Brian's Thoughts About Airplanes » Money

My Sister is Worse With Money Than Me

Brian — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 11:41:56 +0000

After my admission of falling for a $150 Image Matrix IM-911 Scam, my mom hit me up on gchat.

I now realize the entire exercise may have been some kind of triangular form of performance art, with one of the angles being getting a reaction out of mom.

mom: Your blog post has left me speechless….

me: why do you use four periods what is wrong with you….
me: mom i really had a brain freeze
me: like i knew exactly what was happening the whole time

mom: Why didn’t you just get in your car and drive away?

me: i dunno they were really nice lol

mom: Crooks aren’t NICE! arggggg
mom: Next time you have $150 burning a hole in your pocket, send it to me!

me: I actually was going to put it in an envelope and mail it to you yesterday afternoon is the funny thing
me: the way i see it it was gone anyway
me: if it wasn’t a black market home theater it would’ve been a black market pair of jordans or a year’s supply of target advil off the black market

mom: What is wrong with you….

me: i love the black market lol

mom: Somewhere we went wrong with you two….Remember the time I found money in Kristen’s wastebasket at home? It had a bunch of crunched up money in it. She threw the bills away because they were WRINKLED!

me: do you still have those bills anywhere i want to spend them

In the end, it’s all fine. I got to have a nice chat with my Mom, made some new con-artist friends, and further reinforced that I can’t take care of myself yet.

Besides, when I get to make stuff like this, how can I possibly complain about my life.

My Image Matrix IM-911 Scam

Brian — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 15:05:42 +0000

(I hope the cadence of what follows isn’t too jarring – it’s the first time I haven’t written Christmas Bridge style on here in like a year.

Also, make sure to go watch the Whore of Akron skits I’ve been doing.)

At times I’m prone to extended brain freezes.

Let me explain a sequence of events that took place yesterday.

I returned something to a store and was given $150 cash, as opposed to crediting my debit card. I felt a tinge of panic, since carrying cash isn’t my common practice – I either spend it or lose it, often within hours. This particular wad made me nervous, but since I’m in Cleveland right now and there’s no Bank of America here, I was stuck with it.

I was offered alternative solutions to this by a friend, but I think I was having an internal pull/struggle where I wanted to spend/lose this money. I’d already gone to look at Roku players, even though between my TV and Blu-Ray player, I essentially have one already.

Anyway, I ended up in a grocery store parking lot, and these two guys pull up next to me in a pick-up truck. As has happened to me many times before in Los Angeles, they ask me if I’d like to buy a home theater sound system. You can see where this is going, but allow me to walk you through it.

The men – both mid-30s and relatively well-spoken – explained that they were in from Sandusky to deliver some gear, and had two extra set-ups. The vague story – which made no sense to me even as I heard it – was that these two extra ones were essentially phantom surpluses of some kind. Not inventoried or accounted for in any way. Their intent was to put some cash in their own pockets, since the systems didn’t really exist.

The entire scenario was ludicrous. They were really nice and I enjoy talking to people, so I thought I’d show some reciprocity and check out their goods. They popped the hard-top thing off the truck and showed me the line-up. As you can see in the picture, it looks decent enough, if somewhat cheap and generic.

(A simple Google search on the spot would’ve shown me the brand name is listed all over websites like “white van scams dot com” and the like.)

Some other points:

1) They showed me a Fed-Ex envelope, which I guess was supposed to be some kind of proof they were delivery guys or something? Even in the moment, I was looking at it thinking, “Why are they showing me a Fed-Ex envelope?”

2) I asked them if this was a scam and they said no. This makes me laugh so hard when I think about it now. lol

3) He took one of the wires and showed me that I could plug my phone into the home theater, and use the speakers as a phone. What? I’m thinking, “Why would I want to do that, even if that were possible, which it clearly isn’t with this equipment?”

This next one is the best, though.

