I think we’ve talked about those Microsoft commercials where the people go shop for a computer, find a PC they like, and then get free money for buying it, right?
The infamous one is the filmmaker who gets a PC over an Apple and then acts really pretentious about being an artist, but I think the companion piece is even more disappointing.
It’s the one where the cute blond college girl goes to the store with her mom. Conceptually there are no problems here, but if you note the images to your right, her fingers are filthy.
Like, this commercial has a lot of potential, but the carelessness of the hand cleanliness takes me from…
YEAH GIRL YOU SO HOT – ARE YOU 18, GIRL??? I’M A COLLEGE DROP-OUT, NOW LET’S GO ON A BIKINI DATE.
…right to…
WTF ARE YOU MAJORING IN – GARDENING? GET OUT DA STORE AND STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE “TEE-HEE I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU. YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN – LET ME FEEL YOUR ARMS. OMG SO CUTE LET’S DO KISSING.” GIRL, YOU DON’T NEED A COMPUTER TO USE THAT PLANT SPATULA!
Really – I inspected this footage over and over – those aren’t shadows or anything else – it’s dirt.
Have you ever been an 18-year old girl in a commercial? An 18-year old girl in a commercial who bought a computer with dirty fingers? I’ll bet you have – did you scold the director and/or DP via email when you saw it?
<![CDATA[<a href="http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-US&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:0170090f-53b2-40fc-89a4-c759cb088e0a&showPlaylist=true&from=msnvideo" target="_new" title="Laptop Hunters $1700 – Lauren and Sue get a Dell XPS 13">Video: Laptop Hunters $1700 – Lauren and Sue get a Dell XPS 13</a>]]>
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(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here – it’s available in paperback, or iPhone/Kindle for only 1.99.)
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The latest update to the Vegetable Trivia Game is full of confusion and contradictions, so let’s get to it, with explanations afterward:
I Could Never Be Your Woman, Eastern Promises, There Will Be Blood, Grease 2, Scarface, Wolf (1994), Dangerous Minds, What Lies Beneath, Gangs of New York, Carlito’s Way, Daylight, A Perfect Murder, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, A History of Violence, Shoot ‘Em Up, Beowulf, Matchstick Men, The Love Guru
Congrats go out to The Love Guru for cracking the bottom five, and to There Will Be Blood for making the top twenty.
There Will Be Blood is everything I hate in a movie – long, based in the past, no basic “hero vs villain” happenings. I loved it, though – even moreso the second time through.
The Love Guru was really that bad – it wasn’t just bad because it was a high-profile bomb. It was a weird looking guy making fart and penis jokes. That’s it. And it was 86 minutes – 4 for end credits, plus two useless musical parodies at 2-3 minutes each.
You’re looking at roughly 77 minutes of story, mostly consisting of Mike Myers making the aforementioned fart and penis jokes. And just one other note – it was edited terribly. Like strikingly bad.
The Lord of the Rings movies (#181, #221, #222) – many of you will think these would/should be higher…I liked the books a lot, and the movies were good, but they kinda all blend together, like the Bourne movies.
Plus they’re super long, which I didn’t hold against the movie that tells you there’s blood on the way. I’m not a huge fantasy fan, either.
But the real kicker here is I have no idea if I’ve actually seen these movies or not.
Which one is “the movie”? The theatrical version? The director’s cut? The extended director’s cut? The special edition theatrical cut? The double-special theatrical extreme director’s cut?
If I ever direct a movie, there’s be one cut, and that’ll be “the movie”. I’m promising you that today.
I Could Never Be Your Woman (#439) stars Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd, and was directed by the woman who did Clueless (#150), which I really liked. I knew going in this movie was poorly reviewed, but I thought it couldn’t be that bad – with those people involved, it had to be at least watchable, right?
No, but Michelle Pfeiffer is still super hot, no matter how old she is.
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Pretty much everything in this post references this previous post. While today that post is directly below, if this is found ten years from now, it may be a different story.
Thus, the link.
Why this post so soon after the last?
Well, a few realizations:
1) There was a day I would’ve instantly gone to GoDaddy and registered www.potatopartyclub.com, but that era has passed.
I currently own 51 domains. At least 45 of these will never, ever have anything done with them. That’s roughly a $450 value.
2) Nobody will believe this, and I didn’t even realize it until a few minutes ago, but I’ve never eaten a baked potato before. Ever never ever.
I’m almost certain this is because I smelled sour cream once and gagged. It’s strange not so much because of the website name, but because it’s strange, period.
3) I just sent my roommate the following email:
Yo -
Starting tomorrow, I’m going to take an ice cold shower every morning. My intent is to stand there completely still for like a minute, making fists and feeling powerful, then I’ll like wash and stuff. So there might be screaming or squealing or something – just be aware. I’ll try to explain when I see you.
Don’t let the werewolves get you – later -
Brian
I just have to do it! I think this will be so cool, no pun intended. Obviously, I’ll have a full report.
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by Brian on September 12, 2008
in Cleveland Browns,Cold Showers,Girls,Google,Hygiene,Money,Movies,Screenwriting,Social Issues,WSM?
There are certain things I put into screenplays that are there purely because I want to do and/or see them.
For example, you’ll see several things in WSM? that are just wish fulfillment, such as me getting oiled up and lifting weights in the desert.
You can’t do this in real life, because 1) you’ll be called a freak, and 2) you’re just not allowed.
