This isn’t true at all.

First of all, I consider myself a writer, not an actor, which means I’m jealous of Sam Worthington’s writing career.

He wrote [...]]]> If you’ve watched my latest vlog/video (embedded below), you might think I have some kind of jealousy for Avatar star Sam Worthington and his massive career.

This isn’t true at all.

First of all, I consider myself a writer, not an actor, which means I’m jealous of Sam Worthington’s writing career.

He wrote Con Air when he was 12. At that age, I hadn’t even figured out I wanted to write yet.

Even if I was prone to jealousy of others’ careers – a wasted form of mind power and time – clearly my head shape and masculinity levels don’t allow for Sam and I to even be compared.

My jealousy target would be Edward Norton, as seen above. That’s even more irrational, though. He’s a far better actor than I could ever hope to be, and blue isn’t close to the color of jealousy.

Are my eyes really that colorful. lol

(The trailer is embedded at the end of this post if you haven’t seen it.)

I counter [...]]]> The new trailer for The Dark Knight Rises is out, and many a filmmaker and critic seem to think they should be directing this movie, because the voice of the villain, Tom Hardy Bane, isn’t crystal clear.

(The trailer is embedded at the end of this post if you haven’t seen it.)

I counter this with the following.

1) Christopher Nolan has functional ears and this is his ninth feature-length motion picture as director. He knows exactly what/how/why Bane sounds like. Stop saying he’s “too close to the script – he’s unable to be objective”. You sound like a snob.

It’s a choice he’s making, and it’s entirely possible he actually thought it through.

Imagine Tom Hardy Bane standing over a downed Christian Bale Batman and explaining what he’s going to do to him – are you more scared for Christian Bale Batman if you know exactly what he’s going to do, or if you only have half an idea, and just get the feeling it’s going to be horrific?

Mysterious characters are scarier and in many cases much better, unless you like what’s been done to Darth Vader over the years.

2) This lends itself to viral videos, i.e. free advertising. People still make “Christian Bale Growly Batman” videos three years after The Dark Knight, featuring Christian Bale as The Batman.

3) Are you the same person who thought casting Heath Ledger as the Joker was ridiculous when it was announced. Why don’t you put some trust in Christopher Nolan Batman Director, who by my count has never made a bad movie.

4) Why are you always upset. lol

Are you being Tom Hardy as Bane for Halloween.

There’s a certain comfort level in my thoughts of viewing the DVD, because I’ve seen the movie 3-4 times.

Perhaps I can zone out from all my other tasks and works by watching it. Maybe [...]]]> I found my old Edward Norton’s The Incredible Hulk DVD, and I want to watch it so bad.

There’s a certain comfort level in my thoughts of viewing the DVD, because I’ve seen the movie 3-4 times.

Perhaps I can zone out from all my other tasks and works by watching it. Maybe seeing it will make a relaxation nap happen to me.

How enticing.

What if I watch it and that doesn’t happen, though. What if I just keep doing my Twittler and emails during it, and thus corrupt the experience.

Then what will I turn to so I can say, “Oh, if my stress gets me, I will just watch Edward Norton’s The Incredible Hulk.”

It’s not like Thor will suffice, and I do not even have that DVD, because of how it is 2011 now, and Thor is there on Amazon Primal if I need to say hello to it.

I need my anticipation of watching ENIH to survive, and thus can never watch it again. But still, it wants me to watch it.

Guess what was on Netflix when I turned it on. Yep, Bill Bixby’s The Incredible Hulk TV Show.

After I turned it on to see if it would make a suitable placebo, I noticed something and did this:

in the opener of the 70s hulk show banner can’t change his tire so he turns into the hulk and throws the car off a cliff lol
8 hours ago via Twitter for Android

See, I kept doing my Twittler during it. What a big risk my whole life has become.

Also I need a haircut, don’t you think.

Great To Watch, October 13, 2011
By Brian Spaeth | This review is from: The Incredible Hulk (Widescreen Edition) (DVD)

Everyone liked this and I made them [...]]]> If you didn’t realize the other day that I leave the best reviews on Amazon, here is your chance to try learning that again.

