I now realize the entire exercise may have been some kind of triangular form of performance art, with one of the angles being getting a reaction out of mom.

mom: Your blog post has [...]]]> After my admission of falling for a $150 Image Matrix IM-911 Scam, my mom hit me up on gchat.

I now realize the entire exercise may have been some kind of triangular form of performance art, with one of the angles being getting a reaction out of mom.

mom: Your blog post has left me speechless….

me: why do you use four periods what is wrong with you….
me: mom i really had a brain freeze
me: like i knew exactly what was happening the whole time

mom: Why didn’t you just get in your car and drive away?

me: i dunno they were really nice lol

mom: Crooks aren’t NICE! arggggg
mom: Next time you have $150 burning a hole in your pocket, send it to me!

me: I actually was going to put it in an envelope and mail it to you yesterday afternoon is the funny thing
me: the way i see it it was gone anyway
me: if it wasn’t a black market home theater it would’ve been a black market pair of jordans or a year’s supply of target advil off the black market

mom: What is wrong with you….

me: i love the black market lol

mom: Somewhere we went wrong with you two….Remember the time I found money in Kristen’s wastebasket at home? It had a bunch of crunched up money in it. She threw the bills away because they were WRINKLED!

me: do you still have those bills anywhere i want to spend them

In the end, it’s all fine. I got to have a nice chat with my Mom, made some new con-artist friends, and further reinforced that I can’t take care of myself yet.

Besides, when I get to make stuff like this, how can I possibly complain about my life.

Another thing is this Whore of Akron book comes out today, so go pick it up.

Some of you have been like, “Hey why are you always talking about that Whore of Akron book,” and here is the reason.

I was doing my important producing on a series of [...]]]> (My website is going through an appearance revision right now, so stop making fun of how it doesn’t work right.)

Some of you have been like, “Hey why are you always talking about that Whore of Akron book,” and here is the reason.

I was doing my important producing on a series of videos for the author, and that’s that guy Scott Raab.

Some of the videos are skits and some of them are more documentary style, and that’s like this one below, and it’s a video about making sure LeBron gets a chance to read Scott’s book.

I’m only in this a little, and that’s called incidental contact, and Scott is making jokes about my ugly sunglasses.

Well, the joke is on him, because I just go to Walmart and buy like 15 pair of whatever sunglasses, because I usually lose them or sit on them after two wearings.

Those sunglasses he hated are already gone, and so are the next six pairs after that.

Another thing that’s on the cutting room floor is how when you have pretty blue eyes they are more sensitive to light. You people with regular blue eyes are lucky.

When I was a little boy I had Calvin Klein sunglasses once.

That’s why it looks all screwy and parts of the site are upside-down, and other parts are like the Belgiums wrote it.

I will probably have it being nice again [...]]]> For the first time in like two years, I’m moving my site off the Thesis Theme, and that means it’s on a new theme.

That’s why it looks all screwy and parts of the site are upside-down, and other parts are like the Belgiums wrote it.

I will probably have it being nice again by Monday morning, so if you’re having your read at this on Monday morning, you can just pretend it’s still Friday, and I’m having a nice conversation with Airborne on Twitter.

This post is for people who skip their football experience and read my dot com, instead.

Also, I’ve been doing my hard work on some videos, and they’re about to happen because of The Whore of Akron book, and you can see them soon, and go to the author’s website, and his name is Scott Raab, and etc.

Dwyane Wade wasn’t certain what would come of his attendance of the 2011 NBA Players Union Meeting With David Stern, but he felt a raw, savage need to be there.

After all, he was one of the league’s most high-profile celebrity athletes, he was otherwise unoccupied, and he had been looking for [...]]]> CHAPTER ONE

Dwyane Wade wasn’t certain what would come of his attendance of the 2011 NBA Players Union Meeting With David Stern, but he felt a raw, savage need to be there.

After all, he was one of the league’s most high-profile celebrity athletes, he was otherwise unoccupied, and he had been looking for a chance to show off his new puppy to LeBron James, his friend and teammate.

