I’ll explain after you read it – it’s below my emotion montage.

Odd. Cellphone call. Foreign accent guys asks for [redacted] ask where he got number, [...]]]> Below is the range of emotions I went through after someone sent me the reaction a turtlecall recipient put on Facebook after they received it yesterday afternoon.

I’ll explain after you read it – it’s below my emotion montage.

Odd. Cellphone call. Foreign accent guys asks for [redacted] ask where he got number, says from our friend Joe. Nonexistent I say. Tries to engage w questions about Sarah Palin, fav TV shows, etc. Told him take my # off list. Never call again.

Guy was charming-really. Could see lonely oldsters engaging in conversation. Creepy. Only told him one of banking Acct #,s Ha ha ha. Just kidding. But something nefarious…

At first I was like “hey I’m just here being cool” and then I was like “they’re supposed to for friends, not nefarians” and you can tell that because I’m holding my head.

In the third pic I’m doing that “goo-goo ga-ga” thing you do to babies, except on myself, and in the last one I wanted to know who turned on my computer while I took pictures of myself.

Another thing is I kept typing beowolf at the start of this instead of below. How does that always happen to me. lol

It all started with this post back in April.

You can see right there in the parenthetical postlude how I knew instantly that something was about to happen.

Alas, here we are five months later or whatever and the book is released.

In the meantime, old friend Bjorn of Half Broke Hotel shared an article with me about one of my most anticipated [...]]]> I will get to the important issue of the Who Shot Mamba? iPhone app being available tomorrow. (Click here to go get it in the iTunes Store – it’s 100% FREE.)

In the meantime, old friend Bjorn of Half Broke Hotel shared an article with me about one of my most anticipated films of this year, The Expendables.

The whole thing is pretty amazing, including at least one instance of Sylvester Stallone calling Ivan Drago “bro”.

Then there’s this part.

It features some of the biggest names of the genre – including Arnold Schwarzenegger, 62, Bruce Willis, 54, Dolph Lundgren, 52, Mickey Rourke, 57, Jet Li, 46, and Jason Statham, 37.

It also stars Brittany Murphy, who died in December of a heart attack.

Of course her death isn’t funny, but the article is all about how horrific the stunts were, the “tough legends” that have banded together, and how Stallone fractured his neck during the shoot.

If you read it all the way through, the placement of that sentence and the context makes it seem like she died of a heart attack during the shoot because she couldn’t handle how intense the shoot was.

Am I wrong.

At the start of the movie, Falcon Heene is a little boy and it says “OCTOBER 2001″ in exciting writing on the movie screen, and the audience is all high-fiving and doing cool fist-pumps together about the creative liberties they’re [...]]]> Umm…if you missed the Colorado Balloon Crisis…I don’t know what to tell you.

At the start of the movie, Falcon Heene is a little boy and it says “OCTOBER 2001″ in exciting writing on the movie screen, and the audience is all high-fiving and doing cool fist-pumps together about the creative liberties they’re already seeing happen.

Well, Falcon is hanging out with his family at a secret government place with Falcon’s dad, who is Bruce Willis, and Bruce is testing his important new excitement balloon for his government boss, and that boss is a Senator, and he is Keanu.

Bruce thought it would be a nice activity to have the whole family test the balloon together, and so Falcon goes in the balloon so they can do that, and the balloon crashes into a lake, and the lake starts on fire, and that’s because the lake was filled with gasoline.

Everyone but Falcon and Bruce dies, and Keanu waves his finger like “no-no-no”, and that means no more balloon experiments for Bruce, and also Falcon does some crying about his dead Mommy.

So then like it says “OCTOBER 2009″ and Falcon is graduating from high school, and now he is Shia LeBeouf, and he is always bitter at the world, and especially at Bruce.

This is because Bruce went on Wife Swapper and swapped some money to get Falcon a new Mommy, and that Mommy is Eva Mendez. After Falcon’s graduation party, Bruce and Falcon are cleaning up, and they yell at each other about who is a man now and who is not, and that’s the meme.

The yelling stops when they hear important cars drive through the front of the house, and they go to the living room to see who would do that, and the important cars are Keanu’s, and that’s because Keanu is the President now.

Eva wears booty shorts.

Keanu’s men grab Bruce and Falcon and Eva and take them to a secret lab to work on a new balloon that can save everyone, and Falcon is wondering what everyone needs to be saved from. Keanu won’t say, and then he gives Falcon some kettle corn and sends him to watch Dancing With Some Stars, and that’s another way to make Falcon feel like he is not a man.

