Here’s the deal – I won’t do anything with it, because there are people who worked on it who haven’t been paid yet.

Details are unimportant and avoid the bottom line: the proverbial buck stops with me on this project, I take full responsibility for [...]]]> Occasionally I get asked whatup with 2WO G2N G2Y.

Here’s the deal – I won’t do anything with it, because there are people who worked on it who haven’t been paid yet.

Details are unimportant and avoid the bottom line: the proverbial buck stops with me on this project, I take full responsibility for it, and the fact that it’s unresolved sixth months later is an unfair, embarrassing, and ugly situation.

These are the initials of everyone who hasn’t been paid:

DG, JM, NJ, CS, SS, CS, JC, and AT.

I’ll link to this up in the 2GG tab above, and knock people off the list as this is taken care of. If you’re one of these people and you have to vent, go ahead and do it right here – I (and I alone) deserve to be bad-mouthed until it’s a closed case.

I learned a couple producering lessons on 2GG for sure, and unfortunately the good and talented people who helped make it have felt a trickle-down effect.

(For the sake of transparency, I also owe my parents about $6,500,000 in “metal anguish fees” for pretty much my entire high school experience.)

I think I had more feedback on yesterday’s post via email, Twitter, and comments than I have on any single thing since the start of BTAA.

Having run a far more successfuller blog than this one, I can tell you one thing: if people start dictating what they want you to write, [...]]]>

I think I had more feedback on yesterday’s post via email, Twitter, and comments than I have on any single thing since the start of BTAA.

Having run a far more successfuller blog than this one, I can tell you one thing: if people start dictating what they want you to write, you’re doing okay:

Meh. Bring back some Skree! Por favor.

@jordi thinks things were better @yay!

This is surely what it was like for Jesus when he got out of that bathtub and was all excited to be back – people were just like, “Hey, do that one trick again that you used to do! We love that one!”

Jesus was all, “But I have all these new tricks – see, I started wearing socks. They’re blue socks.”

And they were like, “Boo!” and so Jesus was like, “The Cavalier is not walking through that door!”

If I have something to say about the NBA that affects me personally, isn’t being said anywhere else, or that I simply need to get out, I’ll say it. I promise.

Perhaps of more importance is that Texas wants to be independent again, according to its governor.

I’m sure there are many horrible reasons this shouldn’t happen, but I like chaos. Plus, this could start a whole trend – Mexico could be next, and they could be like, “…and we want to be an island, so unscrew the subterranean latches and let us go. Oy.”

Tomorrow or the next day I’ll be previewing the NBA Playoffs with @ColleenBurns. Then you won’t know what to think.

(Yes, I’m upset that the Cavs aren’t determined to get that home 40-1 record. You have a chance to go for history, you do it.)

Nobody forced me to watch All-Star Saturday Night – I just see missed opportunity in it, and feel a need to express that.

Over three years ago I explained how to fix the [...]]]> This post was truncated majorly, because it was a bunch of b—hing and moaning – there’s no reason for that.

Nobody forced me to watch All-Star Saturday Night – I just see missed opportunity in it, and feel a need to express that.

Over three years ago I explained how to fix the entire thing, so it’s not like I’ve never offered positive solutions.

I think I simply have some real issues with today’s players. Mainly, that none of them want to metaphorically kill each other.

You can probably guess what I thought of HORSE – maybe it was fun to be there, but there was something bizarre about the crowd going nuts on the big misses.

I’m pretty sure I could launch a 3 from behind the stands and have it bounce clean off the backboard, so conceptually, something was wrong here.

These are the most amazing athletes in the world – put them in contests/situations wherein they are doing things only they can do.

3-Ball is what it is – the most interesting thing is that David Robinson is still built like a tank. Skills Challenge also is what it is, and at least it’s not 3-Ball. This is an old and repeated point, but they need to get the actual All-Stars in the 3-Point Shootout.

And so…the Dunk Contest. Here was Dwight Howard’s assessment:

“It is all about having fun,” Howard said. “Hey, [Nate Robinson] won fair and square. The fans loved it. We tried to put on a good show. That’s what it is all about at All-Star weekend. It doesn’t matter who wins or loses.”

I guess this is just how it is now, but I don’t think Michael Jordan ever went into a dunk contest thinking it didn’t matter who won.