Teammate.

The word had such a complex dual meaning, and the was weighing on Dwyane’s sweating, muscular shoulders as he did his deluxe shoulder presses in his workout cottage, outside the pool house of his Miami mansion.

LeBron was his teammate in technical terms – they were on the same team, shared a uniform and a locker room, and – at least if what LeBron said was true – both wanted to win an NBA championship.

Was he a teammate in the labor dispute, though? Did LeBron really care if they didn’t play this season, or would it be a relief of sorts? Did Dwyane care? Did he really care? If he did, wouldn’t he be in New York, massaging the rock-hard shoulders of Union President Derek Fisher?

What kind of teammate was he to be attending to his own shoulders, and not Derek’s?

And what about David Stern’s shoulders? Weren’t he and Mr. Stern teammates too, albeit of a different sort?

Wasn’t the rhetoric since he’d come into the league as a fresh-faced rookie in 2003 that they were all in this together – players and owners? The good of the league and the brand above all else? Wasn’t his on-stage handshake with Mr. Stern a metaphor for same?

A text from LeBron – it showed up on his television, which was tethered to his iPhone – brought some form of an answer:

got milk? lol

As Dwyane pumped out a last repetition and felt the various lactic acids releasing from his deltoids, he wondered why he had so many questions.

And so and thusly in swift fashion, Dwyane Wade booked the soonest airplane ride to New York he could get, determined to get answers.

No matter what.

It was really cool and about this quote from this story.

“He can take this year, and look at it as a stepping stone for him as a basketball player and as a man,” Dwyane [...]]]> Part of this is a draft I wrote like 4 months ago and then did not publish.

It was really cool and about this quote from this story.

“He can take this year, and look at it as a stepping stone for him as a basketball player and as a man,” Dwyane Wade said. “He had to make a tough decision, and he made it based on what was best for him as a man.”

I am not being a critical guy when I say I do not know what it means when someone says they are doing something as a man.

He made a free agent decision – he wasn’t lifting weights or invading China or freeing the Egypts or injecting synthetic testosterone. Why is that so manly, and making him a man, and so important, and etc.

Plus, he doesn’t even like the national anthem or having people boo him when the announcer guy says his name. What a good sport. If you really think he was having a tinkle then you need a cheeseburger breakfast, if you know what I mean.

Who is a man about that, look at his non-beard.

LOL!

That opener was really just my transition into explaining the random LeBron dream I had the other night.

Myself, LeBron, and ESPN’s Bill Simmons were [...]]]> Occasionally I still pretend to be an @OrangeRoundie on Twitter and spout off about how I feel about Kobe (pictured) vs how I feel about LeBron.

That opener was really just my transition into explaining the random LeBron dream I had the other night.

Myself, LeBron, and ESPN’s Bill Simmons were seated Oprah-style in front of a live studio audience.

Not sure who was the host or whose show it was supposed to be, and it wasn’t an interview situation. It seemed to be a private conversation that was taking place in public.

LeBron was trying to explain something, and having a lot of trouble putting the words together. Bill cut him off to ask about some statistical thing – I don’t remember what.

This made LeBron more flustered, so I put one hand on Bill’s shoulder and gave him a look like, “this isn’t the time for that.”

Then I took my other hand and put it on LeBron’s knee, and was like, “go ahead.”

LeBron stood up and started reading hateful Tweets from Northeast Ohio people, and after four or five he started bawling and sobbing at the same time.

As the crowd started cheering, we had a Good Will Hunting moment. I started giving him a comfort hug, except instead of hugging him I turned into the Hulk, and that’s when I woke up.

The weirdest thing about the dream is that I was wearing a super tight Bank of America t-shirt through the whole thing, and when I turned into the Hulk, it didn’t tear at all – it just got bigger with me.

What do you think this dream means. Should I switch banks.

