A gchat I had about four minutes ago:

lovetessa3: hey.

me: what’s up

lovetessa3: hey whats up? 23 FemaIe here. you?

me: lol

My experiment in SEO for “panic attack questions and comments nobody would ever search for” from the other day put me on Google Page one for all ten of my queries in under a day.

It was unrelated, but I tweeted the following this [...]]]> (I looked this slim and blurry/enigmatic before Thanksgiving.)

My experiment in SEO for “panic attack questions and comments nobody would ever search for” from the other day put me on Google Page one for all ten of my queries in under a day.

It was unrelated, but I tweeted the following this afternoon:

i bet i can be #1 in google for “can the pawn stars guy fly” by tomorrow – does anyone want to race me with their blog lol
25 minutes ago via web

Connor Huchton took me up on the challenge so I’m committed to go for it.

I’d link to his site, but don’t want to give him SEO-juice that could sabotage my effort. Let’s see how this comes out on Monday.

Is there anything you’d like to see me #1 in Google for.

There are few things I like more than hearing from my old Who Shot Mamba? friend and director Dustin [...]]]> (For anyone that follows my ongoing technology strife/obsession, I broke and got the Droid Razr – it was free on Amazon today and I can’t wait for the Galaxy Nexus anymore.)

There are few things I like more than hearing from my old Who Shot Mamba? friend and director Dustin Pearlman.

Google Voicemail Transcription mangled his Happy Thanksgiving Message, as below.

Hey. So this is Dustin, I gotta fight started, but is I can. Or is it you now. I’d love to tell you in person But I’m like out see it.

So I guess.

Try me back, we’ll try to connect. Worst case, all the place that the other stuff but anyways, hope you’re doing well at Thanksgiving, and yeah yeah.

I’d listen to it, but I don’t want to ruin the idea that he got into a Thanksgiving fight and really wants to tell me about it in person, and yeah yeah.

Sometimes I like to play around with Google and see what I can get high rankings in.

For example, did you know I’m #1 in Google for “texts to send girls” because of this post about charming texts to send girls?

You’d be shocked [...]]]> (My turtle Jeremy is having a cereal vacation.)

Sometimes I like to play around with Google and see what I can get high rankings in.

For example, did you know I’m #1 in Google for “texts to send girls” because of this post about charming texts to send girls?

You’d be shocked at how many hits that generates for the site, and then how many book sales it converts to.

Men (and lesbians) who don’t have a natural texting wit are an organic target demo for my writing.

Another group that possesses an organic love of my books are panic attack fetishists.

Let’s see how many of these terms I can be #1 in for Google by the end of the week.

Guy who loves panic attacks.
Are panic attacks bad for you?
When is the best time to have a panic attack?
Can anyone have a panic attack?
Best way to forget I had a panic attack.
Songs about panic attacks.
How to give someone a panic attack with pills.
Panic attacks from a cactus?
Grandpa is having a panic attack.

If you’re a kid who found this site by searching the last term, go ahead and call 911 and/or a psychologist – that’s the info you’re probably looking for.

Unless you were trying to put that on your Twitter, in which case you need to go to Twitter, and then type that in as a status update.

Check out this nice short film I made by accident.

I now realize the entire exercise may have been some kind of triangular form of performance art, with one of the angles being getting a reaction out of mom.

mom: Your blog post has [...]]]> After my admission of falling for a $150 Image Matrix IM-911 Scam, my mom hit me up on gchat.

I now realize the entire exercise may have been some kind of triangular form of performance art, with one of the angles being getting a reaction out of mom.

mom: Your blog post has left me speechless….

me: why do you use four periods what is wrong with you….
me: mom i really had a brain freeze
me: like i knew exactly what was happening the whole time

mom: Why didn’t you just get in your car and drive away?

me: i dunno they were really nice lol

mom: Crooks aren’t NICE! arggggg
mom: Next time you have $150 burning a hole in your pocket, send it to me!

me: I actually was going to put it in an envelope and mail it to you yesterday afternoon is the funny thing
me: the way i see it it was gone anyway
me: if it wasn’t a black market home theater it would’ve been a black market pair of jordans or a year’s supply of target advil off the black market

mom: What is wrong with you….

me: i love the black market lol

mom: Somewhere we went wrong with you two….Remember the time I found money in Kristen’s wastebasket at home? It had a bunch of crunched up money in it. She threw the bills away because they were WRINKLED!

me: do you still have those bills anywhere i want to spend them

In the end, it’s all fine. I got to have a nice chat with my Mom, made some new con-artist friends, and further reinforced that I can’t take care of myself yet.