Great To Watch, October 13, 2011
By Brian Spaeth | This review is from: The Incredible Hulk (Widescreen Edition) (DVD)

Everyone liked this and I made them stop chanting the first time Greg became the Hulk so they could see that part. The disc skipped once but that was just Chomps bumping into the DVD player. Keep your bones upstairs!

If you watch this with your dad and you want to make him laugh, say “Et tu Eric Bana?” at the part where Greg goes to the pizza shop.

Also, another thing to know is that even though I do own this DVD video disc, I never watch it because I am addicted to all streaming services.

Sometimes I will stream one thing via Amazon through my Blu Ray player while my Roku is streaming the same thing on Netflix.

While that is happening I cook some eggs and get ready for a fun party. It’s a dress-up party.

At one part of being there, this guy came up to me and gave me a hug, and was like, “I really like your hat.”

It was a just [...]]]> After my NFL football game experience, we went to the celebration bar and talked about how nice it was to see such a real victory.

At one part of being there, this guy came up to me and gave me a hug, and was like, “I really like your hat.”

It was a just a normal hat with a Wahoo Chief on it, and I thought it was weird he liked it so much, and how he kept squeezing my shoulder, and trying to bite my neck.

LOL!

I was like to my friend, “Hey, why do you think he liked my hat,” and he was like, “He liked your hat,” and I was going, “No, I am asking you why do you think he liked it,” and he goes, “Well, he liked it a lot,” and I said to him that he was no help and shoved him on the ground.

He hit his head and started having a healthy bleed, and that is ironic writing because bleeding from your head is not healthy at all.

One must wonder what became of that guy, and if we are still friends, and how he got home.

What a fun day, even though my hand has a sunburn, and it’s a bad sunburn.

Also I can’t tell you about the booty babes but that was fun too, and I put my hat on sideways at that part, like in that one movie everyone likes.

Brad Pitt didn’t invent math, so just stop it. #Moneyball

Go ahead and use a hashtag.

the plot is ryan reynolds has his foot in a bear trap and is in a barn and he is trying to get out of the barn so he can find a locksmith

Then [...]]]> So I was doing Netflix and watching I’m Buried with Ryan Reynolds, and it made me do this on Twitters.

the plot is ryan reynolds has his foot in a bear trap and is in a barn and he is trying to get out of the barn so he can find a locksmith

Then I thought that would be a good movie in real life, but with a Brian Spaeth instead of a Ryan Reynolds, and that girl @notjaylyn started asking me all these great questions because of how interesting the movie sounds.

That gave me more ideas and the concept got really fleshed out.

@notjaylyn yeah and he autographs the barn and puts it on ebay and moves to portugal

That would be the end of the movie, and that’s spoilers, and sorry about that.

Here comes some of the part of the movie that is for deep character building.

@notjaylyn also in the movie ryan loves pistachios and that’s another reason he wants to get out of the barn its so he can eat some

Also maybe BearTrap is like a guy like Saw and the reason he chose beartraps for his mean game is because of how handy they are for trapping people and then putting them places they don’t want to be.

So this could be BearTrap IV, even though it’s the first one, and part of the viral marketing could be how everyone wonders what color the barns were in the first three BearTrap movies.

Would you watch this movie so much.

I hope you review Dolphin Tale – looking forward to it-

Okay, so that is part one. Part two is my response, and that is next, [...]]]> I do not have an excitement video for this week because of my leg, so let’s get to the Facebook exchange message I got from a real babe.

I hope you review Dolphin Tale – looking forward to it-

Okay, so that is part one. Part two is my response, and that is next, so keep having your read.

Remember to put on your bi-focals if your eyes have a headache.

is that the dolphin-with-no-tail movie

i might but that genre is so played – what else can be done with it

That is really a true thing about that genre, but I saw Dolphin Tale anyway, and it is my new favorite Dennis Quaid movie, even though they put Harry’s Connick Jr. in the Dennis Quaid role.

The best part is when Red comes back from being on his prison boat and is like, “Hey, did you guys notice that dolphin has no tail,” and the kids all start having vomit moments.

