Marriage

(When I write, I like to put on movies I don’t have any need to pay attention to – that way I can take like little 2-to-3-to-45 minute breaks without worrying about missing something in the film.

In conclusion, I hate Spider-Man 3 so much, but it’s perfect to put on while writing, because it’s totally watchable.)

I don’t know if weird things happen to me, if I subconsciously search out weird things to happen to me, or if I take normal things and make them weird through the way I handle them.

And weird things do happen to me – for example, I’ve been hit by cars four separate times, and every time it’s like this totally bizarre set of circumstances, with a bizarre conclusion.

(In case you’re wondering – once as a sober runner, once as a drunk pedestrian, and twice as a sober biker. I also hit a stopped car running once, but I think that’s a “been hit by a runner while stopped in my car” story for the other guy. It’s really his story. I hope he tells it often.)

In any case, I went to go get new car insurance yesterday, and the lady asked me, as they do, if I was married or single. “Single,” I replied.

She was really quick with a, “Well, why don’t we make up a wife for you – it’ll be cheaper.”

I asked if this was legal, and she reiterated that she was saving me ten whole dollars a month.

Anyway, we named my wife “Kay” and we’ve been married for a year and a half. Of course, throwing me into a scenario like this is usually something I do for myself (see: my twin sister), so I needed to flesh it out.

I began creating Kay while this lady processed all my paperwork.

“I think Kay is probably about two years older than me, but she looks way younger than me, don’t you think?”

(She did think so – I must have the look of a guy who would marry an older woman that actually looks younger.)

“I’ll bet Kay lied about her age, though. She’s a failed actress, so she’s always done that. Really it’s too late for her. And she a terrible actress. She’s always got these horrible ideas for short films she wants to make, too. God, it’s so annoying.”

(This woman was cool – she actually asked me if I was mad when I found out Kay lied about her age. Of course I was, but little did she know, I was lying about my age, too. To this day, Kay and I hide our drivers licenses from each other.)

“What if she’s like a pyromaniac? Like I’m always coming home to her lighting stuff on fire? I walk in and she’s pouring gasoline all over the bed, and I’m like, ‘No! Kay, not again! You can’t keep doing this to our furniture…and to us!’”

(I emphasized this scene by getting down in a heap on the ground, like I had to hold a weeping Kay, who only then realized how she was tearing our marriage apart.)

At this point, I had to sign some stuff, and noted that Kay hates my signature. She says it doesn’t even look like a name, it’s just like “three big swoopy things”.

Well, I’d had that signature long before I knew my fake wife, so it wasn’t going anywhere, right? The insurance lady agreed.

We kinda looked at each other for a moment, and I asked her if this stuff is why I don’t have a girlfriend.

She said it probably was, and I said it wasn’t – the reason I don’t have a girlfriend is BECAUSE I’M MARRIED. How she thought this scam was gonna fly if she can’t even keep it up between the two of us, I don’t know.

I thanked her for the transaction, and ensured her I would only use this insurance for good, not evil. I said this by saying, “Thank you for the transaction. I ensure you, I will only use this insurance for good, not evil.”

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