Since I don’t have the strength to actually think of anything else, I just had this conversation with my aforementioned sister.

Hey Kristen, guess what my favorite key is [...]]]> Me and my sister have both been home all week, and I’ve spent most of it with a lung condition somewhere between #bronchitis and death.

Since I don’t have the strength to actually think of anything else, I just had this conversation with my aforementioned sister.

Hey Kristen, guess what my favorite key is on the keyboard.

I don’t know – the smile key.

Nope.

The B.

No.

The #hashkey.

Try again.

I have to put my shoes on or I can’t go to the party store.

What is she talking about, and why wasn’t I invited to the party store.

Those are my nieces in the picture – are they going to the party store, too. Why are my lungs broken.

Sometimes I like to play around with Google and see what I can get high rankings in.

For example, did you know I’m #1 in Google for “texts to send girls” because of this post about charming texts to send girls?

You’d be shocked [...]]]> (My turtle Jeremy is having a cereal vacation.)

Sometimes I like to play around with Google and see what I can get high rankings in.

For example, did you know I’m #1 in Google for “texts to send girls” because of this post about charming texts to send girls?

You’d be shocked at how many hits that generates for the site, and then how many book sales it converts to.

Men (and lesbians) who don’t have a natural texting wit are an organic target demo for my writing.

Another group that possesses an organic love of my books are panic attack fetishists.

Let’s see how many of these terms I can be #1 in for Google by the end of the week.

Guy who loves panic attacks.
Are panic attacks bad for you?
When is the best time to have a panic attack?
Can anyone have a panic attack?
Best way to forget I had a panic attack.
Songs about panic attacks.
How to give someone a panic attack with pills.
Panic attacks from a cactus?
Grandpa is having a panic attack.

If you’re a kid who found this site by searching the last term, go ahead and call 911 and/or a psychologist – that’s the info you’re probably looking for.

Unless you were trying to put that on your Twitter, in which case you need to go to Twitter, and then type that in as a status update.

Check out this nice short film I made by accident.

The logical step in the downgrade process was Diet Coke For Men, and I did that for about a month, and now I am on Airborne, which is the most obnoxiously expensive [...]]]> When I stopped doing energy drinks because of how awful they made me feel, I needed something else to get addicted to.

The logical step in the downgrade process was Diet Coke For Men, and I did that for about a month, and now I am on Airborne, which is the most obnoxiously expensive Vitamin C you can buy.

Also it makes you do the best Tweets, and you do them early in the morning, and that’s so nobody can see them, and then you make them into a blog post.

if you soak in a cold bath of 5000 airbornes you become immortal @theairborneguy
6 seconds ago via TweetDeck

Can you see how fast I knew it was going to be a blog post.

That was six seconds, and even less if you’re using the Metric System.

Do you guys want to join Foursquare and keep checking in at the Airborne Immortality Tub with me.

It wasn’t a real kid – that can’t happen in email.

The kid was a kid in a picture, and I looked at it and got sad, and that’s because of the time [...]]]> I was doing email and got one from someone, and there was a kid inside who was jumping in leaves.

It wasn’t a real kid – that can’t happen in email.

The kid was a kid in a picture, and I looked at it and got sad, and that’s because of the time I jumped in leaves when I was a kid, and had a sneezing experience that wouldn’t stop being such an experience.

Mom made me come inside, and she combed my hair with her hand, and she was like, “You can’t do that anymore or your lungs will stop working forever.”

Death threats were a new thing from Mom, and I was pretty serious about keeping my lungs going, because I wanted to hear what my voice would sound like when I became a man.

Let’s go back to the start and how it gave me an idea for a nice new book, and I emailed the booty babe who sent me the picture so she could have a free reminder about my explosive creativity.

It is a children’s book called “Why Can’t I Jump in the Leaves, Too?” and it’s how a boy learns that even though he has allergies he can still have friends.

Good idea, even though it was fiction, and I know that from experience.