Besides, when I get to make stuff like this, how can I possibly complain about my life.

Hi Brian, Spaeth This is Crystal and I’m just calling you soon. The ones that So instead I should call the the trouble call of guy, and I said yes. I probably should call him. I wondered if he helping at. Right now [...]]]> You better need it because of how it is so accurate.

Hi Brian, Spaeth This is Crystal and I’m just calling you soon. The ones that So instead I should call the the trouble call of guy, and I said yes. I probably should call him. I wondered if he helping at. Right now I’m trying to hunt and you know i’ll stop laughing. We’ll talk to you and I was wondering if you could say both like it says that shirt and that Jericho and. I work.

Everyone please start taking a comma-induced pause when stating my full name, especially if you are a hunter named Crystal.

When she gets the kill is when she stops laughing, and I know it.

Sometimes on Google, when you type something in, the nerds who made up Google will play a fun real-time game with you, where they try to do a guess about your search.

Like if you type in “Brian” the [...]]]> I was being on Google, and that is a search engine that maybe you know about.

Sometimes on Google, when you type something in, the nerds who made up Google will play a fun real-time game with you, where they try to do a guess about your search.

Like if you type in “Brian” the first option is “Brian Spaeth shoe size” because everyone wants to know that.

I am popular in Russia and South Africa.

Another good one is what happens when you type “what does it mean”. Yep, look at that picture – what all the Russians also want to know is what “going ham” means, and hip hops, and shoulder dust, and etc.

Check out the urban dictionary definition and you can see these excerpts and more about knowing your “going ham” lingo.

You going ham tonight?
Nah, I got finals tomorrow.

Verb. To go crazy, all out, like a bro.

Joc admits most people may not even know the term’s origin.

upgrading from bologna

You aren’t supposed to go ham before a big test, because you will forget the answers.

Now I am going to type in “does Jay-Z” and see what happens. What will you type.

It means all of your music lives in heaven, and you can get it from anywhere if you have your internet with you, and it’s a big mystery.

Just have good circuits in your car.

After I [...]]]> I got one of the invites to Google Music, and that’s like Music but for Google.

It means all of your music lives in heaven, and you can get it from anywhere if you have your internet with you, and it’s a big mystery.

Just have good circuits in your car.

After I installed a program on my main computer, the Google Music wizard found all the music in there, and put it on a slide that took it to Google.

It comes with free Kriss Kross.

Now you can get your Bon Jovi anywhere, even if you’re already at a Bon Jovi BBQ. That’s such a great franchise – they are all over now.

It has stereo sound – do you like how much I was dancing after it was set up.

I was having my sleep happen to me this weekend when someone (i.e. this person) called my mobile telephone.

I don’t have a non-mobile telephone so what else would they call. Stop asking questions and [...]]]> (There might be more helpmecats at my tumblr or it might go the way of the lolhelicopters.)

I was having my sleep happen to me this weekend when someone (i.e. this person) called my mobile telephone.

I don’t have a non-mobile telephone so what else would they call. Stop asking questions and just let the story embrace you.

Here is the Googelle Voices transcript of the message.

Hi Brian, this is Chris like I’m calling you because I figured I owed you one for the last time when you called me when you were drunk and now I’m drunk and I’m calling you and I’m walking home and I’m not walking over bridge, so I guess that’s not quite as cool but still, it’s quite possible that I could perish on this walk home and I thought you’d appreciate it.

There are so many layers to this message. Let’s count them.

1) It was to my mobile telephone.

2) He was not on a bridge.

3) There was a chance he could die.

This is exactly how you get people to call you back – the “how is he going to die if he’s not on a bridge” question is just too compelling. I can’t think of even one other way to die.

I didn’t call back, despite this. I wonder how Chris died. Do you have to bring wine to a funeral or is beer fine.

Yesterday’s post that claimed my blog is 65% about girls brought up a lot of internal issues.

About noon yesterday I looked in the mirror for a long time, thought about all that I am and all that I know, and ultimately decided I couldn’t [...]]]> (Look at Jeremy thinking he can fly awwwww.)

Yesterday’s post that claimed my blog is 65% about girls brought up a lot of internal issues.

About noon yesterday I looked in the mirror for a long time, thought about all that I am and all that I know, and ultimately decided I couldn’t wait to get that new HTC Sensation when it comes out.

Still, it was time to test the theory – maybe even disprove it. As such, I picked a random chat transcript from gchat, with the intent to show how I can write about other things.

me: 5 dollar foot long!

