From the category archives:

Fictional Spaceships

Falcon Heene Begins

by Brian on October 16, 2009

in Brad Radby, Bruce Willis, Fictional Spaceships, Lost, Movies

Umm…if you missed the Colorado Balloon Crisis…I don’t know what to tell you.

Falcon Heene balloon

At the start of the movie, Falcon Heene is a little boy and it says “OCTOBER 2001″ in exciting writing on the movie screen, and the audience is all high-fiving and doing cool fist-pumps together about the creative liberties they’re already seeing happen.

Well, Falcon is hanging out with his family at a secret government place with Falcon’s dad, who is Bruce Willis, and Bruce is testing his important new excitement balloon for his government boss, and that boss is a Senator, and he is Keanu.

Bruce thought it would be a nice activity to have the whole family test the balloon together, and so Falcon goes in the balloon so they can do that, and the balloon crashes into a lake, and the lake starts on fire, and that’s because the lake was filled with gasoline.

Everyone but Falcon and Bruce dies, and Keanu waves his finger like “no-no-no”, and that means no more balloon experiments for Bruce, and also Falcon does some crying about his dead Mommy.

So then like it says “OCTOBER 2009″ and Falcon is graduating from high school, and now he is Shia LeBeouf, and he is always bitter at the world, and especially at Bruce.

This is because Bruce went on Wife Swapper and swapped some money to get Falcon a new Mommy, and that Mommy is Eva Mendez. After Falcon’s graduation party, Bruce and Falcon are cleaning up, and they yell at each other about who is a man now and who is not, and that’s the meme.

The yelling stops when they hear important cars drive through the front of the house, and they go to the living room to see who would do that, and the important cars are Keanu’s, and that’s because Keanu is the President now.

Eva wears booty shorts.

Keanu’s men grab Bruce and Falcon and Eva and take them to a secret lab to work on a new balloon that can save everyone, and Falcon is wondering what everyone needs to be saved from. Keanu won’t say, and then he gives Falcon some kettle corn and sends him to watch Dancing With Some Stars, and that’s another way to make Falcon feel like he is not a man.

Well Falcon sneaks around and finds out the plan, and he is like, “No-no-no-no-no-no-no!” because Keanu is making Bruce build a new balloon just like his old one, and Keanu will use that to crash the balloon into Lake Denver, which Keanu’s men are filling up with gasoline.

Falcon uses a Google Wave trick to make everyone think they’re in virtual reality, and when they are confused he steals the balloon and launches it, and he is in it when it does the launching.

Keanu is mad now, because Falcon also called the paparazzi, and they are making the online internet go crazy about this wild balloon kid.

Keanu puts guns in Bruce’s face, and so Bruce calls Falcon and tries to tell him how to drive the balloon, but Falcon is all like, “Oh now you think you’re a good dad, well let me tell you a thing or two about your booty wife.”

Then Keanu brings up a viral video on Falcon’s screen, and it’s of Keanu’s men pouring soda all over Eva, and also teasing her with chainsaws and calling her names that are not nice.

Keanu says that if Falcon doesn’t crash into Lake Denver, that they will keep doing that, and also they will start doing it to Bruce, and then Keanu will cancel Lost when there are only two episodes left to go.

Falcon swallows real hard and that’s like time for a montage, and now the internet is really loving on Falcon hard, and the montage goes on for an hour.

When it’s over, Falcon is like, “No-no-no-no-no-no!!” because he is about to crash, and he asks Keanu to explain why he wants to kill Lake Denver so bad, and that’s because Falcon wants to at least have solid reasoning behind his exciting balloon death.

Keanu says he hates lakes, and that’s when everything starts to go crazy on the computer screens, and the balloon crashes into Lake Denver, and that’s in 3-D.

The paparazzi is so excited to have a dead kid to talk about finally, and like there’s a man running out there so he can be the guy to pull out the body, but he falls down, and the internet likes that one a lot.

Everyone takes their shovels and pops the balloon, but all that’s in there is some kettle corn. They are all like “wtf” at not getting to be famous heroes on TV, and the paparazzi shows everyone that on their touchscreens.

