A gchat I had about four minutes ago:

lovetessa3: hey.

me: what’s up

lovetessa3: hey whats up? 23 FemaIe here. you?

me: lol

It’s just I’m finishing the next Super Airplane book – the same one I’ve been finishing since like July – and it’s taking up [...]]]> I know I haven’t written much lately, and I want to assure anyone checking in that it’s not another blog suicide or any other sort of blog-based angst.

It’s just I’m finishing the next Super Airplane book – the same one I’ve been finishing since like July – and it’s taking up most of my daily word allotment.

There aren’t that many words.

One thing I did take the time to do is write this intro to my contribution to the admittedly overplayed Sh*t Says video meme. The fact that it’s overplayed allows me to deconstruct it here, however.

Would you sound like a spastic chimpanzee and look like you were turning into a Blue Hulk if you got shot.

I can’t take full responsibility for what you’re about to read, but it’s a somewhat accurate example of the types of emails I’ll send myself when an idea strikes.

Keep in mind I was back home for Christmas last week, which means I was [...]]]> (This is what it looks like when I need a haircut.)

I can’t take full responsibility for what you’re about to read, but it’s a somewhat accurate example of the types of emails I’ll send myself when an idea strikes.

Keep in mind I was back home for Christmas last week, which means I was eating the amounts of sugar that will cloud one’s thought processes and memories.

On top of that I was with #bronchitis.

Anyway, this morning I found a note I self-emailed last week.

Lie about scene
Breathe in and oxygen turns into dark matter
Have gf listen on speaker phone
she takes it badly lol

No memory of what it is, what it means, or what I’m supposed to do with it.

There is no doubt I’ll use the corrupted breathing stuff somewhere, though.

Do you wish you could turn oxygen into dark matter, and also do you wish you knew whether I had a gf or not.

Before we get to the audio, Google Voice transcribed it as the following:

Hi. This is important. Why you say that.

Either this is a wrong number, a former stalker, or a new stalker. Whatever the case, [...]]]> There’s nothing quite like the call you get on Christmas that sounds like what’s embedded below.

Before we get to the audio, Google Voice transcribed it as the following:

Hi. This is important. Why you say that.

Either this is a wrong number, a former stalker, or a new stalker. Whatever the case, the way they said “why you say that” is definitely in that “don’t you know we are spending eternity together in the lake house with you chained to the wall” tone.

If you happened to leave this, let me know who you are. That way I can either apologize, block your number, invite you over to explore the depths of your psychosis, or some combination of all three.

This also may not be as creepy as it sounds at the moment – I caught some kind of cold and cant’ breathe = oxygen deprivation.

Do you like lake houses.

I used to think that since I’d found a dead body and gotten a passport, I was a fully grown and functioning adult.

That said, several things I’ve done this year have forced me to reevaluate my criteria.

Listed in no particular order:

PAINTED A [...]]]> (Look at my new Facebook Timeline functionality.)

I used to think that since I’d found a dead body and gotten a passport, I was a fully grown and functioning adult.

That said, several things I’ve done this year have forced me to reevaluate my criteria.

Listed in no particular order:

PAINTED A WALL
This was an amazing experience, and I liked how the lady at Home Depot had to explain that you can’t just buy a can of paint in whatever color you want right off the shelf. I suppose if I’d looked at the shelves and the color options on all those little cards, I could’ve done the math and realized that.

BOUGHT A PLANT
It’s like in a pot, and it’s green and spiky. This Home Depot lady was amused at my wonderment over being able to have living plants inside. I honestly thought all indoor plants were fake.

HUNG A SHOWER CURTAIN
I did this yesterday – it’s always been done for me before. I did have to go back to Target, as I didn’t realize you had to buy the inside part separately. Afterward I stopped by Home Depot and told a saleslady about it.

DIDN’T GET ANYONE PREGNANT YET
The time and money you save by not having to move to another city on a whim is such an asset. I can’t recommend not getting people pregnant enough. #HomeDepot

OWNED A PET
This is actually a big deal for kids, so I’m not sure it counts. The creature is also a turtle, which is even more of a childlike animal.

How impressive is this on a scale of 1-8 and how masculine am I on a scale of 1-9.