Kristin: hhaha whaaaat!?!?!

me: it’s the subway theme

Kristin: that i know, lol
Kristin: what are you doing

me: writing what are you doing

Kristin: cleaning my apartment whoops

me: that’s fun
me: what do you wear for that

Kristin: booty shorts and a tank top

me: are you just saying that because that’s what you think I want to hear

I know what you’re thinking, but look beneath the surface.

The subtext here is much deeper, and touches on society, and shoes, and etc. Plus, this Kristin is my business partner, so that doesn’t even count how you think it might.

Try to be more deep maybe.

Also, why is that a whoops on her cleaning her apartment – was she doing that on accident. This post may have even more layers.

You can handle it.

I want to do it again today because everyone loves knowing about people’s breakfasts. Just listen to the chatter around you and you can hear that everyone is asking each other what they had.

Another thing [...]]]> Maybe you think you can’t handle more breakfast posts, but you are wrong.

You can handle it.

I want to do it again today because everyone loves knowing about people’s breakfasts. Just listen to the chatter around you and you can hear that everyone is asking each other what they had.

Another thing is that I forgot to add that I take vitamins and eat two pieces of gum. Those gums have good nutrients and you want to get them in your tummy to gestate for the next seven years, so eat them up.

Extra Spearmint is a good choice because of the extra calcium. That’s why they call it Extra.

Time for gchat.

girl: im going to the grocery store
girl: want some food?

me: Yais
me: Get me some tuna and raisons

girl: haha okay

me: Make sure they are the kind in the red box with that lady on the front
me: I used to tell girls that the red box lady was my grandma and then they would want to kiss me

girl: okay i’ll brb
girl: im getting you coconut water too

Nobody sells that, which means she is doing that thing where you get all sweaty on your knees and knock open coconuts with a rock and then like get the milk out. Then I guess she takes the milk part out so it’s just water.

She must really want to help me a lot.

me: I miss blogging
me: I have had lessened time the past few weeks : /

Daniel: im sure youre ok
Daniel: [...]]]> Hey I haven’t made a blog post happen in like a week and that was a big topic on MSNBC last night and also in this gchat with @bohnlein.

me: I miss blogging
me: I have had lessened time the past few weeks : /

Daniel: im sure youre ok
Daniel: moonroids!

me: waiting for a star to fall! come into my arms! oh yeah! oh yeah baby yeah!

Daniel: I love that song

me: hahah I know me too
me: Wasn’t it in the credits to some movie
me: like the Money Pit or something

Daniel: wtf

me: cool this is my blog tomorrow

Yep that’s how much of a blog this blog is not right now. Hoping to find my place that is a grooved place next week.

It’s just all this turtle business and also owning this real turtle has made my free time take a vacation for the woods.

Sorry for being so inconsistent on the blog website writing.

Also Twitter is another place my presence is having a minus sign, and then one of these >.

Okay, the whole equation is this, and that [...]]]> (A guy did this to his head and sent to me – that would be a great tattoo.)

Sorry for being so inconsistent on the blog website writing.

Also Twitter is another place my presence is having a minus sign, and then one of these >.

Okay, the whole equation is this, and that will tell you where I have been so much.

turtlecalls = $$ > blogs + love (gchat – weightlifting)

Yep, my busy is happening to me with so much intensity that now I am not even going to post my own gchat, but someone else’s.

She is a real babe and she will maybe tell you who she is if you ask her, but you would have to find her first.

guy: uh, do you know someone in the 209 area code?

babe: I know a turtle

guy: … WHAT WAS THAT?
guy: i guess i offered 6 units of european work for 13 peanuts?

babe: I paid $15 for that
babe: hope it was worth it

guy: you paid $15 for that?

babe: yais

Why does that guy put those spaces in his dot-dot-dots. lol

Didn’t he go to 4th grade where they teach you that.

Interesting news soon about the all-new turtlecalls, and also life, and other stuff, and etc.

That was a good sentence, especially with how there were no commas.

So after I finished being like, “oh man, that [...]]]> I woke up this morning and fell out of bed because of how when I opened my eyes I got scared and started crawling away like a monster was going to get me.

That was a good sentence, especially with how there were no commas.

So after I finished being like, “oh man, that hurt my shoulder,” I reached for my phone to look up how to make my shoulder stop hurting.

My phone was telling me one thing, and that’s that there was a big update for it, and it wanted it really bad.

Well, I tucked in my phone and told that little buddy to hang on, because I was going to get some water and then go for a run, and when I got back, we would get him his new booty software.

He was grumpy, but finally we got Android Gingerbread inside him, and now he’s faster and has a black toolbar.

What a day so far.

I am a great photographer.

