If you don’t remember when it was yesterday and a couple business guys were sharing conversations about the big $10/hr deal then go look at that.

I was playing spy games at them and that was a fun read and there were 614 Diggs at it with a new fark website.

Here it comes again but at a different place and also it is just one guy and another guy and that guy is on the first guy’s phone and it’s a mobile phone.

They call those a “moving telly” in Europe and that’s a clue about this guy maybe.

clancey here chop a lingo the first one left my card in the uk

no i left my card in the uk thanks

rope a dope junction about that i left my card in the uk

trains mate

Okay so at this part I did an interruption meme and asked for some retalking and that happened after a look that was like “oh are you making dot coms aboot me conversation, laddy”.

So it kept going is the lesson and the talking was louder so my ears could get to it in a way that was better.

sorry rope a dope that’s yew kay not uck

After that part a major babe in a denim blue jeans dress came to the Starbucks and I made a move for the Spaghetti Warehouse Date and that happened.

I am at there right now and what a stud I am to be like this already.

Do you believe in miracles.

Well the truth is I’m in this Starbucks and that’s a place for buying coffee and snacks that are pretentious.

When I got there a weird customer at the counter was getting done telling the working girl that she should be a model and she did bulimia at that part of his creepy story.

Here comes the exciting part so get ready.

After I traded money for water and the water was in a bottle I sat down and did some eavesdropping on these guys and they are guys that are a couple tables down.

These are the parts that I heard and it was like this that I heard them.

hey mark how’s it going I just did a pirouette so we’re all set up

if you go to the reports tab we’re all set up

now go to quarterly tax preparation we’re all set up

go ahead to the biroway that should be set up get a screenshot of yourself so I can verify your information is correct mark

sure sure hourly rate booty what it’s ten an hour can you put that in real quick mark great tabs tabs tabs that’s the future mark i love you

Oh man this should be a whole dot com blog and that’s for sure maybe it can be called The Overheard Wrong On Purpose Businessmen Blog On the Real.

I like things that are popular and also pretty girls are another thing I like.

Do you like that same stuff if so keep reading here comes more blogs. lol

You know I love to make @Supercuts happen to me and whenever I do that special things happen like usually that thing is a cool dude haircut.

Another one that is an example for that is when London got the Olympics for 2012 and that’s the year after next still at this point.

Well yesterday I went and was like, “Hey how about one of those SuperCuts if you have time because I have money dollars and can pay for it with them”.

So the cutter is using her scissors on my head and then she starts to do her slick sales pitch to wash my hair and that’s a new one so I get my laughing all over my face and fall for her con job because of how her face was pretty and she threw a smile and also her voice.

That was some real talent because I thought she was on the other side of the room and was still chopping up my hair at the same time.

Big Ben, Parliment. lol

The hairwashing started happening to me and I was laughing again because of not knowing how to have my neck be and because I kept doing questions about whether she had found any dirt yet.

Also there was a head massage and the shampoo smelled like mint and I was saying how that flavor is called Christmas Breeze Waves or something.

When it was done being time to have a haircut she gave me a tip and that was a victory for sure and after the tip was in my pocket for awhile I bought a DVD download of Gotta Find Nemo with it.

Some Android night vision?

And this is where our business pal stuff happens and you know that too because we run that ship in a way that is tight.

Well enough is enough because our texts were celebrating These United States of America and its birthday it was having and I even turned off the way I type now for that to happen.

Me: America

KB: 411

Me: Whenever I’m leaving to go do something will you look at me and say “go get ‘em hero”

KB: Are you asking me to marry you

Me: Yes like next week plz

KB: But I’m not brunette…what will your fans think

Me: We can dye your hair or I can have a press conference explaining my position or both

KB: Can we do the latter?

Me: Sure and will you be backstage with me and say “go get ‘em hero” before I walk out for the press conference

KB Obvs

Me: Can I put this on my blog

KB: No

Also that last part was a part where in real life she was like “Yeah sure lol” but I wanted to make some drama happen like if I made a confrontational blog post for you.

Is that a breath of fresh air.

(Sometimes I do a text with @iamboney and it makes his battery become sleepy.)

