#1

Will do – hopefully have one back by end of week.

#2

Is there a good time I can come see the house this week? I’d like to check it out as a location, as I’m [...]]]> These are all out of context – for some reason I find it fascinating and somewhat funny.

#1

Will do – hopefully have one back by end of week.

#2

Is there a good time I can come see the house this week? I’d like to check it out as a location, as I’m about to dive into a revision on the script and want to see how we can work it in.

#3

Okay Kristen Spaeth – since you are critical of my book covers, do you want to do the one for my next book. I am looking for sharp, minimalist, modern design type thing, so shouldn’t be overwhelming.

PS You’re so dumb I hate you.

#4

How do you feel about the attached? It’s not exactly what we planned, but I think it’s effective. Without the response it can have the original intent, but I think the “Hi” adds so much.

#5

When we talk later, would you mind if we ran through (and I record) the attached for my video this week. lol

There were more emails I sent, but those weren’t vague enough to put up here, and/or they were just trashing LeBron James.

Should I just publish a book of all my emails. Oh how fun.

Since I don’t have the strength to actually think of anything else, I just had this conversation with my aforementioned sister.

Hey Kristen, guess what my favorite key is [...]]]> Me and my sister have both been home all week, and I’ve spent most of it with a lung condition somewhere between #bronchitis and death.

Since I don’t have the strength to actually think of anything else, I just had this conversation with my aforementioned sister.

Hey Kristen, guess what my favorite key is on the keyboard.

I don’t know – the smile key.

Nope.

The B.

No.

The #hashkey.

Try again.

I have to put my shoes on or I can’t go to the party store.

What is she talking about, and why wasn’t I invited to the party store.

Those are my nieces in the picture – are they going to the party store, too. Why are my lungs broken.

I now realize the entire exercise may have been some kind of triangular form of performance art, with one of the angles being getting a reaction out of mom.

mom: Your blog post has [...]]]> After my admission of falling for a $150 Image Matrix IM-911 Scam, my mom hit me up on gchat.

I now realize the entire exercise may have been some kind of triangular form of performance art, with one of the angles being getting a reaction out of mom.

mom: Your blog post has left me speechless….

me: why do you use four periods what is wrong with you….
me: mom i really had a brain freeze
me: like i knew exactly what was happening the whole time

mom: Why didn’t you just get in your car and drive away?

me: i dunno they were really nice lol

mom: Crooks aren’t NICE! arggggg
mom: Next time you have $150 burning a hole in your pocket, send it to me!

me: I actually was going to put it in an envelope and mail it to you yesterday afternoon is the funny thing
me: the way i see it it was gone anyway
me: if it wasn’t a black market home theater it would’ve been a black market pair of jordans or a year’s supply of target advil off the black market

mom: What is wrong with you….

me: i love the black market lol

mom: Somewhere we went wrong with you two….Remember the time I found money in Kristen’s wastebasket at home? It had a bunch of crunched up money in it. She threw the bills away because they were WRINKLED!

me: do you still have those bills anywhere i want to spend them

In the end, it’s all fine. I got to have a nice chat with my Mom, made some new con-artist friends, and further reinforced that I can’t take care of myself yet.

Besides, when I get to make stuff like this, how can I possibly complain about my life.

Captain Stern just needs to threaten to bring back the Orange Roundie, and even Etan Thomas will be like, “Whoa, whoa, wait – I guess [...]]]> The answer to the title of this post is right there in this nice picture I took, and it’s orange, and round, and slippery to Steve Nash’s touch.

Captain Stern just needs to threaten to bring back the Orange Roundie, and even Etan Thomas will be like, “Whoa, whoa, wait – I guess my $55M contract was fine.”

Now that I settled that problem, here comes a nice email, and it’s from a boy, and etc.

Hi Brian- Checking in to say your blog is a trip. It’s funny & imaginative, but hockey seems mighty under-represented compared to the *other* winter sport. And that…well…that just ain’t right.

Matt in Massachusetts

I wish he was saying that my blog was like going on a funny and imaginative trip, but that’s not what he’s saying at all.

Maybe I can just rewrite his excitement email.

Hey Brian – Reading your blog is like going on a funny, imaginative trip. A winter sport cavalcade, filled with hockey bucks and crukus balls the likes of which the world has never seen!

That it comes but on an irregular occasion…must it be so, mate!

Your friend and purchaser of all of your reasonably priced $2.99 books,

Matt in England

Does anyone know where I can check out diving contests on TV or the online internet so that Matt can see me write about other winter sports so much.

