Brian's Thoughts About Airplanes » Fictional Spaceships

Falcon Heene Begins

Brian — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 08:22:48 +0000

Umm…if you missed the Colorado Balloon Crisis…I don’t know what to tell you.

At the start of the movie, Falcon Heene is a little boy and it says “OCTOBER 2001″ in exciting writing on the movie screen, and the audience is all high-fiving and doing cool fist-pumps together about the creative liberties they’re already seeing happen.

Well, Falcon is hanging out with his family at a secret government place with Falcon’s dad, who is Bruce Willis, and Bruce is testing his important new excitement balloon for his government boss, and that boss is a Senator, and he is Keanu.

Bruce thought it would be a nice activity to have the whole family test the balloon together, and so Falcon goes in the balloon so they can do that, and the balloon crashes into a lake, and the lake starts on fire, and that’s because the lake was filled with gasoline.

Everyone but Falcon and Bruce dies, and Keanu waves his finger like “no-no-no”, and that means no more balloon experiments for Bruce, and also Falcon does some crying about his dead Mommy.

So then like it says “OCTOBER 2009″ and Falcon is graduating from high school, and now he is Shia LeBeouf, and he is always bitter at the world, and especially at Bruce.

This is because Bruce went on Wife Swapper and swapped some money to get Falcon a new Mommy, and that Mommy is Eva Mendez. After Falcon’s graduation party, Bruce and Falcon are cleaning up, and they yell at each other about who is a man now and who is not, and that’s the meme.

The yelling stops when they hear important cars drive through the front of the house, and they go to the living room to see who would do that, and the important cars are Keanu’s, and that’s because Keanu is the President now.

Eva wears booty shorts.

Keanu’s men grab Bruce and Falcon and Eva and take them to a secret lab to work on a new balloon that can save everyone, and Falcon is wondering what everyone needs to be saved from. Keanu won’t say, and then he gives Falcon some kettle corn and sends him to watch Dancing With Some Stars, and that’s another way to make Falcon feel like he is not a man.

Well Falcon sneaks around and finds out the plan, and he is like, “No-no-no-no-no-no-no!” because Keanu is making Bruce build a new balloon just like his old one, and Keanu will use that to crash the balloon into Lake Denver, which Keanu’s men are filling up with gasoline.

Falcon uses a Google Wave trick to make everyone think they’re in virtual reality, and when they are confused he steals the balloon and launches it, and he is in it when it does the launching.

Keanu is mad now, because Falcon also called the paparazzi, and they are making the online internet go crazy about this wild balloon kid.

Keanu puts guns in Bruce’s face, and so Bruce calls Falcon and tries to tell him how to drive the balloon, but Falcon is all like, “Oh now you think you’re a good dad, well let me tell you a thing or two about your booty wife.”

Then Keanu brings up a viral video on Falcon’s screen, and it’s of Keanu’s men pouring soda all over Eva, and also teasing her with chainsaws and calling her names that are not nice.

Keanu says that if Falcon doesn’t crash into Lake Denver, that they will keep doing that, and also they will start doing it to Bruce, and then Keanu will cancel Lost when there are only two episodes left to go.

Falcon swallows real hard and that’s like time for a montage, and now the internet is really loving on Falcon hard, and the montage goes on for an hour.

When it’s over, Falcon is like, “No-no-no-no-no-no!!” because he is about to crash, and he asks Keanu to explain why he wants to kill Lake Denver so bad, and that’s because Falcon wants to at least have solid reasoning behind his exciting balloon death.

Keanu says he hates lakes, and that’s when everything starts to go crazy on the computer screens, and the balloon crashes into Lake Denver, and that’s in 3-D.

The paparazzi is so excited to have a dead kid to talk about finally, and like there’s a man running out there so he can be the guy to pull out the body, but he falls down, and the internet likes that one a lot.

Everyone takes their shovels and pops the balloon, but all that’s in there is some kettle corn. They are all like “wtf” at not getting to be famous heroes on TV, and the paparazzi shows everyone that on their touchscreens.