Well Falcon sneaks around and finds out the plan, and he is like, “No-no-no-no-no-no-no!” because Keanu is making Bruce build a new balloon just like his old one, and Keanu will use that to crash the balloon into Lake Denver, which Keanu’s men are filling up with gasoline.

Falcon uses a Google Wave trick to make everyone think they’re in virtual reality, and when they are confused he steals the balloon and launches it, and he is in it when it does the launching.

Keanu is mad now, because Falcon also called the paparazzi, and they are making the online internet go crazy about this wild balloon kid.

Keanu puts guns in Bruce’s face, and so Bruce calls Falcon and tries to tell him how to drive the balloon, but Falcon is all like, “Oh now you think you’re a good dad, well let me tell you a thing or two about your booty wife.”

Then Keanu brings up a viral video on Falcon’s screen, and it’s of Keanu’s men pouring soda all over Eva, and also teasing her with chainsaws and calling her names that are not nice.

Keanu says that if Falcon doesn’t crash into Lake Denver, that they will keep doing that, and also they will start doing it to Bruce, and then Keanu will cancel Lost when there are only two episodes left to go.

Falcon swallows real hard and that’s like time for a montage, and now the internet is really loving on Falcon hard, and the montage goes on for an hour.

When it’s over, Falcon is like, “No-no-no-no-no-no!!” because he is about to crash, and he asks Keanu to explain why he wants to kill Lake Denver so bad, and that’s because Falcon wants to at least have solid reasoning behind his exciting balloon death.

Keanu says he hates lakes, and that’s when everything starts to go crazy on the computer screens, and the balloon crashes into Lake Denver, and that’s in 3-D.

The paparazzi is so excited to have a dead kid to talk about finally, and like there’s a man running out there so he can be the guy to pull out the body, but he falls down, and the internet likes that one a lot.

Everyone takes their shovels and pops the balloon, but all that’s in there is some kettle corn. They are all like “wtf” at not getting to be famous heroes on TV, and the paparazzi shows everyone that on their touchscreens.

Back at the secret lab, Keanu isn’t sure what’s happening, and we know this because he is screaming that he isn’t sure what’s happening.

That’s when Falcon jumps down from the attic, and it turns out Balloon-Falcon was just virtual reality. Real-Falcon says he was doing a trick so Keanu would admit his evil plan, and maybe people won’t vote for him again.

They have a fistfight, and Falcon wins the fight, and Bruce admits he’s a man, and gives him beer and a passport. Also, Bruce gets diabetes at this part, so they go to the hospital, and Eva meets them there.

Falcon starts throwing up for the paparazzi, and so he touches Eva’s booty and him and Bruce like wink at each other for their cool way they figured out to be on TV, and that’s the twist, but nobody cares because for sure Falcon will have more adventures.

On a conceptual level, I was so excited I didn’t even take note of what the movies were – I do remember that the cover pic was from Hart’s War, so let’s assume [...]]]> I was in Frys lasterday getting a new internal hard drive for the Mac, and saw this Bruce Willis Triple Feature.

On a conceptual level, I was so excited I didn’t even take note of what the movies were – I do remember that the cover pic was from Hart’s War, so let’s assume that’s one of them.

Anyway, I like this idea so much, I decided that after the Who Shot Mamba? DVD is released, I’ll be putting out a limited edition version of the film that’ll be titled Brian Spaeth Single Feature.

It’ll have several commentaries, all either by me, or featuring people who are only allowed to talk about me and my contributions to the film.

I’ll maybe Photoshop this up when I get the Mac back on Thurs. I have the HD, but have to go back to Apple so they can like do stuff so it doesn’t melt or give me bronchitis or whatever.

In adjacent news…the Who Shot Mamba? website is officially up and running.

All kinds of good stuff over there, including Prelude to a Who Shot Mamba?, the official free mini-book that like tells you the origins of some of the movie’s more eclectic content.

What actor or actress or regular person would you like to see in a triple-feature DVD pack, and what would the movies be.

@thraveboy I think we got shafted. All other planets have moons with fancy names and we got stuck with “moon”. Boring.

@mfeige @thraveboy have you been there? THEN DON’T TALK BAD ABOUT IT!

@thraveboy [...]]]> I backpedaled through a Twitter thread this morning that made my laughing happen like a few different times.

@thraveboy I think we got shafted. All other planets have moons with fancy names and we got stuck with “moon”. Boring.