4) Anyone who knows me is aware that I hate loud noise when it comes to music and TV, and I also have no ear for things like “clear sound” and such. Thus, I didn’t even want a home theater system. I used to have one, and it annoyed me in like 12 ways.

I don’t need the sound quality, and I’ve always hated little speakers all over the place. They equate to more surfaces that can gather dust and be unaligned, i.e. not at perfect right angles with everything else in the room.

You could offer me a $20,000 home theater for free, and unless it’s gonna be embedded in my walls and never turned on, I’d say no thanks.

And yet, I talked these guys down off their $300 ask to my $150 and headed home. (Do you like how I try to make myself seem like a real hard-liner here in my own right?)

Even as I drove away – before I became consciously aware of what I’d actually just done – I was certain I’d never even set this stuff up.

I don’t mind admitting any of this, because I find it totally hilarious, and I also gave both the guys my cards. They claimed to be readers, so perhaps if they actually check out my site and see this post, I sell some books and have a beer with them.

See, the one guy said that since he’d given me such a good deal, I owed him a beer. I’ll meet with both of them for sure – because I have so many questions about their business, and whether there are franchising opportunities, and why they hopped on me so definitively.

I want to know whether they thought I looked naive, or just friendly enough to go with this, or if they shout down everyone they can. I do think it’s the middle one, at least from my end. At no time did I think, “Wow, this is great. I can’t believe the deal I’m getting here.” It was much more, “These guys are so nice – who cares if they’re manipulative criminal con artists.”

In all seriousness, I’d love to do a documentary about you two, so please get in touch. For real – I’ll even give you your home theater stuff back.

The Day Dwyane Wade Said David

Brian — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 16:16:09 +0000

CHAPTER ONE

Dwyane Wade wasn’t certain what would come of his attendance of the 2011 NBA Players Union Meeting With David Stern, but he felt a raw, savage need to be there.

After all, he was one of the league’s most high-profile celebrity athletes, he was otherwise unoccupied, and he had been looking for a chance to show off his new puppy to LeBron James, his friend and teammate.

Teammate.

The word had such a complex dual meaning, and the was weighing on Dwyane’s sweating, muscular shoulders as he did his deluxe shoulder presses in his workout cottage, outside the pool house of his Miami mansion.

LeBron was his teammate in technical terms – they were on the same team, shared a uniform and a locker room, and – at least if what LeBron said was true – both wanted to win an NBA championship.

Was he a teammate in the labor dispute, though? Did LeBron really care if they didn’t play this season, or would it be a relief of sorts? Did Dwyane care? Did he really care? If he did, wouldn’t he be in New York, massaging the rock-hard shoulders of Union President Derek Fisher?

What kind of teammate was he to be attending to his own shoulders, and not Derek’s?

And what about David Stern’s shoulders? Weren’t he and Mr. Stern teammates too, albeit of a different sort?

Wasn’t the rhetoric since he’d come into the league as a fresh-faced rookie in 2003 that they were all in this together – players and owners? The good of the league and the brand above all else? Wasn’t his on-stage handshake with Mr. Stern a metaphor for same?

A text from LeBron – it showed up on his television, which was tethered to his iPhone – brought some form of an answer:

got milk? lol

As Dwyane pumped out a last repetition and felt the various lactic acids releasing from his deltoids, he wondered why he had so many questions.

And so and thusly in swift fashion, Dwyane Wade booked the soonest airplane ride to New York he could get, determined to get answers.

No matter what.

Yep That Was Worth $15

Brian — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 13:37:38 +0000

(A guy did this to his head and sent to me – that would be a great tattoo.)

Sorry for being so inconsistent on the blog website writing.

Also Twitter is another place my presence is having a minus sign, and then one of these >.

Okay, the whole equation is this, and that will tell you where I have been so much.

turtlecalls = $$ > blogs + love (gchat – weightlifting)

Yep, my busy is happening to me with so much intensity that now I am not even going to post my own gchat, but someone else’s.

