot of Saved by the Bell, titled Saved by the Bell Begins. If you missed the intro, including casting and excessive rationale, you can find it here.)

At the start of the movie, Zack Morris is finishing an action lawyer case for his star actoring client, who is Johnny Dakota, and that means Zack has to save Johnny from the marijuana terrorists’ rocket-powered water-blimp, and get him back to court in time to do a wink-and-click at the booty babes in the jury and win the trophy from the judge.

Zack does all of these things and captures the bad guys, because that means big money and celebrity-lawyer-based fame. Johnny wants to give him pot doobies, but instead Zack just takes sideline-access tickets to the Bayside City Tigers championship football game, where AC Slater is the star quarterback, and on the side he is a pro wrestler and a baseball player and a basketball star and has a pet chameleon named Artie that he keeps in his helmet, and Artie reminds him of the trick plays he can run to be a superstar and win the big game. Johnny is being famous and rings the Bayside City History Tradition Bell to start the game, and while that’s happening, Zack and Slater are having a new rivalry and doing double-flirting with a cheerleader, and she is Kelly Kapowski, and that’s a triple-word-score love triangle.

That’s when they announce the Presidential election results, and Rod Belding wins, and he is Keanu Reeves. Everyone is really excited because now Keanu will do his Special President Promise to install nuclear oil rigs all over Bayside City, and that means the people can get all the nuclear oil out of their part of the planet, and everyone will be rich when Keanu sells it to the gas stations for them.

Zack and Slater are doing their new snap-fingers handshake and being sorta-best-friends, when President Belding’s big brother Richard, who is Mr. Belding, who is Kevin Costner, is like, “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE…?” and he takes everyone to his special airplane, where his spy assistant Miss Bliss, who is Claire Forlani, and his spy nerd, who is Screech Powers, tells them that the nuclear oil is only a cover for Keanu’s real plan, and that the real plan is much worse, and they’re sure of this because they don’t even know what that plan is, and that’s the logic meme for this part of the movie.

Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Oy! Part 2 tomorrow – if you found this enjoyable, you may want to check out my movie book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, which is online totally for free. Keanu is up to no good over there, as well. Also follow me on Twitter if you like things.)

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SAVED BY THE BELL BEGINS (INTRO)

by Brian on June 15, 2009

in Brad Radby, Movies, Saved By the Bell Begins, TV

A couple points of interest before you read the greatest thing ever written for people raised in the 80s and 90s.

1) This is envisioned as a feature film – like a big, $150M summer tent-pole.

2) Don’t be fooled by the fact that the cast is primarily the original cast. It’s a complete reboot, not a continuation. Think Batman Begins – nothing from the TV show “counts”.

3) If this was done how I’ve laid it out – like an over-the-top, ridiculous Michael Bay style action movie – I challenge you to admit you wouldn’t see it. I’d venture to say a lot of you would pay $50 a ticket and see it at least ten times, just like I would.

4) Everything would be played totally and completely 100% straight. No winks-and-nods to the audience, except the one time that there’s a literal wink-and-nod.

With those parameters – and links to all four parts of the summary are below – I give you…

SAved By the Bell Reunion 1

LOGLINE
When President Rod Belding schemes to install nuclear oil rigs across Bayside City, his brother Richard forms a team of elite specialists to save everyone…by the bell.

CAST
Mark-Paul Gosselaar…Zack Morris
Mario Lopez…AC Slater
Tiffani Thiessen…Kelly Kapowski
Elizabeth Berkley…Jessie Spano
Lark Voorhies…Lisa Turtle
Dustin Diamond…Samuel “Screech” Powers
Hilary Swank…Tori Scott
Claire Forlani…Miss Bliss
TBD…Johnny Dakota
Kevin Costner…Mr. Belding
Keanu Reeves…President Rod Belding

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(If you like what you’re seeing, you should really go check out my free book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby – there’s a little something called Perfect Strangers Begins in there.)