Back at the secret lab, Keanu isn’t sure what’s happening, and we know this because he is screaming that he isn’t sure what’s happening.

That’s when Falcon jumps down from the attic, and it turns out Balloon-Falcon was just virtual reality. Real-Falcon says he was doing a trick so Keanu would admit his evil plan, and maybe people won’t vote for him again.

They have a fistfight, and Falcon wins the fight, and Bruce admits he’s a man, and gives him beer and a passport. Also, Bruce gets diabetes at this part, so they go to the hospital, and Eva meets them there.

Falcon starts throwing up for the paparazzi, and so he touches Eva’s booty and him and Bruce like wink at each other for their cool way they figured out to be on TV, and that’s the twist, but nobody cares because for sure Falcon will have more adventures.

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Cavs, 60 Minutes, Radby

by Brian on March 30, 2009

in Airplanes, Books, Brad Radby, Bruce Willis, Cleveland Cavaliers, Fictional Spaceships, LeBron James, Movies, NBA, Super Airplane, Twitter

Let’s note one thing – since some weeks ago, when I went off the grid and made an assertive effort to get over the DEC loss to Washington, the Cavaliers have not lost.

Now that they seem to have fixed their on-court problems, I’m back in November/December mode.

It’s hard not to be, because this team (as I said back then) is like watching the ‘95 Indians, and a lot of that is just because they seem to be having so much fun together.

Did I stick with them through an ugly patch? No…but it’s not like I went and cheered for another team. I think I just need to not watch the NBA in January from here forward.

(I’m also aware that stating a team that’s going to win 66-69 games had an “ugly patch” is inconsiderate to fans of say, the Lasers or Knicks.)

The 60 Minutes piece on LeBron was well-done if not Earth-shattering. I found far more entertainment in the piece before that one, where they talked about how lions are being poisoned in Kenya.

For some reason whenever they talked about poison I had laughing happen to me. It’s just that the way they used the word had me picturing people going out in the safari with big, generic looking bottles that had skulls and crossbones on them.

The narrator was always like:

And what are they using to kill these lions…?
(dramatic pause)
POISON.

Okay, so let’s start breaking down my second book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby (The Complete Filmography 1999-2023).

Radby and his first film The Exploders are pretty integral to the plot of Prelude to a Super Airplane, but this book is completely accessible whether you’ve read that or not.

It’s mainly his own summaries/analysis of all his films, which were primarily made between 1999 and 2013. He is best described as some combination of Brett Ratner, Michael Bay, and myself.

That said, the book is allegedly written in 2023, 10 years after the events of PTSA, so here and there you receive some nice hints into what happened after the 47-story Super Airplane left ground.

Let’s start with the HISTORICAL NOTE and FOREWORD.

In the spring of 1998, Brad Radby quietly directed his first movie, then titled The Exploders, and starring Bruce Willis, Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Diane Lane, Chris Rock, and Gene Hackman.

When it was finally released in May of 2013 as BRAD RADBY’S THE EXPLODERS, the film industry was changed forever. In the years between, Mr. Radby directed thirty-six other movies, before his alleged death aboard the famed Super Airplane in December of 2012.

Inside these pages, in his own words, Mr. Radby walks you through each of these films, giving valuable insights into the stories, and the stories behind the stories.

Therein, you will also finally learn how the massive typo on the cover of PTSA happened, what the first movie to ever win two straight Best Picture awards was, and how many people survived the Super Airplane ride.

(This seems almost futile, since the percentage of people who click through to my completely, 100% free book vs those who click through when I point out a good-looking girl on Twitter is amazingly off-balance in one direction.)

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)
(Read the entirety of my movie parody book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, completely for free.)

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Prelude to a Super Airplane (Chapter 9)

by Brian on January 8, 2009

in Airplanes, Bruce Willis, Cars, Fictional Spaceships, Macs, Super Airplane

(The following is an excerpt from my book, Prelude to a Super Airplane. It can be purchased by clicking on any of the roughly 400 banners adorning this site, or by clicking here. It’s also available on Amazon.

I’ve posted the first 20 chapters (roughly 55 pages of PTSA) on this site. Links to each of those are at the end of this post, or you can download all of them as a pdf by clicking here.

Forty-seven floors.

