Go over to Reese’s Facebook Page if you’re bored.

Calvin Stadiums is continually pitching himself as their new spokesperson.

I often get asked how or what to write a blog about, whether it be overall or for a particular post.

My advice is usually something like, “I dunno – just like write whatever comes into your head and then put it on the blog.”

For example:

‎​I don’t remember what it’s called but like he is in one prison and she is in a different one and like they try to fall out of love because of their long-distance prison romance but they keep sending each other letters about how they’s going to go get ice cream together one day but like the wardens find out and it turns out the warden has bone cancer so he needs to do a spine fluid thing on both of them or something. There’s a prison doctor who tells him how to do it but I don’t remember how it ends.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

See?

That’s a post.

Would you see this movie if it starred Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in 1991.

So at the end of this post, there’s an embed for Chapter 1 of the broadband motion picture, Who Shot Mamba?.

Before we get there…

1) This Prelude to a Who Shot Mamba? ebook tells the entire history of the project. From blog, to 5-minute short, to full-length feature film – all in just over 3.5 years! It’s a quick 25-page read, and it’s free and fun.

2) Join the Facebook page – there are screengrabs, cast photos, and hopefully discussions that say things like, “I like this. You people did a good job. Also, you appear deceptively muscular to me.”

3) On the WSM? homepage, you can find links to all of our social networking stuff, and other business of note, including the full release schedule. Basically, we’re weekly for nine weeks, excluding two around X-Mas – we may run some deleted scenes or other fun stuff during that time.

Ummm…thanks to everyone who worked on this, and all of you who stuck with it through its tumultuous birthing process via my old site YAYsports! NBA…here it is. Smiley face.

On a scale of 1-10, how is my important actoring.

So Who Shot Mamba? – our self-dubbed “broadband motion picture” – starts running tomorrow.

The most oft-asked question about it – is it a movie or a web series? The answer is simple – it’s both. It’s a stand-alone feature film crafted specifically to work as a web serial.

As such, instead of a self-congratulatory post about WSM? finally coming out, I’d like to explain my rationale behind why it’s been done like this, as opposed to just making an indie film, or just making a web series.

For the sake of this discussion, let’s eliminate two kinds of indie films:

1) $30M indie films backed by Peter Jackson, i.e. District 9. That’s not to take a away from what District 9 has done, it’s just that it was never not getting theatrical distribution of some kind.

2) The outliers like Paranormal Activity – if you’re planning your marketing and ambitions on a “but Paranormal Activity did it…” I admire your ambition, but I’d also like to stay in a more general area of discussion. (I really mean “realistic”, but I don’t want to be a dream-killer.)

This boils down to is a discussion about technology and the future, with a touch of marketing. To do that, we start with today.

You’ve got your forms of content:

1) Feature Films
2) TV Series
3) Web Series

Then your distribution:

1) Theatrical
2) Network & Cable Television
3) Web Streaming (Including mobile.)
4) Web Downloads
5) Web Rentals
6) DVD
7) DVD rentals

Here’s where I think we could be in +/- five years. Maybe not fully established, but enough that society is accepting the paradigm:

Content:

1) Feature Films
2) Series – Long Form
3) Series – Short Form

There it is – some will be studio backed, some brand backed, and some independent. I don’t think there will be a difference between a “web series” and a “TV show”.

They’re all gonna be coming through the same channels, whether it be YouTube, Hulu, iTunes, or NBC-Comcast.net or whatever. This isn’t crazy – WSM? will be on your Tivo system – this stuff is already happening.

There are movies with well-known talent hitting onDemand before small theatrical runs. Look at Friday Night Lights and DirectTV. Let’s take a break and advertise the movie.

Mesmerizing.

So…future distribution:

1) Theatrical
2) Digital Streaming
3) Digital Download
4) Digital Rental

Don’t be surprised to see cable/satellite overhauled completely – think about your cable bill, and how many of the shows/channels you don’t watch. What if instead, you paid a buck for every show you actually wanted to see?

Do the math – see what your bill comes out to. Just something to think about.

(And yes, I think DVD will be gone that fast, or at least fully recognized as on the way out – the new lines of HDTVs are all web-capable, have Netflix installed, etc. It took VHS about 8 years to full extinction upon the advent of DVD – with the accelerated rate of tech advancement, DVD could die that much faster. This, especially when you factor in affordability – technology usually gets cheaper as it gets better.)

Okay, so let’s come back WSM?. Looking at the second set of distribution options, factoring in the tough state of indie film sales and distribution, what’s one to do with their independent film?

Breaking that down, there’s basically three things you want out of your indie film:

1) Profit for your investors and yourself.
2) Exposure and the new opportunities that it may bring.
3) Artistic fulfillment.

Number three you’re gonna get just from making it, unless you’re the internally-tortured type like myself. Good work.

The first one is an extreme long-shot if you’re aiming for a theatrical release. It just is – read up on the market. It’s beyond a long-shot, especially if you’re a hardcore indie, i.e. no big names or anything.

Number two however…readily available now, and even moreso in my hypothetical future.

What happens and how well it works is up to you and your marketing. (Go talk to @filmutopia on his blog about that.)

The point for me is that looking at the project I wanted to do, even in this pre-future, it made way more sense to tailor it to the web. It’s a cult-type of film that will find its cult way easier this way.

Rather than wait/hope/pray for some kind of gift from the theatrical or cable gods, we’ve got 2,000+ people devoted to watching it when it debuts tomorrow. Not a massive number, but for a web-streaming production with no big names that hasn’t even come out, that’s not too bad.

It beats sitting around waiting to get rejection letters from festivals. Will we make money on downloads/DVD/merchandise or get the exposure to do bigger and better things? Remains to be seen.

In the future, I believe that a vast majority of indie films will go this route, and they won’t need to serialize to do so. (That said, serialization is an interesting narrative choice to make – WSM? was written with – and I believe the quirkiness of the material lends itself to – its mini-cliffhangers.)