She is a real babe and she will maybe tell you who she is if you ask her, but you would have to find her first.

guy: uh, do you know someone in the 209 area code?

babe: I know a turtle

guy: … WHAT WAS THAT?
guy: i guess i offered 6 units of european work for 13 peanuts?

babe: I paid $15 for that
babe: hope it was worth it

guy: you paid $15 for that?

babe: yais

Why does that guy put those spaces in his dot-dot-dots. lol

Didn’t he go to 4th grade where they teach you that.

Interesting news soon about the all-new turtlecalls, and also life, and other stuff, and etc.

I’m Logging In At Paypal.com

Brian — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 13:34:08 +0000

Right now as I type this blog post on my dot com, I’m also doing a login function at Paypal dot com.

It’s because of TABS on the computer and how they let you make different things happen at the same time.

Also there’s another friend here and he is wearing JAMS.

They’re the cool kind from way back with different longitudes on them and also a little bit of latitudes, and like a little symbol that makes you think about surfing.

You can probably tell my blog is going to take a break soon, huh.

That guy is seriously wearing his JAMS.

I mean that he’s so serious about wearing them and being like “yeah I am wearing these JAMS” while he walks to the store.

Is he going to buy those cereal cracker chips, the 3-in-1 wonderfood. Those have their own aisle for combofoods, where there are products like Hot Pockets Apple Juice Snack Mix.

Okay, I made it into Paypal. Have you ever gone to that website.

Let’s Talk For Real About Turtlecalls

Brian — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 14:00:11 +0000

Time to break down some real numbers, so I can explain the lucrative accidental miracle that is calling people and pretending to be a turtle, aka turtlecalls.

Okay, junior accountants, get your calculator apps on your Googelle phones.

There is a chart you can use to run the numbers.

I’m rich!

If you sing me the Don Cheadle Theme Song (which debuts below) and post it somewhere online with a link to turtlecalls.com, I’ll give you a free Cheadlecall.

I hope this never gets boring.

Is T-Mobile Better Than Verizon

Brian — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 13:57:06 +0000

I was in a T-Mobile last night being like, “Hey, how did my minutes plan get down to 500/month when it used to be unlimited, and now I owe you like $900 that I’d rather spend on mosquito nets for Egypt or whatever, right.”

Well, she was like, “Oooh, you care about saving the mosquitos. How did you get so deep, and look at your nice eyes.”

I paused and gave her a look like, “You know I’m gonna save every last one of those little guys, babe,” and then cracked my neck and like made may shoulders go up and down like my muscles were going crazy!

The problem was solved, because she hopped right on with the T-Mobile Command Center and was like, “Fix this guy’s situation,” and they did that, plus they backdated it to 2008.

That means she gave me all the money from the store because of how I’d been paying too much for three years now.

Try and make that happen with your iPhone at the Verizon store.

Who is an alpha dawg today.

Can You Hear It in My Voice

Brian — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 14:12:31 +0000

(Google sent me one of their free CR-48 booty prototype notebook computers with the Chrome operating system for free and now I like it.)

I was talking on the phone with someone yesterday about making a huge business deal about how they were going to give me like $50M and then they would just not ask about how that was going for a few months.

Maybe even years. Take some risks, Jennifer!

The woman was like, “Oh hey, maybe you don’t understand that $50M is all I have and if I give it to you then I can’t pay for my mortgage on my boats and private airplane and also my house. Also I have to eat crepe omelets so much.”

Not sure how to respond, I made a sound like, “DING DING DING!” and then started laughing.

She didn’t know what was going on, and was like asking what was going on.

I explained that if she were really listening to me, she could hear in my voice how what I wanted the money for was more important than her needs, and she could start eating McDonalds hashbrowns more and private homemade crepe omelets less.

Also I would pay for her to move into the Days Inn out of her $50M, and she could pay me back after the thing I was using her money for was turning a profit.

It worked, and now who is a real wheeler-dealer.