:(

Here’s how this happened – every good and iconic [...]]]> Ever since I Tweeted that I had gone to the doctor, and done a smirk with my face, and taken a picture of it, and promised to never show the picture anyone, the whole internet has been going crazy wanting to see it for free.

Here’s how this happened – every good and iconic picture has a nice story behind it.

When the doctor came into the office, he wanted to know if I was really taking a picture or if I was just having a Forever 21 Pretending Session.

“The latter,” I said while taking a picture of him with the Silent Pictures of Your Doctor App.

He fixed my ankle, and that’s the end of the story, and just like you wanted, it was free.

Maybe that flies in the face of the medical industry, but sometimes everything has to change.

Have you ever been to a doctor.

That was because this girl was making eggs, and they were the last eggs I had, and there were no more eggs for me.

The eggs [...]]]> I was having my sleep happen to me a few nights ago and when I woke up I was like, “oh man oh man what in the world”.

That was because this girl was making eggs, and they were the last eggs I had, and there were no more eggs for me.

The eggs she was making weren’t having a sizzle yet, so I asked if she could scoop them up and put them back in the shells.

“Make sure you turn down the heat first, so that you only get a first degree burn on your selfish fingers,” is one way I gave her an olive branch.

While she was reversing the eggs, I made her some oatmeal so she could have a nice breakfast and be fueled up for the day.

She doesn’t even have a job, so she didn’t even need all that energy – what a lazy dope with her nice butt and skin tone.

After she left, I noticed something had bitten me overnight and it had to be a spider, because who else bites like that, plus it doesn’t even itch.

My skin isn’t really that color – I made some Photoshop adjustments so that the bites would show up. Did you bite me.

This is because I am all into the Singularity, which is that point at which the machines can process and advance and create faster [...]]]> Sometimes when I am being at a party I start talking about how I better not do too much beer, because it will take time off my life clock.

This is because I am all into the Singularity, which is that point at which the machines can process and advance and create faster than we can.

Turn up your TruthBox – this is serious stuff and real talk.

Some people think the Singularity makes science fiction movies happen, and that’s true, but it’s not the mean science fiction movies – it’s the ones where people don’t get older ever. The meme is cells getting renewed, and hot fresh DNA, and don’t worry about your hair or athleticism taking a vacation, and etc.

So after those beer parties, people always email me and ask which pills they’re supposed to take, so that their body is still alive and primed for the Singularity Wave to pass over them.

This is my response, and it’s the right response.

Go to the Vitamin Shoppe and tell them you need “the pills that ensure I will not expire prior to 2045″ – if you don’t say those exact words, and also give them a DVD box set of iCarly Season 2, then they’ll know you’re a faker, and won’t show you the secret pill room.

Now do you know why you can’t find those DVDs anywhere.

How could you not believe this guy. Do you like pills – Jeremy does.

I don’t, but that’s okay.

See how casual it is in here, now.

To your right is what I put inside my face for a [...]]]> This is a casual blog now, which means it’s going to be really about how nice things can be if you have a soul, or even if you don’t.

I don’t, but that’s okay.

See how casual it is in here, now.

To your right is what I put inside my face for a healthy breakfast. Who knows what happens to it after that.

Our bodies are so mysterious. Let’s not worry about it – just be laid back about your biology questions.

1) The can of tuna goes into my face first. A can of tuna is actually fish. You can put the can in your face also, just don’t swallow it.

2) Next comes an apple, which is an indigenous fruit to America. You can’t get them anywhere else. That’s called living in the USA. Get your Visa and come on over.

3) Finally, inside my face goes the Rip-It Sugar Free Citrus Energy Fuel. I had quit energy drinks altogether, but ran into this at a nearby market, and had to try it. Don’t get hooked on those healthy synthetic chemicals! This burns going down your throat, so you know it’s good for you.

Maybe this helped you learn how to make your muscles happen. Maybe it didn’t, and that’s okay too.

Spring is on the way! You don’t even need Xanax to be like this. Just try.