(SIDEBAR: When is Shaq going to step in on this Dwight-as-Superman thing? Howard seems like a genuine, friendly, and great guy, but what he’s done here is misguided, and that’s being nice about it.)

Of course, all thunder was taken by LeBron James, as he awkwardly read a press release during the final round that he’s in for 2010. Here’s what I said on Twitter.

That new Dallas stadium holds 100K+ so don’t think this wasn’t planned like 3 years ago by LeBron and Co.
about 8 hours ago from TwitterBerry

And you can expect Wade, Melo, and all the rest in it too I bet.
about 8 hours ago from TwitterBerry

I mean, on one hand, you have to admire the marketing prowess of LeBron’s team.

On the other, you might as well just turn it into pro wrestling, because this’ll be the most choreographed, pre-planned, slickly presented Dunk Contest in the history of man.

And it won’t matter who wins, and yes I’ll watch it, mostly because everyone will be late getting there.

He sent me over his stab at Texas this morning.

Really, [...]]]> As many of you know, my brother Tim, aka the self-dubbed Colonel T (who also appears in my book), pops up here from time to time, when he’s not busy raising his children and/or working and/or neglecting his own website.

He sent me over his stab at Texas this morning.

Really, his singularly unique artistic stylings deserve a bigger audience. In any case, I think he got Texas more or less correct – I’ve actually avoided looking at any pictures of Texas recently, so I can make another attempt at it soon.

This was Rachel’s Texas – she’s the girl at the gym with the pretty smile.

She accused me of trying to make her feel stupid, but I think her open border there at the bottom is actually [...]]]> I’m not sure someone could beat this version of Texas unless they were intentionally doing it wrong.

This was Rachel’s Texas – she’s the girl at the gym with the pretty smile.

She accused me of trying to make her feel stupid, but I think her open border there at the bottom is actually some subtle social commentary about illegal immigration.

That’s not stupidity; that’s social commentary via art. That takes smarts.

And yes, this drawing is right-side up – she’s the first person I’ve seen put the right angle portion on the bottom like that.

Anyway, let’s talk about what a bad person I am. I watched the first quarter of Cavs-Blazers, and turned it off. Congrats on the win – I’m disloyal and a non-believer.

Truth be told, I was just too wired after watching Lost to concentrate on it. This is by far one of the greatest shows of all time, and the way it makes itself feel like a completely new program every single season is amazing.

I’m not going to get into it in this post – if you want to discuss in the popular new commenting system, go ahead. I’m just trying to wrap my brain around it all still.

I love this time-jumping thing – it’s a really clever (Becky!) way to show us the secrets of stuff like the pirate ship and the four-toed foot without taking a break from the narrative. And agitated Sawyer is the best Sawyer there is.

My one, solitary problem – I think the end of the show is way too obvious at this point.

I guess she likes boats? I do enjoy how she made several passes at the lower left side, hoping the correct lineage would just kinda fall into place.

Here is another example, from @fancyfembot on Twitter. (This is her website btw – [...]]]> This one is Becky’s roommate. I don’t know her name:

I guess she likes boats? I do enjoy how she made several passes at the lower left side, hoping the correct lineage would just kinda fall into place.

Here is another example, from @fancyfembot on Twitter. (This is her website btw – she has her own online sandbox.)

Y’know, I think she actually got pretty close?

Everyone seems to get some version of that seemingly iconic upper right angle portion. The rest? Impossible – I could try it today and it’d be just as bad as my first one.

Becky suggested I try New York, but I’m almost sure it’ll just be a warped oval when I’m finished.

The other is my old “draw Texas from memory” pick-up line game. Well, Becky is on Twitter, and thanks to that and [...]]]> Hey, so you may remember two things from history – one is a Hall of Famer – one of the greatest of all readers I’ve ever had; she who is called Becky.

The other is my old “draw Texas from memory” pick-up line game. Well, Becky is on Twitter, and thanks to that and magic, you are now witness to this:

First one to say something about the Beanie Baby is banned forever. I made $14,000 cash in one day on those things in December 1997, therefore they are to be embraced.

By the way, she said this to me when I showed her my Texas:

@brianspaeth your Texas has an extra appendage. how Freudian.
39 minutes ago from web in reply to brianspaeth

What does it mean? I don’t know psychiatrying.