Stop Texting Me On the Job So Much

Brian — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 13:00:31 +0000

For the record, I also introduced the girl in the below email to Monster Lo-Carb Energy Drinks.

Within a week she was addicted at a 3/day clip and obsessively sampling other brands.

What a catch I can be when I want to.

To: Brian Spaeth
Date: Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 9:29 AM
Subject: FW: Jan 31st Deduction

this couldn’t be more your fault lol

—–Original Message—–
From: [redacted]
Sent: Monday, January 03, 2011 04:26 PM
To: [redacted]
Subject: Jan 31st Deduction

[redacted],

The attached scan will show why you’ll have a $105.30 deduction on January 31st for PDA usage/overages. This happened because you went over your texting allowance by 971 messages. With that in mind, I think you might want to increase your current text plan to minimize your overages going forward as shown on the attached. If you agree, please reply to this email authorizing the change in your monthly deduction.

I’m available for any questions or concerns you might have.

Maybe one question could be her just emailing back the picture I put in this post and being like, “Hey look how moody/deep/sensitive this guy is. Check it check it one two check it.”

That’s not even a question = more deductions. lol

Don’t Settle For Inferior Turtlecalls

Brian — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 13:00:33 +0000

When I set out to reinvent my grandfather’s dream of a business wherein someone calls people pretending to be a turtle – aka turtlecalls – I wasn’t sure what would happen.

I did have some thoughts about how people may connect with it on a spiritual level, and I feel that’s starting to happen, based on the following exchange with @alexiskn.

AKN: Dude I almost got a fake turtle call last night.
AKN: This girl from twitter called me and left a message saying she was gonna do a turtle call but she kept laughing.

BRIAN: That’s why I am Americas Original Turtlecall

The inevitable knock-offs are coming – some of them a form of freelance fun, as with the above attempt.

Head over to the turtlecalls site to get the latest – unfortunately, I won’t be able to post any new ones until next Tuesday. After that it’ll be daily.

Is Tipsy Chores one of those British reality shows.

How To Make a Book Trailer Happen To You

Brian — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 12:00:03 +0000

So since I put out The Christmas Bridge, I’ve been getting new rounds of emails from people trying to sell me book marketing services.

One of these was offering book trailers, which I’m not fond of at all.

(You can read more about that in this article thing I wrote for another website.)

As such, I wanted more info.

From: Brian Spaeth
To: [redacted], Bryan

What time does the book trailer start?

From: [redacted], Bryan
To: Brian Spaeth

Hi Brian,

I’m not exactly sure what you are asking. Are you asking how long they are?

From: Brian Spaeth
To: [redacted], Bryan

Well if there were a trailer happening for my book does it play at Avatar. I know that’s not in theaters now because it hit DVD and Blu-Ray but you know what I mean? Can it be in IMAX because lots of people are going to see Harry the Potter I bet and those are proven book buyers because of Harry the Potter being a book. Can we do a Blu-Ray only trailer?

Thanks – I’m really interested in this -

From: [redacted], Bryan
To: Brian Spaeth

Hi Brian,

I think it would be best if you took a look at the Video Book Trailer on our website to learn more about it and what it does for your book. Please take a look at the link below.

https://www.createspace.com/Services/VideoBookTrailers.jsp

From: Brian Spaeth
To: [redacted], Bryan

Those look great. Can I my book trailer have pictures of Sam Worthington being Avatar?

Brian

Here’s a dating tip – if you talk to girls and act like Avatar is the character’s name, they will love you.

And geez – I make silly animal videos for my books anyway.

Some Big Business Tips

Brian — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 18:49:19 +0000

(Check out how bruised up I am from my hospital time – aren’t I a cool dude now.)

Man, this might be kinda mean, but if you follow the link on this Twitter post of mine, you’ll read some of the most awkward, circular business-speak you’ll ever read.

There are real nuggets like, “Our service is offered, not sold, so there is no false spin, only facts.”