Obviously the technology development and adoption needs to be completed first. This is already possible to some extent if you can get your indie on Netflix.

After that, there’s a certain mind-set shift that has to occur among filmmakers – like it’s okay not to be in a theater. It’s no secret it’s quickly becoming the realm of the blockbusters and nothing else. I’m certainly okay with that – if there’s an audience, they pay, and they’re happy, I won’t complain.*

*All that under the disclaimer that those $200M exploding-stuff movies are the exact ones I want to make.

What do you think? Unload your thoughts at me.

WEB SERIES NOTE: I see a lot of talk from established people in the space like Yuri Baranovsky talking about “saving the web series” or “raising the bar” for web series.

What I’m saying is that “save the web series” isn’t a concept that’s gonna happen – the web series as it is today will be a historical footnote of a transitional period, much like the film serial.

You’ll be able to watch Who Shot Mamba? on our YouTube channel and our Facebook Page. Also, DVD, iTunes, Tivo. More on that soon.

If you really want to read about the entire history of this production, there’s a free eBook I wrote right here – foreword by the esteemed director, Dustin Pearlman. Lots of screenshots and stories in there, as well.

Umm…if you missed the Colorado Balloon Crisis…I don’t know what to tell you.

At the start of the movie, Falcon Heene is a little boy and it says “OCTOBER 2001″ in exciting writing on the movie screen, and the audience is all high-fiving and doing cool fist-pumps together about the creative liberties they’re already seeing happen.

Well, Falcon is hanging out with his family at a secret government place with Falcon’s dad, who is Bruce Willis, and Bruce is testing his important new excitement balloon for his government boss, and that boss is a Senator, and he is Keanu.

Bruce thought it would be a nice activity to have the whole family test the balloon together, and so Falcon goes in the balloon so they can do that, and the balloon crashes into a lake, and the lake starts on fire, and that’s because the lake was filled with gasoline.

Everyone but Falcon and Bruce dies, and Keanu waves his finger like “no-no-no”, and that means no more balloon experiments for Bruce, and also Falcon does some crying about his dead Mommy.

So then like it says “OCTOBER 2009″ and Falcon is graduating from high school, and now he is Shia LeBeouf, and he is always bitter at the world, and especially at Bruce.

This is because Bruce went on Wife Swapper and swapped some money to get Falcon a new Mommy, and that Mommy is Eva Mendez. After Falcon’s graduation party, Bruce and Falcon are cleaning up, and they yell at each other about who is a man now and who is not, and that’s the meme.

The yelling stops when they hear important cars drive through the front of the house, and they go to the living room to see who would do that, and the important cars are Keanu’s, and that’s because Keanu is the President now.

Eva wears booty shorts.

Keanu’s men grab Bruce and Falcon and Eva and take them to a secret lab to work on a new balloon that can save everyone, and Falcon is wondering what everyone needs to be saved from. Keanu won’t say, and then he gives Falcon some kettle corn and sends him to watch Dancing With Some Stars, and that’s another way to make Falcon feel like he is not a man.

Well Falcon sneaks around and finds out the plan, and he is like, “No-no-no-no-no-no-no!” because Keanu is making Bruce build a new balloon just like his old one, and Keanu will use that to crash the balloon into Lake Denver, which Keanu’s men are filling up with gasoline.

Falcon uses a Google Wave trick to make everyone think they’re in virtual reality, and when they are confused he steals the balloon and launches it, and he is in it when it does the launching.

Keanu is mad now, because Falcon also called the paparazzi, and they are making the online internet go crazy about this wild balloon kid.

Keanu puts guns in Bruce’s face, and so Bruce calls Falcon and tries to tell him how to drive the balloon, but Falcon is all like, “Oh now you think you’re a good dad, well let me tell you a thing or two about your booty wife.”

Then Keanu brings up a viral video on Falcon’s screen, and it’s of Keanu’s men pouring soda all over Eva, and also teasing her with chainsaws and calling her names that are not nice.

Keanu says that if Falcon doesn’t crash into Lake Denver, that they will keep doing that, and also they will start doing it to Bruce, and then Keanu will cancel Lost when there are only two episodes left to go.

Falcon swallows real hard and that’s like time for a montage, and now the internet is really loving on Falcon hard, and the montage goes on for an hour.

When it’s over, Falcon is like, “No-no-no-no-no-no!!” because he is about to crash, and he asks Keanu to explain why he wants to kill Lake Denver so bad, and that’s because Falcon wants to at least have solid reasoning behind his exciting balloon death.

Keanu says he hates lakes, and that’s when everything starts to go crazy on the computer screens, and the balloon crashes into Lake Denver, and that’s in 3-D.

The paparazzi is so excited to have a dead kid to talk about finally, and like there’s a man running out there so he can be the guy to pull out the body, but he falls down, and the internet likes that one a lot.

Everyone takes their shovels and pops the balloon, but all that’s in there is some kettle corn. They are all like “wtf” at not getting to be famous heroes on TV, and the paparazzi shows everyone that on their touchscreens.

Back at the secret lab, Keanu isn’t sure what’s happening, and we know this because he is screaming that he isn’t sure what’s happening.

That’s when Falcon jumps down from the attic, and it turns out Balloon-Falcon was just virtual reality. Real-Falcon says he was doing a trick so Keanu would admit his evil plan, and maybe people won’t vote for him again.

They have a fistfight, and Falcon wins the fight, and Bruce admits he’s a man, and gives him beer and a passport. Also, Bruce gets diabetes at this part, so they go to the hospital, and Eva meets them there.

Falcon starts throwing up for the paparazzi, and so he touches Eva’s booty and him and Bruce like wink at each other for their cool way they figured out to be on TV, and that’s the twist, but nobody cares because for sure Falcon will have more adventures.