@mfeige @thraveboy have you been there? THEN DON’T TALK BAD ABOUT IT!

@thraveboy @mfeige Dude, I’ve been there a zillion times. No great shakes, trust me.

@mfeige @thraveboy Alright. Did you help put out the large fire? With Bruce Willis?

@alexiskn @thraveboy Sometimes Bruce Willis is so American that he gives me Post-Modern Surrealism Syndrome.

@mfeige He’s a real American hero!

@brianspaeth @mfeige @alexiskn @thraveboy That whole moon–>been there–>Bruce Willis thread is gold – I want to make a poster.

@mfeige @brianspaeth Do it! I love posters!

I think my favorite is the @mfeige angry outburst in defense of the moon. I actually like to think it was less anger and more like an on-the-verge-of-tears-with-mild-anger expression of shock.

Kinda the type of thing where he’s maybe covering his ears, and like not gonna be hearing that, right? Why doesn’t Bruce Willis have his own G.I. Joe, like they did with Walter Payton and Hulk Hogan?

As you also know, I’ve been connecting with a lot of other filmmakers on Twitter lately, and one of those [...]]]> I’m not a film reviewer by any means, and I think you know this. Generally I can’t go farther than “I liked that” or “here’s what I would’ve done” or “Bruce Willis = A+”.

As you also know, I’ve been connecting with a lot of other filmmakers on Twitter lately, and one of those is Reid Gershbein, who has put a couple films up online, one of which I checked it out over the weekend.

The title – Here, My Explosion… – is right there in my perfection zone, although I would’ve gone a different direction with it – something more like Brad Radby’s My Naughty Tornado.

This is an art film.

I don’t generally get into these kind of movies – I’m way too shallow and/or ADD – but this started off with an interesting high concept, so it kept me. Basically, when Sera, a really super pretty blond artist, drinks coffee, weird stuff happens. It’s somewhere in the area of telekinesis – I don’t know that it’s ever fully explained.

Somewhere along the line, people learn about themselves and other stuff happens. I’ll be interested to hear Reid’s take on his own work, and what he was going for – I’m guessing it’s open for interpretation. Here. My Explosion… is a little talky and meandering for me, but remember that you’re getting that opinion from someone who’s seen Bad Boys II 47 times.

The one definitive thing I can say is that the lead actress, Eleese Longino, was phenomenal. I don’t know if she’d worked with Reid before or if she’s just that good or what, but everything felt very natural and real, and her performance kept me engaged. The shooting style – something done on a Flip called tilt-shift – contributed to this, as well. It was all really organic, for lack of a better word.

If you’re into experimental films, I’d go take a look. (Kingsley – I’m looking at you.)

You can watch the film right here and Reid is over on Twitter here.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here – it’s available in paperback, or iPhone/Kindle for only 1.99.)

Old friend of YAYsports! Jordi Scrubbings wanted to interview me for his online internet website blog, so here’s how it went down. You can learn really deep, personal [...]]]> (This is a special post that’s all about you – the dear readers. Of course, one might even say it’s a post about me, via you.)

Old friend of YAYsports! Jordi Scrubbings wanted to interview me for his online internet website blog, so here’s how it went down. You can learn really deep, personal things therein, such as:

In my personal life, there’s nothing new, but I taught my nieces to say EASTER IN YOUR FACE whenever anyone mentions Easter, and also that everyone in Michigan is sad all the time. They just turned three, so if you ask them about Michigan, they say things like “nobody’s car starts there” or “they don’t have toys in Michigan” in really sad voices.

The bigger news is Sir Pooh de Bear is the first person to utilize the video comment function on the Disqus. This is a great way to become my favorite person.

(I assume it was easy to do – I have no idea, but I saw on 60 Minutes that they’re pushing cold fusion again, which is great news for President Keanu.)

By the way, I’m now friends on Facebook with @ColleenBurns and @alexiskn, which means I have access to all kinds of exciting and important info.

Did you know that @ColleenBurns is a fan of both the Seventy-Sixers and the Magic? She’s happy and sad and happy and sad today. Here are a few questions from my in-depth NBA Playoff preview I did with her:

3) At 6-3, I’m eligible for your dating pool, but I have a fear of dating tall girls, because if love happened and then marriage happened and then kids happened, and then those kids weren’t good at basketball, there’s a chance they’d just be 6-9 and gawky/awkward. Thoughts?