This airplane had forty-seven floors. Each one of these was a wonder of technology and function, and a singularly unique creative vision of the future of airplane design.

The first floor of the airplane was the airplane’s airplane baggage cargo hold. This was an unexciting place to be, except that inside this chamber was the best place to hear the airplane’s sixty-two pairs of airplane wheels doing their ascending and subsequent descending upon the take-off and landing of the airplane.

On the second floor of the airplane, above the first floor, which was the airplane baggage cargo hold, was a gas station. This was so that the airplane could refuel itself without stopping. The airplane ran on gasoline, because its creator was a man, and he believed that real men built things that needed crude oil to operate.
[Like here is how to read the rest.]

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Prelude to a Super Airplane (Chapter 6)

by Brian on January 8, 2009

in Actoring, Airplanes, Books, Family, Fictional Spaceships, My Mommy, Super Airplane

I’ve posted the first 20 chapters (roughly 55 pages of PTSA) on this site. Links to each of those are at the end of this post, or you can download all of them as a pdf by clicking here.

Wearing my Producer Hat is the hardest, most complex thing I have to do when working in the entertainment industry.

Ironically, there’s a simple reason for this: answering the question “What does a producer actually do?” is nearly impossible, and it’s asked of me more than any other thing.

My dad will ask me this question at least once, without fail, on the rare occasion we speak. My usual answer is, “The producer makes the project happen. He gets it done. Goodbye.” It’s vague, but also the truth.

The Producer Hat is a “no matter what” hat, and usually involves either asking for money to get a project made, or screwing people over. Often both. For example, let’s say you needed a music track for a project, and knew of two composers who could do the job.

The first step is simple in concept, but difficult in execution: you have to get an investor to give you the money you need to fund the production of your project. (Without the project, you don’t need the music.)
[Like here is how to read the rest.]

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Anyone know what this is?

by Brian on December 5, 2008

in 2GG, Actoring, Bruce Willis, Fictional Spaceships, Girls, Super Airplane, WSM?

(NOTE: Yes, I made it.)

I’d love to hear your best guesses. Here’s a link to the website.

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Search, Search, Jennifer Stano

by Brian on November 25, 2008

in Actoring, Cleveland Cavaliers, Fictional Spaceships, Girls, Google

Good job – keep it coming – these are great!

I would love to become the number one destination on the internet for “Jennifer Stano actoring like the Cleveland Cavaliers on a fictional spaceship”.

And yes, GOt, that does sound like a good idea for a movie.

Even though I know it’s manipulated, I like the idea that someone would search specifically for information about people actoring on new fictional spaceships.

Like they had done a more general search, and found similar info about same, but on an old fictional spaceship, and this frustrated them.

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Star Trek Trailer, Silence, Facebook

by Brian on November 20, 2008

in Facebook, Family, Fictional Spaceships, Movies

I would never classify my older brother as a coward, but I’ve left the following messages on his Facebook wall over the past 24 hours, and he’s yet to respond in any form.

I’m sure you agree that this is how they should’ve been doing Star Trek all along.

Sometimes I think this new Star Trek looks so good, people won’t even remember there was an old Star Trek.

Chris Pine is now the definitive Captain James T. Kirk – you can tell that just off the trailer alone.

I love the new Enterprise design.

If you do a Google search for “Mr. Spock”, the only results are pictures of the guy from Heroes.

George Takei…he’s the gay guy who was on “Lost in Space”, right?

They should rename the 60s version “An Old Show About People on a Spaceship”.

Have you heard of this guy William Shatner? He’s on Boston Legal – really amazing as Denny Crane. What else has he done – I’d love to see more of his work.

I heard they are already in talks about a sequel, and are considering an all-new villain named Khan – apparently Antonio Banderas is very interested.

At this point I’m probably a bigger Star Trek fan than you, because I love that new trailer.

You can see how much of the old continuity is null and void just by the trailer. This is exciting for the real fans like me.

Waiting…here’s a link to the trailer to the Star Trek reboot if you haven’t seen it.

My hunch is he likes it, and has no idea how to reconcile that. He feels like he’s somehow betrayed himself.

Colonel T, I know all about cutting if you want some help.