(Blog Tour stalled yesterday a bit – I wrote a Laker preview for Heels On Hardwood, but it goes up today. I’m http://www.waitingfornextyear.com/“>also at WFNY talking Cavaliers a bit.)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about those Redbox DVD-rental vending machines, and what the inside of one looks like, and like how all the movies know how to come out, and like where they go when you put them back in, and pretty much the entire process of getting a DVD from a RedBox.

I mentioned this on Twitter – here was one thread of response.

JoannePistonFan @brianspaeth Is redbox that thing inside the grocery store?

brianspaeth @JoannePistonFan Yeah movies live inside there and you push the button to tell them to come out. Also you do that with money.

So like to solve this, I went ahead and tried to get Wolverine Begins at three different RedBoxes – all three were out of it.

The problem is, it took me a while to determine they didn’t have it. One, I just assumed part of the whole RedBox gag was that they always have everything.

Two, it never actually told me that it didn’t have Wolverine Begins – no “sold out” or anything – it just like takes it out of the menu options.

So like a stupid person, instead of waiting for maybe the next week, I just bought it for $20. This, a movie I really didn’t want to see.

Not only that, but I didn’t even go to Wal-Mart – it was at the grocery store check-out line, and if you’ve read me for any length of time, you know POP (Point Of Purchase) items are my personal money extraction drugs.

Also, this all happened like two months ago, before Wolverine Begins was out on DVD. Do you think RedBox likes it when I refer to their business as a “gag”. wtf

(Today I’ve done my hardcore guest-posting over at Both Teams Played Hard, owned and operated by one Jared Wade, or @BothTeamPlayed on Twitter. The topic is the logo of the Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers.)

You may remember some time back when I had something called Vegetable Trivia Game – it was an intricate system by which I was ranking every movie I’d ever seen, from best to worst.

Since I last touched VTG in December, this website called FlickChart launched, and they’ve developed some kind of like nerd stuff that lets the internet figure all this out for you.

It serves up two movies, you pick the one you like better, and it like pops it into some kind of online internet computer, and then like the internet puts it on your list, and after that’s finished, you can look at the list.

It’s fun and addictive and easy, although the one drawback is that it takes awhile for what you might call your “true rankings” to emerge. Here are my current rankings, and I’ll lay out a comparison of the two systems below:

Vegetable Trivia Game/FlickChart

1) Back to the Future/Die Hard
2) Die Hard/Jurassic Park
3) Fight Club/True Lies
4) The Dark Knight/Unbreakable
5) The Empire Strikes Back/Goodfellas
6) Rocky/Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
7) The Matrix/Speed
8) Star Wars/The Big Lebowski
9) Superman: The Movie/Rocky
10) Terminator 2: Judgment Day/There Will Be Blood

They have ways to filter – like you can choose to just pair up your top 20/50/100 for awhile, but until like specifically “Back to the Future vs Die Hard” comes up, my real #1 won’t be there, and Goodfellas at #5 is like really weird – I don’t know if that’s even top 30 for me.

It seems like every other match-up begins with “Starship Troopers vs – ” lately.

Have you used FlickChart. Also, what’s the most scared you’ve ever been in your life, and do you wish I had been there at all -

(Don’t forget the 1st WSM? teaser-trailer is live and happening at the Facebook Page, and also like there in this sidebar, but it’s admittedly low-res.)
Trailer

(WHO SHOT MAMBA? is a full-length feature film I’m heavily involved with – click here for more info on this site, and here for the IMDB page.)

So WSM? is coming online in the fall – 10/13 to be exact…unless that gets bumped to 11/10, which I’m hoping it does. In either case, it’ll be split (very organically, because it was made to be) into 9 parts.

The company we’ve licensed it to will be doing all their various promo and press stuff, but I want to do everything I can to help. As you can well-on guess, social networking will play a big part in that.

Anyway, I’m gonna lay out my plan as I see it today – the things I’ll be spending time on to build a large network/platform. Then we have all kinds of fun things happen over the course of the run that generates talk, links, etc – ultimately leading people to the film.

What’s outlined below is the construction of said network.

WSM? BLOG
There will be a blog for WSM?, and I’m 99% sure it’ll be just be redirected to this one. There’s no doubt I’d write it if it was on the WSM? site, and also little doubt I’ll be writing about WSM? here when it comes out. I see little use in splitting my efforts, unless someone else from the production came on to write the WSM? blog, which I don’t see happening, because I’m a control freak. Something may strike me yet.

PRELUDE TO A MAMBA: How to Destroy Your NBA Blog by Turning it into a Movie
This is an e-book I’m working on that gathers all the pertinent source material from YAYsports! NBA, and explains how it worked its way into, or out of, the movie itself. Think of it almost like one of those “art of…” books they do, along with a loose narrative of how the movie helped destroy the blog.

This will be super-fun for fans of the old site, and also super-fun for people who have never heard of the old site. For nobody will it not be super-fun.

MYSPACE
I’m gonna have to do a page for WSM?. I hate MySpace, and I know it’s shrinking, but it’s still a major force, especially in the video world – plus it skews young/teen, which WSM? does, also. To me, this one is just a numbers game anymore, so it is what it is.

FACEBOOK
Facebook is in the midst of a major overhaul into Twitter 2, so this is somewhat up in the air until I see how it lives and breathes over the next few weeks. My thoughts as of today: over the couple years I’ve been there, I’ve joined Fan Pages for a bunch of stuff, and never did anything with any of them. (Except that time I posted on the “Drywall Fans” board.)

My best guess is there’s a page for the film, via Calvin Stadiums, a pro basketball player character from the film. There will be some ongoing exclusive content involved to encourage joining/following. Again, I need to see how Facebook shakes itself out here. Here is a Calvin Stadiums commercial that was made as part of the movie:

TWITTER
Here’s a rundown of all possibilities:

@brianspaeth – This is my feed, and obviously it’s probably the best one for promoting the movie once it’s time to do that. That said, I don’t want to turn into a spam fountain, because it’s a crappy thing to do to your friends/network. My feed is my personality, and I enjoy using it how I do now, which is primarily to talk to people about “whatever”.