Back at the secret lab, Keanu isn’t sure what’s happening, and we know this because he is screaming that he isn’t sure what’s happening.

That’s when Falcon jumps down from the attic, and it turns out Balloon-Falcon was just virtual reality. Real-Falcon says he was doing a trick so Keanu would admit his evil plan, and maybe people won’t vote for him again.

They have a fistfight, and Falcon wins the fight, and Bruce admits he’s a man, and gives him beer and a passport. Also, Bruce gets diabetes at this part, so they go to the hospital, and Eva meets them there.

Falcon starts throwing up for the paparazzi, and so he touches Eva’s booty and him and Bruce like wink at each other for their cool way they figured out to be on TV, and that’s the twist, but nobody cares because for sure Falcon will have more adventures.

Cavs, 60 Minutes, Radby

Brian — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:15:07 +0000

Let’s note one thing – since some weeks ago, when I went off the grid and made an assertive effort to get over the DEC loss to Washington, the Cavaliers have not lost.

Now that they seem to have fixed their on-court problems, I’m back in November/December mode.

It’s hard not to be, because this team (as I said back then) is like watching the ’95 Indians, and a lot of that is just because they seem to be having so much fun together.

Did I stick with them through an ugly patch? No…but it’s not like I went and cheered for another team. I think I just need to not watch the NBA in January from here forward.

(I’m also aware that stating a team that’s going to win 66-69 games had an “ugly patch” is inconsiderate to fans of say, the Lasers or Knicks.)

The 60 Minutes piece on LeBron was well-done if not Earth-shattering. I found far more entertainment in the piece before that one, where they talked about how lions are being poisoned in Kenya.

For some reason whenever they talked about poison I had laughing happen to me. It’s just that the way they used the word had me picturing people going out in the safari with big, generic looking bottles that had skulls and crossbones on them.

The narrator was always like:

And what are they using to kill these lions…?
(dramatic pause)
POISON.

Okay, so let’s start breaking down my second book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby (The Complete Filmography 1999-2023).

Radby and his first film The Exploders are pretty integral to the plot of Prelude to a Super Airplane, but this book is completely accessible whether you’ve read that or not.

It’s mainly his own summaries/analysis of all his films, which were primarily made between 1999 and 2013. He is best described as some combination of Brett Ratner, Michael Bay, and myself.

That said, the book is allegedly written in 2023, 10 years after the events of PTSA, so here and there you receive some nice hints into what happened after the 47-story Super Airplane left ground.

Let’s start with the HISTORICAL NOTE and FOREWORD.

In the spring of 1998, Brad Radby quietly directed his first movie, then titled The Exploders, and starring Bruce Willis, Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Diane Lane, Chris Rock, and Gene Hackman.

When it was finally released in May of 2013 as BRAD RADBY’S THE EXPLODERS, the film industry was changed forever. In the years between, Mr. Radby directed thirty-six other movies, before his alleged death aboard the famed Super Airplane in December of 2012.

Inside these pages, in his own words, Mr. Radby walks you through each of these films, giving valuable insights into the stories, and the stories behind the stories.

Therein, you will also finally learn how the massive typo on the cover of PTSA happened, what the first movie to ever win two straight Best Picture awards was, and how many people survived the Super Airplane ride.

(This seems almost futile, since the percentage of people who click through to my completely, 100% free book vs those who click through when I point out a good-looking girl on Twitter is amazingly off-balance in one direction.)

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)
(Read the entirety of my movie parody book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, completely for free.)

Prelude to a Super Airplane (Chapter 9)

Brian — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:11:50 +0000

(The following is an excerpt from my book, Prelude to a Super Airplane. It can be purchased by clicking on any of the roughly 400 banners adorning this site, or by clicking here. It’s also available on Amazon.

I’ve posted the first 20 chapters (roughly 55 pages of PTSA) on this site. Links to each of those are at the end of this post, or you can download all of them as a pdf by clicking here.

Forty-seven floors.

This airplane had forty-seven floors. Each one of these was a wonder of technology and function, and a singularly unique creative vision of the future of airplane design.