Then he tells them about how he took all of Shoop’s money dollars and used it to invest in dolphin prosthetics, and that the jig is up.

They put the fake fin on, and then Flips swims to the edge and uses one of those computer programs to say “Flips say thank you” and the little boy gives back the pocket watch he stole from Dennis Quaid, because he learned his lesson.

It is a great movie – families will love it. Also it has an iPhone app.

Did you see it yet.

There are a lot of movie snobs claiming the world is ending because The Smurfs did well at the box office.

Here is something to learn about that, and that’s that I went to it with my nieces and nephew, and now they like to pretend to be Smurfs [...]]]> (Look how handy I am.)

There are a lot of movie snobs claiming the world is ending because The Smurfs did well at the box office.

Here is something to learn about that, and that’s that I went to it with my nieces and nephew, and now they like to pretend to be Smurfs so much.

That means good job making the movie, plus also profits = a new empire!

Here is why you should stop being a movie snob about this, and if you are doing a complaint, I bet your favorite thing to watch is The Royal Tennenbaums, and that you like to pretend it is a comedy.

SPOILER SPACE FOR THE SMURFS

When Neil Patrick Harris was playing Guitar Star with the Smurfs for no reason, my niece was having a multi-jump up and down in her seat. This is because she is a kid, and it is okay that the Smurfs are not out saving Libya.

The one part they hated was when Blind Smurf tripped on that quarter and got a scrape on his wrist.

When Dad Smurf explained to Neil Marshall Patrick that he couldn’t use a spell to make Blind Smurf’s retinas work better, because that would rob him of a valuable life lesson, it made up for it a little, and that is because of learning.

Later when Dad (voiced really good by Jessie from Breaking Bad) used a spell to make Gargamel have broken eyes, now you had to question the thing he said before. Do you like the movie now that there are irony layers in the story, just like The Royal Tennenbaums, with the hilarious attempted suicide scene.

Here comes a big thing to respect.

They even referenced how in the cartoon, Smurfette was a terrorist created by Gargamel, and that’s good continuity.

END SPOILERS

The Smurfs win in the end.

Also, Matt Damon did a great job doing Gargamel.

If you do not like The Smurfs Motion Picture you are a bad person. Do not leave comments unless you agree with me.

There was a huge argument this weekend with a booty girl about my writing process.

She was even stepping on my foot during the two-step because I kept saying that even in my new book I [...]]]> (Here is the sweat factor from my run this morning. Note that I live in an aquarium now.)

There was a huge argument this weekend with a booty girl about my writing process.

She was even stepping on my foot during the two-step because I kept saying that even in my new book I am writing, I felt comfortable paying homage to movies, but not to other books.

When we did the tumble-dip, she was like, “Whyyyyyyyyyy!! It’s the same thiiiiiiing!” and I would just like wink in a way that meant, “Nope”.

This morning on my hot and sweaty run I decided to answer her via email.

I’ve been thinking about why I am willing to crib from movies but not from books, and have determined it’s because I feel comfortable knowing with film where the line is between a nod/homage and just ripping someone off.

I’m not as well-read in lit and thus don’t feel secure that I have a gauge for that.

So I made an email to the babe and her email address is iheartbrianspathe@gmail.com, so maybe give her your thoughts on where that line is, and then also if you know where it is.

Be that hardcore novelist you are.

Here is her response, and it came in a handwritten note from a doggie. It was in his cute little mouth, and he had a tag that said his name on it.

Well that makes perfect sense. And I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to figure it out rather than just dismissing it as a legit question.

Well the joke is on her, because I did dismiss it as a legit question. I only answered it because it was a nod to The Hunger Games.

Now you know more about how I write and also how I create different blog posts so much.

Do you live in an aquarium. Yes or no is fine, plus some extra info so that it’s more interesting than just yes or no.

I’m having my eureka moment with it – I made a Tumblr happen to myself that’s lasted almost three days.

The truth is that between this site and [...]]]> I was making some turtlecalls when all of a sudden I was like, “ooh let’s try having a Tumblr for like the fourth time”.

I’m having my eureka moment with it – I made a Tumblr happen to myself that’s lasted almost three days.