This leaves a few other options – feeds for characters from the movie. I don’t particularly like when films do this, and like it’s the actor’s picture, but you know it’s some intern. Since WSM? has some eclectically cartoonish characters, I’m toying with these at the moment:

@OrangeRoundie – “Careful…everyone on Earth…carrrrrrefullll…” After playing with this for a few days, I think he may just follow @NBA and @DwightHoward and harass them to no end regarding his one-way rivalry with David Stern.

@Inflatable Ben – “Girl, you know Ben wanna hug-n-kiss you…oh yeah!” Ben would just hit on every booty babe he sees, with that touch of charming innocence he does so well.

As long as the accounts provide actual entertainment value and aren’t spam machines, then they’re worth doing. I also have @whoshotmamba, but unless I can find an actual person who wants to run it as a person, then I can’t see using it. I just don’t believe in the “gather maximum followers and spam all day” theory for Twitter.

In support/conjunction with these efforts will be 2 Teaser Trailers, 1 Full Trailer, 3 Scene Clips, and the 3 Calvin Stadiums commercials. There’s also the release of the WSM? score, and the two original songs, The Crepes are in the Oven and Girl, You So Pretty.

So…there’s plenty to have fun with and promo through these channels. I’d love to know your thoughts – from a “selling a film” context, the angle of social media use, and from those of you who have seen the movie and know the source material well.

If any of you social media fiends think you’d want to get involved, there are rewards/perks/credits we can surely work out. I’d love to have some Official Roundie Henchmen out there as ambassadors. Thanks for any feedback or thoughts/suggestions you may have -

(You can find out more info about Who Shot Mamba? on IMDB.)

UPDATE: I’m in surgery Friday morning, so there will likely be no post. While I’m gone, please give me your best @jerryricetwo impression about anything.

(My Shaq-to-Cavs thoughts are the first comment.)

My favorite person on Twitter, @jerryricetwo, went and saw Transformers 2 what seems to be at least 14 times yesterday, and I’ve reprinted some of his his Tweets/thoughts here.

@anguaa I BEEN AT GOBOTS 2 ALL DAY!!! LOL!!! mah tummy hurt from all dese popcorns

SHIA GO TO BOOTY COLLEGE!! LOL!!! DAT BOOTY GOBOT DOPE!!!! wanna do kissin on dat gobot

THEM GHETTO GOBOTS TRANFORM INTO BABY DADDIES?!?! WHAAAAAAAAATTT???? goin see dis again

@CraigSharp GOBOTS 2 DA BOMB!!!! LOL!!! word up bro

@cjrider HEY BRO WHERE DAT DELETED SCENE WHERE GHETTO BOTS PLAY HOOPS?!?! LOL!!! on blueray word up

@trilby_dare YO YOU WANT TO GO ON DAT KISSING DATE WIT ME

LOL!!!! brb

DEM GHETTO-BOTS DA BOOOOOMB!!! DONT GIVE DEM NO BOOKS!!! LOL!!!

KING KONG AINT GOT NOTHIN ON OPTIMUS!!!! LOL!!!! go shia get dat booty babe omg lookit DAT BOOTY smh

@cascandar YO YOU WANT TO GO ON A ICE CREAM DATE WIT ME

OMG NOW SHIA AND BOOTY BABE IN TROUBLE – GOBOTS IS MAAAAAD!!!! move yo bootys!!!! LOL!!! best movie

NOW MORE GOBOTS?!?!? LIKE FIDDY GOBOTS IN DIS MOVIE!!!!! LOL!!! denzel lovin it too

@cascandar GIMME DAT SLUSHIE IN A CUP!!! LOL!!!

SHIA LOOK OUT LOL!!!!! omg more gobots comin?????? LOL!!!!!

@19jms CHAD AINT GOT NOTHIN ON SHIA AND DEM GOBOTS!!! dis da best movie wtf

@alexiskn GIRL DIS MOVIE SOO GOOD!!! ALL DEM GOBOTS GOIN CRAZY ON DIS BOOTY BABE!!!! LOL!!! goin get mo popcorns brb

SHIA LIKE DAAAAM GOBOTS I GOIN TO CLASS NOW STEP OFF!! LOL!!! so good

@DrewGooden YO WHERE DAT MOHAWK GO??!? GIMME BACK MAH CELLY!!! missin yo birfday

I like everything he says here, although I have no idea if I agree with any of it with regard to the movie. There were lots of attractive girls at Shia’s college – that’s like so true.

Did you see Transformers 2? What do you think about Shaq-to-Cavs? Would you go on an “ice cream date” with me if asked?

(Do a nice thing for yourself and check out the first 55 pages of my book, Prelude to a Super Airplane for free by clicking here. WORD UP.)
(Follow me on Twitter here.)

(This is the third part of my summary for a proposed big-budget reboot of Saved by the Bell, titled Saved by the Bell Begins. Casting and excessive rationale is here. And Part 1 is here. And then Part 2 is here. Read all those before you move forward.)

Lisa explains that all the things that have been happening are not coincidences, and that they need to be careful, and not to go to Valley City. Then she does a wink-and-click, and Zack is all like “Whoa, you were in the booty babe jury!” and she does another wink-and-click, but the click sound is in stereo this time, because Lisa can throw her voice. Slater does a click too, but nobody listens, because Artie was in his mouth.

Zack has on big high-tops.

Everyone gets in Mr. Belding’s spy airplane and heads to Valley City, where Zack and Kelly and Slater and Jessie put on tricky disguises and look for the bronchitis containers in an abandoned mall that’s full of holographic-mannequins. It’s scary, so a lot of almost-kissing happens between Zack and Kelly, and then between Slater and Jessie, and then between Zack and Slater. After shutting down the mannequins, they find the silos, and see the bronchitis swirling and bubbling inside, and then notice huge holes all over the ground. Zack and Kelly do some action spelunking, and follow the hole all the way down to a tunnel, and then the tunnel goes to an upside-down hole, so they follow that up, and come out in Bayside City!