I was on a message board and people were talking about how CDs aren’t things that happen anymore, and I said this.

digital music era is [...]]]> (It’s my mom’s birthday, so I made this and did a Facebook for her with it, so it could go with all the other nice messages she gets.)

I was on a message board and people were talking about how CDs aren’t things that happen anymore, and I said this.

digital music era is for me – i love empty forgettable one-hit pop wonders and don’t want any physical media

that ke$ha slut is like tik tok doopy dop or whatever #goodstuff2010

What a way to contribute to an intellectual debate over music history.

Everyone was like, “Hey are you a music scholar or what,” and “Can you post an online viral video where you are holding your music history degree,” so I made a big admission.

I only took one music history class in college and only went to that class once, but I have never understood how/why albums are “concept albums” or stand together as one piece. If like you put out something called The Blue Album, every song better be about the color blue or blue objects, or I won’t understand what’s going on. lol

Also instead of that viral video about my education, I showed them this one I am in and did writing on about The Whore of Akron so much.

There are a lot of movie snobs claiming the world is ending because The Smurfs did well at the box office.

Here is something to learn about that, and that’s that I went to it with my nieces and nephew, and now they like to pretend to be Smurfs [...]]]> (Look how handy I am.)

There are a lot of movie snobs claiming the world is ending because The Smurfs did well at the box office.

Here is something to learn about that, and that’s that I went to it with my nieces and nephew, and now they like to pretend to be Smurfs so much.

That means good job making the movie, plus also profits = a new empire!

Here is why you should stop being a movie snob about this, and if you are doing a complaint, I bet your favorite thing to watch is The Royal Tennenbaums, and that you like to pretend it is a comedy.

SPOILER SPACE FOR THE SMURFS

When Neil Patrick Harris was playing Guitar Star with the Smurfs for no reason, my niece was having a multi-jump up and down in her seat. This is because she is a kid, and it is okay that the Smurfs are not out saving Libya.

The one part they hated was when Blind Smurf tripped on that quarter and got a scrape on his wrist.

When Dad Smurf explained to Neil Marshall Patrick that he couldn’t use a spell to make Blind Smurf’s retinas work better, because that would rob him of a valuable life lesson, it made up for it a little, and that is because of learning.

Later when Dad (voiced really good by Jessie from Breaking Bad) used a spell to make Gargamel have broken eyes, now you had to question the thing he said before. Do you like the movie now that there are irony layers in the story, just like The Royal Tennenbaums, with the hilarious attempted suicide scene.

Here comes a big thing to respect.

They even referenced how in the cartoon, Smurfette was a terrorist created by Gargamel, and that’s good continuity.

END SPOILERS

The Smurfs win in the end.

Also, Matt Damon did a great job doing Gargamel.

If you do not like The Smurfs Motion Picture you are a bad person. Do not leave comments unless you agree with me.

lol….the funny thing is how many of those you ACTUALLY had/have! I liked it very much – you’re very likeable in this one

We can discuss her use of four periods instead of three another time.

Then I’d have to reply with, “But check out my new personal best [...]]]> You know I want to do steroids, but then I’d have to talk about it and my mom would be like, “No no no no why would you do that liver cancer no no no no what about your pancreas.”

Then I’d have to reply with, “But check out my new personal best in incline dumbbell reverse curls.”

Instead of popping those exciting pills and/or injections, I sometimes just go to the Vitamin Shoppe and grab a nice assortment of different bottles.

Here is one old favorite and new members of the pill family, and that’s my family.

1) L-Tyrosine – I refer to this as L-Gelus in my fiction, and it seriously helps you focus if you take like twenty of them at once.

2) Acai Extract – This is like drinking eco-organic apple cider or something. I just noticed that weird thing on the bottom of the letter ‘c’. I’m going to take it back and get the American acai that doesn’t have that so much.

3) C-2000 – This bottle has steroids in it, and nobody even knows because I scratched out the steroids and wrote “C-2000″ in that nice font.

Sometimes before I take all the pills I line them up like they’re having a little parade and do exactly what happens at the :28 mark of this turtlecall.

Okay, junior accountants, get your calculator apps on your Googelle phones.

There is a chart you can use to run the numbers.

I’m rich!

If you [...]]]> Time to break down some real numbers, so I can explain the lucrative accidental miracle that is calling people and pretending to be a turtle, aka turtlecalls.

Okay, junior accountants, get your calculator apps on your Googelle phones.

There is a chart you can use to run the numbers.

I’m rich!

If you sing me the Don Cheadle Theme Song (which debuts below) and post it somewhere online with a link to turtlecalls.com, I’ll give you a free Cheadlecall.