That was emailed to me because someone though it sounded like something I would write as a joke. It wasn’t me, but I can certainly take a stab at it:

Times are tough, and your company is also tough. Your team might be about the bottom line, but I’m getting to the bottom line. I mean it, and when I say it, there’s a handshake to back that up. Pride is one part showing up and two parts being there.

Together we’ll get to being there, like I’ll tell you the first time we meet. Your profits help everyone. You have to see where profits and marketing collide. That’s where I come in. Don’t let you and your staff get overwhelmed. That’s called making more money AND providing better service.

Did you hear they have phones with touchscreens now.

After reading this again, I want to give myself extra credit for “Your profits help everyone.” lol

Blue Shirt Movie In Development

Brian — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 13:30:12 +0000

Hey so my little script about that guy who bought a blue shirt got optioned to become a real movie.

I will play the guy and also I will do the voice of the shirt and the shirt will be a cartoon shirt with real fabric subtext.

How fun does this movie sound.

Another good thing for my virtual reality bank account is how they want me to write the sequel already and that one is called Blue Shirt 2.

Here is part of it and there are spoilers because this is the whole thing except the title page, which has lots of graphics that have to stay under wraps because of the lawyers being upset all the time.

EXT. BRIAN’S HOUSE – DAY

Establishing shot of a cool and trendy house. The cops are cleaning DEAD ALBANIAN SOLDIERS off the streets.

SALESMAN (O.S.)

Sounds like a good deal, eh?

INT. BRIAN’S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM – DAY

Brian is on the sofa doing dumbbell CURLS – he’s wearing the titular BLUE SHIRT. He looks AMAZING.

The SALESMAN is pacing back and forth, waiting for Brian to say something – he’s tired and agitated.

SALESMAN

Since the war ended, people can’t get enough of these blue shirts, y’see? I’m plum out!

Brian says nothing – he’s so charismatic about it, also.

SALESMAN (CONT’D)

C’mon, fella!

BRIAN

I like the shirt where it is. On me.

The Salesman pulls a GUN – he’s frantic.

SALESMAN

I need that shirt! Can’t ya see? Can’t ya?!

Brian sets his dumbbell down, stands up and walks over to the Salesman, letting the barrel of the gun rest on his forehead.

SALESMAN (CONT’D)

Say now, what are ya on about?!

BRIAN

(hushed)

You tell me...fella.

Don’t have a confusion moment about the title not being the same – it just that it’s like how they called Batman 2 The Dark Knight, combined with how they called Iron Man 2 Iron Man 2.

Well Here Is Why My Famous Isn’t Big Enough

Brian — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 13:30:54 +0000

(Check out that website for The Christmas Bridge and how someone wrote me a poem about the book before they even read it.

Yep that’s where all your doggie videos you are making me will go, too.)

Hey so here is a girl who was taking my Prelude to a Super Airplane book on a romance vacation and she sent me this picture of it and it’s a nice picture.

Is that her leg or just some pants that are going to live inside her suitcase for awhile. Who knows.

In other PTSA excitement news, I was on my secret cool kids message board I go to and this happened inside a thread about the publishing industry having a heart attack so much.

Dan
Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2010 10:35 am
By the way, I just try to buy Prelude to a Super Airplane on my Kindle…. it just sent me Dark Tower VI – Song of Susannah by Stephen King. WTF?!?!

Brian
Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2010 11:57 am
Are you serious? Is that why I am not huge – Stephen King is getting all my sales?!

Dan
Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2010 12:11 pm
100% serious. Weird glitch. It’s also telling me there was a problem with my credit card on file (there isn’t), but sent me the Stephen King book anyways.

Brian
Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2010 12:43 pm
Do me a favor and keep buying it until it works – you’re probably just an idiot who’s doing it wrong.

If anyone knows that guy Stephen King he owes me two money dollars.

Also if anyone knows the king of Amazon I want some money for my trouble and also get that guy Dan his digital book file for his little Kindle buddy.