Okay so I thought maybe it was time to tell the excitement story about the time I made a booty babe think I only knew about 500 words that I could say.

I was at a movie watching place and before the movie started the double date was ending. It might have been a just-friends date – I don’t remember.

The girl was sitting there and I told her about how sometimes I read interesting things to make my brain do hard work and there was one thing about how people who were average knew 17,000 words.

Then my sad face was on my face and that was because I said I only knew 500, and I knew that because I’d tried to list them all.

Well, that was when some skepticism was happening to her, so I started my list over on some paper I had in my pocket and did on-purpose stalling at around 30 words.

“Well, I’m out of words,” was what I said and put a look on my face that was like being dumbfounded.

“Four of those words aren’t on your list,” and she pointed out that I hadn’t listed four out of those five by saying that to me.

“Hey, did you know that grape popsicles are colder than the other ones?” That was me talking again.

“Those were a bunch more words, and no.”

This went on until the movie started and then some more after the movie was done being on the screen.

I never let go of my dumb guy game I was playing, because that’s pretty much how I am all the time anyway.

Also my girlfriend would’ve been in a mad place with her emotions if she had found out about my triple-word-score dumb guy blind movie date.

Now I’m a new man don’t worry.

(I sent this to a friend lasterday, and I thought it was so useful as a legal document template, I asked her if I could put it here, also.)

The following shall constitute the full and complete agreement between Brian Spaeth (MALE FRIEND) and [redacted] (FEMALE FRIEND).

On this date, April 13, 2010, both parties agree that they shall become BEST FRIENDS.

As such, the following EVENT shall be executed in full, naturally and without further explanation or reminders:

1) On a tri-monthly basis, MALE FRIEND and FEMALE FRIEND will engage in beer conversation for an extended period late into the night and accidentally KISS on purpose.

2) Upon conclusion of said KISS, MALE FRIEND will execute a dramatic EXHALE and back away at a moderate pace no more than four (4) feet with a “I am surprised but c’mon this was inevitable” look on his FACE.

3) Once MALE FRIEND has stopped his backward motion, FEMALE FRIEND will put her hand over her mouth and almost cry for a split second, then pick up her MOBILE PHONE and call [redacted] (BOYFRIEND).

4) No less than 20 seconds into the MOBILE PHONE CONVERSATION, FEMALE FRIEND will mention in an awkward yet casual fashion that MALE FRIEND has been in the hospital with BRONCHITIS for three (3) days.

5) During this CONVERSATION, MALE FRIEND will open a carton of MILK, take off his SHIRT, and go drink MILK in the middle of a RAINSTORM.

NOTE: If no RAINSTORM is happening, both parties agree to act as if there is a RAINSTORM.

6) At the conclusion of her CONVERSATION, FEMALE FRIEND will run into the RAINSTORM to find MALE FRIEND, but will only find the empty MILK carton crushed on the sidewalk, and also his wallet and a brand new LOLLYPOP.

7) Neither party will speak of the EVENT until the next time the EVENT is due to occur, at which time the EVENT shall be repeated, but without referencing that a similar EVENT has happened before, AND NO TALKING ABOUT IT.

Both parties agree that the EVENT is done in the best interest of both parties, as well as all associated parties, including but not limited to BOYFRIEND and [redacted] (MOTHER).

Signed and Dated:

If you haven’t noticed, I’m a Lost enthusiast, and based on this week’s episode, I’m now positive of how it ends.

I took to IM with this anonymous “Girl” in order to lay out my theory.

Since this is just an educated guess that uses my charm and intelligence to happen, it’s technically not spoilers.

Brian: I loved when claire was trying to kill kate and sayid was just watching like “hmmm that is interesting” lol

Girl: Omg claires wig kills me everytime

Brian: It’s like they just set it on her head
Brian: And like also kate’s wig

Girl: Is it a wig?