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The Shaggy Dog, Doctor Appt.

by Brian on June 9, 2009

in Actoring, Books, Doctors, Food, Girls, Movies, Super Airplane

(In the picture below, @alexiskn shows the first and second best uses for my book – as a placeholder for real books, and as the Tobey Maguire to her Joan Allen home.** You can see that it’s already infected that sad-face copy of Lord of the Flies.)

super-airplane

I was on IMDB looking up information on Robert Downey Jr, and came across 2006’s The Shaggy Dog. From the message board:

I saw this movie about six months ago on a field trip. The only reason that I chose this movie was that I only had four options. There was this girl from my group that was laughing every five minutes. Clearly she has no taste. Anyway, did Tim Allen have to be naked? I mean, what is so wrong with a dog with clothes on?

Someone follows up by pointing out that dogs don’t wear clothes. It turns into a heated discussion about who’s more stupid, and the scientific logic of a human turning into a dog in real life, and whether said dog would wear clothes or not.

This all brings me back to late 2004 or so, a time wherein I didn’t have a blog at all, and occasionally did background work in TV and movies.

You see, I spent about two weeks on The Shaggy Dog, and if you listen really closely, you might hear myself and some girl (as “Courtroom Gallery Members”) screaming, “OH F–K!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA GET AIDS!!! AAAHHHH!!!!!” when we were supposed to be “confused and a little surprised” regarding Tim Allen barking in the middle of court.

I’m not actually onscreen there as more than a shoulder, but I did make it in during the restaurant scene, when Kristin Davis is stood up by her naked dog husband. I’m the guy in the v-neck sweater fake-eating salmon. The twist is that I real-ate five plates of that stuff, and that’s because I was hungry.

I’m sure I have a ton of stories like this, but I’ve largely blocked out the +/-6 months I spent doing background actoring – it’s an awful way to spend time, although highly educational with regard to how sets work.

You can also meet lots of girls, and learn the delicate art of not committing suicide after spending a day around little kids who have better careers than you.

I’ll be at the doctor this afternoon, and will do my best to Tweet the entire thing, as mentioned the other day. First person to correctly guess what the appointment is for wins their own colorful and lifesaving copy of PTSA.

**Reading it is actually the tenth best utilization of the book.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here – it’s available in paperback, or iPhone/Kindle for only 1.99.)

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Here. My Explosion…

by Brian on June 1, 2009

in Bruce Willis, Movies, Twitter

I’m not a film reviewer by any means, and I think you know this. Generally I can’t go farther than “I liked that” or “here’s what I would’ve done” or “Bruce Willis = A+”.

As you also know, I’ve been connecting with a lot of other filmmakers on Twitter lately, and one of those is Reid Gershbein, who has put a couple films up online, one of which I checked it out over the weekend.

The title – Here, My Explosion… – is right there in my perfection zone, although I would’ve gone a different direction with it – something more like Brad Radby’s My Naughty Tornado.

This is an art film.

I don’t generally get into these kind of movies – I’m way too shallow and/or ADD – but this started off with an interesting high concept, so it kept me. Basically, when Sera, a really super pretty blond artist, drinks coffee, weird stuff happens. It’s somewhere in the area of telekinesis – I don’t know that it’s ever fully explained.

Somewhere along the line, people learn about themselves and other stuff happens. I’ll be interested to hear Reid’s take on his own work, and what he was going for – I’m guessing it’s open for interpretation. Here. My Explosion… is a little talky and meandering for me, but remember that you’re getting that opinion from someone who’s seen Bad Boys II 47 times.

The one definitive thing I can say is that the lead actress, Eleese Longino, was phenomenal. I don’t know if she’d worked with Reid before or if she’s just that good or what, but everything felt very natural and real, and her performance kept me engaged. The shooting style – something done on a Flip called tilt-shift – contributed to this, as well. It was all really organic, for lack of a better word.

If you’re into experimental films, I’d go take a look. (Kingsley – I’m looking at you.)

You can watch the film right here and Reid is over on Twitter here.

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American Apparel Pregnancy Apparel, Apparel

by Brian on May 22, 2009

in Fashion, Girls, Misc, Movies

I’m not out to offend women in any way, but the cold hard fact is that I won’t ever go to American Apparel again.