- i actually also have a fear, that 2 talls make a shortie…i have to say, it’s all a coin toss and as long as they have 2 rockin’ parents, it’s gonna be a rockin’ kid, awkward or not!

I’ve never considered this, nor have I ever referred to an un-tall person as a “shortie”. I’m inching toward the corner wherein I don’t have any kids until I can fully manipulate his genetics.

5) How do you feel about hand-holding over the internet?

LOVE IT!

Me too.

Having watched enough of everyone this weekend, it’s a Cavs-Lakers Finals, and I don’t see either one encountering a problem getting there.

Bookmark this post, and remember the following: Cavs-Magic will be the biggest case of NBA media fraud since Jordan-Drexler.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

As Coach Mike ran the bench into the ground – thereby defeating the purpose of “rest” to some extent – I couldn’t help but [...]]]> I know I’m not supposed to care that the Cavs lost to Philly lasterday, giving up a chance at an historic 40-1 home record for the season, but I do.

As Coach Mike ran the bench into the ground – thereby defeating the purpose of “rest” to some extent – I couldn’t help but have my teen angst.

I don’t condone this “we don’t care if we lose blah cliche cliche cliche only about the championship cliche blah cliche cliche cliche cliche” talk.

I guarantee some of those guys do care about being on a team that did something only one other team in history has done.

(Including LeBron – one-upping Jordan in anything is a legacy/branding boon.)

Stop second guessing potential injuries and resting starters and just play the game.

Yes, I can just see the aftermath of a Game 7 Finals loss: LBJ sulking in the locker room, bemoaning the fact that if only he hadn’t played those extra 20 minutes back two months ago, he would’ve had that little bit of extra energy he needed to get through.

They’ll get so much rest in the first round, how would it have mattered? They’ll sweep DET (with large margins of victory), the time between games in the first round is spread so far that everyone always complains, and Hawks-Heat almost certainly goes seven games.

Sitting down in fear of mythical injuries is playing scared, and I just don’t “get” that. Plus, this just makes the whole thing complicated, because they really should’ve been 40-1, having essentially forfeited for their second loss. It’s like some kind of upside-down asterix on the whole thing.

(By the way, I think Chicago wanted to play Boston, hence their loss to TOR.)

There’s your hardcore NBA commentary. I have no idea how anyone else feels about this issue btw – please let me know.

Here’s a preview of the @ColleenBurns-centric NBA Playoff preview:

…and then totally give you a lap dance =)

See how great Twitter can be if you just allow it to happen?

The only thing that will get rid of my teen angst is if you go read about Brad Radby’s Yard Sale At Grandma’s, a super sensitive movie he made in 2001.

Meryl gets tired, and Bruce figures out what’s going on, especially because the doctor, who is Peter O’Toole, stops by and tells everyone about the Big C and how bad it’s coming after Meryl’s tummy. That’s when Laurence has a heart attack and gets adult diabetes, and Bruce gets a cramp in his shoulder.

I don’t want to say too much, but it’s one of those deeply cutting and personal stories about quirky families.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

Those are all the ones that returned to me, just about two months after they were originally sent. Once again, way to go Post Office.

So @ColleenBurns‘ friend down in Orlando is @alexiskn, [...]]]> Okay, these long-lost DVDs go back out today – the list: Drew, Tim, Dan, Gabe, Jeremiah, Eddie, and Yubo.

Those are all the ones that returned to me, just about two months after they were originally sent. Once again, way to go Post Office.

So @ColleenBurns‘ friend down in Orlando is @alexiskn, and while I promised her I’d name my band At Alexis Kay Enn, this doesn’t satisfy her raw, savage craving for my attention:

@alexiskn @TheNoLookPass woohoo!!! cant wait til i start gettin’ some love, too! (AHEM @brianspaeth!)

@alexiskn bored. laundry. tummy ache. and for the record, mad props to baked potatoes (.com)

Now, while @ColleenBurns is gaining on my list of favorite Twitter girls, never, ever forget that @halfbee29, @kelliesimpson, and @MelissaPR are 3 of the 4 top seeds in the inevitable tournament.

(Prediction: @halfbee29 will request removal from anything to do with this by the end of the day.)

This @alexiskn is interesting in her own right, though – don’t write her off as an @ColleenBurns wing-girl. Check out her profile:

i love my dog, cheese, robots, wine, movies, feather pillows, clive owen, texas, typography, museums, macs, beaches, dirk nowitzki and LOST. i hate purple.

Minus the dog and museum, everything’s looking nice – I’ll bet she doesn’t even know I had an adventure in Texas last year, or that I have a horsey named Pencils.