Brian: Yeah she keeps it in her backpack
Brian: We never see it I just think it’s there

Girl: LOL
Girl: Lol omg

Brian: That’s how the show ends

Girl: We finally see the wig

Brian: She puts on a blond wig and swims away
Brian: Hurley is like “who’s that” and charlie’s ghost is like “dunno mate some blond lass”

Girl: Lol does charlie pop up from the water or is he on land

Brian: He’s sitting on Jacob’s shoulders – it’s the twist

Girl: Oh ok

Brian: I know you hate when I do this but this is very much going on my blog lol

Girl: Uuughhh lol

I asked her afterward to hop on the phone – I needed to confirm that the last thing she said there is indeed pronounced, “Ooooog-hehhhhh”.

It is.

I’m pretty sure my current run of Dick Vitale Fatheads are gone, but keep sending the ideas – I may get more, who knows.

(To your right – from the cover page of what I am writing at right now.)

A lot of people ask me the classic “what kind of music do you listen to” question when they’re trying to date me.

This is not info I disclose readily – it has to come out in an organic fashion.

For example, from the following, try and figure out if I listen to the 3 musicians named in the title of this post.

Brian: Hey soul sister is on again wtf
Brian: Who sings this I hate it so much

Girl: Train
Girl: Lolol

Brian: Its so girly lol
Brian: Like is Girly Rock a genre now

Girl: Oh mon brion lol

Brian: I blame the Goo Goo Dolls – they started this back in the 90s lol

Girl: Omg themmm

Brian: Hey Jealousy!

Girl: I love that song!!

Brian: when did that come out
Brian: I think it was like 94?

Girl: I don’t know brian I was like [redacted] then

Admittedly, there’s a lot more interesting stuff than musical taste happening in that exchange, such as relationship-based math.

Here’s another go at music.

Brian: Lolol that Pink song “I’m comin up” is on

Girl: Oh god lol

Brian: I haven’t heard this in a long time
Brian: It’s terrible lolol
Brian: Everybody’s dancin and they’re dancin for me!

Girl: Horrible

Brian: I’ll be your operator you can all anytime, I’ll be your connection to the party line!

Girl: We should remember what year it came out and then use that to compare our ages again

Brian: : /

Last one.

Brian: I was at this party one time and Coldplay came on and this dude LOVED them like in a really hipster/snobby way and I kept saying they were originally called Coldburst
Brian: He made me go read their Wikipedia page he was so pissed
Brian: And I was like “yeah they must’ve had it taken off so nobody would find out”

Girl: I don’t believe you

Brian: You weren’t even born yet when they were Coldburst lol

Seriously, Pink has been famous for almost a solid ten years now. I’m trying to think who she compares to historically – like how will she be remembered 20 years from now?

I don’t thunk her music has really transcended anything, but obviously they still play it now and then, and she’s been in the cultural zeitgeist for a good chunk of time.

What does zeitgeist even mean – I’m in over my head again. Did I just call Pink a Nazi?

(The WSM? YouTube channel was finally approved a few days ago – go see how nice they look over there. Chapter 5 should be out late tonight.

Also, if this picture makes you laugh, we will probably get along great.)

I pride myself on being like famous Snoopy drawer Charles Schultz. He said that “writer’s block is for amateurs”.

Imagine my raw, savage shock when I read back this IM chat transcript that I was involved with. I’m the one labelled “Brian” – that’s like my IM alias or something.

Girl: What r u reading brian. Should I leave u alone lol

Brian: I am writing now

Girl: Ok

Brian: It is a book that I am writing

Girl: Sweet. How far along are you

Brian: I have three words left – just gotta think them up
Brian: Kinda stuck

Stinks, huh?

What should I do, and can you please finish my book for me? Just throw some three-word combos out there.

Here’s my big problem with the 2009-10 NBA season – why didn’t LeBron’s people get on Sports Illustrated about how they picked an image that made him look kinda wimpy for their cover issue.

I bought both these mags, but haven’t cracked either one – probably won’t. That’s okay – it’s the thought that counts, plus it’s Cavs over Lakers in the Finals, provided Shaq can stay healthy and Delonte West isn’t locked up somewhere.

I feel so confident in this prediction that I’ll even admit I accidentally typed “Lakers over Cavs” in the previous sentence before I caught myself.

Also, not to bring up old wounds, but can we finally all agree that Joe Dumars isn’t that great of a GM. @iamboney confirmed that the big-money Detroit free agents are coming off the bench.