Set aside that I’ve never been there before – just take in that ad to your right.

Take it in.

I know a pregnant woman is supposed to be the most beautiful thing on Earth, but seriously – if I had a wife who was wearing that, I’d have a hard time not laughing.

After I was done having my hard time not laughing, I’d get a divorce and spend ten years on the road with my high school friends, trying to forget.

Ten years later I’d return, and try to patch up the relationship with the kid. I’d know it was mine, because I’d show him/her the picture of my ex-wife in the American Apparel Pregnant Leotard (2009 Limited Edition), and they’d then go on their 10-year road trip.

The fact is, American Apparel is a bunch of hippies, and their ad about pregnant leotards means I’ll never have a family.

I’m going see Night at the Museum 2 instead of Terminator Salvation this weekend. I’ll see Terminator Salvation also, but I noticed that Bryce Dallas Howard is pregnant in it, and I have an intense fear she’s wearing post-apocalyptic maternity leotards from American Apparel.

I’m sure the guy in that Wendy’s commercial thinks this is the greatest outfit ever, but…yeah.

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Wolverine, Swine Flu, Miss Destructo

by Brian on April 28, 2009

in Food, Health, Misc, Movies, Twitter

It’s not that I don’t think Wolverine be good, it’s just that as a ex-comic book junkie, I always felt what was cool about the character was his mysterious past.

A movie called X-Men Origins: Wolverine kinda kills that. However, I recently read the review at /film, and needed only three paragraphs to turn.

The opening scene kept me guessing as to how successful the film would ultimately be. It serves as a super-quick introduction to Logan’s rage and guilt, which are given as some kind of inner drive for him and visualised [sic] in the form of a howling motif we will see again and again.

I’m there – this is exactly what I wanted from it, yeah?

Swine Flu – I have it. It’s not that bad – I mean, it’s one of those “hurty” coughs, but like I can eat and exercise and everything. I’m sure it’ll pass.

Okay, here’s the real item on today’s agenda – one of my Twitter friends is a young lady who goes by the name of Miss Destructo. She’s cool, and funny, and more than anything, she loves Bruce’s Yams. (Her Twitter is here. Her blog is here.)

The company that makes this product – Bruce Food Company – has no social media presence, outside of Miss Destructo’s very organic and public love of them. With her permission, I went ahead and wrote a digital letter to the company, asking if they could please discuss hiring her to start jamming them on Twitter or Facebook or whichever social media thing will be big next week.

Here’s an excerpt – this is the part that made me laugh the most:

…and thus it is why I write you this day of yore.

Perhaps it is in our darkest hours, sirs, when the light may shine brightest? Perhaps the tempest of prophesy is upon us? To quote from Hamlet, if I may, sirs, and please excuse what mayhap, sirs, be construed as hyperbole:

“NAY, FATHER! NAY! NAY! NAY! WHAT DOST THOU DO!? NAY!”

The message then, sirs, is clear. Allow me to establish a quagmiric layout of procedural tempest with which one may assuage the binary methodologies, sirs, with which Miss Destructo may benefit your multi-state conglomorate of food supply business doings, sirs:

1) A three-pronged attack of social media, sirs, encompassing the following, including, but not limited to, sirs, the aforementioned Twitter, the venue by which I became associated with Miss Destructo in no less than three mannerisms. Tempest, again – you see this now, I assume.

2) Tempestual matters of this sort as shall be discussed, sirs, related to what we in the industry refer to as “Facebook Tempest” or “The Facebook Tempest”. A redux will perhaps be necessary, sirs, in the event of quakes of thine earth. Hurricanes known to be traditionally more dangerous amongst the smaller of the human race. Height, being an unqualified advantage in times of peril and yore.

Printed out, this digital letter is two pages in length. I’d pretty much pay anything to hear from whoever it is at Bruce’s Food Company who read it first, so if that’s you, please get in touch.

You can take up the cause for Miss Destructo by writing to info@brucefoodsla.com.

I’d suggest putting “GIVE MISS DESTRUCTO YO TWITTA” in the subject line, and then like anything short and sweet inside. I think my message laid out the tempest pretty well.