Like, @alexiskn and me could hang out and talk about Lost, movies, robots, and fonts for hours, providing she locked her dog in the closet.

That said, I’d really like to see how she reacts to me putting a photo of @ColleenBurns in her post. I couldn’t help it…I love when girls wear glasses, even if they apparently love Twilight, and are standing next to JJ Reddick while he’s having high blood pressure.

@alexiskn, in sharp contrast, hates Twilight, like normal people do.

Finally, just so this isn’t completely about other people, go read up on the latest from Brad Radby, 2001′s Dragon’s Game, Back 2 Back.

Keanu is back as the President once again, and this time it’s gonna be even harder for Bruce Willis’s Hank Dragon to stop him from launching all his cold fusion missiles.

When they get to the Iraq, they go undercover to find out the truth, and when they do, it’s even worse than they thought, because the cold fusion missiles are huge. Bruce decides that this time it’s personal, and he’s going to punch Keanu harder than ever, and everyone will know the truth about their bad guy President.

By the way, I don’t know why people buy books that are on the internet for free, but it seems to be working for me so far.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

Those of you who have read the book know when in the narrative you’re told to play this ominous, doomsy, track. The rest [...]]]> In celebration of me and @ColleenBurns having impending BFFness – you know you can feel it – here’s the until-now unrevealed to the public soundtrack to Prelude to a Super Airplane.

Those of you who have read the book know when in the narrative you’re told to play this ominous, doomsy, track. The rest of you have sad faces.

The three composers are:

Daniel J. Coe – he did the score to WSM?, and saved that movie in more ways than one. Like, seven ways.

Rob Gokee – I’ve known Rob for like three years now. He got me on Twitter, so in some ways he saved my life. (Rob on Twitter.)

Kevin Samuels – Kevin is my lost brother from another life. This is the guy I lived with back in September, when I was subletting in that Armenian building. We share the exact same taste in everything, to an uncanny degree. (Kevin on Twitter.)

I have interviews with all these guys also, which one day I’ll post – I swear. I implore you to listen to this all the way through – Kevin’s track is maybe the most doom-laden of all.

Just to empty the closet out, here are all of Eastham Way’s poems.

The personal emailing we’re doing is so fun, I can only hope it continues for another week, or maybe even 10 days, [...]]]> Don’t get nervous, but I’ve now shared personal email conversation with @ColleenBurns, and while her email address isn’t “hereiam@gmail.com” like I’d hoped, it still fits into my mental picture of her.

The personal emailing we’re doing is so fun, I can only hope it continues for another week, or maybe even 10 days, or maybe even forever.

We’ve even given each other nicknames – I call her Colleen, and she calls me Shaq Jr.

Here’s something I didn’t know about her, and while I didn’t find it out in our personal emailing we did, I did see it on her Twitter feed lasterday.

about to take my benedryl for the night… u know what is coming, yes @alexiskn a # =) #iheartbenedryl

That last part may be a fun code of some kind, but this sure sounds like she takes a Benedryl every single night, and then calls this other person, @alexiskn, and they have big smiles on the phone together.

She hearts benedryl.

Name brand, or just like a generic Rite Aid brand? You wanna know it! I’m the one who shares personal email conversations, though – so only I have the means to find out.

Cavs look like they’re gonna nail this home record thing – I hope they slaughter Washington by 50 tonight.

Today’s Brad Radby epic is the first one that really has heavy continuity ties to Prelude to a Super Airplane, and that’s Andreanna Marsupial and the Case of the Seven Loves. I’d explain it further, but one doesn’t really need to know the details to understand the jokes.

This was maybe the first big hiccup in Brad’s career on a personal level, as he simply didn’t get along with the woman who wrote the book series the movie is based on. Also, Bon Jovi plays the bad guy.

Andreanna Marsupial, who is Natalie Portman, is 13 years old, and she just moved to a new town that’s really cloudy, and there are no sunshines. Her dad Lugustus Marsupial, who is Bruce Willis, is a detective, and he always has weird and magic cases to take on. Mom is dead, and she is Juliette Binoche, and that’s a flashback sadness that everyone has in their hearts at breakfast because the pancakes and juice aren’t there.

Anything you want to know about Colleen Burns, you let me know in the comments, and I’ll see if I can find out.