I hope this never gets boring.

I was like a “no, no, no, no, no” and she was like a “yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah”.

It’s not that I don’t want picture-based representations of my younger self [...]]]> I had a huge fight with my sister yesterday because she wanted to put all these childhood pictures she’d scanned in onto Facebook.

I was like a “no, no, no, no, no” and she was like a “yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah”.

It’s not that I don’t want picture-based representations of my younger self online, it’s just that I bet they will make Tron vs Avatar in like 2031.

Tron will be like “You’re not my dad!” and Avatar will be like, “Get out of the house! No more free rides!”

A little after that is when they fight, and the twist is that he is his dad.

How funny would Avatar look with a beard. lol

What if I pitched that movie to someone who doesn’t have the rights to either property, and they were like, “If only I had the rights! Nab’it!”

Happy New Year.

My sister Kristen never bothered to register kristenspaeth.com, so I went ahead and did it for her as a Christmas Day Present.

I also built a great site for her on it – I’d say go check it out, [...]]]> If you ever wondered what it’s like to be my sibling, wonder no more.

My sister Kristen never bothered to register kristenspaeth.com, so I went ahead and did it for her as a Christmas Day Present.

I also built a great site for her on it – I’d say go check it out, but this is all that’s there.

1) Is Nathan your boyfriend. Don’t use a yes/no answer and use at least three sentences.

NathanIEL is not my boyfriend. He [...]]]> This is the final wrap-up on Spaeth Day 2011, featuring a real Q&A with Kiana Greene Spaeth, as opposed to the fake chat that started it all back on October 12.

1) Is Nathan your boyfriend. Don’t use a yes/no answer and use at least three sentences.

NathanIEL is not my boyfriend. He won’t even admit to being my friend. He won’t even admit to knowing me. Why am I so embarrassing to be around. Maybe it’s because I look like I’m twelve. I should have eaten my vegetables when my Mom told me they would make me grow up big and tall.

2) Do you think my business at www.turtlecalls.com is a good idea and do you want to be Vice-President of the company?

Turtle calls will change the world. Turtles are one of my favorite species. I would thoroughly enjoy being Vice President of the company especially since I am only twenty and that would make me sound all important and successful. That means I can get a super job when I grow up big and tall…oh wait.

3) What did your family think of Spaeth Day and do they want to have private investigators come get me?

Are we talking immediate family or extended family or both. Either way, they all thought it was awesome. They have no reason to have private investigators come get you. After all, the creepy one in this situation is me, remember?

4) We didn’t get enough for the exercise bike and I blame myself. When a girl I know at the gym was like, “Seriously? Spaeth Day?” I got distracted. Instead I think I will send you an Amazon gift card equal to the profits.

This is not a question.

5) How are you feeling? I bet we could’ve gotten that bike if we exploited your recent health trouble but that seemed kinda wrong. I didn’t even know about that until after I made up our fake chat transcript and your boyfriend Nathan told me.

I am feeling wonderful now that my heart is machine operated. It’s like I can never die. My heart will beat FOREVER. My unboyfriend Nathaniel will be happy to hear that I bet.

In general, doesn’t it seem like we actually might be related.

One thing I wanted to ask but forgot was about how she feels about the Metric System. Also, will she ever detach the Spaeth from her name, and will she feel bad if she does.

He did it again with these money guys who want to smelt aluminum and he’s dropping the ball on getting them their permission slips.

These business [...]]]> Well, you probably remember how my Uncle Bill Spaeth is always being forgetful with doing things in life because I write about that like every other post.

He did it again with these money guys who want to smelt aluminum and he’s dropping the ball on getting them their permission slips.

These business presidents bought that factory and every day he doesn’t let them smelt old cars it’s messed up for sure.

The June 9 letter was addressed to the City Council, Mayor Bob Burr, City Manager Brian Dissette and Zoning Administrator Bill Spaeth.

Spaeth is on vacation and was not available to comment on whether the smelting operation would be an allowed use under current zoning.

Way to go chief, this is like the time you didn’t mail my application to go on Here Comes the Bachelor in time to get to meet all those babes and go in hot tubs.

Now I’ll be alone forever and those smelting people are with me on how that one happened.

You have to let them smelt the aluminum or it’s messed up just like my life and how I’m not a famous TV stud.

Stop playing golfing.

I don’t have children that I got told about yet so until those cool confrontations happen I make do with other baby-daddy guys.

Well yesterday was a really special one because I pretended I had brand-new amnesia all [...]]]> Sometimes when Father’s Day comes I like to help celebrate with all the fathers I know.