NOTE: We can add “yams” to that list of foods I’ve never actually had.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

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Wolverine Screaming in a Field

by Brian on April 5, 2009

in Movies, Weightlifting

I need to finally take the time to do a full analysis of this Wolverine movie poster.

I first saw this like a month ago, and it’s fascinated me ever since.

Not so much because of the abundance of bulging veins, but because I’m trying to determine how and why this scene/scenario could be in the movie.

Options:

1) He’s just escaped from some important thing, and is venting his victory angst.

This is certainly possible, but logic says this would’ve happened just outside the woods, instead of some arbitrary spot in the middle of the field.

There’s no delineation point in this field that says, “okay, now I got away for sure.”

2) He’s just killed someone of great importance, whether good or bad.

Accidentally killing a loved one or an important enemy are both things Wolverine would do, if he had to, but I see no dead bodies anywhere here.

When you kill someone important, you usually emit your angst right over the body – you don’t take a few steps away and do it.

3) He was just walking along, and decided to stop and scream at the sky.

Wolverine is one tortured individual, so this is the most likely case. I really hope this scene is in the movie, exactly in this context, and I hope it’s the first scene, and the second scene, and all the other scenes.

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Allen Iverson, Wolverine, Ben Affleck

by Brian on April 2, 2009

in Books, Brad Radby, Bruce Willis, Cleveland Cavaliers, Movies, NBA, WSM?, Weightlifting

I can’t help but feel a little sorry for Allen Iverson.

At this point it’s become clear that what his career was always about – not being able to play well with others – is what is career actually was always about.

He’s having major sadness about it, and even though I like him, I’d love to see Cavs-Lasers in the first round, because I think all of their various issues would eventually result in the ultimate Sheed meltdown for all-time.

This whole thing where the Wolverine movie has leaked online isn’t that big a deal. I mean, it sucks and it’s wrong, and I’ll be similarly angry when I accidentally leak my movie online tomorrow, but I don’t see it having a huge effect on the box office.

Go read David Poland’s analysis – I think it’s correct.

What’s great is that no matter if it makes a ton of money or tanks, the leak with be credited with doing that.

They’ve got their “out” if it doesn’t perform, and then Wolverine stands in a field and screams. If it takes off, then it was so good, people went and saw it anyway, and Wolverine stands in a field and screams.

If it’s right in the middle, Hugh Jackman stands in a field and screams, but not as Wolverine. Nobody writes anything about it in this last scenario.

(Side note: I don’t think I’m genetically capable of having that many veins pop out of my arms, but I’m now determined to try. Originally this entire post was about that.)

Today’s Brad Radby movie is 1999’s Dr. Wall Street, with Ben Affleck, Al Pacino, Minnie Driver, and Bruce Willis.

One day at the businessman cigar club, Ben finds out his Minnie Driver is also Al’s secret wife, and that she’s from England. The double-crosses are happening everywhere, and it turns out Bruce is bad, and Al knows it, and Minnie knew also, even though she’s never met Bruce.

When Ben finds this last one out, he pulls the fire alarm and runs down the street in the rain, and he’s holding important files when he does this.

I ended up rewriting this one quite a bit, but in the end it came out pretty funny, probably because of the surfing thing in the credits. This was also the first of the book’s soon-to-be excessive and borderline offensive use of the term “The Big C”.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

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Marbury on Twitter, AFD, In Your Face!

by Brian on April 1, 2009

in Books, Brad Radby, Movies, Readers, Super Airplane, Twitter

So now Stephon Marbury is on Twitter, and I’d have to say that next to Shaq, he’s made the best use of it so far.

Just about everything he was saying last night was interaction with fans, as opposed to “tying my shoes, gonna play hard”.

In fact, he seemed to answer everyone’s questions except mine.

@StarburyMarbury Steph does anyone ever ask Ray Allen why he’ll only play for the teams that wear green?

I’m not going to link to him, because there now seems to be a concentrated (collusional?) effort to click all the links in any given post except the one I am clearly asking you to.