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Flying Cars, Obama Problem, Dumars

by Brian on November 14, 2008

in Actoring, Airplanes, Barack Obama, Fictional Spaceships, Money, NBA

Take a look at this, but moreso, look at this one.

(Don’t look at this – it’s not one of those; it’s some kind of monstrosity.)

Thank god someone was paying attention to the 2015 looming on the calander.

That second link is real in two years, and it’s all good to go. Five years will be tight to develop a nationwide sky-highway network, but if there’s anything that’s gonna pull America out of this rut, it’s that.

We’re supposed to be about innovation, not throwing good money after bad.

I’m looking at you, GM. We should be letting you go bankrupt instead of bailing you out.

You’re pathetic – instead of fixing your business model to work in 2009 (as opposed to 1956), you’re spending millions of dollars on a pr campaign to convince the government to give you a massive donation.

Are you a bum?

Coming back full circle, flying cars will fix everything, and I don’t even know why.

Even though I’m almost sure a flying car collision/accident will kill you five different ways, if those flying cars don’t hit the two year target for reality, I’m going to cut myself more than anyone has cut themself ever.

I’m running short on time, but I just now found out Barack Omaba is an on-and-off smoker.

You know how I feel about those animals – this is probably the worst thing I could hear about the man. I’m torn.

One last quick note, in case you ever doubted my NBA savvy – I’m not the only one who thinks Joe Dumars isn’t actually all that great of a GM.

I’ll try and post tomorrow, but I’m doing actoring for most of the day, and I can’t tell you how excited I am to be in a “show up, say lines, leave” scenario for once.

(Thanks to Hack a Day for the flying car links.)

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Star Trek, Guns, 2GG

by Brian on November 12, 2008

in 2GG, Barack Obama, Fictional Spaceships, Google, LeBron James, Macs

My brother is a huge Star Trek fan, so I’m sure he hates this picture of the new Enterprise (from next summer’s re-boot movie) on some kind of general principle.

To me, it looks like the same Enterprise, but cooler and modernerer.

I’m a big fan of the director, so I’ll be seeing this. I also saw Beverly Hills Chihuahua, so that statement might not be worth much.

I read maybe the stupidest thing ever in this article about the increase in gun purchases, from the Chicago Tribune.

“Why are white people buying assault weapons?” said Ben Agger, a sociology professor at the University of Texas at Arlington who wrote a book about the Virginia Tech slayings. “I almost hate to say it, but there is a deep-seated fear of the armed black man, because Obama now commands the military and other instruments of the justice system. They are afraid Obama will exact retribution for the very deep-seated legacy of slavery.”

I don’t know, maybe my read of the man is off, but I can’t see him putting down an executive order for the military to start shooting white people.

The last thing I want to do is get into a huge gun control debate, but the Second Amendment is a consistently misread decree, ie it’s the product of a different era, and is no longer relevant.

Google Talk now has video for the Mac, which is where you can see other people when you talk to them.

This isn’t as exciting as my song about airplanes, but worth mentioning.

Sorry this is kind of scattered, but I’ve been trying to get up the 2GG site, as you’re getting close to a teaser trailer going live.

I’m in a branding disaster on this thing – I really want it to be 2WO G2N G2Y (and have that domain), but let’s run a scenario:

You’re in the street, and someone tackles you, and they’re like, “GO WATCH TWO GUN GUY ON THE ONLINE INTERNET!”

You don’t go home and search for “2WO G2N G2Y”, you go search for “TWO GUN GUY”, right? (Or “TO GUYN GIE” if you’re a non-speller.)

I dunno – I think it’s all work itself out. By the way, if you want to work on the marketing for this, I’m paying $5 per person you tackle/scream.

NOTE: Guess whose blog is the #1 Google result for “LeBron James yoked”?

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Fictional Spaceships

Falcon Heene Begins

Cavs, 60 Minutes, Radby

Prelude to a Super Airplane (Chapter 9)

Prelude to a Super Airplane (Chapter 6)

Anyone know what this is?

Search, Search, Jennifer Stano

Star Trek Trailer, Silence, Facebook

Flying Cars, Obama Problem, Dumars

Star Trek, Guns, 2GG

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