Anyone could’ve told Joe – and many people did – that those guys are perfect 4th scoring options on a good team.

Now to the important stuff, and in conclusion – here’s some IM action from lasterday. “Girl” is totally her real name, as well.

Brian: Ilu
Girl: Ok omg. Ilu2. Byeee
Brian: Lol
Girl: Don’t laugh at meee
Brian: : /
Girl: Ughhh
Girl: A-hole
Brian: Thx ttyl
Girl: I threw up lol
Brian: Lol can I put part of this on my blog if I don’t say it’s you lolol

NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA

How ready are you on a scale of 1-10. Also, what are your most profound, personal, and/or private NBA predictions.

While most of my time this week was spent in anticipation of Surrogates, one portion was spent buying shoes for @jenn85 on Twitter.

A lot of stuff happened and then happened some more. The end result of a long story was the following:

How tumultuous is that.

I’m not one to air my personal problems in public – I’m much more into promoting my numerous fake marriages – but this was tough on my heart.

And I’m talking about the one that has feelings, not the much more machine-like and functional organ.

What do you think about everything on Earth.

So here is some information:

1) My Mac is down for the count, which means I have a hot date with the Apple Store this afternoon. If they can’t immediately fix it, I’ll be like, “Oh man! C’mon, try again.”

2) This non-Mac-having is severely crippling, and pretty much couldn’t come at a worse time, considering the WSM? site is supposed to open tomorrow, and the first teaser is out next Tuesday.

3) I like to talk about my computer problems in a public forum, so that other people will have sympathy, and then like they will tell all their friends about how strong I am in the face of the ultimate adversity.

3a) I bought a houseboat over the weekend, and now I live on it with my hot new wife, who I just met. She was the one selling the houseboat, and I was like, “Hey, do you come with the houseboat – ” and then she was like, “Yes,” and then I was like, “Man, that seems like a weird deal – do all of the houseboats at this water vehicle store come with hot girls to marry – ” and she was like, “Yes.”

4)If you look in the sidebar there, you’ll notice I’ve written a new (free) book, and also provided a backdoor into the the WSM? site.

5) If this first technology crisis wasn’t bad enough, I was in the local T-Mobile Action Center over the weekend, and found out I’m not actually a free agent until JUNE. (I thought it was November.)

What’s the worst adversity you’ve ever faced, and on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being “toughest”) how tough were you in the face of the adversity from the first part of the sentence.

Also, do you think if they renamed them T-Mobile Action Centers, that more people would switch to T-Mobile, and why or why not.

(Don’t forget the WSM? Facebook Page – it’s the only place you’ll be able to access the first teaser next Tuesday.)

(If you wanted to let the Orange Roundie invade your personal Twitter space in support of WSM?, this is now entirely possible.

Check out @mfeige (who is pending due to Twitter hackage) and @NDEddieMac.)

There are many things that have been consuming my time this week – including putting together the @Brandi88 entries finally, and doing this interview with Canadian–person MCM.

More than anything, however, I’ve been scraping my hands against coarse objects trying to figure out where Beyonce’s career will stand in 2015. Ongoing icon of sorts like Diana Ross. Fallen idol like Whitney Houston. Constant reinvention like Madonna.

These are all possibilities, and with the rapid advances in gene therapy, it’s possible she could just be exactly like Beyonce in 2009, who just by chance, is exactly like Beyonce from 2006 and 2003.

What can’t be denied is that Beyonce has left a mark in music history because of Bootylicious, and whenever my girlfriend sings me a lullaby, this is the song I ask her to choose, along with all of the following:

1) Da Doo Ron Ron, The Crystals
2) Wild, Wild West, Will Smith
3) Welcome to the Terrordome, Public Enemy
4) Baby I Need Your Loving, The Four Tops
5) Big Empty, Stone Temple Pilots
6) Monday, Monday, Mama and the Papas
7) Sk8ter Boi, Avril Lavigne

I let her choose the order, but I threaten a permanent break-up if she doesn’t lullaby me each and every song in full.

What songs would you want to have lullabied at you if you were dating my girlfriend. Where do you think Beyonce’s career will be in 2019.

(Follow me on Twitter here, and befriend Calvin Stadiums on Facebook here.)