I don’t have children that I got told about yet so until those cool confrontations happen I make do with other baby-daddy guys.

Well yesterday was a really special one because I pretended I had brand-new amnesia all day and there were things like this that happened:

Me: Oh no I can’t remember who I am.

Dad: Why are you acting like that.

Me: It is so scary being a blank slate.

Dad: I am not playing this game with you.

Me: Have I always had these cool muscles.

Then I would touch daddy’s face like I was blind even though I was laughing through all of that and it went on for three hours of me wondering how my muscles got on my skeleton.

After awhile Spider-Man 3 came on and I could not keep up the act and had to admit about how that one did not get gold stars for me.

Also Toy Story 3 gave my tears so many places they could go, like one of those places was all over my face.

That’s good that it happened, so a thank you certificate is what Batgirl can have.

:)

It’s Wednesday and I’m getting a couple emails about the blog that are like, “What’s [...]]]> My favorite Batgirl made a website code that will bring you here if you have your mobile smartphone look at it.

That’s good that it happened, so a thank you certificate is what Batgirl can have.

:)

It’s Wednesday and I’m getting a couple emails about the blog that are like, “What’s up with your website blog?? It used to be better and now you’re barely typing English.”

The Sound and the Fury was revered American literature and nobody complained about that, and here’s some of that book.

I seed de beginnin, en now I sees de endin. If I’d just had a mother so I could say Mother Mother. Caddy smells like trees.

I can’t believe I read that whole American Classic once.

Anyway, Mom wrote one email chat like that too, which is how I know the blog is off the rails, but in a way that is good.

The truth is that the blog is different and here’s how it was last July.

Can’t even read that one is where I’m coming from.

I bet this is great for my consulting business. lol

Let me finish on this book I’m writing at ’cause I’m in a zone with it that has cross-platform grammar carry-over with the blog, i.e. be patient for a little.

I’m usually craving popcorn and steak at all times.

My instincts tell me just to leave that be and go away.

The truth is I’m thinking of running this long race in Las Vegas this October and they call that a marathon if [...]]]> So here is something my sister said at me in email.

I’m usually craving popcorn and steak at all times.

My instincts tell me just to leave that be and go away.

The truth is I’m thinking of running this long race in Las Vegas this October and they call that a marathon if you need to know.

This quote was from Kristen Spaeth training protocols. She’s been running these marathons for years now on her legs.

Running long distances is something I hate by nature because of my ADD and also my sprinting and jumping muscles.

I dunked this weekend – it was a basketball and that’s a way for you to know how much explosive power I carry in my legs still.

If the marathon falls through the high jumping contest is in Vegas that weekend and also some restaurants. Check Yelp or Google Maps and you can find them.

It was a simple and joyful, “EASTER IN YOUR FACE!”

They were three at the time – in retrospect, perhaps it was immature of me to do this to (for?) them.

Being that they’re almost four, it’s time to [...]]]> Last year, for reasons of my own, I taught my nieces a new mantra for Easter.

It was a simple and joyful, “EASTER IN YOUR FACE!”

They were three at the time – in retrospect, perhaps it was immature of me to do this to (for?) them.

Being that they’re almost four, it’s time to tell them how adults celebrate Easter joy with a new phrase, “EASTER ALL NIGHT!”

It’s not so much a phrase as a party anthem.

Imagine the Black Eyed Peas taking these words and turning them into a song, and you’ll get what I’ll be going for.

Like Fergie sings the first part and then Waylon or Wilbie or whatever their names are sings the after-shout portion.

EASTER ALL NIGHT! (EGGS)
EASTER ALL NIGHT! (EGGS)
EASTER ALL NIGHT! (EGGS)
EASTER ALL NIGHT! (EGGS GOTTA GET EM)

Like all their songs, that’s all there is to it, and it goes on for ten minutes and sells a zillion copies.

I’m told that last year EASTER IN YOUR FACE! came out at completely inappropriate times, and this is why I’m the best uncle ever, and probably shouldn’t consider fatherhood anytime soon.

Also, I like hockey now.

If you’re new or whatever, this is it, all oiled up and stuff for you.

The time has come, at long [...]]]> If you’ve read my stuff for any length of time, you know the vividly horrific story behind my shoulder tattoo, and my embarrassed self-loathing I do at myself whenever anyone sees it.

If you’re new or whatever, this is it, all oiled up and stuff for you.

The time has come, at long last, to finish this mistake once and for all.

I’ve talked to people several times over the years about what to do about this monstrosity.

The removal options are bad – since it’s been done three times already and there’s scarring to boot, it just won’t look right.