That’s why it looks all screwy and parts of the site are upside-down, and other parts are like the Belgiums wrote it.

I will probably have it being nice again [...]]]> For the first time in like two years, I’m moving my site off the Thesis Theme, and that means it’s on a new theme.

That’s why it looks all screwy and parts of the site are upside-down, and other parts are like the Belgiums wrote it.

I will probably have it being nice again by Monday morning, so if you’re having your read at this on Monday morning, you can just pretend it’s still Friday, and I’m having a nice conversation with Airborne on Twitter.

This post is for people who skip their football experience and read my dot com, instead.

Also, I’ve been doing my hard work on some videos, and they’re about to happen because of The Whore of Akron book, and you can see them soon, and go to the author’s website, and his name is Scott Raab, and etc.

The picture is a picture of that.

Now I know what you are thinking, and it’s two things. I will put the questions you [...]]]> My phone has a loose part in the charger end that means I have to create a pretty exciting thing so that it can have its charge happen to it.

The picture is a picture of that.

Now I know what you are thinking, and it’s two things. I will put the questions you have and then the answers.

Q: How did you take that picture of your phone when your phone was trapped under your Tide with Downey.

A: I did that with my iPod Touchy 3-D.

Q: Why do you use Tide with Downey when you could just use regular Tide.

A: That is a good question. Time to think about my life some more.

If you have any other questions about my phone charging situation, or also about how to write compelling blog posts, or about what I would do if my girlfriends had a pregnancy happen to them, leave it in the comments.

Stop pretending that isn’t super interesting to you – how can you not be wondering which country I would flee to, and whether establishing that my phone could lose its charge while away from home isn’t setting up my entire escape from becoming a male parent.

You will know that is happening because of the blog post that appears after I do it.

This is one of those, and if you go read the link, you can see more of this quote.

With the [...]]]> Sometimes I like to read my nerd news about getting new robots in the microchip factories.

You will know that is happening because of the blog post that appears after I do it.

This is one of those, and if you go read the link, you can see more of this quote.

With the move, the company aims to cut labor expenses and improve efficiency, Foxconn CEO Terry Gou said at a workers’ dance party on Friday.

Was he like doing the Mambo #5, and he grabbed the mic, and then he was like, “Hey I am firing most of you when the new robots get here. Come on ride the train, the Mambo #5 train.”

That guy loves to dance, and I bet his tie was loose also.

When was Mambo #5, was that like 1991.

Do you like robots.

In the upper left picture, I am trying to point at my Cleveland Cavaliers t-shirt, but I can’t do it right.

In the upper right, I am trying to make my [...]]]> These pictures happened to me in the Android Vignette, where there is a grid setting, and I was playing with the setting.

In the upper left picture, I am trying to point at my Cleveland Cavaliers t-shirt, but I can’t do it right.

In the upper right, I am trying to make my Dove For Men deodorant take a picture also so there can be 3-D, but it won’t do it.

In the lower left, I am not sure what’s going on – I think I was trying to point at my t-shirt again.

The lower right is just a normal picture, like you might take at a picnic with your butler.

Okay, I need to disconnect and finish some stuff up. No blog and no Twitter.

Email me if you need anything – turtlecalls will still be out there daily -

I wish I could [...]]]> Sometimes my hazy brain gets me and/or things just pop into my head.
Yep.

Okay, I need to disconnect and finish some stuff up. No blog and no Twitter.

Email me if you need anything – turtlecalls will still be out there daily -

I’m always like, “What suitcase.”

Then they go, “The one that’s on your bed.”

And I’m like, “What bed.”

They get all upset like, “Stop messing with me!” and do a harrumph statement.

I love that part so much, that [...]]]> A lot of people ask me questions like, “Hey, what is in that suitcase.”

I’m always like, “What suitcase.”

Then they go, “The one that’s on your bed.”

And I’m like, “What bed.”

They get all upset like, “Stop messing with me!” and do a harrumph statement.

I love that part so much, that I show them my suitcase and all of the wonderful things I take with me on a nice vacation.

That is it in the picture. You can click it to make it a bigger picture, which is when the greatest secrets come out.