(Don’t forget to go do the @Brandi88 Coloring Contest – this is the only way you’ll win the $15 bills signed by Tara from T-Mobile. This one is by @trrbl.)

Hey, so I’ll bet you think I forgot about all those questions and requests you submitted, didn’t you.

Let me tell you something – just because I’ve forsaken the question mark, doesn’t mean I don’t follow through on stuff, especially when the next query in line only has seven words.

From @robgokeemusic:

1) What happened to your wife, Kellie Simpson?

This is a great question.

I have no idea – I’m going to invite her over (via her Twitter) to this post to answer for herself, and that way I’m not accusing her of being Lex Luthor about the whole thing.

In other news – against all possible scenarios – still with my girlfriend. I’ve tried every possible way to make this not work, and it won’t stop working. Thus, two questions:

1) Happiness this pure doesn’t suit me – what can I do to get her to end this.

2) Do you think I mailed in this post and why.

No time for anything lengthy today, so here are some contrasts in style in the @Brandi88 Coloring Contest. As a judge, I think it’s only fair for me to give an idea as to how I might judge each of these.

From @gelfing1220 – via computer. It’s excellent, vibrant, and alive. A slight wink/nod to Christmas. Highly skilled work – one of the first that was submitted, and really kinda blew me away. 24/25.

Next, from the infamous @mfeige. This is raw, savage work, done with an animalistic verve and passionalistic enthusiasministicism. Perhaps it was done in the mountains, among wild animals. Perhaps at a podium.

Primitive tools. There’s a life in this piece I need to cling to. 25/25, or…if you write “I Heart Gobots” on Brandi’s stomach it’s totally a bonus point for me. Other judges may feel differently.

I think there are 14 entries turned in so far, with over a week to go yet. I said in my head I’d consider it a success at 30, so I’m pretty happy.

Which of these do you like better, and why.

(If you have no idea what’s going on, read this post for the lowdown on the Coloring Contest. Ends 7/31, which is next Friday.)

(There’s no way the picture to your right can end well, yet I’m sure something entertaining will come out of it. She knows I think all of this, also. This is why that status update rarely happens.)

So this is the first in the 13-part series of “posts by request,” which resulted from GOt’s backlash against my content.

Whether the entire run is completed is unknown – as TVBrain pointed out, it’s simply not likely. Let’s start with Becky, my female-internet-BFF for all time.

5 questions for you, because you’d rather discuss yourself than anyone else:

Hahha this is so true. I don’t even know my girlfriend’s middle name yet, but I asked her to get mine tattooed on her forearm, under an anchor that also has my middle name on it.

1) To date, what has been your favorite memory of airplanes, or your favorite memory of thinking about airplanes, or your favorite memory of remembering thinking about airplanes?

You’re correct that my brain works in this way. I was just thinking about this one time I was on an airplane, and while I was on the airplane, I was thinking about another time I was on an airplane. Against all odds, each memory of remembering superimposes the residual memory. It’s like I’m playing telephone with myself.

2) All-Star 1-on-1 2009: who wins? You may not use LeBron James or any variation of him in your answer.

Calvin Stadiums, clearly. And Becky, why exactly haven’t you challenged him to a game in his How Badly Would Calvin Stadiums Beat You in 1-on-1? Facebook group?

Thanks for giving me that opening btw. How’d you know I’d need it when you emailed these 8 months ago…?

3) You’re allowed one cosmetic surgery for the rest of your life…until the end of time, even, and only one. One singular procedure, no “botox every 3 months once I turn 40.” What is your one chosen surgical enhancement?

Genetic Rehab and Haltation Synthesis.

This basically resets your genes to a given age of your choosing, and freezes them there. Pills and nanobots maintain it. This will actually come to pass – I believe within the next 25 years.

4) You hate dogs. Due to some zany sitcom-esque development, you have to partner up with a dog to solve mysteries and be best pals. What type of dog do you choose? What do you name him? How long until you learn to love him, learning a valuable lesson on canine loyalty and companionship? Or does this not happen unless he saves your life? Does your answer change if the dog talks

This is so funny, because I would choose these dogs:

5) Why do you cut yourself?

Teen angst.