While I’ve been torturing myself over Pencils’ harsh rejection of my friendship, Greg Oden’s Tonsils brought up a great point in the last post’s comment section:

Who cares about [...]]]> (I think he’s de la travel today, and thus may not comment, but I guarantee Colonel T loves Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro’s hair.)

While I’ve been torturing myself over Pencils’ harsh rejection of my friendship, Greg Oden’s Tonsils brought up a great point in the last post’s comment section:

Who cares about Pencils when we can talk about airplanes and hot women. Christ Brian, we’ve got priorities!

This is so true.

Now, there are a lot of different ways we can talk about hot women and airplanes.

First of all, you should all embark on a day-long journey to guess who my Long Distance Rock-star Connection Girlfriend actually is.

Here’s a hint – she’s not even imaginary this time, and if you’ve read the blog and the song, there are plenty of clues.

The second thing you can do (if you’re a Facebook member) is join my group, “People Who Can’t Spell AIRPORT”.

It’s currently at 30 members, and I just amped up the membership drive with the following message:

Hi everyone,

With the holidays approaching, a lot of us will be using the places that we can’t spell to go to other places faster than we can in cars.

It’s really important we support each other during this time, and reach out to others who may share our problem, ie not being able to spell the place with the airplanes.

Thanks again for your support,

Brian

You don’t need to be my personal Facebook friend to join – it’s open to everyone.

We have meetings every week to continue and try to figure out how to spell AIRPORT, and also to share our stories about how this humiliating disability has ruined our lives over and over and over again, many times over again and again, over again, again.

Two other notes – the Cavs looked great last night (more or less).

Ben Wallace seems mega-refreshed (more or less), and Mo is doing what he’s supposed to (more or less). Once this team gels, they could be scary – the most interesting thing will be to see what they get for Wally.

(My secret wish…Carlos Boozer…?)

As for the Obama election – it’s an amazing thing, and I mean that in all sincerity. I feel about the same as Mark Cuban does aboot it.

Now it makes me sad. It doesn’t seem like AI should go out as a number-changed, salary cap casualty, does it?

What’s next – coming off the bench for the Celtics next season?)

If you [...]]]> (This made me excited when it happened, but I guess I thought it was 2001 for a moment.

Now it makes me sad. It doesn’t seem like AI should go out as a number-changed, salary cap casualty, does it?

What’s next – coming off the bench for the Celtics next season?)

If you missed the comments section of two post of yore, you missed Fios’s depression over my ability to connect with a rockstar long distance girlfriend.

Here’s what he said:

I’m not gonna lie man, I am jealous. My personals ad has clearly stated a preference for women who like killing horses and so far I’ve only met a girl who enjoys mocking them from afar. Commitment is so sexy.

Whether that makes you sad, mad, or glad, it brings up a crucial point, and something I’ve left you all out of the loop on:

What happened to my horse, Pencils?

You may or may not remember, because I may or may not have mentioned it, but Pencils may or may not have gone on a horsey-date and never came back.

Well, just by chance, I got a letter from Pencils lasterday, and I thought I’d reprint it here:

NAY! NAA-AAAY!! NAA-AAAY! NAY NAY NAY!!

NAY! NAY NAY!! NA-AY! NAAAAAAY! NAY NAY N-NAY! LOL

NAYNAY, NAY NAY NAY, NAY!

NAY,

PENCILS

Nice, right?

Just because he owns some big company now, he thinks he can talk down to me. I hope I never see you again, Pencils.

By the way, here’s some history – thanks to Facebook, I was recently reminded that I’ve always been insane.

I have little recollection of this, other than it sounds right, but apparently one old classmate’s primary memory of me is that I gave a speech in YE OLE ENGLISHE for no reason in class once, utterly befuddling the teacher.

Facebook is the strangest thing in the world. I guess that makes me sound old or something.

You think about it, and like the kids today are all growing up with this stuff, so like when their a-hole horse gets-rich-quick and teases you about not giving you any of the money, it’s just normal that the whole world finds out.

Mo Williams is really good at his basketball playing.

I’d like to see Danny Ferry go snag Antonio McDyess once DEN releases him. The guy wants to win, so he’s not going back to DET, but he can [...]]]> (I watched but slept through the entire Cavaliers win last night, but they looked great.

Either way, the big winner in the DET-DEN deal is CLE, provided they’re able to see a wide open window when it’s right in front of them.)

