Since I don’t have the strength to actually think of anything else, I just had this conversation with my aforementioned sister.

Hey Kristen, guess what my favorite key is [...]]]> Me and my sister have both been home all week, and I’ve spent most of it with a lung condition somewhere between #bronchitis and death.

Since I don’t have the strength to actually think of anything else, I just had this conversation with my aforementioned sister.

Hey Kristen, guess what my favorite key is on the keyboard.

I don’t know – the smile key.

Nope.

The B.

No.

The #hashkey.

Try again.

I have to put my shoes on or I can’t go to the party store.

What is she talking about, and why wasn’t I invited to the party store.

Those are my nieces in the picture – are they going to the party store, too. Why are my lungs broken.

Do you like to watch Dr. Whoa.

Yep, it’s @milquetoast7, and she’s even reading it in an airplane station.)

My Twitter got hacked over the weekend, and while what I assume was a program/bot of some kind only got up one [...]]]> (Guess who has as early look at the first 24 segments of Flight of a Super Airplane.

Yep, it’s @milquetoast7, and she’s even reading it in an airplane station.)

My Twitter got hacked over the weekend, and while what I assume was a program/bot of some kind only got up one Tweet, it did an uncanny job of being me.

Here are two Tweets that came out of my timeline the day of the hacking. See if you can guess which one I actually composed.

Number one:

Interesting how online careers have gone up 40% in 2011. I just received my first payment from my website thanks to cnbc.com-article.in/k/?13222 =D

And the second:

lol this girl is eating a hamburger in her car

For every person who guesses it right, I will draw a picture of a Time Lord from Dr. Who and mail it to my dad in a Christmas card that says, “Dad have you ever seen Dr. Who it’s pretty good sometimes even though a lot of the times I can’t figure out what’s going on thx.”

i see. so the puppy gift is fine for you then – she’s not even poisonous. she is brown.

If you’re reading this – and I know you are because I’m sending [...]]]> I need to excerpt a line written to me in a recent gchat to emphasize just how serious I am about something.

i see. so the puppy gift is fine for you then – she’s not even poisonous. she is brown.

If you’re reading this – and I know you are because I’m sending you the link in gchat right after it’s done – I am dead serious.

Do not get me a puppy of any kind for Christmas. Not a little one, a big one, or an adult one.

We’ve been through this a zillion times, but I do not like dogs. It’s not a sight gag when I wrest free of your hand and leap into traffic to avoid dogs on sidewalks – that’s an instinctual reaction to being in the presence of a canine.

Further, I am not lonely living by myself. Allef is good for companionship, and my turtle – who I never have to come into actual contact with – is also here.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m trying to save us both a lot of trouble, and I also really want you to get me a new Macbook Pro. You can even make it brown and poisonous, as long as it’s the 15-inch model. That and a dog costs the same, I think?

How much do dogs cost.

(Or buy 100 copies of The Christmas Bridge: A Timeless Excitement Fable, that Christmas book I wrote last year. I just remembered I should be marketing that around now. Only $2.99 on Kindle.)

I was just in the car screaming Christmas carols and realized the lyrics are actually “gay apparel”.

Not sure how I never questioned what “apparo” was before.

This probably could’ve been a Tweet, but I feel like it needs to [...]]]> (This is how I look when I’m playing Get That Grinch by myself.)

I was just in the car screaming Christmas carols and realized the lyrics are actually “gay apparel”.

Not sure how I never questioned what “apparo” was before.

This probably could’ve been a Tweet, but I feel like it needs to be better documented.

It’s like the time I found out pickles are old cucumbers, or when I realized why it’s called a QWERTY keyboard.

My sister Kristen never bothered to register kristenspaeth.com, so I went ahead and did it for her as a Christmas Day Present.

I also built a great site for her on it – I’d say go check it out, [...]]]> If you ever wondered what it’s like to be my sibling, wonder no more.

My sister Kristen never bothered to register kristenspaeth.com, so I went ahead and did it for her as a Christmas Day Present.

I also built a great site for her on it – I’d say go check it out, but this is all that’s there.

I’m going to buy it for you, because I really want it to be the #1 Kindle listing for Colonial Period Fiction.

Wow.

Remember, you don’t need an actual Kindle device to read a Kindle [...]]]> If you haven’t yet purchased my new comedy-laden novella A Ballad of Rogelle Climberson, are you in luck.

I’m going to buy it for you, because I really want it to be the #1 Kindle listing for Colonial Period Fiction.

Wow.

Remember, you don’t need an actual Kindle device to read a Kindle ebook – just grab one of the free apps and read it on anything, including your computer.

Just enter your name/email below and I’ll gift you a copy of Rogelle. Merry Christmas, and you like garland so much, and etc.