After we went back and forth about that for awhile, I was like, “Okay, the gchat can happen. Sounds fun.”

Check out how much [...]]]> I was being on gchat and getting ready to do some cool guy stuff, and then this other guy was like, “hey I want to do a gchat with you.”

After we went back and forth about that for awhile, I was like, “Okay, the gchat can happen. Sounds fun.”

Check out how much of a gchat it became.

Guy: MR TURTLE! I know i have harrassed you more than anyone else. Is there ANYWAY you can use that radio voice of your right this instant for the call?

me: I mean I could but it wouldn’t get recorded
me: I’m in a hot tub store

Guy: FIne, I really dont care
Guy: Mareill XXX XXX XXXX

me: is that Mare – ee – ell

Guy: she dones know herself hahaha
Guy: its a combination but that souds good rnoguh
Guy: enough
Guy: Sorry, im still do bent from last night
Guy: So*

me: that’s fine
me: although now this chat will probably be on my blog hahaa

Guy: HA! That too is fine. Can you correct the spelling mistakes? (Knowing full well this too will be posted)

me: yais

Guy: Do it. Now.
Guy: Can i wear a cape in your blog?

Even though there are two new kinds of turtlecalls having their big debut tomorrow, turtlecalls-on-demand is not one of them.

You need to be bent from last night for that, and then you have to put on a cape and gchat me in my face so much.

It was with a girl, because who would use gchat to talk to boys.

HER: not strawberries? turtles like strawberries

ME: turtles like hamburgers

HER: yesterday was half off hamburgers at [redacted] and it smelled all hamburger-y and everyone was eating hamburgers

Well, she was like, “Oooh, you care about saving the mosquitos. [...]]]> I was in a T-Mobile last night being like, “Hey, how did my minutes plan get down to 500/month when it used to be unlimited, and now I owe you like $900 that I’d rather spend on mosquito nets for Egypt or whatever, right.”

Well, she was like, “Oooh, you care about saving the mosquitos. How did you get so deep, and look at your nice eyes.”

I paused and gave her a look like, “You know I’m gonna save every last one of those little guys, babe,” and then cracked my neck and like made may shoulders go up and down like my muscles were going crazy!

The problem was solved, because she hopped right on with the T-Mobile Command Center and was like, “Fix this guy’s situation,” and they did that, plus they backdated it to 2008.

That means she gave me all the money from the store because of how I’d been paying too much for three years now.

Try and make that happen with your iPhone at the Verizon store.

Who is an alpha dawg today.

I was talking on the phone with someone yesterday about making a huge business deal about how they were going to give me like $50M and then they would [...]]]> (Google sent me one of their free CR-48 booty prototype notebook computers with the Chrome operating system for free and now I like it.)

I was talking on the phone with someone yesterday about making a huge business deal about how they were going to give me like $50M and then they would just not ask about how that was going for a few months.

Maybe even years. Take some risks, Jennifer!

The woman was like, “Oh hey, maybe you don’t understand that $50M is all I have and if I give it to you then I can’t pay for my mortgage on my boats and private airplane and also my house. Also I have to eat crepe omelets so much.”

Not sure how to respond, I made a sound like, “DING DING DING!” and then started laughing.

She didn’t know what was going on, and was like asking what was going on.

I explained that if she were really listening to me, she could hear in my voice how what I wanted the money for was more important than her needs, and she could start eating McDonalds hashbrowns more and private homemade crepe omelets less.

Also I would pay for her to move into the Days Inn out of her $50M, and she could pay me back after the thing I was using her money for was turning a profit.

It worked, and now who is a real wheeler-dealer.

“Make sure you’re creating a lot of energy around her, and tune into that.”

“Yeah! Yeah!” exclaimed the Bachelor. “I’m gonna use tonight’s cocktail party to talk to these women.”

How is the Bachelor gonna create his energy shield at the cocktail party.

Doesn’t he need to be [...]]]> “Bingo,” said the Bachelor’s therapist.

“Make sure you’re creating a lot of energy around her, and tune into that.”

“Yeah! Yeah!” exclaimed the Bachelor. “I’m gonna use tonight’s cocktail party to talk to these women.”

How is the Bachelor gonna create his energy shield at the cocktail party.

Doesn’t he need to be in his lab.

Why is he so nervous, and where did he get that accent. Get to the lab, Trent.

“Jamie gave me some invaluable advice tonight – make these women feel comfortable.”

Good job using your degree, Doctor Jim.

The Bachelor’s belt is on inside-out.

Who let him go on TV like that. lol

This was my 600th post on this dot com – what a memorable gem of an entry.