There’s nothing important going on today except for the two candidates’ respective groups deciding the quickest and most efficient manner with which to protest the voting results.

I can only assume this is what will happen – it’s how the country works now.

Concern isn’t something gnawing at me, though. At least not over the election.

No, I’m much more angsty about the reaction to my airplane song from the other day. It was written specifically for someone, and this was her response.

I looooved my song. I wasn’t sure about it at first; it seemed a little plane. Get it? “plane?”

Nah, it was very sweet and just reaffirms our rockstar connection. When u [smudged out/unreadable]? I need some [unreadable]!

Clearly, this girl knows I’m meant to be a rockstar, as opposed to the 14 other professions I’m currently pursuing.

The big problem, though? She must’ve spilled some dirt all over her computer before sending this, because there are crucial pieces of dialog missing here.

What is it she needs? What if she needs anti-poison pills? What if she’s suicidal and needs poison pills? What if she just needs some hugs?

I welcome your analysis, but I have to tell you, a girl who just haphazardly spills soil all over her computer, then sends it to me?

I don’t know if that works long term. Soil is for growing vegetables, not for hiding the true intent of your love-letterish emails.

This is a song I wrote for a special someone. I hadn’t thought about airplanes in so long, and after spending time with her, I really wanted to think about them again.

This just spilled right out of my heart…directly. I only have the music in my head, but it’d be like an [...]]]>

This is a song I wrote for a special someone. I hadn’t thought about airplanes in so long, and after spending time with her, I really wanted to think about them again.

This just spilled right out of my heart…directly. I only have the music in my head, but it’d be like an 80s Bon Jovi power ballad:

AIRPLANE IN THE SKY
BY BRIAN

Airplane in the sky,
There you go,
I don’t know where you’re goin’,
But you’re in the sky.

Your wings keep you up there,
That’s so nice,
The stewardess,
Gives out drinks with ice,
Everybody’s happy,
All up in there,
They hope you don’t crash,
And I know you won’t!

Chorus:
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY!
OH, I DON’T KNOW WHY!
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY (EYE-EYE)!
I WISH I WAS ON YOU!
SITTIN’ IN YOUR NICE LEATHER SEATS (So plush…)

The clouds are no object to your mighty jets,
The jets are engines and they run on gas,
It’s not like car gas, oh no-no,
It’s like jets for planes,
And that’s so damn different!

(***Cool extended guitar/saxophone riff-off back and forth***)

I see your picture in a magazine,
But Airplanes Weekly just isn’t the same,
Cause all you airplanes,
You’re not just like us,
And seein’ you in person,
Not in 2-D,
I wanna take you in my arms,
But you’re a huge airplane!

Chorus:
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY!
OH, I DON’T KNOW WHY!
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY (EYE-EYE)!
I WISH I WAS ON YOU!
SITTIN’ IN YOUR NICE LEATHER SEATS (So plush…)

AIRPLANE IN THE SKY!
OH, I DON’T KNOW WHY!
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY (EYE-EYE)!
I WISH A LOT OF THINGS!
BE MY AIRPLANE! BE MY AIRPLANE!!

(***Cool extended keyboard/guitar riff-off back and forth***)

Now, baby, now we’re gettin’ close,
To the first quarter of this song bein’ done,
Long way to go,
Just like your wings are long (and beautiful),
It’s gonna get intense,
Just like my gaze,
I’ll sit in your first class,
Or even the back,
As long as we’re together,
And you’re going over 400 miles per hour!

Chorus:
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY!
OH, I DON’T KNOW WHY!
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY (EYE-EYE)!
I WISH I WAS ON YOU!
SITTIN’ IN YOUR NICE LEATHER SEATS (So plush…)

I wanna tell you somethin’,
I never told no one,
I don’t know if ‘no one’ is two words or one,
If it’s one, then it’s pronounced “noon”,
So that’s kinda bad,
Unless it’s in writing,
See why everything’s better up in the sky!

(***Cool extended keyboard/saxophone riff-off back and forth***)

I think what you can see what this is building toward,
Three days together,
Each one represented by an instrument,
The keyboard is Friday,
The saxophone Saturday,
The guitar is Sunday,
And they’re going to war!