The truth is that between this site and turtlecalls and Brad Radby’s website and pictures of The Christmas Bridge in fridges, I needed a place to aggregate everything I do.

Also, it seems I like to paraphrase movie quotes over there, like this one.

clash of the titans

avatar is like why is it taking the kraken ten minutes to stand up and the horse is like nay nay get these wings off me this is gross how did this happen nay nay nay

Can you believe I just used aggregate correctly in a sentence.

In that last sentence I spelled it “sentance” first, which is pretty funny if you say it out loud at your graduation speech.

All the teachers are all embarrassed about how you got a diploma without knowing how to speak. Also leave your shoes untied for that, so there’s more embarrassment, but that one will be for your mom and dad.

I was like a “no, no, no, no, no” and she was like a “yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah”.

It’s not that I don’t want picture-based representations of my younger self [...]]]> I had a huge fight with my sister yesterday because she wanted to put all these childhood pictures she’d scanned in onto Facebook.

I was like a “no, no, no, no, no” and she was like a “yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah”.

It’s not that I don’t want picture-based representations of my younger self online, it’s just that I bet they will make Tron vs Avatar in like 2031.

Tron will be like “You’re not my dad!” and Avatar will be like, “Get out of the house! No more free rides!”

A little after that is when they fight, and the twist is that he is his dad.

How funny would Avatar look with a beard. lol

What if I pitched that movie to someone who doesn’t have the rights to either property, and they were like, “If only I had the rights! Nab’it!”

Happy New Year.

Sometimes I’m driving in my car on a lone desert’s night through a neighborhood.

That means instead of sleeping I’m behind the wheel, wishing upon a moonlight’s query that I had more four-wheel drive technology inside my car’s wheels.

A month later, I was wondering how it changed her life, so I hit her up on chat and asked.

Brian: Hey what is up.

Kiana: Hi
Kiana: Watching Avatar

Brian: Oh I was [...]]]> Remember when that girl changed her last name to Spaeth and started a worldwide sensation that one time?

A month later, I was wondering how it changed her life, so I hit her up on chat and asked.

Brian: Hey what is up.

Kiana: Hi
Kiana: Watching Avatar

Brian: Oh I was in that

Kiana: I know
Kiana: Didn’t you play Sam Worthington

Brian: Yeah
Brian: They CGI’d his face and body over mine
Brian: He is not even a real person
Brian: I might try to be in Avatar 2: Here Comes More Avatars

Kiana: I love your jazzy style and swag
Kiana: Stick with what you’re doing
Kiana: That was music to my ears
Kiana: Solid

Brian: Did you just copy that off that singing show with Nick Lachey

Kiana: We are Pitch Slapped.
Kiana: We’re naturally competitive.

Brian: Nick was in Avatar also

Kiana: Was he Giovanni Ribisi
Kiana: Hang on my french fries are here
Kiana: How much do I tip them

Brian: $5 aw man, lemme lemme say dis

Kiana: lol
Kiana: wow this show is weird

Brian: now I want french fries
Brian: lol

Kiana: lol

The great thing is that’s a real voting ballot, and now I’ve finally seen one get used, and Kiana is the new Senator for wherever she lives. She won the government contest.

The backup plan is the main plan – that’s those movies and you already know that.

Well one is in [...]]]> Well in case my new book doesn’t make that crazy money happen to me because of how I forget to market it again, maybe the backup plan will be the way to go.

The backup plan is the main plan – that’s those movies and you already know that.

Well one is in the works in a way that is looking nice and here was part of the big online internet chat about the next steps in making it happen with these guys and they are guys that are making the movie.

I changed their names because right now that movie is still a secret movie and not a movie for you to know about just yet.

Guy has joined
Tucker has joined

Tucker: hello everybody
Tucker: can this be voice?

me: I’m in a starbucks

Guy: lol

me: lol I really am why is that funny

Tucker: like moby dick
Tucker: what did i miss?
Tucker: good news i hope
Tucker: are you on your droid?

me: no my netbook

Tucker: can you send that budget?

me: I did
me: he did a first pass – not meant to be a hard breakdown of the script – just a “yeah this is a realistic ballpark number”

Tucker: hmn
Tucker: interesting numbers
Tucker: i didn’t see where it said how many days the shoot is…
Tucker: nevermind
Tucker: 50

me: does it say that lol

Tucker: haha
Tucker: no 20

me: I thought he had it at 18
me: which doesn’t seem like enough

Tucker: yeah, that’s kinda short
Tucker: are there any weather stages/transitions in OH?

