Below is such a case, and while I’m sure you’d love to know the context this statement was made to me in, I can’t tell you.

The simple fact is I copy/pasted this into [...]]]> Sometimes I’ll get thrown for a true loop by an email or gchat based off something I wrote, said or did.

Below is such a case, and while I’m sure you’d love to know the context this statement was made to me in, I can’t tell you.

The simple fact is I copy/pasted this into a blog post draft earlier this week, and now have no recollection of what instigated it.

no one in the world is less romantic than you

no one no one no one no one no one no one no one no one no one

you do such whimsical things but wonderment isn’t something you feel very often

Here’s where I got thrown – I’m not sure of the exact difference between whimsy and wonder.

The way I see it is like if a tree started glowing and sprouting oversize apples that could talk, I’d be like “bleh-blugh-bleh-blugh-bleck” and making silly whimsical noises to call more attention to myself, but at no time would I be like, “Well, isn’t that something wonderful. Magical even. Let us take in the moment, and be awed by that which Professor Apples has granted us.”

See, I can’t even get through the pseudo-wonderment without making a whimsy-statement that ruins the entire point.

I think she meant that if Dr. Who and House had a baby, that would be me. Is this what she’s saying?

(Also, if you wrote me this please remind me what made you say it thx.)

i see. so the puppy gift is fine for you then – she’s not even poisonous. she is brown.

If you’re reading this – and I know you are because I’m sending [...]]]> I need to excerpt a line written to me in a recent gchat to emphasize just how serious I am about something.

i see. so the puppy gift is fine for you then – she’s not even poisonous. she is brown.

If you’re reading this – and I know you are because I’m sending you the link in gchat right after it’s done – I am dead serious.

Do not get me a puppy of any kind for Christmas. Not a little one, a big one, or an adult one.

We’ve been through this a zillion times, but I do not like dogs. It’s not a sight gag when I wrest free of your hand and leap into traffic to avoid dogs on sidewalks – that’s an instinctual reaction to being in the presence of a canine.

Further, I am not lonely living by myself. Allef is good for companionship, and my turtle – who I never have to come into actual contact with – is also here.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m trying to save us both a lot of trouble, and I also really want you to get me a new Macbook Pro. You can even make it brown and poisonous, as long as it’s the 15-inch model. That and a dog costs the same, I think?

How much do dogs cost.

(Or buy 100 copies of The Christmas Bridge: A Timeless Excitement Fable, that Christmas book I wrote last year. I just remembered I should be marketing that around now. Only $2.99 on Kindle.)

The flu has captured me, and I’m writing this after a bottle of Advil and some Theraflu.

It’s possible what I’m about to explain didn’t even happen and/or I’m misremembering, but I was just given soup and told a story about a children’s book.

The tale horrified me [...]]]> (My view, in this moment.)

The flu has captured me, and I’m writing this after a bottle of Advil and some Theraflu.

It’s possible what I’m about to explain didn’t even happen and/or I’m misremembering, but I was just given soup and told a story about a children’s book.

The tale horrified me more than my own body betraying me, which as you can imagine, is quite offensive.

This is what I remember.

1) There are two brothers – one is the older one, and the other is named Super Garbage.

2) Super Garbage eats the older brother’s turtle, and the mom buys him a dog as a replacement.

3) The turtle dies.

4) None of this is even the main part of the book.

It did come out later in the conversation that this was more of a 4th grade level thing than a picture book for toddlers, which is what I initially thought.

My cold sweats started around there, and then I was alone again.

Does any of this make sense.

The hardest part about this post was deciding whether the preceding text needed inclusion, or if mine was funnier without any context.

I realize the other text also lacks context – stop being a nag and [...]]]> I never thought one of my texts could top that one about leaves, but this happened today.

The hardest part about this post was deciding whether the preceding text needed inclusion, or if mine was funnier without any context.

I realize the other text also lacks context – stop being a nag and enjoy the holidays.

If I had all my texts still I’d have so many. lol

(Additional debate was had over the “lol” at the end of the previous sentence. I know you think I don’t put thought into this stuff, but I do.)

(I hope this doesn’t pull the curtain back too far.)

(There’s been much agony over all these parenthesized paragraphs. #moses)

Now I am caffeine-free, except for a pill in the morning before my gym experience.

Time to do gchat.

girl: hey hey have you tried this monster [...]]]> You probably remember how I used to be addicted to energy drinks, and how I downgraded to Diet Coke, and then to Crystal Light Green Tea.

Now I am caffeine-free, except for a pill in the morning before my gym experience.