Chorus:
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY!
OH, I DON’T KNOW WHY!
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY (EYE-EYE)!
I WISH I WAS ON YOU!
SITTIN’ IN YOUR NICE LEATHER SEATS (So plush…)

AIRPLANE IN THE SKY!
OH, I DON’T KNOW WHY!
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY (EYE-EYE)!
I WISH A LOT OF THINGS!
BE MY AIRPLANE! BE MY AIRPLANE!!

Here it comes girl,
Here it comes girl,
It’s gonna get crazy,
Don’t know what’s gonna happen!

(***Mega-cool extended 3-way keyboard/saxophone/guitar triple riff-off back and forth and a third way***)

Chorus:
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY!
OH, I DON’T KNOW WHY!
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY (EYE-EYE)!
I WISH I WAS ON YOU!
SITTIN’ IN YOUR NICE LEATHER SEATS (So plush…)

AIRPLANE IN THE SKY!
OH, I DON’T KNOW WHY!
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY (EYE-EYE)!
I WISH A LOT OF THINGS!
BE MY AIRPLANE! BE MY AIRPLANE!!

Repeat Chorus 17 times (With explosion sounds and additional 3-way riffing until someone wins the riff contest; also the singer has to sing the last line over and over until he loses his voice (no matter how long it takes), and that’s when the song ends.):

AIRPLANE IN THE SKY!
OH, I DON’T KNOW WHY!
AIRPLANE IN THE SKY (EYE-EYE)!
I WISH A LOT OF THINGS!
BE MY AIRPLANE! BE MY AIRPLANE!!
BE MY AIRPLANE! BE MY AIRPLANE!!
BE MY AIRPLANE! BE MY AIRPLANE!!
BE MY AIRPLANE! BE MY AIRPLANE!!
BE MY AIRPLANE! BE MY AIRPLANE!!
BE MY AIRPLANE! BE MY AIRPLANE!!

1786
“Hey, we need a road that goes from the Olde Tyme Station to the river.”

1787
“That Olde Tyme Station road is working great. [...]]]> After a month here, I still couldn’t tell you which way is North. Here’s my assumption of how the roadway construction in Dallas went over the years.

1786
“Hey, we need a road that goes from the Olde Tyme Station to the river.”

1787
“That Olde Tyme Station road is working great. Let’s put another one in, that goes perpendicular to it.”

1789
“If two roads are good, three are probably better. This time, let’s take the road, and have it fork for no reason, then twist the northbound lane around over on top of itself. When it does this, we’ll rename it something else, and make it one way. Joey, since you’re my best friend, we’ll also make a two block stretch of it ‘Joey Avenue’ – there’ll be another fork in it at the point, which will also twist around back over the original road, but going the other way.”

1791
“That road we built a couple years ago? Let’s do 10 more just like it, every year for the next 200 years. This’ll be expensive, so we won’t have money for any street signs. Oh, and we need a freeway. Let’s call it ’35 East’, but have it run North-South – that way, people have to look for signs (we won’t have) that say ’35 East, North’.”

2008
“Man, it sure is funny when them outta-towners come in and get lost, even though they’ve got their Blackberry Google Maps, a Google Maps printout, and a navigation system.”

Well, we’re done shooting in Dallas.

The project is a web series called 2WO G2N G2Y.

It’s a long story, but it’s actually an adaptation of a series of poems I licensed from a writer named Eastham Way. They were originally called “The Man Who Carries Two Guns”.

I have no idea [...]]]>

Well, we’re done shooting in Dallas.

The project is a web series called 2WO G2N G2Y.

It’s a long story, but it’s actually an adaptation of a series of poems I licensed from a writer named Eastham Way. They were originally called “The Man Who Carries Two Guns”.

I have no idea if he put them online or not, but they’re really cool. Alas, he hated what I did in adapting his work from dramatic poetry into a comedic web series, so you might say we’re slightly on non-speaking terms.

Basically, I took his poems and turned them into a spy comedy, so you might say I bastardized his entire concept.

The plan for this is to put it online no matter what – this isn’t a WSM? situation.

Will probably put together an extended trailer asap, and then see what happens next, depending on how everything cuts together.

We had a lot of fun prepping and shooting this. The Dallas cast and crew is great, and totally fun.

If this all seems a little scattered, it’s cause it is. I’m either really tired or have some sort of virus from the meat in the “meat soup” prop.

In any case, I’m gonna go ahead and get fat for a few days, since I’ve been living on canned tuna, protein powder, and cucumbers for like the last 6 weeks.