That’s not all, because Keanu and his men are there, and they’re trapped, until Slater shows up in his hot muscle car, and he’s wearing a pink tank top. They get in, and there’s a big car chase, and Jessie is not so excited at all because she forgot her pills, and now she’s so scared instead, and she tells Zack this so that the audience can cheer some more about their childhoods.

After a big crash with 426 other cars, Zack gets away, but Slater and Kelly and Jessie get captured, and as they’re dragged away, Slater is like, “Heeeeelllllppppppp ussssssss, Prepppppiiieee…” and that’s in slow motion because Zack is having internal conflict, and because it’s raining.

Zack goes back to Mr. Belding’s spy airplane, and it’s all shut down because he’s getting indicted for doing date rape on Miss Bliss, and that’s because Keanu used his President powers to make everyone think that about Mr. B.

Screech invites Zack for a sleepover, and they talk about how hard it is to be having life issues, and Zack breaks an Elvis statue because of how mad he is, and some documents fall out of Zack’s pocket, and these were documents he picked up at the mall for no reason. Screech thinks maybe they were important after all, because they have big words like “IMPORTANT” and “HANDS OFF” on them in Keanu’s handwriting. Screech reads them with help from his robot Kevin, and they say that Keanu’s plan is to kill everyone in Bayside City with the underground bronchitis, and then auction off the land to Portuguese gangsters from Valley City for big money.

Well, Zack is pretty upset about the Portuguese bad guys maybe taking ownership of his condo, and he decides to give up, because his life was simpler when it was just about making money and delivering morally questionable arguments and action-packed evidence on behalf of his celebrity clients. That’s when Screech gets electrocuted by Kevin, and that’s because Keanu put a lightning virus in him, and also Kevin has on a Darth Vader costume when he does this. Keanu’s men take Screech hostage and make him go and be a prisoner with Slater, Jessie, Kelly, and Lisa.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Tomorrow is the stunning conclusion.

Go read my free movie book Brad Radby’s Brad Radby for more of this type of action and follow me on Twitter here, where I randomly ask people to call and sing to me during the day. Yesterday brought a stirring rendition of “Eye of the Tiger: from @StacyHead.)

(This is the summary for my proposed big-budget reboot of Saved by the Bell, titled Saved by the Bell Begins. If you missed the intro, including casting and excessive rationale, you can find it here, and then Part 1 is here. You should probably read that first.)

Zack is thinking like he better help fix this, because that’s what his job is as an action lawyer who loves money so much more than people. He almost gets too excited about making so much hardcore money, so Zack stops the movie and says something charming to the audience about what he’s going to do next, and there’s a finger-snap-and-point that he does, to make sure everyone knows that Zack is serious about making that money and getting a bigger beach condo.

When Zack lets the movie start again, Mr. Belding sends him and Slater and Kelly to a hot dancing club called The Max, so they can meet up with the spy scientist that is helping them find out secrets about Keanu’s bad guy plans, and the spy scientist is Jessie Spano. During some cool and trendy dancing and more love triangling, they find Jessie, and Zack is mad because he realizes she’s the one who shot a bazooka at his shoulder when he was on the water-blimp.

That’s when Zack starts to know how serious this is, because he remembers seeing all the big silos of bronchitis on the water-blimp, and he gives those clues to Jessie to work on all night, and she plans to take lots of over-the-counter stay-awake pills to be able to do that, and she’s so excited about it. Because his dancing is too great and slick, Slater gets in a pushing match with the rival football players from Valley City, so that’s a fist-fight to have at this part of the movie. Zack and Slater are both trying to impress Kelly with their good punching they can do, but she knows sexy mini-skirt karate, and she can vote in all the same elections they can, also.

When they get done doing all the fighting, Keanu’s secret service men arrest Zack and Slater, and take them to the first nuclear oil rig field, so Keanu can give them a speech about not messing with his cool and important fossil fuel-based plans. Then the first bit of nuclear oil comes out, and Keanu tastes it, and it’s the good stuff for sure, and that’s another meme. He gets ominous about telling them to stop asking so many questions, and then tells his government fashion nurse, who is Lisa Turtle, to fix them up and then let them go, so that his men can capture them and beat them up again, and she’s supposed to have this go on for a week.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Wow. Part 3 tomorrow – if you found this to be a thing that you liked, you should go read my movie book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, which is online over here and costs you nothing. Keanu has won like six Presidential elections in there, as well. Also follow me on Twitter, because that’s a meme also.)

(This is the summary for my proposed big-budget reboot of Saved by the Bell, titled Saved by the Bell Begins. If you missed the intro, including casting and excessive rationale, you can find it here.)

At the start of the movie, Zack Morris is finishing an action lawyer case for his star actoring client, who is Johnny Dakota, and that means Zack has to save Johnny from the marijuana terrorists’ rocket-powered water-blimp, and get him back to court in time to do a wink-and-click at the booty babes in the jury and win the trophy from the judge.

Zack does all of these things and captures the bad guys, because that means big money and celebrity-lawyer-based fame. Johnny wants to give him pot doobies, but instead Zack just takes sideline-access tickets to the Bayside City Tigers championship football game, where AC Slater is the star quarterback, and on the side he is a pro wrestler and a baseball player and a basketball star and has a pet chameleon named Artie that he keeps in his helmet, and Artie reminds him of the trick plays he can run to be a superstar and win the big game. Johnny is being famous and rings the Bayside City History Tradition Bell to start the game, and while that’s happening, Zack and Slater are having a new rivalry and doing double-flirting with a cheerleader, and she is Kelly Kapowski, and that’s a triple-word-score love triangle.