The first floor of the airplane was the airplane’s airplane baggage cargo hold. This was an unexciting place to be, except that inside this chamber was the best place to hear the airplane’s sixty-two pairs of airplane wheels doing their ascending and subsequent descending upon the take-off and landing of the airplane.

On the second floor of the airplane, above the first floor, which was the airplane baggage cargo hold, was a gas station. This was so that the airplane could refuel itself without stopping. The airplane ran on gasoline, because its creator was a man, and he believed that real men built things that needed crude oil to operate.

The third through fifth floors were the common airplane cabins. These three common airplane cabin floors were not unlike a traditional airplane’s, albeit much more luxurious and futuristic, in both appearance and function. There were both stairways and escalators between these floors, to allow for varied methods of traveling between them. Dual fire station-style action-poles were installed down the middle of the third through fifth floors, and this was simply an aesthetic design choice by the creator. Although not actually conducting electricity, these poles were labeled, “DANGER: HIGH VOLTAGE”.

The sixth floor of the forty-seven floor airplane was a retail and entertainment extravaganza complex, and included everything one could want or need on an airplane ride, including, but not limited to, a grocery store, a butcher shop, a hot and trendy dance club, a weightlifting gym, and a ye olde blacksmith’s shoppe.

There was parking for exactly three cars on this floor, and everything was connected by holographic hover-ramps. These ramps hovered at varying levels, anywhere from four to six feet over a giant aquarium, which had a retractable glass cover, and was filled with sharks.

Nobody knew what was on the seventh floor, because it was a secret, and had a large pad-locked door at the top of the rusted, industrial-style stairway leading up to it.

Above that were forty additional floors, each one a luxurious condominium, which exclusive and important people were permitted to lease for vast amounts of money.

There was an option to buy the condominium, but only after a three-year lease term was completed. The creator of the airplane was adamant that only those who were serious about living on the airplane be permitted to buy a condo on it, and this leasing agreement was his way of ensuring that.

There were also forty-one private, hologram-powered elevators on this airplane, each one a private conduit to the condos of the passengers who chose to live there. The forty-first elevator led to the observation deck on the roof of the airplane, which was huge, and dangerous, and exciting to be on.

The cockpit of the airplane was not unlike the bridge of a prominent science fiction television show and movie series. This was primarily because of the design aesthetics of the airplane, and not because it was necessary. Because of the many advanced systems and technologies that ran the airplane, only the airplane Captain, who would also be the airplane driver, needed be in this cockpit, or bridge, for the airplane to fly.

Before boarding the airplane with forty-seven floors, all airplane riders would, on the runway, be entertained with a reunion concert from the original members of Gunz N’ Rozes, who would play their classic hit, “Welcome to the Junglez”. This would happen before each and every airplane ride the airplane would take.

Accompanying the performance would be a dance number by the two hundred airplane employees, who were all beautiful girls with athletic bodies, and under the age of 25. Their uniforms were sultry, seductive cheerleader outfits, adorned with the logo of the company that owned the forty-seven story airplane. Half the employees would have their hair in ponytails, the other half pigtails.

Regardless of their ownership of a condominium, during take-off and landing, all airplane riders were required to reside in their non-assigned seats inside one of the common cabins, as was required by the safety standards of ARMTA, an important governing body of airplane riding.

Only Mac-based personal computers would be permitted aboard this airplane, and anyone found using a Windows-based machine would find it unable to boot. All airplane riders also had to sign agreements that upon boarding, they would only use the metric system, even when thinking to themselves.

Immediately before take-off, each airplane rider would receive a visit from their personal, jet powered airplane waitress, who would give them an autographed photo of their airplane Captain and driver, Bruce Willis. (He was to be the only male airplane employee on the airplane.)

In the photo, Bruce Willis was wearing his airplane driver uniform, and using a flame-thrower to light something on fire. You couldn’t tell what the something was, because the flamethrower was shooting so much fire. There was also a big sound effect that said, “THRAWSHWARRR!!!”