I’ll post some screengrabs for you as I look through the footage. Here are some screenshots:

Kelley Johnson as “Miss Nightstand”:

Hilary Kennedy as “Kristina Von Vendervan”:

Dominic Pace (who also killed in WSM?) as “Commander Barry Crayonchance”:

Charles Solomon, Jr. (who also directed and co-produced) as “Captain Richard Tractorface”:

Some guy as Two Gun Guy himself:

Lawrence Varnado as “Dr. Bobby Porcupine”:

Here’s one more for the road, because I’m going to see my parents soon, and my mom will insist that I’m 2OO SK2NNY:

It’s days like this I wish I really was a robot, so I could reprogram my hearing and vision circuits to filter out any and all talk of this [...]]]> Well, as you can imagine, I’m pretty sick over the Red Sox likely coming back from down 3-1, and thus making it to the World Series.

It’s days like this I wish I really was a robot, so I could reprogram my hearing and vision circuits to filter out any and all talk of this abomination.

I dyed my hair black for this thing in Dallas – it was surprisingly easy, although I can’t imagine doing it if one were a girl and had like long hair. Have been told I did a good job – I think it looks okay.

I have been and am going to be super busy over the next week – we’re doing all the pre-production stuff, and start shooting later this week. Next Wednesday, I’d expect I can get back to regular posting.

Will try to post something from set via Blackberry from T-Mobile.

Things I did yesterday:

1) Went to factory, as seen here.

2) Made jokes in factory.

3) Wore cowboy hat, which I looked shockingly “right” in. I sent a pic to my sister, and she said it was “molesting”, though.

4) Unloaded closet full of real guns, including some awesome ones.

Things I’ll [...]]]>

Things I did yesterday:

1) Went to factory, as seen here.

2) Made jokes in factory.

3) Wore cowboy hat, which I looked shockingly “right” in. I sent a pic to my sister, and she said it was “molesting”, though.

4) Unloaded closet full of real guns, including some awesome ones.

Things I’ll be doing in the next three weeks:

1) Dying hair jet black.

2) Hoping that doesn’t make hair fall out.

3) Running around in factory.

4) Casting “Machine Gun Bikini Karate Goons”, which will be one of the cooler things I do down here. (By the way, if you think that sounds fun – don’t think you need to make a movie to do those sorts of castings. Just type up some pages of a script, and have a casting session. The girls have no idea if you’re actually making something or not. They’ll just assume they didn’t get the part!)

I think that’s all – I may MURDER Pencils, though. I didn’t know this about horses, but they never sleep. In fact, they don’t sleep so much, they actually have 27 hours in each of their days.

Dallas, I might add, is great – when you tell them you want to shoot something in their building, they’re like, “Really? Neat!” instead of like in LA, where they run the other direction and try to hide.

That’s not a knock on LA – it’s just they know better out there.

I just fell off the energy drink bandwagon by consuming 4 triple-size Monsters in 45 minutes.

I also completely did no writing or anything else [...]]]> UPDATE: Since my Texas request is so awesome, I decided I’d better show what mine came out looking like – it’s at the bottom of the post.

I just fell off the energy drink bandwagon by consuming 4 triple-size Monsters in 45 minutes.

I also completely did no writing or anything else today, ’cause I’ve been cranking out 10 pages a day on this script I need to get done, and it’s kinda fried my brain.

Basically, I’m all wired and caught up on all my reading. Thus, this post.

The Dragonball trailer is out, and there’s not nearly enough Emmy Rossum. The above screenshot reminds me that I’ll be seeing it, though.

Here – read this excerpt from the headline of an MSN Money article:

The Dow finishes at levels last seen in October 2004, but losses are cut substantially at day’s end. The decline is prompted by heavy selling around the world. Crude falls under $88; the dollar soars against the euro. Bank of America will raise $10 billion in new capital.

Some of that sounds like good stuff, doesn’t it? I have no idea.

My friends are all freaked out – I lost all my investments back in like 2001, so I’m generally unaffected by all this stuff. All I know is I like things, and Monster is still in business.

I only watched the Hills one day in my life, but it was a hangover day, and I think I watched 29 episodes in a row or something. Thus, I’m all up on it.