Well, someone bought one out of nowhere, and I remembered I’d figured out how to actually make it work awhile back.

What happened there is that Jeremy didn’t buy that call – [...]]]> You may remember when I started that cool business turtlecalls.com as a joke and then never did anything with it.

Well, someone bought one out of nowhere, and I remembered I’d figured out how to actually make it work awhile back.

What happened there is that Jeremy didn’t buy that call – someone bought it for him. (I can’t tell if he knew it was coming or not – in an ideal world he wouldn’t.)

You can read all about this on the turtlecalls site, and to get going, I’m giving away ten completely free turtlecalls for you to gift away.

I would really like you to get one for your local Pizza Hut or your boss.

***Closed Offer***

It’s all filled up – you’ll have to pay for your turtlecall like all the lunchtime kids.

I don’t even know what a blipfm is – is that the one where you’re like, “shoo-doopy-doo, here is my music” on Twitter.

Here is how you can get that new one about Christmas before it’s actually out.)

Sometimes those ideas start early and that means like you might not see this one for [...]]]> (Well look at that how my brother guy @TimSpaeth already has the full set of books that I made.

Here is how you can get that new one about Christmas before it’s actually out.)

Sometimes those ideas start early and that means like you might not see this one for a long time and when you do you might not even know.

The clue could be that it’s multi-media and I think also it is meta.

Here comes a girl and it’s me and her having a typing chat about the idea.

her: what are we gonna put in the eggs?

me: what
me: they are eggs – why do you want to inject something into them?
me: this isn’t what I had in mind for the party

her: you know what i mean
her: we need a proper easter egg hunt
her: like with those little plastic eggs that you fill with stuff

me: real eggs come with stuff already inside – stick that in your spreadsheet and hit that weird E thing that makes the numbers add up

her: chocolate?
her: jelly beans?
her: hello?
her: did you leave?

me: hey what are you wearing right now lol

A big break-up might happen because of how there were lots of liberties here in the typing chat and I took them.

Like one example of that is when she typed “jelly beans” in real life she spelled it “germy beens”. She better send that spreadsheet or I will be anxious all day to see those numbers, and columns, and etc.

What if she filled the eggs with gasoline people would be so mad. If you have any ideas about what to put in please do a contribution statement.

Here’s exactly how it will go:

1) I’ll send you an excerpt from my new book The Christmas Bridge: A Timeless Excitement Fable.

2) You read said excerpt on video to your animal or child. This is preferably a dog, [...]]]> Okay, so I’m giving away some media to celebrate my new book, etc.

Here’s exactly how it will go:

1) I’ll send you an excerpt from my new book The Christmas Bridge: A Timeless Excitement Fable.

2) You read said excerpt on video to your animal or child. This is preferably a dog, cat, or baby. You yourself don’t need to be on video unless you want to – just the receiver of the reading is fine.

NOTE: If you don’t have a dog, cat, or baby, you may use someone who’s willing to pretend they’re a dog, cat, or baby. I actually prefer this, and if they bark or go “goo goo ga ga” while you read to them, that’s even better.

3) You send me the video file via email to brian@turtlecalls.com.

4) I’ll put it online, adding a handsome www.christmasbridge.com thing at the end or overlaid in some fashion.

5) I’ll send you a hard or digital copy of the full book. If you’re a Kindle person, I’ll send you some money dollars you can use to buy the book. (It’s not out until October 4.)

I already have a few of these ready – I need to finish the book’s excitement website before they can go up.

Please note that the offer for a free HARD COPY is only happening if you email me by next Friday, September 24.

After that it’s digital only, because of how I hate going to the Post Office. I only intend to do that once.

If you’re one of the first 20 people to do this, I’ll also send you a copy of either Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, or Prelude to a Super Airplane, or my movie Who Shot Mamba?.

Maybe all of them – it depends on how many I have sitting around on that day and how angst-ridden I am about having to go to the Post Office.

Okay, so email me at brian@turtlecalls.com and we will do all of this – thanks!

There can still be sales and people can get their fancy new iPods they like to have so much.

Well when that [...]]]> Maybe one day when everything is better than it is with how it is now, they can get rid of Labor Day and just make more Christmas happen on that day.

There can still be sales and people can get their fancy new iPods they like to have so much.

Well when that happens people probably will sing Jingles Bells and read The Christmas Bridge to the kids before their time when they like to sleep.

Lots of people want to see this all go down in a way that is right now and one of those is @ebonwumon, who made this special excitement picture for me about the new book and that book is still a month away.

Good job for sure.

If you click it the picture will transformer into a bigger picture.

Are these two guys even the same guy anymore. We don’t know because of how the shadow is on the right guy and that’s an example of a scary mystery for the audience to solve.