I’ll be going to the game tonight with Pete from Cleveland Frowns – I wrote like three different posts for his site about LeBron Returns, but none of them were focused enough to merit taking up [...]]]> I can’t actually tell you the three rules I have for LeBron, because they’re my secret life rules.

I’ll be going to the game tonight with Pete from Cleveland Frowns – I wrote like three different posts for his site about LeBron Returns, but none of them were focused enough to merit taking up internet space.

Anyway, last time I was in town, we also went to a game, and the ever-great @MayKat33 made us this:

This game should be fun, which something none of the holier-than-though columnists of America have bothered to touch on.

Hopefully there are more artistic representations of me attending games, and cool hats, and yelling, and etc.

I’ll be on Twitter for when the game is being a game and then probably when it’s done being a game. Also beforehand, while I’m driving.

After all this, I get it.

And yes, I watched last night. (I happen to be back in Cleveland for a few days, as well.)

From my Twitter:

Just spontaneously applauded a Boston [...]]]> I know there are people dying to know – still – what I think about the NBA.

After all this, I get it.

And yes, I watched last night. (I happen to be back in Cleveland for a few days, as well.)

From my Twitter:

Just spontaneously applauded a Boston team. What planet am I on.
via Twitter for Android

From my Facebook:

Cavs win over Celtics tonight is verified proof of the basketball gods.
via Facebook for Android

Look how cool that is with my Android apps.

In the meantime, @bohnlein said the nicest thing he’s ever said about me on Twitter.

@brianspaeth you’re so intelligent when not being a silly goose
1 minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

I like to take cool pictures that are neat with my Android phone and inside the phone there’s the Vignette App and it lives in the phone and makes your pictures have different ways they can become pictures.

One of [...]]]> Here comes some technology for you to have fun learning about and also some art.

I like to take cool pictures that are neat with my Android phone and inside the phone there’s the Vignette App and it lives in the phone and makes your pictures have different ways they can become pictures.

One of the ways is a setting that is called “Action Movie” which for sure is the one for me and this is how it works. First I did a button push to make this picture have its birthday.

It seemed pretty good but then I put the dial on the Action Movie setting and it transformered the picture a little, and then even more it gobotted the picture and then here’s what I got.

This guy isn’t getting his cap sunburned either – keep those glasses on!

Also here is one with the Romance setting.

The 23 is for Michael Jordan and how he is a real-deal alpha dawg with courage about how to make his legacy appear.

I got it – it was done – it didn’t hurt that bad. The guy who did it thought I was nuts.

This preview you’re looking at was not done in Photoshop, but in some Android app that makes [...]]]> This is a little sneak preview of my proposed re-do on my shoulder tattoo.

I got it – it was done – it didn’t hurt that bad. The guy who did it thought I was nuts.

This preview you’re looking at was not done in Photoshop, but in some Android app that makes your picture into either olde-tymey or Warhol or whatever you want to do.

It’s not perfect, but you can do interesting things with your phone on the go? LOL!

So you may remember something happened to the Cavs that made them have a 2010 loss for their Playoffs.

I’ve written like six posts on this and never published any of them – the torment and angst were just a little too negative for the website blog. (It’s broadband now – click the link.)

Luckily, I owed a favor to Cleveland Frowns dot com – if you’ve been wondering what my CLE-based (LeBron) basketball thoughts were made of, it’s all right here, in classic YAYsports! NBA style.

Also, I’ve finally zeroed in on one book to write – I’ve started like three this year, but none got past a third of the way done. (I did consider putting out all three thirds as some kind of gimmick book about thirds of books.)

One of them decided it wanted to get done, though. Here’s an excerpt piece that’s part of it.

This was the truth, and Jesi knew it was crazy and whack to tell the truth right then, but he was crunk and never lied. He was just like James K. Polk, who was a great President. Maybe even the best one, so think on that one.

It made me think while writing this post English is maybe not for me anymore?

Good-bye until the next time a blog post is new for you.

“When you beat me at something, I feel a tangible need to stay up all night smashing things.” [...]]]> Twitter has a way to get embed code for Tweets now.