Time to do gchat.

girl: hey hey have you tried this monster rehab yet?
girl: i love it i’m bringing you one on wednesday

me: how many calories

girl: same as the low carb – i think that is 20
girl: omg #angst re your counting calories you prolly count mine too

me: like is it post-workout or something

girl: it is a tea + lemonade drink – it is not carbonated – and it has electrolytes regular monster doesn’t have but it has all the energy/caffeine/taurine etc etc things monster has

me: does it burn the throat though
me: i like the burning
me: i like to feel myself being damaged

girl: it does not burn at all
girl: you love drinking iced tea you drink it constantly bds

me: that’s true
me: man i am complex
me: hey wait a second you are tempting my addictions wtf

Let’s see if she really tries to bring one of these drinks, and don’t think I didn’t notice it’s called Monster Rehab.

That’s some real irony and I am going to count all her calories for sure now, and I’ll shake my head like, “Oops, too many.”

People were asking me all day yesterday for advice about how to make their chickens, because I guess I look like a guy who knows [...]]]> (My website is still a mess – hopefully will fix by the weekend. In the meantime, I am shopping for new banner pictures – do you like this one.)

People were asking me all day yesterday for advice about how to make their chickens, because I guess I look like a guy who knows how to make birds turn into food.

Then this stud @BlazeWR15 started asking for advice, and it wasn’t chickens, but still it was about protein, and that’s kinda chickens.

@brianspaeth since you are a person of mass knowledge, do you have any tips on how to get larger man type muscles? #FitnessTweet
15 minutes ago via Twitter for Android

After that @girlnextdior1 asked me if she could start asking advice.

@brianspaeth need your help! You seem wise and godly!
13 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Her question was about how to give some chickens to charity, or how to go to a concert or something.

How can I monetize this thing where everyone thinks I’m so smart – do you need to know anything about the different kinds of chickens.

Ask away.

At one part of being there, this guy came up to me and gave me a hug, and was like, “I really like your hat.”

It was a just [...]]]> After my NFL football game experience, we went to the celebration bar and talked about how nice it was to see such a real victory.

At one part of being there, this guy came up to me and gave me a hug, and was like, “I really like your hat.”

It was a just a normal hat with a Wahoo Chief on it, and I thought it was weird he liked it so much, and how he kept squeezing my shoulder, and trying to bite my neck.

LOL!

I was like to my friend, “Hey, why do you think he liked my hat,” and he was like, “He liked your hat,” and I was going, “No, I am asking you why do you think he liked it,” and he goes, “Well, he liked it a lot,” and I said to him that he was no help and shoved him on the ground.

He hit his head and started having a healthy bleed, and that is ironic writing because bleeding from your head is not healthy at all.

One must wonder what became of that guy, and if we are still friends, and how he got home.

What a fun day, even though my hand has a sunburn, and it’s a bad sunburn.

Also I can’t tell you about the booty babes but that was fun too, and I put my hat on sideways at that part, like in that one movie everyone likes.

Brad Pitt didn’t invent math, so just stop it. #Moneyball

Go ahead and use a hashtag.

The picture is a picture of that.

Now I know what you are thinking, and it’s two things. I will put the questions you [...]]]> My phone has a loose part in the charger end that means I have to create a pretty exciting thing so that it can have its charge happen to it.

The picture is a picture of that.

Now I know what you are thinking, and it’s two things. I will put the questions you have and then the answers.

Q: How did you take that picture of your phone when your phone was trapped under your Tide with Downey.

A: I did that with my iPod Touchy 3-D.

Q: Why do you use Tide with Downey when you could just use regular Tide.

A: That is a good question. Time to think about my life some more.

If you have any other questions about my phone charging situation, or also about how to write compelling blog posts, or about what I would do if my girlfriends had a pregnancy happen to them, leave it in the comments.

Stop pretending that isn’t super interesting to you – how can you not be wondering which country I would flee to, and whether establishing that my phone could lose its charge while away from home isn’t setting up my entire escape from becoming a male parent.

Like I could be a politician and go, “Well, my grandfather fought in World War II…” and go on for 4500 words about that before making the point, which has nothing to do with that.

Did you hear I like to do Twitter.

It’s true, and that is not even my dark secret.

We are about to get deep again, so hang on.

Sometimes I make a Direct Message happen to someone I know, and other times [...]]]> (Thank you @milquetoast7 for placing webinars in my head.)

Did you hear I like to do Twitter.

It’s true, and that is not even my dark secret.

We are about to get deep again, so hang on.

Sometimes I make a Direct Message happen to someone I know, and other times I do not know them as much.

That is called Variety of Friendships, and maybe you can take my $40,000 webinar to learn about that, and it is trademarked, so don’t front.