Personally, I’d like to produce a series of short films where she walks into places and does her signature entrance.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

I found this over at iJustine’s site – just watch it and cry, and go give someone a hug about the world, and tell them their shoulder will heal, and that [...]]]> After yesterday’s stunning and upsetting outpouring of emotion regarding your various dislocated shoulders, I think I’d like to be even more sensitive today.

I found this over at iJustine’s site – just watch it and cry, and go give someone a hug about the world, and tell them their shoulder will heal, and that that’s a metaphor for everything.

Here’s today’s Brad Radby movie – 2000′s Spacemappers, which those of you who’ve read PTSA will recognize from the book. Bruce Willis, Ashley Judd, Danny Glover, and Martin Sheen.

This is really the inciting incident:

So Bruce goes back to the lab with Ashley and gives Danny a hug, and then he has to be held back from fist-fighting Martin. But then Martin says that Bruce was right all along, and they need to finish the SpaceMap, because nobody can figure out where the things in space are without it.

Go read the rest, have a laugh, then come back here and have another cry. Then go over there, then go to ESPN for awhile, and then read the Spacemappers thing again, and then do something else.

Most of all, quit your job, and start using more metaphors in casual conversation.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

So of all the girls [...]]]> (You guys are so lucky – I wrote an extended analysis of whether I could achieve Hugh Jackman Wolverine levels of vein-bulging, and then thought better of it, for fear it would be taken as vanity, as opposed to the intended biological and scientific analysis of my own torso.)

So of all the girls I’ve linked to on Twitter, it seems @ColleenBurns is the one who you’ve clicked through to the most. Yes, even more than @kelliesimpson.

As such, I’ve decided it was time to tell the tale of her background picture.

Colleen Burns had a problem.

It wasn’t a major problem, and she’d considered calling it a quirk more than anything. Regardless of how it was classified, however, it had just now created a difficult situation.

Colleen’s problem was as follows. Whenever she walked into a room, she would jut one hip out to the side, place a light and casual hand on her other hip in a friendly manner, and then thrust the opposite hand and arm into the air above her, as if she were a modern day princess.

Once she had held this stance for just under two seconds – long enough for anyone present to notice – she would say in a light, pretty voice, “Here I am!”

This display inevitably won her many admirers, and by nature she was friendly and kind, so Colleen typically wasn’t bothered that she literally couldn’t stop herself from doing this.

But today…today it had created a difficult situation. And it was a situation she wasn’t sure how to fix.

What happens after that is just an astounding action sequence, which I wouldn’t even conceive of trying to describe with words.

What matters is Colleen wins the day, and goes on to change America with her walk-into-the-room-and-say-hello stance.

2000′s The Christmas Child might seem a familiar movie to those of you who have been reading this site for awhile.

Haley Joel Osment, Bruce Willis, Sigourney Weaver, and Michael Caine. The story has changed a little from the traditional – it’s worth another read. I will bless you with a taste of Mr. Radby’s production notes.

3) Haley didn’t understand the end where he had to make babies so I told him what a uterus was and his mom got mad at me. LOL!!!

This was an interesting one, because it started out here on this blog, long before I ever had the idea for this Brad Radby book.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

At this point it’s become clear that what his career was always about – not being able to play well with others – is what is career actually was always about.

He’s having major sadness about it, and even though I like [...]]]> I can’t help but feel a little sorry for Allen Iverson.

At this point it’s become clear that what his career was always about – not being able to play well with others – is what is career actually was always about.

He’s having major sadness about it, and even though I like him, I’d love to see Cavs-Lasers in the first round, because I think all of their various issues would eventually result in the ultimate Sheed meltdown for all-time.

This whole thing where the Wolverine movie has leaked online isn’t that big a deal. I mean, it sucks and it’s wrong, and I’ll be similarly angry when I accidentally leak my movie online tomorrow, but I don’t see it having a huge effect on the box office.

Go read David Poland’s analysis – I think it’s correct.

What’s great is that no matter if it makes a ton of money or tanks, the leak with be credited with doing that.

They’ve got their “out” if it doesn’t perform, and then Wolverine stands in a field and screams. If it takes off, then it was so good, people went and saw it anyway, and Wolverine stands in a field and screams.

If it’s right in the middle, Hugh Jackman stands in a field and screams, but not as Wolverine. Nobody writes anything about it in this last scenario.

(Side note: I don’t think I’m genetically capable of having that many veins pop out of my arms, but I’m now determined to try. Originally this entire post was about that.)

Today’s Brad Radby movie is 1999′s Dr. Wall Street, with Ben Affleck, Al Pacino, Minnie Driver, and Bruce Willis.