Guy: yeah, winter and not winter

Tucker: the biggest issue is finding covered sets in the event that there is weather then

me: if it’s snowing can I still take off my shirt
me: lol oh that is going on my blog

After that Guy was like, “oh you are such a narcissist!” and Tucker was like, “guys stick to business!” and then I was like, “lol” and then lost my internet connection and went to go make my muscles happen at the gym.

Hopefully those guys worked it out I better email them to check in. btw I am Team Tucker between the two of them.

That’s a telly to you Englands.

Well it makes a sound and then I am going, “Oh man what is that noise I am so startled,” and [...]]]> Hey so I was busy waking up this morning and sometimes I make my Android friend do that to me and my Android friend is my mobile telephone.

That’s a telly to you Englands.

Well it makes a sound and then I am going, “Oh man what is that noise I am so startled,” and start knocking over lamps and especially that one lamp I hate that one because of the shade on it always being dusty.

When I find my little friend I hit the button and slide him across the floor so I can get a little more rest and that’s maybe like eight more minutes that I want.

Yep I did that today except at the end of the slide that the phone did the screen lit up like a Ghostbusters trap and made a Ghostbusters noise and caught a ghost for me and that was a Herbert Hoover ghost and he invented the vacuum cleaner.

History is good for you don’t be afraid.

“What a great app and that would be a great app even if it didn’t really catch ghosts,” is what I thought and now I am sharing.

They should make that app but only for phones that can slide like my buddy does.

Oh and if you were wondering yep Hugh Jackman is taking the whole fall to make his veins pop again so those veins can be there for him in Here Comes That Guy Wolverine Again.

If they called it that I would buy the download and the DVD and the Blue-ray and I would do that the first day they were out and also I would see it in the theater just so I could ask for tickets to Here Comes That Guy Wolverine Again when everyone else is just being meek with their, “One for Wolverine, please. I am lonely.”

Why is that belt in the picture. lol

I don’t have children that I got told about yet so until those cool confrontations happen I make do with other baby-daddy guys.

Well yesterday was a really special one because I pretended I had brand-new amnesia all [...]]]> Sometimes when Father’s Day comes I like to help celebrate with all the fathers I know.

I don’t have children that I got told about yet so until those cool confrontations happen I make do with other baby-daddy guys.

Well yesterday was a really special one because I pretended I had brand-new amnesia all day and there were things like this that happened:

Me: Oh no I can’t remember who I am.

Dad: Why are you acting like that.

Me: It is so scary being a blank slate.

Dad: I am not playing this game with you.

Me: Have I always had these cool muscles.

Then I would touch daddy’s face like I was blind even though I was laughing through all of that and it went on for three hours of me wondering how my muscles got on my skeleton.

After awhile Spider-Man 3 came on and I could not keep up the act and had to admit about how that one did not get gold stars for me.

Also Toy Story 3 gave my tears so many places they could go, like one of those places was all over my face.

Okay so I thought maybe it was time to tell the excitement story about the time I made a booty babe think I only knew about 500 words that I could say.

I was at a movie watching place [...]]]> (Sometimes I do a text with @iamboney and it makes his battery become sleepy.)

Okay so I thought maybe it was time to tell the excitement story about the time I made a booty babe think I only knew about 500 words that I could say.

I was at a movie watching place and before the movie started the double date was ending. It might have been a just-friends date – I don’t remember.

The girl was sitting there and I told her about how sometimes I read interesting things to make my brain do hard work and there was one thing about how people who were average knew 17,000 words.

Then my sad face was on my face and that was because I said I only knew 500, and I knew that because I’d tried to list them all.

Well, that was when some skepticism was happening to her, so I started my list over on some paper I had in my pocket and did on-purpose stalling at around 30 words.