Goodbye I will see you later. lol

The Man Who Liked Blue Shirts

Brian — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 12:24:08 +0000

So maybe you know I am big on the impulse buy and that means when those cheap things are in my face at the checkout.

Gum is one of those which is why I have so much gum all the time.

Well there’s another way things make me give away my money dollars and I wrote this short screenplay about it and it’s called the thing in the title and that’s The Man Who Liked Blue Shirts and this really happened to me yesterday.

EXT. MALL – DAY

Establishing shot of a cool mall. There is a huge WAR going on in the parking lot between Brazil and Albania.

INT. MALL/STORE – DAY

BRIAN, a cool guy who is so cool, walks into this trendy clothing store. A SALESMAN approaches.

SALESMAN

Say, fella! You look like a man who enjoys blue!

BRIAN

It’s my favorite. How did you -

SALESMAN

(cuts him off)

Have I got the shirt for you!

The Salesman whips out a BLUE SHIRT. Brian is pretty amazed, yet suspicious.

SALESMAN (CONT’D)

Well, go on then!

Brian takes off his shirt and puts on the blue shirt. He looks slowly over to a mirror, like Bruce Willis.

BRIAN

(hushed)

I’ll take it.

Do you think I could stretch that into a whole movie and sell it to Lifetime if I made a find/replace for Brian and Brianna happen.

My Left Shoulder Is Itchy For Real

Brian — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 13:41:24 +0000

(First things are first in the house and that’s that my new famous website about THE CHRISTMAS BRIDGE is open and there is an excerpt from the book there and it’s a 25-page excerpt.

Look at that preview and how my watermark pal is being obnoxious at people.)

A lot of times on the weekend I make my weekend visit to the doctor to make sure my levels are right for the new week, and that’s so on Monday I can be like, “everything is all set for the week!”

The big health controversy this time was one maybe you heard me file a complaint about on Twitter and yep that’s my shoulder and how it’s itchy and that’s not from a buggie bite.

Also it just happened one time but it was like three months ago and I can’t stop forgetting how terrible it was and how much I had to scratch it and that was so much that I passed out.

Doc said to go on the internet and look for answers and also he said my cholesterol and blood pressure are having an interesting time deciding which is the more perfect facet of my personal biology.

If you’re scratching your left shoulder then you can expect unhappiness. If you’ve got the urge to itchy your right shoulder though then this is a sign that you will receive money in the form of an inheritance.

Left, right, left, right, left is an Army chant. lol

Yeah so time to get a new doctor because of how I want one who can give me definitive answers about who won between the cholesterol and blood pressure and maybe one who will bother to ask why my resting heart rate isn’t in that contest.

Is that true about shoulder itches and money dollars – please advise.

A Fun Game To Make Everyone Like You

Brian — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 13:12:18 +0000

Maybe you saw my excitement picture I made happen on Flickr this weekend and here it is if you missed it live.

Well it’s because I made up a cool game and that game is called, “Hey All You Strangers At the Next Table, I Bet I Can Flick This Pen Across the Bar and Make It Fling Back Like A Boomerang and Land Behind My Ear”.

You can guess all the reactions that came about from me making my charisma statement, but if you can’t here you go.

What?

Huh?

Who are you?

Do you want to kiss?

That last guy I was like “no thank you, but you do seem nice” to and he left after that because of his embarrassment about my polite rejection.

Well the joke is on him because he missed me explaining all the physics about how I could make this happen and you know that was a for real thing because of the math on my hand that I did.

Finally everyone got their dollars on the table after we were best friends and then came the build-up to the big pennerang moment and that was me making the short and pretty girl do a drum roll on her forearm.

She had eyes that were nice and also they were green.

That was the end of the story because I was so distracted with her being pretty and slapping her own forearm to the beat of Welcome to the Jungle that I forgot to finish the event.

It was worth losing the $10 but in my heart I know my physics were right. Our kid will love that story so much when he is born in June.

Oops.