One day at the businessman cigar club, Ben finds out his Minnie Driver is also Al’s secret wife, and that she’s from England. The double-crosses are happening everywhere, and it turns out Bruce is bad, and Al knows it, and Minnie knew also, even though she’s never met Bruce.

When Ben finds this last one out, he pulls the fire alarm and runs down the street in the rain, and he’s holding important files when he does this.

I ended up rewriting this one quite a bit, but in the end it came out pretty funny, probably because of the surfing thing in the credits. This was also the first of the book’s soon-to-be excessive and borderline offensive use of the term “The Big C”.

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This popped out of me on Twitter lasterday.

I might start a website called “Idiotic Things I Have Said to Famous People on Twitter”.

I’d probably want to limit it [...]]]> As you know, I’ll never apologize for how much I amuse myself, and sometimes when I amuse myself, I also have actual good ideas.

This popped out of me on Twitter lasterday.

I might start a website called “Idiotic Things I Have Said to Famous People on Twitter”.

I’d probably want to limit it to people in the NBA, just because that doesn’t seem so much like harassment, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun. For example, I’ve said all of these purely by accident.

@jalenrose I like when the ball goes through the hoop and goes SWOOSH!

@paulpierce34 Hey Paul not to be forward but my girlfriend said to ask if you would like to have a romantic lunch date with her.

@paulpierce34 I wrote a movie called Paul Pierce: The Movie and in it you are shopping for Happy Birthday presents for your friends.

@THE_REAL_SHAQ What you think of this beat: Boom-boom cheh, da-boom-cheh-cheh, boom-boom-da-doom (in the 09…09) – thx

Okay, so the Brad Radby book – yesterday you got the Foreword. Here’s a link to the Introduction, by none other than Eastham Way.

I want to get into the movies, though. And I would stress, if you’re gonna read this online, do it in order.

While it’s very skip-aroundable in many aspects, there is a definite narrative, especially inside the production notes.

Brad Radby’s first released movie was Dragon’s Game, which came out in 1999. It was the start of a major new franchise for Bruce Willis, wherein he played a college football coach in Hawaii, who was also an action detective.

His main nemesis was always the President, and in the glory days of the franchise, this was a role inhabited by Keanu Reeves. An excerpt from Brad’s own summary of the movie:

When Bruce wakes up he’s in a coffin, and the coffin is hanging off a bridge, and when Keanu blows up the bridge, that’s how he’ll kidnap the scientist from his electric magnet car, and then he’ll get the stolen cold fusion recipe, which the scientist took because Keanu wants to tie the cold fusion to a missile and shoot it at other countries.

Keanu explains this to Bruce, and when Bruce tries to be sneaky and get out of the coffin, Keanu is like “no-no-no” with his finger.

Dragon’s Game was one of the first of these that I wrote, and came from some throwaway thing in PTSA, when I needed to name one of Brad’s movies. At the time, I had no idea what it would be.

The entire book is posted in blog form over there, is downloadable as a pdf, and the paperback version is now available, as well.

(The Amazon one isn’t up yet – as soon as it goes live, I’ma link up this and PTSA so you can get both for some kind of exciting discount. The Kindle version is indeed active.)

And just in case you need to make me feel horrible about my click-thru stats, here’s @ColleenBurns from Twitter – feel free to go meet her instead of reading my free and hilarious book.

In her background picture, she’s like, “Hello! Here I am!”

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(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

Let’s note one thing – since some weeks ago, when I went off the grid and made an assertive effort to get over the DEC loss to Washington, the Cavaliers have not lost.

Now that they seem to have fixed their on-court problems, I’m back in November/December mode.

It’s hard not to be, [...]]]>

Let’s note one thing – since some weeks ago, when I went off the grid and made an assertive effort to get over the DEC loss to Washington, the Cavaliers have not lost.

Now that they seem to have fixed their on-court problems, I’m back in November/December mode.

It’s hard not to be, because this team (as I said back then) is like watching the ’95 Indians, and a lot of that is just because they seem to be having so much fun together.

Did I stick with them through an ugly patch? No…but it’s not like I went and cheered for another team. I think I just need to not watch the NBA in January from here forward.

(I’m also aware that stating a team that’s going to win 66-69 games had an “ugly patch” is inconsiderate to fans of say, the Lasers or Knicks.)

The 60 Minutes piece on LeBron was well-done if not Earth-shattering. I found far more entertainment in the piece before that one, where they talked about how lions are being poisoned in Kenya.