When Genetic Rehab and Haltation Synthesis is released to the public, what age will you physically rehab yourself to and why? Will you name your nanobot, or just refer to it by its serial number?

(Follow me on Twitter here.)

UPDATE: I’m in surgery Friday morning, so there will likely be no post. While I’m gone, please give me your best @jerryricetwo impression about anything.

(My Shaq-to-Cavs thoughts are the first comment.)

My favorite person on Twitter, @jerryricetwo, went and saw Transformers 2 what seems to be at least 14 times yesterday, and I’ve reprinted some of his his Tweets/thoughts here.

@anguaa I BEEN AT GOBOTS 2 ALL DAY!!! LOL!!! mah tummy hurt from all dese popcorns

SHIA GO TO BOOTY COLLEGE!! LOL!!! DAT BOOTY GOBOT DOPE!!!! wanna do kissin on dat gobot

THEM GHETTO GOBOTS TRANFORM INTO BABY DADDIES?!?! WHAAAAAAAAATTT???? goin see dis again

@CraigSharp GOBOTS 2 DA BOMB!!!! LOL!!! word up bro

@cjrider HEY BRO WHERE DAT DELETED SCENE WHERE GHETTO BOTS PLAY HOOPS?!?! LOL!!! on blueray word up

@trilby_dare YO YOU WANT TO GO ON DAT KISSING DATE WIT ME

LOL!!!! brb

DEM GHETTO-BOTS DA BOOOOOMB!!! DONT GIVE DEM NO BOOKS!!! LOL!!!

KING KONG AINT GOT NOTHIN ON OPTIMUS!!!! LOL!!!! go shia get dat booty babe omg lookit DAT BOOTY smh

@cascandar YO YOU WANT TO GO ON A ICE CREAM DATE WIT ME

OMG NOW SHIA AND BOOTY BABE IN TROUBLE – GOBOTS IS MAAAAAD!!!! move yo bootys!!!! LOL!!! best movie

NOW MORE GOBOTS?!?!? LIKE FIDDY GOBOTS IN DIS MOVIE!!!!! LOL!!! denzel lovin it too

@cascandar GIMME DAT SLUSHIE IN A CUP!!! LOL!!!

SHIA LOOK OUT LOL!!!!! omg more gobots comin?????? LOL!!!!!

@19jms CHAD AINT GOT NOTHIN ON SHIA AND DEM GOBOTS!!! dis da best movie wtf

@alexiskn GIRL DIS MOVIE SOO GOOD!!! ALL DEM GOBOTS GOIN CRAZY ON DIS BOOTY BABE!!!! LOL!!! goin get mo popcorns brb

SHIA LIKE DAAAAM GOBOTS I GOIN TO CLASS NOW STEP OFF!! LOL!!! so good

@DrewGooden YO WHERE DAT MOHAWK GO??!? GIMME BACK MAH CELLY!!! missin yo birfday

I like everything he says here, although I have no idea if I agree with any of it with regard to the movie. There were lots of attractive girls at Shia’s college – that’s like so true.

Did you see Transformers 2? What do you think about Shaq-to-Cavs? Would you go on an “ice cream date” with me if asked?

(Do a nice thing for yourself and check out the first 55 pages of my book, Prelude to a Super Airplane for free by clicking here. WORD UP.)
(Follow me on Twitter here.)

Because of all this social networking, I’m having long-distance, non-consummated relationships with somewhere between six or fourteen or thirty-seven girls.

A few of these have gotten pretty serious, having gone so far as to include phone calls and going, “mmmmm-mmmmm…we’re kissing mmmmm…” into the phone.

This happens before and after the calls, but not during them. Sometimes there aren’t even phone calls at all, but still fake kissing sounds, and we text each other so we both know that it’s happening.

Anyway, one of these girls crossed the line yesterday, asking me not once, but several times, to send her pictures of myself without a shirt on. (I know she’s reading this, so like I guess this is my official response.)

Now look, I’m always game for something that might be deemed odd or hilarious, but for her this wasn’t a joke – she really wanted them, and she wouldn’t let it go.