It’s April Fool’s Day, which is by far my least favorite holiday of the year, ie the day when everyone who isn’t funny tries to be funny. If you’re wondering if your hilarious prank is funny or not, it’s not.

I actually go out of my way to be dead serious on April 1st. Like today when I go to the gym, I’ll scream at the top of my lungs, “EVERYONE TO THE POOL!!!”

Here’s the thing – there’s no way everyone that’s in there will possibly be able to fit in the pool, so when the crowd rushes in, it’s just going to be really stressful, as everyone tries to find a spot to cram into.

Today’s Brad Radby movie is from 1999, and features Jim Carrey in the classic In Your Face!.

Then Jim gets way too much in peoples’ faces, and learns his lesson too much, so he goes back to the bowling alley and gives his magic attitude shoes back. He goes over and bowls a 300 game all on his own and wins it for the popular team, and then Courtney Cox kisses him.

I need a name for a minor character in my third book. Please tell me in the comments why I should use yours. It’s a tattoo artist – I’d like him or her to have something that doesn’t sound like they’re a tattoo artist at all.

Normally I use an online Random Name Generator when I’m stuck, but I feel like gifting someone with a small form of personal immortality today.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

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Cavs, 60 Minutes, Radby

by Brian on March 30, 2009

in Airplanes, Books, Brad Radby, Bruce Willis, Cleveland Cavaliers, Fictional Spaceships, LeBron James, Movies, NBA, Super Airplane, Twitter

Let’s note one thing – since some weeks ago, when I went off the grid and made an assertive effort to get over the DEC loss to Washington, the Cavaliers have not lost.

Now that they seem to have fixed their on-court problems, I’m back in November/December mode.

It’s hard not to be, because this team (as I said back then) is like watching the ‘95 Indians, and a lot of that is just because they seem to be having so much fun together.

Did I stick with them through an ugly patch? No…but it’s not like I went and cheered for another team. I think I just need to not watch the NBA in January from here forward.

(I’m also aware that stating a team that’s going to win 66-69 games had an “ugly patch” is inconsiderate to fans of say, the Lasers or Knicks.)

The 60 Minutes piece on LeBron was well-done if not Earth-shattering. I found far more entertainment in the piece before that one, where they talked about how lions are being poisoned in Kenya.

For some reason whenever they talked about poison I had laughing happen to me. It’s just that the way they used the word had me picturing people going out in the safari with big, generic looking bottles that had skulls and crossbones on them.

The narrator was always like:

And what are they using to kill these lions…?
(dramatic pause)
POISON.

Okay, so let’s start breaking down my second book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby (The Complete Filmography 1999-2023).

Radby and his first film The Exploders are pretty integral to the plot of Prelude to a Super Airplane, but this book is completely accessible whether you’ve read that or not.

It’s mainly his own summaries/analysis of all his films, which were primarily made between 1999 and 2013. He is best described as some combination of Brett Ratner, Michael Bay, and myself.

That said, the book is allegedly written in 2023, 10 years after the events of PTSA, so here and there you receive some nice hints into what happened after the 47-story Super Airplane left ground.

Let’s start with the HISTORICAL NOTE and FOREWORD.

In the spring of 1998, Brad Radby quietly directed his first movie, then titled The Exploders, and starring Bruce Willis, Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Diane Lane, Chris Rock, and Gene Hackman.

When it was finally released in May of 2013 as BRAD RADBY’S THE EXPLODERS, the film industry was changed forever. In the years between, Mr. Radby directed thirty-six other movies, before his alleged death aboard the famed Super Airplane in December of 2012.

Inside these pages, in his own words, Mr. Radby walks you through each of these films, giving valuable insights into the stories, and the stories behind the stories.

Therein, you will also finally learn how the massive typo on the cover of PTSA happened, what the first movie to ever win two straight Best Picture awards was, and how many people survived the Super Airplane ride.

(This seems almost futile, since the percentage of people who click through to my completely, 100% free book vs those who click through when I point out a good-looking girl on Twitter is amazingly off-balance in one direction.)

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)
(Read the entirety of my movie parody book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, completely for free.)

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