I don’t have children that I got told about yet so until those cool confrontations happen I make do with other baby-daddy guys.

Well yesterday was a really special one because I pretended I had brand-new amnesia all [...]]]> Sometimes when Father’s Day comes I like to help celebrate with all the fathers I know.

I don’t have children that I got told about yet so until those cool confrontations happen I make do with other baby-daddy guys.

Well yesterday was a really special one because I pretended I had brand-new amnesia all day and there were things like this that happened:

Me: Oh no I can’t remember who I am.

Dad: Why are you acting like that.

Me: It is so scary being a blank slate.

Dad: I am not playing this game with you.

Me: Have I always had these cool muscles.

Then I would touch daddy’s face like I was blind even though I was laughing through all of that and it went on for three hours of me wondering how my muscles got on my skeleton.

After awhile Spider-Man 3 came on and I could not keep up the act and had to admit about how that one did not get gold stars for me.

Also Toy Story 3 gave my tears so many places they could go, like one of those places was all over my face.

BRAD RADBY’S FOREWORD
by Brad Radby

I think holidays are cool things to have happen at you.

Like I was born on July 4th, and fireworks always make me think, “Time to get out of the uterus!”

Okay let’s get real for you about the book. The story is a [...]]]> (Submitted without comment.)

BRAD RADBY’S FOREWORD
by Brad Radby

I think holidays are cool things to have happen at you.

Like I was born on July 4th, and fireworks always make me think, “Time to get out of the uterus!”

Okay let’s get real for you about the book. The story is a cool one and maybe you can find the Christmas meme Brian put in it so you can learn about yourself and how deep you can be.

That’s how we grow and save the poor people from those mosquitos the internet nerds are always complaining about. How come they can’t fix that one again?

LOL!

I hope you like the book when you do your reading with it.

Brad Radby
Augtember 46, 2023

Brad Radby is the two-time Academie Award winning director of Brad Radby’s The Exploders, among many other theatrical motion pictures. He is a survivor of the Super Airplane ride, and resides in Los Angeles with his wife Melinda.

After like 20 seconds, I came up with a good idea, and it’s called The Christmas Bridge.

Don’t get confused by my [...]]]> I was over at Kickstarter Dot Com helping support my friend Mike’s project, and thought, “Man, I should have something on here and people can give me money to do it.”

After like 20 seconds, I came up with a good idea, and it’s called The Christmas Bridge.

Don’t get confused by my filmmaking skills – this isn’t a movie project, it’s an actual physical construct.

It’s a real bridge I want to build – a unique bridge, even.

It is imagined and conceived as follows:

1) It’s a bridge that stretches from Cleveland to Columbus, Ohio – this is scientifically proven to be the most boring 200 miles to drive on Earth, and it needs an injection of bridge.

2) It’s always Christmas Day on the Christmas Bridge, and it’s always snowing on it, even in the Summer. Pipes help this happen.

3) This is the Fantasy Island of bridges – if you go on it and make a wish, it’ll come true in a way that teaches you a lesson about learning.

4) Nic Cage is always on the Christmas Bridge, and he’s sledding back and forth, and nobody can figure out how he makes his sled keep going, and he never needs to sleep.

5) Metal is what it’s made of and there are never any tolls except for stocking stuffers, and the stocking stuffers are iPod Nanos.

6) When people get to the other side of the Bridge, they get their Nanos back, but it’s not their own Nano, it’s somebody else’s, but it only has viral videos on it. This is to make everyone want to come back for more of the Bridge experience.

I only need $91,000,000 to build the Christmas Bridge and keep it running for the first month.

The equations I made say it’ll make enough in that initial 30 days to sustain itself.

It’s really important that the Christmas Bridge stay free, because of the Christmas part of the bridge, which is the whole bridge.

This was submitted to Kickstarter this morning, so we’ll see if they approve it.

(This is the type of post I throw together in 5 minutes that makes me register christmasbridge.com, ends up as a whole book concept, and ultimately results in self-hate.)

It was a simple and joyful, “EASTER IN YOUR FACE!”

They were three at the time – in retrospect, perhaps it was immature of me to do this to (for?) them.

Being that they’re almost four, it’s time to [...]]]> Last year, for reasons of my own, I taught my nieces a new mantra for Easter.

It was a simple and joyful, “EASTER IN YOUR FACE!”

They were three at the time – in retrospect, perhaps it was immature of me to do this to (for?) them.

Being that they’re almost four, it’s time to tell them how adults celebrate Easter joy with a new phrase, “EASTER ALL NIGHT!”

It’s not so much a phrase as a party anthem.

Imagine the Black Eyed Peas taking these words and turning them into a song, and you’ll get what I’ll be going for.