Also, new Bell Biv Devoe album!

mmh : /

I’ve been meaning to try this for awhile but only now got around to it.

That last sentence seemed awkward.

So did that one.

It’s kinda hard to write like this [...]]]> Okay, so this is my first post from the WordPress app on the Google Nexus One Excitement Phone, so bear with me.

I’ve been meaning to try this for awhile but only now got around to it.

That last sentence seemed awkward.

So did that one.

It’s kinda hard to write like this – everything feels like it should be Tweet-length from the phone, plus my hands hurt from playing Home Run Battle 3-D all night on this.

Cavs in 5 – that pic is a tease at the shoulder tattoo fix.

Nothing was really coming to mind, so I looked in the DRAFTS thing in WordPress to see what I had.

Here’s everything:

What Ever Happened To madpropstobakedpotatoes.com
What PTSA [...]]]> It was Sunday night, and I was trying to think about what I was gonna do my important blogging about in the morning.

Nothing was really coming to mind, so I looked in the DRAFTS thing in WordPress to see what I had.

Here’s everything:

What Ever Happened To madpropstobakedpotatoes.com
What PTSA Also Stands For
On Being Deceptively Muscular
I Watch Sober House Every Week Now
My Final Word on LeBron to the Knicks
TurtleCalls.com
Is LeBron Pregnant -
I Murdered Someone With My Car LOL
Good Guy Dictators
Bruce’s Yams Returns
The Monopoly Movie
The Leg Tattoo

None of those are striking me, although they’re all things I still want to touch on.

The last one reminds me I need to go get my shoulder tattoo maladjusted. Maybe I should do that this week, so it’s fresh for the fun summertime and the big election.

I wish I could tell you what I was working on right now so you could have some heart attacks.

Might be on another social media break soon. : /

I already mentioned what follows on a podcast I did with old tyme Roundie Henchman Ben Cox, but it bears repeating.

Basically, my biggest fear about the Playoffs, Free Agency 2010, and LeBron.

It’s not losing. We of [...]]]> (This picture is a special sneak preview of the post you’re about to read.)

I already mentioned what follows on a podcast I did with old tyme Roundie Henchman Ben Cox, but it bears repeating.

Basically, my biggest fear about the Playoffs, Free Agency 2010, and LeBron.

It’s not losing. We of Cleveland fandom have done it before, in the most heartbreaking ways possible.

Nor is it LeBron leaving, win or lose. I’m at peace with that.

If it happens, it’s because he wants to live somewhere else, and nothing can stop that. The Cavs organization is first class in every way and the best basketball situation, as well.

This fear is not even the Cavs winning the title, and the unsettling loss of identity that will accompany it.

No, my biggest fear is the combination of the Cavs winning and the city going completely overboard in terms of celebration and honors.

I don’t mean riots or parades – those will be fun and I’ll be flying in for them.

I’m talking about putting up LeBron statues immediately, retiring #23 when he switches to #6, renaming roads and buildings after him, etc.

Please wait until he retires.

With the dearth of joy around CLE’s other sports teams, the general inexperience with winning, and the “we must romance him for free agency” factor…it’s scary.

Don’t forget, this is the city that allowed Jacob’s Field to have “Era of Champions” on the outfield wall to celebrate the multiple Central Division titles.

(If you need the full 45 minutes of podcasting action – they cut all my turtlecalls.com talk – you can get that here.)

What’s interesting is all the monster truck Fatheads they already had in the office, and how those monster trucks drive around on the walls on their own – click to [...]]]> (Here’s Zack K’s Dick Vitale Fathead action, as well as Zack himself, enhancing that action by also doing some hand-and-smile action of his own.

What’s interesting is all the monster truck Fatheads they already had in the office, and how those monster trucks drive around on the walls on their own – click to see full size.)

If you didn’t watch the Cavaliers-Celtics game yesterday, I don’t know how much sense this will make.