That’s when they announce the Presidential election results, and Rod Belding wins, and he is Keanu Reeves. Everyone is really excited because now Keanu will do his Special President Promise to install nuclear oil rigs all over Bayside City, and that means the people can get all the nuclear oil out of their part of the planet, and everyone will be rich when Keanu sells it to the gas stations for them.

Zack and Slater are doing their new snap-fingers handshake and being sorta-best-friends, when President Belding’s big brother Richard, who is Mr. Belding, who is Kevin Costner, is like, “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE…?” and he takes everyone to his special airplane, where his spy assistant Miss Bliss, who is Claire Forlani, and his spy nerd, who is Screech Powers, tells them that the nuclear oil is only a cover for Keanu’s real plan, and that the real plan is much worse, and they’re sure of this because they don’t even know what that plan is, and that’s the logic meme for this part of the movie.

Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Oy! Part 2 tomorrow – if you found this enjoyable, you may want to check out my movie book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, which is online totally for free. Keanu is up to no good over there, as well. Also follow me on Twitter if you like things.)

A couple points of interest before you read the greatest thing ever written for people raised in the 80s and 90s.

1) This is envisioned as a feature film – like a big, $150M summer tent-pole.

2) Don’t be fooled by the fact that the cast is primarily the original cast. It’s a complete reboot, not a continuation. Think Batman Begins – nothing from the TV show “counts”.

3) If this was done how I’ve laid it out – like an over-the-top, ridiculous Michael Bay style action movie – I challenge you to admit you wouldn’t see it. I’d venture to say a lot of you would pay $50 a ticket and see it at least ten times, just like I would.

4) Everything would be played totally and completely 100% straight. No winks-and-nods to the audience, except the one time that there’s a literal wink-and-nod.

With those parameters – and links to all four parts of the summary are below – I give you…

LOGLINE
When President Rod Belding schemes to install nuclear oil rigs across Bayside City, his brother Richard forms a team of elite specialists to save everyone…by the bell.

CAST
Mark-Paul Gosselaar…Zack Morris
Mario Lopez…AC Slater
Tiffani Thiessen…Kelly Kapowski
Elizabeth Berkley…Jessie Spano
Lark Voorhies…Lisa Turtle
Dustin Diamond…Samuel “Screech” Powers
Hilary Swank…Tori Scott
Claire Forlani…Miss Bliss
TBD…Johnny Dakota
Kevin Costner…Mr. Belding
Keanu Reeves…President Rod Belding

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(If you like what you’re seeing, you should really go check out my free book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby – there’s a little something called Perfect Strangers Begins in there.)

(In the picture below, @alexiskn shows the first and second best uses for my book – as a placeholder for real books, and as the Tobey Maguire to her Joan Allen home.** You can see that it’s already infected that sad-face copy of Lord of the Flies.)

I was on IMDB looking up information on Robert Downey Jr, and came across 2006’s The Shaggy Dog. From the message board:

I saw this movie about six months ago on a field trip. The only reason that I chose this movie was that I only had four options. There was this girl from my group that was laughing every five minutes. Clearly she has no taste. Anyway, did Tim Allen have to be naked? I mean, what is so wrong with a dog with clothes on?

Someone follows up by pointing out that dogs don’t wear clothes. It turns into a heated discussion about who’s more stupid, and the scientific logic of a human turning into a dog in real life, and whether said dog would wear clothes or not.

This all brings me back to late 2004 or so, a time wherein I didn’t have a blog at all, and occasionally did background work in TV and movies.

You see, I spent about two weeks on The Shaggy Dog, and if you listen really closely, you might hear myself and some girl (as “Courtroom Gallery Members”) screaming, “OH F–K!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA GET AIDS!!! AAAHHHH!!!!!” when we were supposed to be “confused and a little surprised” regarding Tim Allen barking in the middle of court.

I’m not actually onscreen there as more than a shoulder, but I did make it in during the restaurant scene, when Kristin Davis is stood up by her naked dog husband. I’m the guy in the v-neck sweater fake-eating salmon. The twist is that I real-ate five plates of that stuff, and that’s because I was hungry.

I’m sure I have a ton of stories like this, but I’ve largely blocked out the +/-6 months I spent doing background actoring – it’s an awful way to spend time, although highly educational with regard to how sets work.

You can also meet lots of girls, and learn the delicate art of not committing suicide after spending a day around little kids who have better careers than you.

I’ll be at the doctor this afternoon, and will do my best to Tweet the entire thing, as mentioned the other day. First person to correctly guess what the appointment is for wins their own colorful and lifesaving copy of PTSA.

**Reading it is actually the tenth best utilization of the book.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here – it’s available in paperback, or iPhone/Kindle for only 1.99.)

I’m not a film reviewer by any means, and I think you know this. Generally I can’t go farther than “I liked that” or “here’s what I would’ve done” or “Bruce Willis = A+”.

As you also know, I’ve been connecting with a lot of other filmmakers on Twitter lately, and one of those is Reid Gershbein, who has put a couple films up online, one of which I checked it out over the weekend.

The title – Here, My Explosion… – is right there in my perfection zone, although I would’ve gone a different direction with it – something more like Brad Radby’s My Naughty Tornado.

This is an art film.

I don’t generally get into these kind of movies – I’m way too shallow and/or ADD – but this started off with an interesting high concept, so it kept me. Basically, when Sera, a really super pretty blond artist, drinks coffee, weird stuff happens. It’s somewhere in the area of telekinesis – I don’t know that it’s ever fully explained.

Somewhere along the line, people learn about themselves and other stuff happens. I’ll be interested to hear Reid’s take on his own work, and what he was going for – I’m guessing it’s open for interpretation. Here. My Explosion… is a little talky and meandering for me, but remember that you’re getting that opinion from someone who’s seen Bad Boys II 47 times.

The one definitive thing I can say is that the lead actress, Eleese Longino, was phenomenal. I don’t know if she’d worked with Reid before or if she’s just that good or what, but everything felt very natural and real, and her performance kept me engaged. The shooting style – something done on a Flip called tilt-shift – contributed to this, as well. It was all really organic, for lack of a better word.