Like Fergie sings the first part and then Waylon or Wilbie or whatever their names are sings the after-shout portion.

EASTER ALL NIGHT! (EGGS)
EASTER ALL NIGHT! (EGGS)
EASTER ALL NIGHT! (EGGS)
EASTER ALL NIGHT! (EGGS GOTTA GET EM)

Like all their songs, that’s all there is to it, and it goes on for ten minutes and sells a zillion copies.

I’m told that last year EASTER IN YOUR FACE! came out at completely inappropriate times, and this is why I’m the best uncle ever, and probably shouldn’t consider fatherhood anytime soon.

Also, I like hockey now.

Brad says he’s been getting all [...]]]> I was gonna make a big deal about like doing a big redesign on the site for 2010, but realized I like the thing how it is. All I did was move the links for my books up a notch and add a page about the Radby book.

Brad says he’s been getting all this email asking “wtf” about whether he’s a real person or a fake person or a cartoon person, so I felt a need to clarify things.

The big news for 2010 is that I’ve found myself kinda into the NBA again. The Cavaliers are quietly playing quite well after a bumpy start, and there just seems to be lots of interesting things going on.

I get intrigued by things like Tracy McGrady having his sadness again and Gilbert Arenas being unable to shake the Curse of the Mamba.

In any case…some IM action, in lieu of actual content.

Brian: Why are you awake
Girl: Lol…sorry.
Brian: : /
Girl: : /
Brian: Have you ever had the cereal Blue Crunchos
Girl: I have noto. Is it tasty
Brian: Yeah and even crunchier than it sounds
Girl: Oh wow
Brian: Yeah
Girl: Cool well I’m glad we talked about that brian
Brian: Me too
Girl: Bye
Brian: Can I put this on my blog it is making me laugh

Also I’ve eaten two full boxes of Cold-Eeze in the past 48 hours.

Who Shot Mamba? Chapter 6 sometime tonight – keep an eye on the FB Page.

Here’s a little vid we threw together of Shadii doing the voice of Inflatable Ben [...]]]> Hey I will not be posting anything this week other than this – everything I’m doing this week is like super private and personal, and writing about any of it will make me have conflicts with how shy I am.

Here’s a little vid we threw together of Shadii doing the voice of Inflatable Ben in Who Shot Mamba? – this type of content is only available on the Facebook Page, so like go there or whatever.

If you’re going to be in the Atlantic Ocean for New Year’s Eve, please call my Google Voicemail number, and we can meet up and have a Spring Break Christmas.

Oh wow – that’s a great title for something. This is why I continue to blog – things like that just come out. Happy Holidays!

Also, Calvin Stadiums has been blogging over at Yardbarker for a couple weeks now, and look for some Who Shot Mamba? blooper reels on the Facebook Page this week.)

Some years back my mom started [...]]]> (Yes, I’m excited about the Google Phone. Rumored January release and supported by T-Mobile for once.

Also, Calvin Stadiums has been blogging over at Yardbarker for a couple weeks now, and look for some Who Shot Mamba? blooper reels on the Facebook Page this week.)

Some years back my mom started sending those “here’s what everyone is up to” letters with her Merry Christmas cards.

I immediately insisted on control over any part of the content that referenced me, so each December I submit my own section for her to include.

(My brother does this too – perhaps he can post the 2009 edition, as his are excellent.)

Alas, this is what I sent her over the weekend.

I’m still writing and acting and producing and trying to get new projects together.

I’ve never touched a guitar before. Also, I stopped using question marks this year for awhile. Isn’t that weird.

Oops! Lost my car keys again! LOL

Do you use gmail?

Your pal,
Brian Spaeth

P.S. My sole goal in writing this was to have my mother say something like, “I am not sending this!” and I guarantee she did exactly that after I emailed it to her.

Sent via my Blackberri Tornado II From T-Marbles
Movie – www.whoshotmamba.com
Twitter – www.twitter.com/brianspaeth
Facebook – www.facebook.com/brianspaeth
Website – www.brian23.com

P.P.S. Mom, make sure to include these links, cause like that’s part of the joke for this section of the letter.

P.P.P.S Also include all of these PS’s – including this one. These are also part of the joke.

P.P.P.P.S. Sorry for not taking your Merry Christmas Letter 2010 seriously. :(

I have to admit, I can’t see a day where I ever send Christmas cards or letters of any kind myself.

Like I get them from friends of mine who are married already, and I’m always thinking, “Why did you send me this and why is it signed The Jones Family? I don’t know what one of those is – why don’t you just email or call me? Yeah, I know I don’t answer my phone ever, but why did you get married?”

Do you or your family send these type of Christmas letters? Do you send Christmas cards? Do you believe in Merry Christmas Trees and why.