Chalk me up as someone who doesn’t care if they’re useless or untalented, or if it’s fake. Audrina is hot with her look-up-all-the-time face and medical enhancements. And her last name is Patridge, not Partridge.

I just discovered this today! Oh, and Heidi’s good-looking too, even though she’s like a Frankenstein.

One thing about Dallas that’s really super fun is my new 15-year old girlfriend. She’s so hot, and she has a fake ID, and everything we do together is illegal. I even let her drive my car to go buy her wine coolers.

You’re MTV. Certainly you can find something better to write about than, “supporting actor from The Shield says he would be in The Shield movie if they make a The Shield movie”.

Y’know what – 99.99% of the actors in Hollywood would be in the The Shield movie if such a thing existed and they were asked to. In fact, 99.99% of the actors in Hollywood would be in any movie if you asked them to.

There are like maybe 15 actors in the entire world who actually say “no” to things. (In fact, this is a list I’m going to make in another post.)

At least make it interesting, and ask Gary Senise from CSI: NY if he would do it.

I apologize if I turn down your Facebook friend request, but I only use it to be friends with people I actually know, or family, which are also people I know. My brother just signed up today, and my best guess says he will never log in again.

Me and Pencils had a counting contest today, and I won, because he’s a telepathic horse, and this was an “out loud only” counting contest. I tricked him.

Target had The Aviator on 2-disc DVD for $5, and American Psycho for $5. Guess who has both of them now? That’s right – the guy who was in front of me in line, and me! Both of us!

I was like, “Hey! You’re getting The Aviator 2-disc DVD and the American Psycho DVD for $5 each! That’s a good deal I’m taking advantage of, as well!”

He was like, “Look around, pal – this is Dallas.”

I looked around like a pal, and he was right – it was Dallas.

Nobody was home today, so I walked around carrying two cap guns and practicing my acting.

For you old schoolers, the beautiful lady formerly known as Miss Gossip has a new blog of her very ownsome. I don’t remember the exact sequence of events, but I think I “discovered” her, among my many other contributions to the NBA blogosphere. Is this true?

Can you draw the state of Texas off the top of your head? Try – I’ll bet it looks really messed up and you feel sad when the experience is over.

Halloweeeeen ain’t ’til manyana…!

My Texas drawing, from memory:

Luckily, there are four of your locations within (roughly) equal distance from where I’m living – one of [...]]]> (Attention 24 Hour Fitness Dallas: I appreciate that you think it’s a nice service to your patrons to have only hot water available for showers, but some of us are crazy, and want to take cold showers.

Luckily, there are four of your locations within (roughly) equal distance from where I’m living – one of you surely can meet my needs.)

If any of you are holdovers from my old site, you know I have a great deal of respect for Mark Cuban.

He wrote a great post yesterday about getting rich. Here is an excerpt:

Before or after work and on weekends, every single day, read everything there is to read about the business. Go to trade shows, read the trade magazines, spend a lot of time talking to the people you do business with about their business and the people they buy from.

This is not a short term project. We aren’t talking days. We aren’t talking months. We are talking years. Lots of years and maybe decades. I didn’t say this was a get rich quick scheme. This is a get rich path.

In my business, I run into so many writers, actors, and “producers” who know absolutely nothing about the actual business, it amazes me. Especially today, where every bit of information on Earth is at your fingertips, there’s no excuse for ignorance expect laziness.

Anyway, there are no jokes here, I just thought it was worth reading.

All the old cliches about “taking 15 years to become an overnight success” and “luck is a combination of preparation and opportunity” are true – I think it’s good to remember it now and then.

(Also, and related to item one, as I went to a new 24-Hour Fitness this morning. It seems like a lot of Dallas streets simply turn into other streets without announcement or fanfare of any kind.

This makes people like me get lost, and suddenly the 24 Hour Fitness isn’t (roughly) equal distance from where I’m living anymore.)

Not physically small – don’t be stupid.

I’m talking about things here in Dallas that I’m really enjoying.

One of these is going into the bank and being able to not have to talk to the teller through [...]]]> In addition to being a sucker for point-of-purchase items, I’m also easily enamored with seemingly small things.

Not physically small – don’t be stupid.

I’m talking about things here in Dallas that I’m really enjoying.

One of these is going into the bank and being able to not have to talk to the teller through 6 inches of bulletproof glass.