Well, she was like, “Oooh, you care about saving the mosquitos. [...]]]> I was in a T-Mobile last night being like, “Hey, how did my minutes plan get down to 500/month when it used to be unlimited, and now I owe you like $900 that I’d rather spend on mosquito nets for Egypt or whatever, right.”

Well, she was like, “Oooh, you care about saving the mosquitos. How did you get so deep, and look at your nice eyes.”

I paused and gave her a look like, “You know I’m gonna save every last one of those little guys, babe,” and then cracked my neck and like made may shoulders go up and down like my muscles were going crazy!

The problem was solved, because she hopped right on with the T-Mobile Command Center and was like, “Fix this guy’s situation,” and they did that, plus they backdated it to 2008.

That means she gave me all the money from the store because of how I’d been paying too much for three years now.

Try and make that happen with your iPhone at the Verizon store.

Who is an alpha dawg today.

I leaned reverse-forth on the back leg of the chair and fell over, because of how it was some kind of fashion chair and only had one leg in the back.

It was a triangle [...]]]> At a fashion dinner over the weekend this one guy was like, “hey man, where is your fashion scarf?”

I leaned reverse-forth on the back leg of the chair and fell over, because of how it was some kind of fashion chair and only had one leg in the back.

It was a triangle chair. lol

As the guy was helping me up with another guy and also a girl and a man, the main guy’s fashion scarf got in my face and made my nose tickle, and then his business cards fell out of the pockets that were in his fashion scarf.

Also a doggie was licking my hand because a fork had fallen on it and it was bleeding.

“Oh, you are on Linked In,” I said, and that was because one of the cards fell right on my eyes, and it was the part of the card that said, “Linked In: [address redacted]“.

“Yes, do you want to connect on there? I can pull up the Linked In App on my mobile smartphone and we can do it right here.”

By this time the fashion chair was set upright, and I said, “Get me a Labatt’s Blue in a can!”

Everyone laughed and the band started the violins back up, and I winked at his fashion scarf in a way that meant, “This is so fun, thank you for having me.”

You probably don’t get that because of my advanced web design techniques.

Well yesterday none of the buttons were making the things happen right, so I did a chat with the Server King, [...]]]> A lot of times I’m hitting all the buttons that make the computer go and I don’t know what they do.

You probably don’t get that because of my advanced web design techniques.

Well yesterday none of the buttons were making the things happen right, so I did a chat with the Server King, and he had on his velvet robe a lot.

Sean: [6:48:25 PM] There was an issue with the zone file (DNS records) for the domain. I had to re-assign it to push the zone records out again. Check again in a bit

Brian Spaeth: [6:49:01 PM] Okay thanks – I don’t know what that means but I will trust it will work lol

Sean: [6:49:13 PM] Alright, Brian :)
Sean: [6:49:14 PM] Did you have any additional questions for me?

Brian Spaeth: [6:49:35 PM] I have on jeans and a blue shirt
Brian Spaeth: [6:49:59 PM] If you look at me from like 15 feet and squint it’s like some kind of unitard lolol
Brian Spaeth: [6:50:21 PM] btw if you are bored go to turtlecalls.com

Sean: [6:50:03 PM] Haha… that looks interesting…

In the face of such tech issues, would any company rep (other than Ashley in T-Mobile chat) be so helpful.

You should buy your internet toolbelts from them or whatever it is. Ask for Sean and tell him a cool guy sent you so much.

“Make sure you’re creating a lot of energy around her, and tune into that.”

“Yeah! Yeah!” exclaimed the Bachelor. “I’m gonna use tonight’s cocktail party to talk to these women.”

How is the Bachelor gonna create his energy shield at the cocktail party.

Doesn’t he need to be [...]]]> “Bingo,” said the Bachelor’s therapist.

“Make sure you’re creating a lot of energy around her, and tune into that.”

“Yeah! Yeah!” exclaimed the Bachelor. “I’m gonna use tonight’s cocktail party to talk to these women.”

How is the Bachelor gonna create his energy shield at the cocktail party.

Doesn’t he need to be in his lab.

Why is he so nervous, and where did he get that accent. Get to the lab, Trent.

“Jamie gave me some invaluable advice tonight – make these women feel comfortable.”

Good job using your degree, Doctor Jim.

The Bachelor’s belt is on inside-out.