If you’re into experimental films, I’d go take a look. (Kingsley – I’m looking at you.)

You can watch the film right here and Reid is over on Twitter here.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here – it’s available in paperback, or iPhone/Kindle for only 1.99.)

I’m not out to offend women in any way, but the cold hard fact is that I won’t ever go to American Apparel again.

Set aside that I’ve never been there before – just take in that ad to your right.

Take it in.

I know a pregnant woman is supposed to be the most beautiful thing on Earth, but seriously – if I had a wife who was wearing that, I’d have a hard time not laughing.

After I was done having my hard time not laughing, I’d get a divorce and spend ten years on the road with my high school friends, trying to forget.

Ten years later I’d return, and try to patch up the relationship with the kid. I’d know it was mine, because I’d show him/her the picture of my ex-wife in the American Apparel Pregnant Leotard (2009 Limited Edition), and they’d then go on their 10-year road trip.

The fact is, American Apparel is a bunch of hippies, and their ad about pregnant leotards means I’ll never have a family.

I’m going see Night at the Museum 2 instead of Terminator Salvation this weekend. I’ll see Terminator Salvation also, but I noticed that Bryce Dallas Howard is pregnant in it, and I have an intense fear she’s wearing post-apocalyptic maternity leotards from American Apparel.

I’m sure the guy in that Wendy’s commercial thinks this is the greatest outfit ever, but…yeah.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here – it’s available in paperback, or iPhone/Kindle for only 1.99.)

It’s not that I don’t think Wolverine be good, it’s just that as a ex-comic book junkie, I always felt what was cool about the character was his mysterious past.

A movie called X-Men Origins: Wolverine kinda kills that. However, I recently read the review at /film, and needed only three paragraphs to turn.

The opening scene kept me guessing as to how successful the film would ultimately be. It serves as a super-quick introduction to Logan’s rage and guilt, which are given as some kind of inner drive for him and visualised [sic] in the form of a howling motif we will see again and again.

I’m there – this is exactly what I wanted from it, yeah?

Swine Flu – I have it. It’s not that bad – I mean, it’s one of those “hurty” coughs, but like I can eat and exercise and everything. I’m sure it’ll pass.

Okay, here’s the real item on today’s agenda – one of my Twitter friends is a young lady who goes by the name of Miss Destructo. She’s cool, and funny, and more than anything, she loves Bruce’s Yams. (Her Twitter is here. Her blog is here.)

The company that makes this product – Bruce Food Company – has no social media presence, outside of Miss Destructo’s very organic and public love of them. With her permission, I went ahead and wrote a digital letter to the company, asking if they could please discuss hiring her to start jamming them on Twitter or Facebook or whichever social media thing will be big next week.

Here’s an excerpt – this is the part that made me laugh the most:

…and thus it is why I write you this day of yore.

Perhaps it is in our darkest hours, sirs, when the light may shine brightest? Perhaps the tempest of prophesy is upon us? To quote from Hamlet, if I may, sirs, and please excuse what mayhap, sirs, be construed as hyperbole:

“NAY, FATHER! NAY! NAY! NAY! WHAT DOST THOU DO!? NAY!”

The message then, sirs, is clear. Allow me to establish a quagmiric layout of procedural tempest with which one may assuage the binary methodologies, sirs, with which Miss Destructo may benefit your multi-state conglomorate of food supply business doings, sirs:

1) A three-pronged attack of social media, sirs, encompassing the following, including, but not limited to, sirs, the aforementioned Twitter, the venue by which I became associated with Miss Destructo in no less than three mannerisms. Tempest, again – you see this now, I assume.

2) Tempestual matters of this sort as shall be discussed, sirs, related to what we in the industry refer to as “Facebook Tempest” or “The Facebook Tempest”. A redux will perhaps be necessary, sirs, in the event of quakes of thine earth. Hurricanes known to be traditionally more dangerous amongst the smaller of the human race. Height, being an unqualified advantage in times of peril and yore.

Printed out, this digital letter is two pages in length. I’d pretty much pay anything to hear from whoever it is at Bruce’s Food Company who read it first, so if that’s you, please get in touch.

You can take up the cause for Miss Destructo by writing to info@brucefoodsla.com.

I’d suggest putting “GIVE MISS DESTRUCTO YO TWITTA” in the subject line, and then like anything short and sweet inside. I think my message laid out the tempest pretty well.

NOTE: We can add “yams” to that list of foods I’ve never actually had.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

I need to finally take the time to do a full analysis of this Wolverine movie poster.

I first saw this like a month ago, and it’s fascinated me ever since.

Not so much because of the abundance of bulging veins, but because I’m trying to determine how and why this scene/scenario could be in the movie.

Options:

1) He’s just escaped from some important thing, and is venting his victory angst.

This is certainly possible, but logic says this would’ve happened just outside the woods, instead of some arbitrary spot in the middle of the field.

There’s no delineation point in this field that says, “okay, now I got away for sure.”

2) He’s just killed someone of great importance, whether good or bad.

Accidentally killing a loved one or an important enemy are both things Wolverine would do, if he had to, but I see no dead bodies anywhere here.

When you kill someone important, you usually emit your angst right over the body – you don’t take a few steps away and do it.

3) He was just walking along, and decided to stop and scream at the sky.

Wolverine is one tortured individual, so this is the most likely case. I really hope this scene is in the movie, exactly in this context, and I hope it’s the first scene, and the second scene, and all the other scenes.

I can’t help but feel a little sorry for Allen Iverson.

At this point it’s become clear that what his career was always about – not being able to play well with others – is what is career actually was always about.

He’s having major sadness about it, and even though I like him, I’d love to see Cavs-Lasers in the first round, because I think all of their various issues would eventually result in the ultimate Sheed meltdown for all-time.