This enhanced the effect and imagery of how much stuff Bruce Willis was setting on fire.

Each airplane rider would get to spend time with their autographed airplane driver photograph until the airplane reached its cruising altitude, after which their jet-powered airplane waitress, who was wearing her sultry and seductive cheerleader uniform, would take it back. She would then seal it inside an airtight protective sleeve for the duration of the airplane ride.

What the airplane rider did with it when they got home was up to them, but nobody would be permitted to leave the airplane with a tarnished photo of the airplane driver, Bruce Willis.

Every day would be Christmas Day on the airplane with forty-seven floors, and riding on it also came with certain other raw, savage guarantees.

One was that it would be the most exciting, privilege-filled, important airplane ride one would ever take. Another was that nothing one could do in life would ever be as exciting or important as that airplane ride. A third was explicit – this airplane ride would be exciting. Finally, a lavish, seven-course Christmas Day dinner would be served on each and every airplane ride, regardless of length.

These guarantees were engraved on solid gold, four-foot tall hologram plaque-bots, one of which was on each of the airplane’s forty-seven floors. The 47 solid gold hologram plaque-bots controlled the vast majority of the airplane’s functions with their advanced, holographic artificial intelligence and their sultry, feminine robotic voices.

One last thing that made this airplane unique was its reinforced hull, internal gravity system, and external laser cannons. In times of peril for the planet Earth, these attributes allowed the forty-seven-story airplane to travel into outer space for up to six hours at a time.

Yes, this was an airplane built by a man. For men. And women. It was built for everyone, and it had forty-seven floors and was exciting and important to ride on.

It was about to change everything, and its creator named it The Super Airplane.

Brad Radby’s Foreward, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 31

Prelude to a Super Airplane (Chapter 6)

Brian — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:03:34 +0000

I’ve posted the first 20 chapters (roughly 55 pages of PTSA) on this site. Links to each of those are at the end of this post, or you can download all of them as a pdf by clicking here.

Wearing my Producer Hat is the hardest, most complex thing I have to do when working in the entertainment industry.

Ironically, there’s a simple reason for this: answering the question “What does a producer actually do?” is nearly impossible, and it’s asked of me more than any other thing.

My dad will ask me this question at least once, without fail, on the rare occasion we speak. My usual answer is, “The producer makes the project happen. He gets it done. Goodbye.” It’s vague, but also the truth.

The Producer Hat is a “no matter what” hat, and usually involves either asking for money to get a project made, or screwing people over. Often both. For example, let’s say you needed a music track for a project, and knew of two composers who could do the job.

The first step is simple in concept, but difficult in execution: you have to get an investor to give you the money you need to fund the production of your project. (Without the project, you don’t need the music.)

Like I said, this part is a “one plus two equals three” procedure, and primarily involves telling your investor they’re all but guaranteed to make their money back, when in reality, there’s a 99.99% chance they’ll never see it again. (If that sounds risky to you, don’t worry – there are all kinds of lawyering tricks you can use to avoid getting sued.)

This part is especially hard for me, because the potential investor usually starts asking stupid questions like, “How do you plan to make money on this?” or “Do you have any sort of business plan I can look at?” It gets me all flustered and angry, because they’re blatantly trying to destroy my artistic vision.

Anyway, let’s assume you have your funding, because you found somebody smart enough not to mess with the details of why you need their money. Now you put on your Producer Hat, and deal with your two music composers, who you want to create an ominousy, impending-doomy track for the climax of your project.

This is where the fun starts. You might have both of them work on it, telling each that they have the job. Then, you may use subtle trickery to manipulate events, causing each composer to find out about the other one. This makes them both even more desperate to get the job.

In the end, you have two ominousy, impending-doomsy tracks, and you get to pick the one you like better, telling the other composer that “things are delayed a bit”.

Be sure to stress that you’ll be in touch, because this thing will get going again soon, and you have a lot of other things coming up, too. You say this even if you have nothing coming up.