Who let him go on TV like that. lol

This was my 600th post on this dot com – what a memorable gem of an entry.

Sometimes I’m driving in my car on a lone desert’s night through a neighborhood.

That means instead of sleeping I’m behind the wheel, wishing upon a moonlight’s query that I had more four-wheel drive technology inside my car’s wheels.

Others among you have actually gone on to use this charming text.

Here’s a new gift for [...]]]> A lot of you think my “draw Texas from memory” thing is the best the world has to offer for making girls be like, “wow who is this guy, and also he has such nice arms”.

Others among you have actually gone on to use this charming text.

Here’s a new gift for you.

That means a fun time is about to be on the blog.

Okay, first get to a Christmas Party or bar and be near a girl you want to talk to. You can also do this on a romance date.

Grab paper/pen, and ask her to write Harry Potter upside down.

When she asks why with her wtf look, just be confident, like you know exactly what this game is all about and it’s super fun.

After she’s done, you take your turn, and explain that you’ll then (together…!) compare whose is better and go to the next step.

Here comes the cool twist.

Once it’s your turn, STRUGGLE.

Get ahold of yourself, mate. lol

This will not fail, and I was laughing so hard during my part it was pretty infectious.

In fact, everyone in the establishment started laughing along, and a moment of joy was created. The boss of the place even put on “Angel of Harlem” and there was dancing and hugging.

That is so impressive if you can make that happen.

A bonus is that you can sell the paper on eBay later, unless she wants to put it in her special memory box that has things from boys.

Let her do that if she wants to.

I could write for pages about my personal life at the moment, but it might ruin my self-image of being such an arrogant stud.

SMH!

Okay, instead let’s just have a fun recap of the conversation I had with @bohnlein that started here and [...]]]> (Vignette for Android with new “self-portrait serial killer” setting.)

I could write for pages about my personal life at the moment, but it might ruin my self-image of being such an arrogant stud.

SMH!

Okay, instead let’s just have a fun recap of the conversation I had with @bohnlein that started here and that means me doing Twitter as below.

Do it with a super thick accent and Harry Potter sounds like AirPaw lol

@bohnlein what do you think about me just driving around saying Harry Potter different ways to myself

@bohnlein do you think there’s a ripoff version of me driving around saying Perseus Jackson

For real, I do that wrt Harry the Potter, and driving, and talking, and etc.

This entire post was repurposed from Twitter, including the picture. Check it out – I was also dressed for businessman times yesterday.

LOL!

That’s called poor blogging. Good job.

Oh how times change.

“Megan Fox Lost” has fallen away as a regular entry, and my name is now beating “Shirtless LeBron” on [...]]]> One of my favorite things is to see how people started being on the dot com website, and looking at the search terms is an old favorite way to do that.

Oh how times change.

“Megan Fox Lost” has fallen away as a regular entry, and my name is now beating “Shirtless LeBron” on a regular basis.

Do you believe in miracles.

brian23.com
summer sanders
“tom welling”
brian spaeth deerhound
vegetable trivia questions
brian spaeth turtlecalls
15 dollar bill
lebron james shirtless
lebron james no shirt
letter to my family for christmas

Will someone please start calling me “Deerhound” like it’s my cool nickname. Why is Tom Welling in quotes. lol

There’s a chance I didn’t take long enough away from dot com blogging last month.

Three weeks was pretty hefty as far as breaks, but I used that time to do a bunch of [...]]]> I’m just gonna write this post in like 30 seconds, since I have no idea what to write about today.

There’s a chance I didn’t take long enough away from dot com blogging last month.

Three weeks was pretty hefty as far as breaks, but I used that time to do a bunch of stuff with a keyboard, including a new 13,000 word novella that will be out Monday or Tuesday.

I was double-sub'd to the @lawritersgroup email list.

It’s about the colonies and how much people went nuts about you if you had an illness back then.

Like the blacksmith would make your horse a death shawl, and special ribbons for its mane of yorn.

What if the colonial wig made a comeback.

Would you dive right into that, or would you wait for the trend to die down, and for places like the grocery store to start carrying the knock-off wigs at discount prices.

Like everyone at Subway has a wig on, and you’re like, “That’s so passe. I am a snob. Pssh.”

Time to think about your life maybe.