Short version is the Cavs – after a huge comeback – were down two with very little time left.

In a dream scenario, LeBron James suddenly had a 1-on-2 fast break.

Now, having watched 95% of LeBron’s career games, I can tell you that when LeBron is trucking along in this situation, there are only three results:

1) They wrap him up and foul him, sending him to the foul line.
2) They try to wrap him up and foul him, but LeBron drags them along, scores, and gets the foul.
3) They get out of the way and LeBron scores.

As you may note, provided he doesn’t inexplicably pull up for an ill-advised three-pointer, there was a 100% chance LeBron could’ve had a chance to tie that game up or even go ahead.

Of course, instead he pulled up for the inexplicable three. Scary stuff.

Hey, all of these are available if you want to start a bad schtick-laden sports blog:

lebronforthree.com
ohgodlebron.com
whylebronwhy.com
lebronjamesshirtless.com
nolebronno.com

I’m not sure about that last one, since it’s so open to confusion with No LeBronno!, the popular children’s cooking show from New Mexico.

As to LebronShirtless.com, I get regular daily traffic off people looking for some variation of “LeBron shirtless”, so you may just want to get that and then make a website and become popular.

I don’t remember my point.

The whole health care reform reaction/discussion – which many people hashtagged with #hcr – was going crazy.

My thoughts were swirling around and I too had to get them out.

In lieu of many people’s hyperbolic [...]]]> I did more Twitter action last night than I probably have in the past two weeks put together.

The whole health care reform reaction/discussion – which many people hashtagged with #hcr – was going crazy.

My thoughts were swirling around and I too had to get them out.

In lieu of many people’s hyperbolic statements about either freedom, America, history, or Communism, I had some of these thoughts.

I won’t know for sure how I feel about #hcr until Beyonce makes her statement.

@Streakerdude2 I didn’t even know this was going on until like an hour ago lol

Why do they bang that gavel lololol

Is Biden crying or tired – he’s the Vice President right?

It occurs to me that if the Cavs win it all & LeBron leaves, it’ll be a true Cleveland moment, wherein we can’t even enjoy our one title.

Does everyone get free thermometers lol

Also, that guy in the picture was in the background of the CNN broadcast I turned on.

He was either exhausted or drunk, but one thing I know is he’ll be my lasting impression of this Health Care Victory Crisis 2010.

That’s the one absolute certainty here, by the way – everyone must make absolute judgement on whether this works or not by NOON TODAY.

I lived the full cycle of not comprehending their purpose to putting a much-beloved LeBron James Fathead on my bedroom wall.

Another thing you may know is that I haven’t [...]]]> If you read my old website or saw my movie, you know I have an extensive history with the product known as Fatheads.

I lived the full cycle of not comprehending their purpose to putting a much-beloved LeBron James Fathead on my bedroom wall.

Another thing you may know is that I haven’t looked at an NCAA Tourney bracket in like three years.

Throw all this into a blender and the result is clear – I’m giving away Dick Vitale Fatheads starting right now.

If you don’t know what a Fathead is, it’s basically a bold, life-sized wall graphic or “reusable wall hanging”.

It’s big, it’s sticks to your wall, and then like if you rearrange your futniture, you can take it off the wall and put it other places.

When I say other places, I mean like the hood of your car, your boss’s office, the company bathroom, your roommate’s wall, you could wrap it around yourself, put it where it shouldn’t be, etc, et al, furthermore. (The car scenario is where my personal LeBron Fathead finally bit the dust.)

This is pretty much what I want you to do – tell me what you’ll do with it, and then I’ll get the Fathead sent to you right away.

After that, you do the thing you said you were going to do, with photographic and/or video evidence. Then I’ll put it on the internet so we can feel nice and exciting together, sharing your special activity with the world.

Just send me an email, or post in the comments, or hit me on Twitter, or whatever.

There might also be free WSM? DVDs in this for someone(s) if I feel like it – also, I’m trying to get Fathead to let me give away that chair and towel in the picture.