I’m not sure how or why I became good at this, but I’ve always thought my older brother was wearing a metaphorical Producer Hat for most of his childhood. I’m man enough to admit I was, too. We were constantly screwing each other over.

In retrospect, this was probably our mom’s fault – she’d raised us as twins, even though he was older by four years. (I know what you’re thinking, and yes, the whole family eventually agreed she was crazy.)

My brother’s name is Tim, and growing up, Tim had two loves – airplanes and Star Treck. How and if these two loves connect to one another, I’ll never know, but his love of them was equal.

A third love was pencil sketching, a skill in which Tim had singularly unique talent, yet no desire to pursue beyond the recreational level, which I always thought was a shame.

When Tim learned he would never be able to command his own fictional starship, he turned his career attentions to his other love, airplanes.

This is skipping ahead a bit, but today, Tim is a Colonel in the Airplane Riding Marshall Taskforce Agency, or ARMTA, where he makes both his peers and his underlings refer to him as “Colonel T”.

(ARMTA is an important part of how our country’s airplane rides run safely. I read one study that said without ARMTA, airplane rides would be +/-4000% more at risk of crashes, resulting in a vastly increased number of fiery, crashy, airplaney fireballs falling to the Earth. These fireballs would be full of dead airplane riders, who died from being on fire.)

Like I said, our mother raised Tim and I as twins, which always made things awkward for my actual twin sister, Kristin. There’s not much to say about her, really. It seems in the twins-gestation process, I received what looks, personality, and talent were available to be gestated.

Maybe this contributed to my mom’s madness – this dual-twins game she’d set up. She’d often have to tell people we were triplets, while focusing on the fact that Tim and I were twins, when really Kristin and I were the twins.

Back to my big brother – Tim and I were close, which meant I learned a lot about Star Treck, and even more about airplanes, since the continuity and mythology of Star Treck baffled me. For example – how could Mr. Spok talk if he had pointed ears and he was an alien?

Colonel T and I haven’t spoken for years – in fact, I haven’t seen Tim since I was 12, when he ran away forever.

When Tim ran away, I stayed behind, substituting “playing with my brother” with “thinking about airplanes” in my little kid daily planner.

Wow.

That was supposed to be all about wearing a Producing Hat, and it turned into a story about my estranged brother. It appears I’ll need to acquire an Editoring Hat.

“And oh! What a fine hat it would be!” he declared, feeling it was a very literary thing to write in his airplane book.

Anyone know what this is?

Brian — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 12:57:27 +0000

(NOTE: Yes, I made it.)

I’d love to hear your best guesses. Here’s a link to the website.

Search, Search, Jennifer Stano

Brian — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 16:28:07 +0000

Good job – keep it coming – these are great!

I would love to become the number one destination on the internet for “Jennifer Stano actoring like the Cleveland Cavaliers on a fictional spaceship”.

And yes, GOt, that does sound like a good idea for a movie.

Even though I know it’s manipulated, I like the idea that someone would search specifically for information about people actoring on new fictional spaceships.

Like they had done a more general search, and found similar info about same, but on an old fictional spaceship, and this frustrated them.

Star Trek Trailer, Silence, Facebook

Brian — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:18:15 +0000

I would never classify my older brother as a coward, but I’ve left the following messages on his Facebook wall over the past 24 hours, and he’s yet to respond in any form.

I’m sure you agree that this is how they should’ve been doing Star Trek all along.

Sometimes I think this new Star Trek looks so good, people won’t even remember there was an old Star Trek.

Chris Pine is now the definitive Captain James T. Kirk – you can tell that just off the trailer alone.

I love the new Enterprise design.

If you do a Google search for “Mr. Spock”, the only results are pictures of the guy from Heroes.

George Takei…he’s the gay guy who was on “Lost in Space”, right?

They should rename the 60s version “An Old Show About People on a Spaceship”.

Have you heard of this guy William Shatner? He’s on Boston Legal – really amazing as Denny Crane. What else has he done – I’d love to see more of his work.

I heard they are already in talks about a sequel, and are considering an all-new villain named Khan – apparently Antonio Banderas is very interested.