“Well, I’m out of words,” was what I said and put a look on my face that was like being dumbfounded.

“Four of those words aren’t on your list,” and she pointed out that I hadn’t listed four out of those five by saying that to me.

“Hey, did you know that grape popsicles are colder than the other ones?” That was me talking again.

“Those were a bunch more words, and no.”

This went on until the movie started and then some more after the movie was done being on the screen.

I never let go of my dumb guy game I was playing, because that’s pretty much how I am all the time anyway.

Also my girlfriend would’ve been in a mad place with her emotions if she had found out about my triple-word-score dumb guy blind movie date.

Now I’m a new man don’t worry.

I don’t know if it’s oil from my button-pushers or general wear-and-tear, but I’m gonna try and use “j” words more often.

Anyway, I’ve said increasingly offensive things via Twitter about the big oil spill and feel a need to confess them.

Lost fans, this was [...]]]> This is a picture of my netbook keyboard.

I don’t know if it’s oil from my button-pushers or general wear-and-tear, but I’m gonna try and use “j” words more often.

Anyway, I’ve said increasingly offensive things via Twitter about the big oil spill and feel a need to confess them.

Lost fans, this was really for you and not about the oil problems so much:

Why don’t they just build a hatch over the oil pipe and put a charming Scottish guy inside it.
12:32 PM May 26th via Twitter for Android

Next I was watching TV on the internet and the President came on my screen to have some responsibility.

It’d be cool if during his press conference Obama was standing in front of a banner for Prince of Persia.
about 24 hours ago via TweetDeck

This next one was just thinking outside the box in a way that was helpful, since “let’s drop cement on the pipe” hasn’t been working.

This may sound naive but why can’t they freeze the whole gulf, chip out all the oil, and then melt all the leftover ice.
about 14 hours ago via web

This last one was in text based on someone telling me that the previous one made them laugh:

I don’t even see what the problem is – there’s plenty of oil for everyone now and it’s right there to go take.

I use Twitter on all those different platforms, which is pretty exciting to be able to do.

How bad of a person am I for making fun of pretend Prince of Persia marketing strategies.

This is what I asked everyone I saw yesterday at the store.

Even when I would see two people together, I’d ask one person, and then ask the person they were with the same thing.

One time, both people answered, and I looked at them in [...]]]> “Hey, what time is it where you are?”

This is what I asked everyone I saw yesterday at the store.

Even when I would see two people together, I’d ask one person, and then ask the person they were with the same thing.

One time, both people answered, and I looked at them in a confused manner, checked the time on my phone, and then removed the confusion from my face.

I showed them the phone, which was set to a different time zone than theirs.

It was a double paradox confusion – not only did it appear we were in different time zones, but there was still no reason for me to ask both of them.

When this all happened, I was seeing Clash of Some Titans, so I wasn’t even in a store at all, but a movie theater.

This is why the couple was confused, and I convinced them the time had changed during the movie, and they better get with some daylight savings.

I wrote this (including picture) in exactly 3:57, proving that anyone has time to keep their blog updated.

That’s actually a really good idea for a blog – like fourminuteblog.com or something. I hate my brain, ugh.

Calvin Stadiums is continually pitching himself as their new spokesperson.

I often get asked how or what to write a blog about, whether it be overall or for a particular post.

My advice is usually something like, “I dunno – just like [...]]]> Go over to Reese’s Facebook Page if you’re bored.

Calvin Stadiums is continually pitching himself as their new spokesperson.

I often get asked how or what to write a blog about, whether it be overall or for a particular post.

My advice is usually something like, “I dunno – just like write whatever comes into your head and then put it on the blog.”

For example:

‎​I don’t remember what it’s called but like he is in one prison and she is in a different one and like they try to fall out of love because of their long-distance prison romance but they keep sending each other letters about how they’s going to go get ice cream together one day but like the wardens find out and it turns out the warden has bone cancer so he needs to do a spine fluid thing on both of them or something. There’s a prison doctor who tells him how to do it but I don’t remember how it ends.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

See?

That’s a post.

Would you see this movie if it starred Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in 1991.