I was just like, “No, c’mon, that’s messed up. Who does that? Don’t wreck our strange and semi-fake relationship.” Seriously though – she wouldn’t stop asking, and I finally just hung up, and then sat in the car, wondering what had gone wrong, and who I was inside, and doing long division. I slammed my hands on the steering wheel because of a stray remainder.

It was a 4.

I asked these things because I wanted to know the answers, and I ultimately decided I’m simply not a guy who feels comfortable emailing shirtless pics of himself to hot internet babe non-girlfriends.

NO MATTER WHAT.

Have you ever emailed shirtless pics of me to someone? Or maybe you emailed them to yourself from an alternate account? Have you gotten shirtless pics of anyone from someone you only know on the internet? Or maybe pics with shirts on, and you know the person in real life, and you don’t have their email address, but plan to get it maybe in a few weeks?

Do you use gmail?

Just post links to every picture you’ve ever emailed or received via email.

(Connect with me on Twitter here.)

(This is @kelliesimpson, my first Internet Wife.)

I don’t know if stuff like this goes on in like Second Life or those other online community games, but as all this social networking gets more real world, ie people are online who they are offline, I’m convinced there’s money to be made somewhere in the concept of Internet Married.

Whether it be a venue for heavy flirting as it is now (I’m Internet Engaged to at least 5 girls), or an actual non-legal but formal arrangement wherein you can only be internet married to one person at a time, there’s just something there.

For example, let’s say InternetMarried.com had like a lot of traffic, and the gist of it is that two people (who met on Twitter or wherever) decide they want to get Internet Married. It’s submitted to the community for a judgment, and then like some kind of something is issued.

(Naturally, you have an offshoot site called Internet Divorced.)

So like someone go run with that and get rich off of it. I think the real money would come when a real marriage came out of it, and then you started doing talk shows and writing books, pretending you’re some kind of relationship expert.

Oh – another idea I have is called Nuclear Internet, which is like the regular internet, but nuclear, and everything has like plutonium dripping everywhere. I don’t even think you need to issue judgments or have a central website for this, so like you could get started like immediately.

Thoughts on all of the above?

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here – it’s available in paperback, or iPhone/Kindle for only 1.99.)

(In the picture below, @alexiskn shows the first and second best uses for my book – as a placeholder for real books, and as the Tobey Maguire to her Joan Allen home.** You can see that it’s already infected that sad-face copy of Lord of the Flies.)

I was on IMDB looking up information on Robert Downey Jr, and came across 2006′s The Shaggy Dog. From the message board:

I saw this movie about six months ago on a field trip. The only reason that I chose this movie was that I only had four options. There was this girl from my group that was laughing every five minutes. Clearly she has no taste. Anyway, did Tim Allen have to be naked? I mean, what is so wrong with a dog with clothes on?

Someone follows up by pointing out that dogs don’t wear clothes. It turns into a heated discussion about who’s more stupid, and the scientific logic of a human turning into a dog in real life, and whether said dog would wear clothes or not.

This all brings me back to late 2004 or so, a time wherein I didn’t have a blog at all, and occasionally did background work in TV and movies.

You see, I spent about two weeks on The Shaggy Dog, and if you listen really closely, you might hear myself and some girl (as “Courtroom Gallery Members”) screaming, “OH F–K!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA GET AIDS!!! AAAHHHH!!!!!” when we were supposed to be “confused and a little surprised” regarding Tim Allen barking in the middle of court.

I’m not actually onscreen there as more than a shoulder, but I did make it in during the restaurant scene, when Kristin Davis is stood up by her naked dog husband. I’m the guy in the v-neck sweater fake-eating salmon. The twist is that I real-ate five plates of that stuff, and that’s because I was hungry.

I’m sure I have a ton of stories like this, but I’ve largely blocked out the +/-6 months I spent doing background actoring – it’s an awful way to spend time, although highly educational with regard to how sets work.

You can also meet lots of girls, and learn the delicate art of not committing suicide after spending a day around little kids who have better careers than you.

I’ll be at the doctor this afternoon, and will do my best to Tweet the entire thing, as mentioned the other day. First person to correctly guess what the appointment is for wins their own colorful and lifesaving copy of PTSA.

**Reading it is actually the tenth best utilization of the book.

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