At this point I’m probably a bigger Star Trek fan than you, because I love that new trailer.

You can see how much of the old continuity is null and void just by the trailer. This is exciting for the real fans like me.

Waiting…here’s a link to the trailer to the Star Trek reboot if you haven’t seen it.

My hunch is he likes it, and has no idea how to reconcile that. He feels like he’s somehow betrayed himself.

Colonel T, I know all about cutting if you want some help.

Flying Cars, Obama Problem, Dumars

Brian — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:51:10 +0000

Take a look at this, but moreso, look at this one.

(Don’t look at this – it’s not one of those; it’s some kind of monstrosity.)

Thank god someone was paying attention to the 2015 looming on the calander.

That second link is real in two years, and it’s all good to go. Five years will be tight to develop a nationwide sky-highway network, but if there’s anything that’s gonna pull America out of this rut, it’s that.

We’re supposed to be about innovation, not throwing good money after bad.

I’m looking at you, GM. We should be letting you go bankrupt instead of bailing you out.

You’re pathetic – instead of fixing your business model to work in 2009 (as opposed to 1956), you’re spending millions of dollars on a pr campaign to convince the government to give you a massive donation.

Are you a bum?

Coming back full circle, flying cars will fix everything, and I don’t even know why.

Even though I’m almost sure a flying car collision/accident will kill you five different ways, if those flying cars don’t hit the two year target for reality, I’m going to cut myself more than anyone has cut themself ever.

I’m running short on time, but I just now found out Barack Omaba is an on-and-off smoker.

You know how I feel about those animals – this is probably the worst thing I could hear about the man. I’m torn.

One last quick note, in case you ever doubted my NBA savvy – I’m not the only one who thinks Joe Dumars isn’t actually all that great of a GM.

I’ll try and post tomorrow, but I’m doing actoring for most of the day, and I can’t tell you how excited I am to be in a “show up, say lines, leave” scenario for once.

(Thanks to Hack a Day for the flying car links.)

Star Trek, Guns, 2GG

Brian — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 13:45:37 +0000

My brother is a huge Star Trek fan, so I’m sure he hates this picture of the new Enterprise (from next summer’s re-boot movie) on some kind of general principle.

To me, it looks like the same Enterprise, but cooler and modernerer.

I’m a big fan of the director, so I’ll be seeing this. I also saw Beverly Hills Chihuahua, so that statement might not be worth much.

I read maybe the stupidest thing ever in this article about the increase in gun purchases, from the Chicago Tribune.

“Why are white people buying assault weapons?” said Ben Agger, a sociology professor at the University of Texas at Arlington who wrote a book about the Virginia Tech slayings. “I almost hate to say it, but there is a deep-seated fear of the armed black man, because Obama now commands the military and other instruments of the justice system. They are afraid Obama will exact retribution for the very deep-seated legacy of slavery.”

I don’t know, maybe my read of the man is off, but I can’t see him putting down an executive order for the military to start shooting white people.

The last thing I want to do is get into a huge gun control debate, but the Second Amendment is a consistently misread decree, ie it’s the product of a different era, and is no longer relevant.

Google Talk now has video for the Mac, which is where you can see other people when you talk to them.

This isn’t as exciting as my song about airplanes, but worth mentioning.

Sorry this is kind of scattered, but I’ve been trying to get up the 2GG site, as you’re getting close to a teaser trailer going live.

I’m in a branding disaster on this thing – I really want it to be 2WO G2N G2Y (and have that domain), but let’s run a scenario:

You’re in the street, and someone tackles you, and they’re like, “GO WATCH TWO GUN GUY ON THE ONLINE INTERNET!”

You don’t go home and search for “2WO G2N G2Y”, you go search for “TWO GUN GUY”, right? (Or “TO GUYN GIE” if you’re a non-speller.)

I dunno – I think it’s all work itself out. By the way, if you want to work on the marketing for this, I’m paying $5 per person you tackle/scream.

NOTE: Guess whose blog is the #1 Google result for “LeBron James yoked”?