Then I’d have to reply with, “But check out my new personal best [...]]]> You know I want to do steroids, but then I’d have to talk about it and my mom would be like, “No no no no why would you do that liver cancer no no no no what about your pancreas.”

Then I’d have to reply with, “But check out my new personal best in incline dumbbell reverse curls.”

Instead of popping those exciting pills and/or injections, I sometimes just go to the Vitamin Shoppe and grab a nice assortment of different bottles.

Here is one old favorite and new members of the pill family, and that’s my family.

1) L-Tyrosine – I refer to this as L-Gelus in my fiction, and it seriously helps you focus if you take like twenty of them at once.

2) Acai Extract – This is like drinking eco-organic apple cider or something. I just noticed that weird thing on the bottom of the letter ‘c’. I’m going to take it back and get the American acai that doesn’t have that so much.

3) C-2000 – This bottle has steroids in it, and nobody even knows because I scratched out the steroids and wrote “C-2000″ in that nice font.

Sometimes before I take all the pills I line them up like they’re having a little parade and do exactly what happens at the :28 mark of this turtlecall.

Sometimes you meet girls who aren’t looking to have a romantic situation – they just want to get better from their bronchitis problems.

The lessons never stop.

Does your phone [...]]]> The other day I showed you how I like to be so seductive with my texts about how I found some nature.

Sometimes you meet girls who aren’t looking to have a romantic situation – they just want to get better from their bronchitis problems.

The lessons never stop.

Does your phone have games on it.

Before I reveal the big business concept, let me tell you that it came from this Tweet by @milquetoast7.

@brianspaeth is everyone staring at [...]]]> I know everyone is crazy about getting out to make a vote for freedom tomorrow, but instead of building new libraries so much, maybe this is a better idea.

Before I reveal the big business concept, let me tell you that it came from this Tweet by @milquetoast7.

@brianspaeth is everyone staring at you brushing your teeth
via web in reply to brianspaeth

I don’t remember what I said to instigate that, but I was probably brushing my teeth where there were other people around.

Hahaaaa I just typed “remember” like this: remembemebemebebemer. I couldn’t stop.

Oh man.

So the idea is really clean, high-end, private toothbrushing kiosks. They’d be like in places where I would use them, which is everywhere.

Are you going to vote on the library bill and get that new library in your area or not.

Final stats for Spaeth Day are tomorrow, and you can still go buy the $2.99 books to GET THAT BIKE.

Sedation was one thing that happened at the [...]]]> I was spending time being cool in the hospital yesterday getting my face screws tightened, so I don’t know how many jokes are out there.

Final stats for Spaeth Day are tomorrow, and you can still go buy the $2.99 books to GET THAT BIKE.

Sedation was one thing that happened at the hospital, and the way they did it was a cool combo of Xanax and Valium.

There was a bottle of each, and the nurse asked, “So what does a couple beers do to you? Like how many beers would it take you to be drunk?”

At first I was like, “So what kind of music do you listen to?” in my man voice, but then she explained she was just trying to gauge how many pills to give me so I was juuuuust short of unconscious.

Here’s where it got weird, because I couldn’t well explain the number of beers I could drink without sounding like a complete degenerate.

(For the record, I barely drink at all anymore.)

In the end, I created a distraction, swallowed all the pills from both bottles, and everything went fine.

The distraction was a magic trick where I made one of the other nurses ask a doctor if he’d seen Avatar yet, and then no matter what his answer was, she was supposed to kiss him on the cheek and make a rooster sound.

#magic

A lot of people ask me how I got to be so big time. lol

No [...]]]> (Hey check out the fun you can have with your 170 new friends over on Spaeth Day, which is tomorrow on Facebook – click the pic to make it bigger, and read the words, and etc.)

A lot of people ask me how I got to be so big time. lol

No for real – sometimes people are like, “what’s the first thing you ever wrote?”

I usually don’t like to show it to anyone, since the truth is it was the pilot for House.