I sent all of these DMs last week.

hey a turkey just came in here

call me a comeback i been here for years lol

band brome chabba mix mix smh [note: oops i said this everyone]

hey my last tweeter was supposed to be a DM to you – it is the band brome one – plz write back

go buy my books wtf

hi yoo r pritty lol

what is your name again lol

out of printer paper

oona wanna wookie chewbacca haha funny when he does that right

That was only 9, even though the headline says 10.

Title/Number Deception is also in my webinar, but it is in the Overtime portion, and that costs an extra $10,000. Since it is overtime there is a referee there, and he will blow a whistle when the webinar is over.

Do you go to stores ever – please answer below.

lol….the funny thing is how many of those you ACTUALLY had/have! I liked it very much – you’re very likeable in this one

We can discuss her use of four periods instead of three another time.

Thanks to a person filling in the secret form on the secret website, I got a reminder, and their virtual check payment for 99 money dollars should be on the way.

Time to print more certificates.

I have a hard time making my sleep appear when someone else is in the bed.

Like this weekend I had to be like, “Hey Jenny and Katie, stop kicking each other – we are all supposed to be friendly here, plus I [...]]]> (Follow @IamDonCheadle on Twitter – he heard the turtlecalls…!)

I have a hard time making my sleep appear when someone else is in the bed.

Like this weekend I had to be like, “Hey Jenny and Katie, stop kicking each other – we are all supposed to be friendly here, plus I am trying to sleep.”

Haha I am just joking – Michelle was there too, but she didn’t want to be in the blog post because of her boyfriend finding out, and yelling, and etc.

For real, I am always hyper aware of the other person(s) – their breathing and movements drive me nuts, plus I feel on an instinctual level that my breathing and movements might be driving them nuts.

That’s the worst part because we all know how selfless I am.

LOL!

Another thing is like if they’re not moving, then I think maybe they caught sleep apnea, and I don’t want to catch it from them.

What ends up happening is I pretty much stay as still as possible and think about how I might be able to make morning get there earlier.

As for this past weekend, I decided – as I have many times before – to sleep on the floor. That’s the living room floor, since Ashley was on the bedroom one.

Also we made popcorn and watched movies. Do you like sleepovers.

There was a huge argument this weekend with a booty girl about my writing process.

She was even stepping on my foot during the two-step because I kept saying that even in my new book I [...]]]> (Here is the sweat factor from my run this morning. Note that I live in an aquarium now.)

There was a huge argument this weekend with a booty girl about my writing process.

She was even stepping on my foot during the two-step because I kept saying that even in my new book I am writing, I felt comfortable paying homage to movies, but not to other books.

When we did the tumble-dip, she was like, “Whyyyyyyyyyy!! It’s the same thiiiiiiing!” and I would just like wink in a way that meant, “Nope”.

This morning on my hot and sweaty run I decided to answer her via email.

I’ve been thinking about why I am willing to crib from movies but not from books, and have determined it’s because I feel comfortable knowing with film where the line is between a nod/homage and just ripping someone off.

I’m not as well-read in lit and thus don’t feel secure that I have a gauge for that.

So I made an email to the babe and her email address is iheartbrianspathe@gmail.com, so maybe give her your thoughts on where that line is, and then also if you know where it is.

Be that hardcore novelist you are.

Here is her response, and it came in a handwritten note from a doggie. It was in his cute little mouth, and he had a tag that said his name on it.

Well that makes perfect sense. And I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to figure it out rather than just dismissing it as a legit question.

Well the joke is on her, because I did dismiss it as a legit question. I only answered it because it was a nod to The Hunger Games.

Now you know more about how I write and also how I create different blog posts so much.

Do you live in an aquarium. Yes or no is fine, plus some extra info so that it’s more interesting than just yes or no.

@kerrimello do you want to riot together – I know where all the best water and ipods are
23 minutes ago via TweetDeck

That brought a thought to [...]]]> I was talking to @kerrimello on Twitter about the pending rapture this Saturday, and how we might best team up during the riots.

@kerrimello do you want to riot together – I know where all the best water and ipods are
23 minutes ago via TweetDeck

That brought a thought to mind – what will I actually grab when the rioting starts.

It won’t be water and ipods – I just mentioned those to entice Kerri’s recruitment. I have no idea where they keep those.

This is probably my list, in no particular order:

1) Envelopes When all of the computers get smited, we’ll need these to pay our cable bill.

2) A Pen Then I can keep my blog going on the back of those envelopes. I’ll just have to also note on there that after the cable clerk processes my bill, they should pass the envelope around the room, so everyone can read my insights into the bold new world we’re living in.

3) Scissors After we get captured by the mutates, we’ll need a way to get free from our bonds.