I’d forgotten what this is like. My first time the other day, I actually asked the teller if I could shake her hand after she gave me my cashiers check for fourteen million billion dollars.

She laughed, and we shook hands. I told her she had a nice laugh, and asked her if she found me as charming and funny as I found myself.

She did, and now we are best friends.

The thing to really write home about is the parking, though.

And when I say write home, I mean the parking here is so awesome I literally bought Target stationary and OfficeMax pens and wrote letters to everyone I know about it.

Not emails – LETTERS.

You see, while in LA it’s difficult to get through a day without getting a parking ticket, here in Dallas it seems you can park anywhere.

You can park on the street facing the opposite way – it’s the only way I want to park now.

Tomorrow I’m going to try parking upside-down on top of another car, in the middle of someone’s front yard. I bet I get away with it, too – in fact, I’ll bet I’m deemed “wily and creative” for it.

Finally, the girls here are similar to the ones in Charleston that I liked so much – they’re hot, but in a pretty way, as opposed to a “you would make a great high-end hooker” way.

I have nothing against high-end hookers – note that I said they can be “great”.

You will, however, feel completely at home within 2 hours if you’re like me. I love it here.

Mom, don’t take offense to that – it’s not like HOME-home, of course. I’m just saying I’m comfortable; [...]]]> Contrary to what the post title implies, you will not develop a porn addiction simply by being in Dallas.

You will, however, feel completely at home within 2 hours if you’re like me. I love it here.

Mom, don’t take offense to that – it’s not like HOME-home, of course. I’m just saying I’m comfortable; moreso than at any time in the 5-6 years in Los Angeles.

That I’ll have to go back there makes me a little sad, but such is life.

Anyway, I’ll get into the specifics of Dallas after I get a couple more days in, and am assured this isn’t just a 1 day tease.

For now, I want to talk about this awesome thing I heard about on religious talk radio, which is all I could pick up for awhile after El Paso.

(Note to those who are heavily religious – I’m probably about to offend you. And if you haven’t guessed my religious affiliation by now, you aren’t an astute reader.)

Anyway – after the lady who had gotten an abortion came on and asked if there were any ways she could punish herself here on Earth before her eternal punishment in hell, there was a great commercial (sponsored by Catholic.com, no less) advertising a pamphlet called “12 Ways to Beat Pornography Addiction”.

Now, I may be a simple person, or perhaps I’m a little too much of an Objectivist, A=A, black/white person, but I have written a similar pamphlet that I’m giving away for free, right here in the next sentence:

Stop watching porn.

I have a similar program for all you smokers who are trying to beat your addiction:

Stop picking up cigarettes, putting them in your mouth, and lighting them on fire.

Having just finished my road trip, I’m re-addicted to energy drinks, which means I’m back on my program to kick those:

Drink 17 of them before noon, giving myself a level 3 heart attack, requiring medical attention but not an actual trip to the hospital. Bask in the memory of how delicious they were.

See? Life is so easy if you simply allow it to be.

And those religious talk shows are great stuff. I’m usually a Jim Rome guy for podcast/gym listening, but I may switch over to all-God, all-the-time.

My favorite part was the guy’s answer to where the concept of purgatory came from, and his answer was, “Well, that’s just simple logic and reason”.

I should be getting in to DAL tomorrow, and imagine I’ll have my proper work station set up on Thursday, at which point I’ll get back to deleting Boney’s [...]]]> I tried updating from the road, but it’s really hard to drive, type on a Blackberry, cut myself, and try and pop car-wheelies all at once.

I should be getting in to DAL tomorrow, and imagine I’ll have my proper work station set up on Thursday, at which point I’ll get back to deleting Boney’s filthy comments.

One thought I had while driving with like all my expensive computer equipment: maybe I should have shipped it, right? What if I get in an accident?

You never see UPS trucks get in accidents ever, do you? Me, I’ve personally witnessed myself get in an accident seven times.

Do the math, and I’m seven times more likely to get in an accident than a UPS truck, except the math is actually 7 x 0, since it’s zero accidents for the UPSer. 0=0 – that’s universal.

Gas was $3.23 in Tucson, AZ. I ended up stockpiling a bit, since I’ve got a ways to go between now and January, when I get back to LA.

Some people would tell you driving around with 400 gallons of gas in your backseat is a bad idea – I call it a good, and exciting, deal.

Posted via Blackberry from Arizona.