I asked one tattoo artist about putting a roman numeral XIV over it, the rationale being that I could make up different stories every time someone asked me about the deep, hidden meaning of my ancient number tattoo.

This wasn’t going to be doable either, and every other tattoo artist suggested things that just wouldn’t work for me.

I always make this clear before these conversations – my number one option would be for it to not be there at all anymore.

Starting from there, I’m not sure how these people come to, “How about like a cool snake that’s on fire and goes from your shoulder all the way around your chest, and then is flowing into a skull that’s on your back, and it’s the skull of a naked booty stripper?”

Anyway, after many years and much thought, I am giving up…and that’s what this new version of the tattoo will represent.

Inevitably, someone will try and make it artistic or special or whatever.

No, no, nay, nay, booty.

I don’t want it planned or artistic or meaningful – I want it to look like someone scribbled over it in frustration…like which is what I feel about it with my special heart that is inside me.

Also, Calvin Stadiums has been blogging over at Yardbarker for a couple weeks now, and look for some Who Shot Mamba? blooper reels on the Facebook Page this week.)

Some years back my mom started [...]]]> (Yes, I’m excited about the Google Phone. Rumored January release and supported by T-Mobile for once.

Also, Calvin Stadiums has been blogging over at Yardbarker for a couple weeks now, and look for some Who Shot Mamba? blooper reels on the Facebook Page this week.)

Some years back my mom started sending those “here’s what everyone is up to” letters with her Merry Christmas cards.

I immediately insisted on control over any part of the content that referenced me, so each December I submit my own section for her to include.

(My brother does this too – perhaps he can post the 2009 edition, as his are excellent.)

Alas, this is what I sent her over the weekend.

I’m still writing and acting and producing and trying to get new projects together.

I’ve never touched a guitar before. Also, I stopped using question marks this year for awhile. Isn’t that weird.

Oops! Lost my car keys again! LOL

Do you use gmail?

Your pal,
Brian Spaeth

P.S. My sole goal in writing this was to have my mother say something like, “I am not sending this!” and I guarantee she did exactly that after I emailed it to her.

Sent via my Blackberri Tornado II From T-Marbles
Movie – www.whoshotmamba.com
Twitter – www.twitter.com/brianspaeth
Facebook – www.facebook.com/brianspaeth
Website – www.brian23.com

P.P.S. Mom, make sure to include these links, cause like that’s part of the joke for this section of the letter.

P.P.P.S Also include all of these PS’s – including this one. These are also part of the joke.

P.P.P.P.S. Sorry for not taking your Merry Christmas Letter 2010 seriously. :(

I have to admit, I can’t see a day where I ever send Christmas cards or letters of any kind myself.

Like I get them from friends of mine who are married already, and I’m always thinking, “Why did you send me this and why is it signed The Jones Family? I don’t know what one of those is – why don’t you just email or call me? Yeah, I know I don’t answer my phone ever, but why did you get married?”

Do you or your family send these type of Christmas letters? Do you send Christmas cards? Do you believe in Merry Christmas Trees and why.

If you have no idea what a Two Gun Girl might be, go watch this Two Gun Guy thing.

Anyway, most of this week has been spent brooding and being happy about how [...]]]> So my sister did some photoshoot for a friend last week, and I just got my eyes on the pictures.

If you have no idea what a Two Gun Girl might be, go watch this Two Gun Guy thing.

Anyway, most of this week has been spent brooding and being happy about how sad and happy I am. Also, lots of self-important writing.

Over at AOL Fanhouse, I wrote up my problems with LeBron James, and did a podcast with Brett Pollakoff, wherein I talked about LeBron’s Dancing Crisis, Bill Simmons’ basketball book, and of course some Who Shot Mamba? plugging.

At Yahoo!’s Ball Don’t Lie, there’s a small essay about the logistics and fun of shooting at Bill Walton’s house. Couple cool behind-the-scenes pics – I think in that one I’m trying to explain what an Orange Roundie is.

LOL!

What.

At CT Kingston’s blog – otherwise known as @CTK1, I did maybe my favorite Photoshop work I’ve ever done for part of her mega-super-2009-roundup-post.

Thanks also to @DennyMayo, @mfeige, @cjrider, and @thegnc for joining me in that Matt Bullard-based Houston Rockets chat, helping to bring Calvin Stadiums, Petey Skippen, Sherpa, Peter Ovaire, Brad Radby, Russell Slanteer, Monstero, and others to vivid life.

Keep in mind we are twins, but I’ma go ahead and say it – do you want to date my sister?