4) Allef Of course.

5) A Plate That way we have something to eat of off. Also, in the event the mutates tie us up with chains instead of rope, we can trade this for freedom.

What is on your list. Don’t just copy mine, because if everyone is trying to trade the mutates a plate, ours loses value. Figure out your own post-rapture commerce system.

Yesterday’s post that claimed my blog is 65% about girls brought up a lot of internal issues.

About noon yesterday I looked in the mirror for a long time, thought about all that I am and all that I know, and ultimately decided I couldn’t [...]]]> (Look at Jeremy thinking he can fly awwwww.)

Yesterday’s post that claimed my blog is 65% about girls brought up a lot of internal issues.

About noon yesterday I looked in the mirror for a long time, thought about all that I am and all that I know, and ultimately decided I couldn’t wait to get that new HTC Sensation when it comes out.

Still, it was time to test the theory – maybe even disprove it. As such, I picked a random chat transcript from gchat, with the intent to show how I can write about other things.

me: 5 dollar foot long!

Kristin: hhaha whaaaat!?!?!

me: it’s the subway theme

Kristin: that i know, lol
Kristin: what are you doing

me: writing what are you doing

Kristin: cleaning my apartment whoops

me: that’s fun
me: what do you wear for that

Kristin: booty shorts and a tank top

me: are you just saying that because that’s what you think I want to hear

I know what you’re thinking, but look beneath the surface.

The subtext here is much deeper, and touches on society, and shoes, and etc. Plus, this Kristin is my business partner, so that doesn’t even count how you think it might.

Try to be more deep maybe.

Also, why is that a whoops on her cleaning her apartment – was she doing that on accident. This post may have even more layers.

I have no solid context for what follows, except that there’s an amazing amount of reverse irony in my return from a blog break being dominated by someone’s else’s words.

I still had to share this though, since [...]]]> (Click the photo to enlarge and see the greatest turtlecalls-based text collection from @WordofChris.)

I have no solid context for what follows, except that there’s an amazing amount of reverse irony in my return from a blog break being dominated by someone’s else’s words.

I still had to share this though, since there’s nothing I like to write about more than myself.

If someone else is willing to do it for me, that’s even better. Put on your buster shoes again.

lol i just did little science experiment with you as the topic

so i went to your blog because there is stuff there about you (maybe, anyway) but it’s not as helpful as it used to be because you aren’t doing it as much anymore

but you have helpful little tools on the side of it that can also show you revealing stuff, and one of them is categories

and so i figured that if you could caveman it up and craft the tool the least i could do was cavewoman it up and use it and guess what? you talk about girls on your blog way more than you talk about anything else lol. actually lolol.

check it out girls crushes the NBA and movies and airplanes and twitter and turtles and anything else you sometimes say you care about

Add one more to the ‘girls’ category.

Are you an emo caveman or not.

Hahaa The Last Emo Caveman would make a funny book title.

Shoot.

This was a favorite, to a girl I haven’t communicated with – in any form at all – for over three years.

If you can’t see what that says:

I got dreadlocks like a morlock sucka – gotta [...]]]> I was doing a bunch of texts yesterday because my fingers just couldn’t stop sending them.

This was a favorite, to a girl I haven’t communicated with – in any form at all – for over three years.

If you can’t see what that says:

I got dreadlocks like a morlock sucka – gotta get the bang bang goodies ungh unthinkable!

To further flesh this out, “bang bang goodies” is another name for a Netflix subscription and it’s unthinkable because of all the obvious reasons.

The grunt is just there to show how unthinkable it is.

Feel free to send this text to your ex-girlfriend, or even your current girlfriend, or to anyone.

It had something to do with how these two people – assuming they met on the site – don’t know each other well enough to be putting ice cream in [...]]]> I tried to write a blog post about the Facebook ad to your right, but it kept coming out cynical and kinda mean.

It had something to do with how these two people – assuming they met on the site – don’t know each other well enough to be putting ice cream in each other’s faces like that.

They’re both kinda forcing the action here, don’t you think.

Who buys one cone and then shares it, even after twenty years of marriage, let alone the first time out.

This guy also looks like he’s going to murder her later – note how she isn’t smiling at him in any sort of genuine fashion.

I’m laughing so hard right now – I can’t express how much I hate these two people. lol

If I was out on a booty date of my own and saw these two, and the girl I was with was like, “Aw, aren’t they cute – look how he is hunched over and stealing her ice cream,” I would just be like, “Hey, what time did you say you had class tomorrow. Is it on North or South campus.”

She would be all, “It is cheerleading practice, you silly,” and I would be like, “Oh, that’s right – I forgot it is a new quarter and your schedule got changed.”