Seriously – try going to a state park with a weight set and screaming out some reps. They’ll kick you out. Get a camera and a permit, though? You’re good to go.
Anyway, I may have talked about this on the old site at some point, but a dream is to have the following set-up in my house one day:
INT. RICHARD’S HOUSE/WHITE ROOM – MORNING
This is a completely white room – at a glance, it looks like an empty insane asylum cell.
Close inspection shows that all the typical adornments of a bedroom are present – dresser drawers, TV, doors, etc – yet they are constructed so as to be flat against the walls.
A harsh BUZZ goes off, as the massive flat-screen TV shows the time – 5:00am.
On the floor, a man lies in his bed, which is (of course) white and embedded into the floor.
This man is 50, but passes for exactly 32. He is handsome, in a unique way. He is charismatic, without saying a word. He is RICHARD [character's last name redacted], and he opens his eyes.
A massive, modern bathroom. A TV of similar size is on the wall – it too shows the time. A huge glass shower is in the corner.
Richard enters, stepping out of his pajamas. He presses the shower controls, setting it for 50 degrees. The multiple shower heads spray from everywhere. Richard opens the door, steps inside.
The cold water pours over him. His expression does not change – if anything there is a slight smirk. This water empowers him.
He closes his eyes.
A moment passes, and he hears the CLICK of a GUN behind him. Richard rolls his shoulders, cracking his neck.
CHIN
Do you know who is standing behind you?
Behind him is CHIN MEYERS – he is a Chinese, poor-man’s version of Richard. He is in a full suit.
RICHARD
Hello, Chin.
So even though this is the first page of something I’m working on, I like totally want that whole set-up, right down to the 50 degree showers every morning, but minus the Chin Meyers.
One of these days, I’m gonna work up the courage to start taking the cold showers. I’m not sure why, although according to this, it’s good for you.
As for the fake-empty white room, I have no idea about that, either. In fact, I don’t know why I do anything.
What I do know, is the power went off on the entire street today, possibly because of this.
This non-power-having period instigated one thing – an entire street-full of Armenians TALKING REALLY LOUDLY IN PORTUGUESE.
Now, because I don’t speak their language, I decided it’s Armenian New Year, they cut the power, and they’re all turning into werewolves tonight, at which point they’re coming to kill my roommate.
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(One of the Armenians is literally screaming, “Mush-dee pava-do! Meh-toe!” at the top of his lungs over and over right now – I’m really tempted to just start screaming it out the window in response.)
The big news today for the fifteen American biking fans is that Lance Armstrong is going to ride in the Tour of La France Oh Nine, breaking his vow to retire forever.
I’m gonna go on the assumption that none of those fifteen people are reading my blog and say something offensive: I think Lance Armstrong is a big phony.
I think he used steroids* (or whatever illegal things bikers use), I think he liked having cancer, and I think those yellow bracelets he invented are actually blue bracelets he painted yellow.
Something about him just doesn’t ring true.
I also think I need to get off of CompUSA’s email list, because every single day, they send out these amazing HDTV offers, and one of these days I’m gonna break, ’cause I’m easy.
For example, I was in Target lasterday, and there was this girl looking at a DVD of Short Circuit for only $5. So as I walk by, I go, “Johnny Five no disassemble!”
She laughed a healthy laugh, but I noticed the tragic truth – this was the last $5 copy of Short Circuit. What ensued was a negotiation. I gave her $5 not to buy it, so that I could go ahead and buy it for $5.
It was only after reaching the parking lot that I realized:
a) I’d essentially bought Short Circuit for $10.
OR
b) I’d bought Short Circuit for $5 and this girl’s phone number for $5.
Either one is stupid, because I’ll never watch this DVD, nor will I ever call this girl. (She was a nice girl who was nice-looking, I just never call in these Target situations – I think I just like to know I can get phone numbers at Target if I want to.)
*One of my friends told me I have an unhealthy obsession with steroids – this is absolutely true. I’m dying to be in a position to get offered a role wherein there’s like an ungodly amount of money on the table, but only if I can put on like 20 pounds in the next two months.
This would force me to go ahead and use them, and I could finally get that experience out of the way.
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I have no idea about anything about the Browns this year, but somewhere I got caught up in the national holiday vibe of the NFL season starting.
Thus, I’ve signed up for the online radio broadcast thing on NFL DOT COM, and will listen to (I assume) Jim Donovon talk aboot Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards, and Blake Quincy, the back-up QB this Sunday.
(I know this isn’t his name, but I won’t look it up at the moment, and honestly can’t remember what it is. In a few weeks, I’ll come back and revise this post, so that all the info is correct.)
Why online audio, and not national TV? (I am in LA – I think the game is on today.) Well, I’m subletting at the moment, and there’s no cable in this place. I’ve only been here 5 days, and am only staying 27 more, so that’s the story.
Now, I could go to a sports bar or one of those Browns Backers parties, and do a lot of high-fiving and, “Yeah, I used to drive through Solon all the time!” and such, but I don’t think I will do that.
In other news, I washed my face with three separate kinds of soap this morning – this girl I’m subletting from has all these products she left behind, and I went all OCD and tried them all. One of them had like little pieces of gravel in it, which I guess is good for your face.
Also, if you Google “Derek Anderson” and then click the “Maps” tab, all the electricity at Google HQ will go out for an hour.
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So you know I’m into Supercuts and you know I’m into logos.