Mark is All Set Up

Brian — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 17:34:47 +0000

Well the truth is I’m in this Starbucks and that’s a place for buying coffee and snacks that are pretentious.

When I got there a weird customer at the counter was getting done telling the working girl that she should be a model and she did bulimia at that part of his creepy story.

Here comes the exciting part so get ready.

After I traded money for water and the water was in a bottle I sat down and did some eavesdropping on these guys and they are guys that are a couple tables down.

These are the parts that I heard and it was like this that I heard them.

hey mark how’s it going I just did a pirouette so we’re all set up

if you go to the reports tab we’re all set up

now go to quarterly tax preparation we’re all set up

go ahead to the biroway that should be set up get a screenshot of yourself so I can verify your information is correct mark

sure sure hourly rate booty what it’s ten an hour can you put that in real quick mark great tabs tabs tabs that’s the future mark i love you

Oh man this should be a whole dot com blog and that’s for sure maybe it can be called The Overheard Wrong On Purpose Businessmen Blog On the Real.

I like things that are popular and also pretty girls are another thing I like.

Do you like that same stuff if so keep reading here comes more blogs. lol

My Uncle Messes Up Again

Brian — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 03:22:53 +0000

Well, you probably remember how my Uncle Bill Spaeth is always being forgetful with doing things in life because I write about that like every other post.

He did it again with these money guys who want to smelt aluminum and he’s dropping the ball on getting them their permission slips.

These business presidents bought that factory and every day he doesn’t let them smelt old cars it’s messed up for sure.

The June 9 letter was addressed to the City Council, Mayor Bob Burr, City Manager Brian Dissette and Zoning Administrator Bill Spaeth.

Spaeth is on vacation and was not available to comment on whether the smelting operation would be an allowed use under current zoning.

Way to go chief, this is like the time you didn’t mail my application to go on Here Comes the Bachelor in time to get to meet all those babes and go in hot tubs.

Now I’ll be alone forever and those smelting people are with me on how that one happened.

You have to let them smelt the aluminum or it’s messed up just like my life and how I’m not a famous TV stud.

Stop playing golfing.

Help Support The Christmas Bridge

Brian — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 12:17:06 +0000

I was over at Kickstarter Dot Com helping support my friend Mike’s project, and thought, “Man, I should have something on here and people can give me money to do it.”

After like 20 seconds, I came up with a good idea, and it’s called The Christmas Bridge.

Don’t get confused by my filmmaking skills – this isn’t a movie project, it’s an actual physical construct.

It’s a real bridge I want to build – a unique bridge, even.

It is imagined and conceived as follows:

1) It’s a bridge that stretches from Cleveland to Columbus, Ohio – this is scientifically proven to be the most boring 200 miles to drive on Earth, and it needs an injection of bridge.

2) It’s always Christmas Day on the Christmas Bridge, and it’s always snowing on it, even in the Summer. Pipes help this happen.

3) This is the Fantasy Island of bridges – if you go on it and make a wish, it’ll come true in a way that teaches you a lesson about learning.

4) Nic Cage is always on the Christmas Bridge, and he’s sledding back and forth, and nobody can figure out how he makes his sled keep going, and he never needs to sleep.

5) Metal is what it’s made of and there are never any tolls except for stocking stuffers, and the stocking stuffers are iPod Nanos.

6) When people get to the other side of the Bridge, they get their Nanos back, but it’s not their own Nano, it’s somebody else’s, but it only has viral videos on it. This is to make everyone want to come back for more of the Bridge experience.

I only need $91,000,000 to build the Christmas Bridge and keep it running for the first month.

The equations I made say it’ll make enough in that initial 30 days to sustain itself.

It’s really important that the Christmas Bridge stay free, because of the Christmas part of the bridge, which is the whole bridge.

This was submitted to Kickstarter this morning, so we’ll see if they approve it.

(This is the type of post I throw together in 5 minutes that makes me register christmasbridge.com, ends up as a whole book concept, and ultimately results in self-hate.)