In a case of irony or karma or whichever one that is, once the producers stole it and sold the show to Fox, they cast an older version of me as House himself. Here’s the entire spec script.

That was the whole show – as I conceived it, they were these 1-minute shows with 29 minutes of commercials.

There’s how I got my first agent.

Go to Spaeth Day – we gotta get those bikes for Kiana!

I don’t even know what a blipfm is – is that the one where you’re like, “shoo-doopy-doo, here is my music” on Twitter.

Look at that preview and how my watermark pal is being obnoxious at people.)

A lot of times on [...]]]> (First things are first in the house and that’s that my new famous website about THE CHRISTMAS BRIDGE is open and there is an excerpt from the book there and it’s a 25-page excerpt.

Look at that preview and how my watermark pal is being obnoxious at people.)

A lot of times on the weekend I make my weekend visit to the doctor to make sure my levels are right for the new week, and that’s so on Monday I can be like, “everything is all set for the week!”

The big health controversy this time was one maybe you heard me file a complaint about on Twitter and yep that’s my shoulder and how it’s itchy and that’s not from a buggie bite.

Also it just happened one time but it was like three months ago and I can’t stop forgetting how terrible it was and how much I had to scratch it and that was so much that I passed out.

Doc said to go on the internet and look for answers and also he said my cholesterol and blood pressure are having an interesting time deciding which is the more perfect facet of my personal biology.

If you’re scratching your left shoulder then you can expect unhappiness. If you’ve got the urge to itchy your right shoulder though then this is a sign that you will receive money in the form of an inheritance.

Left, right, left, right, left is an Army chant. lol

Yeah so time to get a new doctor because of how I want one who can give me definitive answers about who won between the cholesterol and blood pressure and maybe one who will bother to ask why my resting heart rate isn’t in that contest.

Is that true about shoulder itches and money dollars – please advise.

Now my life is different so don’t look away.

It’s like when I found out about QWERTY keyboards and maybe you remember how much I had to go to [...]]]> I was having fun with my GoBot friends and one of them was on Twitter and said stuff and I said stuff back.

Now my life is different so don’t look away.

It’s like when I found out about QWERTY keyboards and maybe you remember how much I had to go to the gym to work that one off.

Time to get started on my conversation with @joqatana.

I said the first thing that’s why you have a read at that one first.

This girl I know makes her own lotion out of milk, crushed almonds, yogurt, oatmeal, and hair conditioner.
about 4 hours ago via web

@brianspaeth all she needs is the hair conditioner. It works on skin
about 3 hours ago via Seesmic

@brianspaeth Look at it this way- hair is skin. Wipe n, rinse off in shower. Having said that, I still buy moisturizer…
about 2 hours ago via GoTweets

@joqatana what.
about 1 hour ago via Twitter for Android

@brianspaeth yup. look it up. Hair cells are skin cells.
about 1 hour ago via Plongaroo for People

Well after that I was like, “hey GoBots go home guys to your moms and dads and have some pizza this is bad news,” and so they did that after they turned into airplanes and one guy turned into an airplane that was bigger than the other ones and also he was the leader.

So there it was my time to be alone and scared and not thinking about all the skin growing out of my head in ways that were weird and it was like a movie where a bad guy comes and he tells you about the skin-hair connection and it’s dark out and you aren’t hearing it.

The leader Gobot’s name was Taps.

So that goblin with all that big boy hair knowledge keeps saying it until you cry and then gets he in the bathtub and he does that like a goblin because of how he is a goblin. Once he’s in there he goes down the drain and the credits to the movie are making ghost noises about how your body is so gross to have projectile skin that never stops happening.

This is maybe bad news for my @SuperCuts pals because of how they are being cutting enablers so much.

Like on the cartoon the hero kids do their wind sprints and the mosquitos are like, “Hey kids. Come in here to our junction because there is a nice lake to run by [...]]]> Well my running happened at Mosquito Junction and that’s not like the TV show at all and maybe that’s their trick.