This whole thing where the Wolverine movie has leaked online isn’t that big a deal. I mean, it sucks and it’s wrong, and I’ll be similarly angry when I accidentally leak my movie online tomorrow, but I don’t see it having a huge effect on the box office.

Go read David Poland’s analysis – I think it’s correct.

What’s great is that no matter if it makes a ton of money or tanks, the leak with be credited with doing that.

They’ve got their “out” if it doesn’t perform, and then Wolverine stands in a field and screams. If it takes off, then it was so good, people went and saw it anyway, and Wolverine stands in a field and screams.

If it’s right in the middle, Hugh Jackman stands in a field and screams, but not as Wolverine. Nobody writes anything about it in this last scenario.

(Side note: I don’t think I’m genetically capable of having that many veins pop out of my arms, but I’m now determined to try. Originally this entire post was about that.)

Today’s Brad Radby movie is 1999’s Dr. Wall Street, with Ben Affleck, Al Pacino, Minnie Driver, and Bruce Willis.

One day at the businessman cigar club, Ben finds out his Minnie Driver is also Al’s secret wife, and that she’s from England. The double-crosses are happening everywhere, and it turns out Bruce is bad, and Al knows it, and Minnie knew also, even though she’s never met Bruce.

When Ben finds this last one out, he pulls the fire alarm and runs down the street in the rain, and he’s holding important files when he does this.

I ended up rewriting this one quite a bit, but in the end it came out pretty funny, probably because of the surfing thing in the credits. This was also the first of the book’s soon-to-be excessive and borderline offensive use of the term “The Big C”.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

So now Stephon Marbury is on Twitter, and I’d have to say that next to Shaq, he’s made the best use of it so far.

Just about everything he was saying last night was interaction with fans, as opposed to “tying my shoes, gonna play hard”.

In fact, he seemed to answer everyone’s questions except mine.

@StarburyMarbury Steph does anyone ever ask Ray Allen why he’ll only play for the teams that wear green?

I’m not going to link to him, because there now seems to be a concentrated (collusional?) effort to click all the links in any given post except the one I am clearly asking you to.

It’s April Fool’s Day, which is by far my least favorite holiday of the year, ie the day when everyone who isn’t funny tries to be funny. If you’re wondering if your hilarious prank is funny or not, it’s not.

I actually go out of my way to be dead serious on April 1st. Like today when I go to the gym, I’ll scream at the top of my lungs, “EVERYONE TO THE POOL!!!”

Here’s the thing – there’s no way everyone that’s in there will possibly be able to fit in the pool, so when the crowd rushes in, it’s just going to be really stressful, as everyone tries to find a spot to cram into.

Today’s Brad Radby movie is from 1999, and features Jim Carrey in the classic In Your Face!.

Then Jim gets way too much in peoples’ faces, and learns his lesson too much, so he goes back to the bowling alley and gives his magic attitude shoes back. He goes over and bowls a 300 game all on his own and wins it for the popular team, and then Courtney Cox kisses him.

I need a name for a minor character in my third book. Please tell me in the comments why I should use yours. It’s a tattoo artist – I’d like him or her to have something that doesn’t sound like they’re a tattoo artist at all.

Normally I use an online Random Name Generator when I’m stuck, but I feel like gifting someone with a small form of personal immortality today.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

Let’s note one thing – since some weeks ago, when I went off the grid and made an assertive effort to get over the DEC loss to Washington, the Cavaliers have not lost.

Now that they seem to have fixed their on-court problems, I’m back in November/December mode.

It’s hard not to be, because this team (as I said back then) is like watching the ‘95 Indians, and a lot of that is just because they seem to be having so much fun together.

Did I stick with them through an ugly patch? No…but it’s not like I went and cheered for another team. I think I just need to not watch the NBA in January from here forward.

(I’m also aware that stating a team that’s going to win 66-69 games had an “ugly patch” is inconsiderate to fans of say, the Lasers or Knicks.)

The 60 Minutes piece on LeBron was well-done if not Earth-shattering. I found far more entertainment in the piece before that one, where they talked about how lions are being poisoned in Kenya.

For some reason whenever they talked about poison I had laughing happen to me. It’s just that the way they used the word had me picturing people going out in the safari with big, generic looking bottles that had skulls and crossbones on them.

The narrator was always like:

And what are they using to kill these lions…?
(dramatic pause)
POISON.

Okay, so let’s start breaking down my second book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby (The Complete Filmography 1999-2023).

Radby and his first film The Exploders are pretty integral to the plot of Prelude to a Super Airplane, but this book is completely accessible whether you’ve read that or not.

It’s mainly his own summaries/analysis of all his films, which were primarily made between 1999 and 2013. He is best described as some combination of Brett Ratner, Michael Bay, and myself.

That said, the book is allegedly written in 2023, 10 years after the events of PTSA, so here and there you receive some nice hints into what happened after the 47-story Super Airplane left ground.

Let’s start with the HISTORICAL NOTE and FOREWORD.

In the spring of 1998, Brad Radby quietly directed his first movie, then titled The Exploders, and starring Bruce Willis, Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Diane Lane, Chris Rock, and Gene Hackman.

When it was finally released in May of 2013 as BRAD RADBY’S THE EXPLODERS, the film industry was changed forever. In the years between, Mr. Radby directed thirty-six other movies, before his alleged death aboard the famed Super Airplane in December of 2012.

Inside these pages, in his own words, Mr. Radby walks you through each of these films, giving valuable insights into the stories, and the stories behind the stories.

Therein, you will also finally learn how the massive typo on the cover of PTSA happened, what the first movie to ever win two straight Best Picture awards was, and how many people survived the Super Airplane ride.

(This seems almost futile, since the percentage of people who click through to my completely, 100% free book vs those who click through when I point out a good-looking girl on Twitter is amazingly off-balance in one direction.)

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)
(Read the entirety of my movie parody book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, completely for free.)