For some reason whenever they talked about poison I had laughing happen to me. It’s just that the way they used the word had me picturing people going out in the safari with big, generic looking bottles that had skulls and crossbones on them.

The narrator was always like:

And what are they using to kill these lions…?
(dramatic pause)
POISON.

Okay, so let’s start breaking down my second book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby (The Complete Filmography 1999-2023).

Radby and his first film The Exploders are pretty integral to the plot of Prelude to a Super Airplane, but this book is completely accessible whether you’ve read that or not.

It’s mainly his own summaries/analysis of all his films, which were primarily made between 1999 and 2013. He is best described as some combination of Brett Ratner, Michael Bay, and myself.

That said, the book is allegedly written in 2023, 10 years after the events of PTSA, so here and there you receive some nice hints into what happened after the 47-story Super Airplane left ground.

Let’s start with the HISTORICAL NOTE and FOREWORD.

In the spring of 1998, Brad Radby quietly directed his first movie, then titled The Exploders, and starring Bruce Willis, Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Diane Lane, Chris Rock, and Gene Hackman.

When it was finally released in May of 2013 as BRAD RADBY’S THE EXPLODERS, the film industry was changed forever. In the years between, Mr. Radby directed thirty-six other movies, before his alleged death aboard the famed Super Airplane in December of 2012.

Inside these pages, in his own words, Mr. Radby walks you through each of these films, giving valuable insights into the stories, and the stories behind the stories.

Therein, you will also finally learn how the massive typo on the cover of PTSA happened, what the first movie to ever win two straight Best Picture awards was, and how many people survived the Super Airplane ride.

(This seems almost futile, since the percentage of people who click through to my completely, 100% free book vs those who click through when I point out a good-looking girl on Twitter is amazingly off-balance in one direction.)

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(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)
(Read the entirety of my movie parody book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, completely for free.)

In the spring of 1998, an unknown director named Brad Radby quietly directed his first movie.

Titled The Exploders, it starred Bruce Willis, Will Smith, and Keanu Reeves…and it went unseen for 15 years.

When it was finally released [...]]]> So this is book number two: Brad Radby’s Brad Radby: The Complete Filmography (1999-2023).

In the spring of 1998, an unknown director named Brad Radby quietly directed his first movie.

Titled The Exploders, it starred Bruce Willis, Will Smith, and Keanu Reeves…and it went unseen for 15 years.

When it was finally released in May of 2013 as Brad Radby’s The Exploders, the film industry was changed forever.

In the years between, Mr. Radby directed thirty-six other movies, before his alleged death aboard the famed Super Airplane in December of 2012.

Inside these pages, in his own words, Mr. Radby walks you through each of these films, giving valuable insights into the stories, and the stories behind the stories.

Brad loves Mustangs.

Brad Radby’s work has touched us all in some way, and he’s finally returned to tell us how he did it.

A few quick facts, although I’m not going heavy into this until the paperback version is available, which should be Monday or so. (The Kindle version is up and running now, for those of you who have one, or like to read on an iPhone/iTouch.)

1) This is a Prelude to a Super Airplane tie-in, but stands completely on its own. BRBR is extremely accessible to anyone, and if you love movies and/or pop culture of the 90s and ’00s, you’ll love this book.

2) If you’ve read PTSA, then you can stop complaining that it left things hanging. PTSA took place in 2012 – Brad Radby’s Brad Radby takes place in 2023, about a month after the ending of Flight of a Super Airplane, which is a book I will never write.

3) Also for PTSA readers – yes, you’re going to read Brad’s full synopsis and production notes for such works as Brad Radby’s Secret Father, Brad Radby’s The Dating Pill, Spacemappers, and all the rest that were mentioned in there, including what exactly happened when Brad took on the Andreanna Marsupial series.

The best thing is that this book is 100% completely free – you can download a pdf or the full html right now, or you can read it in blog format over there, for those of you who find excessive amounts of Brian Spaeth in one sitting a bit too much.

The blog portion will be rolled out piece-by-piece, and nine such pieces are up right now – I’ll be going through each entry starting next week, and you’ll get what’s essentially a commentary track right here. (Don’t worry, this won’t dominate the site – it’ll be an addendum to each post.)

So why am I giving away an entire book for free? I’ll try and explain that sometime, as well.

Anyway, go over to BRAD RADBY DOT COM and muck around – it’s all really simply set-up and nice and such and such, although I am messing with the format on the blog still.

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(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)