Like on the cartoon the hero kids do their wind sprints and the mosquitos are like, “Hey kids. Come in here to our junction because there is a nice lake to run by and you can have your emotions because of how beautiful it is and we’ll teach you to spell. Also, hello.”

Well in real life it is a long con and they just want to take bites of you and the bites are mostly on your legs and there are 40 of them that you can see.

The only way to fix that is to make your internet start working for you and you can pay it with nice hugs maybe.

One of the most effective home remedies you can use is banana peel.

Get the peelings of a banana and rub the inside part to the affected area for a few seconds up to a minute. Swelling and itching almost always immediately disappears. Put the banana in the fridge or make a banana milkshake so that the fruit will not go to waste.

Thanks for that good job tip on how not to be a wasteful guy who is also a cool stud.

Also it worked and I smell like bananas and that’s a haha moment because of how I had so much itching I did that right in the grocery store and also when it didn’t work fast enough I tried a cantaloupe and some non-salted Rold Gold pretzel rods, so maybe it was the trifecta that did made my itching stop.

One of the words they teach on Mosquito Junction is door.

Another one that is an example for that is when London got the Olympics for 2012 and that’s the year after next still at this [...]]]> You know I love to make @Supercuts happen to me and whenever I do that special things happen like usually that thing is a cool dude haircut.

Another one that is an example for that is when London got the Olympics for 2012 and that’s the year after next still at this point.

Well yesterday I went and was like, “Hey how about one of those SuperCuts if you have time because I have money dollars and can pay for it with them”.

So the cutter is using her scissors on my head and then she starts to do her slick sales pitch to wash my hair and that’s a new one so I get my laughing all over my face and fall for her con job because of how her face was pretty and she threw a smile and also her voice.

That was some real talent because I thought she was on the other side of the room and was still chopping up my hair at the same time.

Big Ben, Parliment. lol

The hairwashing started happening to me and I was laughing again because of not knowing how to have my neck be and because I kept doing questions about whether she had found any dirt yet.

Also there was a head massage and the shampoo smelled like mint and I was saying how that flavor is called Christmas Breeze Waves or something.

When it was done being time to have a haircut she gave me a tip and that was a victory for sure and after the tip was in my pocket for awhile I bought a DVD download of Gotta Find Nemo with it.

I like to take cool pictures that are neat with my Android phone and inside the phone there’s the Vignette App and it lives in the phone and makes your pictures have different ways they can become pictures.

One of [...]]]> Here comes some technology for you to have fun learning about and also some art.

I like to take cool pictures that are neat with my Android phone and inside the phone there’s the Vignette App and it lives in the phone and makes your pictures have different ways they can become pictures.

One of the ways is a setting that is called “Action Movie” which for sure is the one for me and this is how it works. First I did a button push to make this picture have its birthday.

It seemed pretty good but then I put the dial on the Action Movie setting and it transformered the picture a little, and then even more it gobotted the picture and then here’s what I got.

This guy isn’t getting his cap sunburned either – keep those glasses on!

Also here is one with the Romance setting.

The 23 is for Michael Jordan and how he is a real-deal alpha dawg with courage about how to make his legacy appear.

I’m usually craving popcorn and steak at all times.

My instincts tell me just to leave that be and go away.

The truth is I’m thinking of running this long race in Las Vegas this October and they call that a marathon if [...]]]> So here is something my sister said at me in email.

I’m usually craving popcorn and steak at all times.

My instincts tell me just to leave that be and go away.

The truth is I’m thinking of running this long race in Las Vegas this October and they call that a marathon if you need to know.

This quote was from Kristen Spaeth training protocols. She’s been running these marathons for years now on her legs.

Running long distances is something I hate by nature because of my ADD and also my sprinting and jumping muscles.

I dunked this weekend – it was a basketball and that’s a way for you to know how much explosive power I carry in my legs still.

If the marathon falls through the high jumping contest is in Vegas that weekend and also some restaurants. Check Yelp or Google Maps and you can find them.