It all started with this post back in April.

You can see right there in the parenthetical postlude how I knew instantly that something was about to happen.

Alas, here we are five months later or whatever and the book is released.

Here’s exactly how it will go:

1) I’ll send you an excerpt from my new book The Christmas Bridge: A Timeless Excitement Fable.

2) You read said excerpt on video to your animal or child. This is preferably a dog, [...]]]> Okay, so I’m giving away some media to celebrate my new book, etc.

Here’s exactly how it will go:

1) I’ll send you an excerpt from my new book The Christmas Bridge: A Timeless Excitement Fable.

2) You read said excerpt on video to your animal or child. This is preferably a dog, cat, or baby. You yourself don’t need to be on video unless you want to – just the receiver of the reading is fine.

NOTE: If you don’t have a dog, cat, or baby, you may use someone who’s willing to pretend they’re a dog, cat, or baby. I actually prefer this, and if they bark or go “goo goo ga ga” while you read to them, that’s even better.

3) You send me the video file via email to brian@turtlecalls.com.

4) I’ll put it online, adding a handsome www.christmasbridge.com thing at the end or overlaid in some fashion.

5) I’ll send you a hard or digital copy of the full book. If you’re a Kindle person, I’ll send you some money dollars you can use to buy the book. (It’s not out until October 4.)

I already have a few of these ready – I need to finish the book’s excitement website before they can go up.

Please note that the offer for a free HARD COPY is only happening if you email me by next Friday, September 24.

After that it’s digital only, because of how I hate going to the Post Office. I only intend to do that once.

If you’re one of the first 20 people to do this, I’ll also send you a copy of either Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, or Prelude to a Super Airplane, or my movie Who Shot Mamba?.

Maybe all of them – it depends on how many I have sitting around on that day and how angst-ridden I am about having to go to the Post Office.

Okay, so email me at brian@turtlecalls.com and we will do all of this – thanks!

That’s good that it happened, so a thank you certificate is what Batgirl can have.

:)

It’s Wednesday and I’m getting a couple emails about the blog that are like, “What’s [...]]]> My favorite Batgirl made a website code that will bring you here if you have your mobile smartphone look at it.

That’s good that it happened, so a thank you certificate is what Batgirl can have.

:)

It’s Wednesday and I’m getting a couple emails about the blog that are like, “What’s up with your website blog?? It used to be better and now you’re barely typing English.”

The Sound and the Fury was revered American literature and nobody complained about that, and here’s some of that book.

I seed de beginnin, en now I sees de endin. If I’d just had a mother so I could say Mother Mother. Caddy smells like trees.

I can’t believe I read that whole American Classic once.

Anyway, Mom wrote one email chat like that too, which is how I know the blog is off the rails, but in a way that is good.

The truth is that the blog is different and here’s how it was last July.

Can’t even read that one is where I’m coming from.

I bet this is great for my consulting business. lol

Let me finish on this book I’m writing at ’cause I’m in a zone with it that has cross-platform grammar carry-over with the blog, i.e. be patient for a little.

BRAD RADBY’S FOREWORD
by Brad Radby

I think holidays are cool things to have happen at you.

Like I was born on July 4th, and fireworks always make me think, “Time to get out of the uterus!”

Okay let’s get real for you about the book. The story is a [...]]]> (Submitted without comment.)

BRAD RADBY’S FOREWORD
by Brad Radby

I think holidays are cool things to have happen at you.

Like I was born on July 4th, and fireworks always make me think, “Time to get out of the uterus!”

Okay let’s get real for you about the book. The story is a cool one and maybe you can find the Christmas meme Brian put in it so you can learn about yourself and how deep you can be.

That’s how we grow and save the poor people from those mosquitos the internet nerds are always complaining about. How come they can’t fix that one again?

LOL!

I hope you like the book when you do your reading with it.

Brad Radby
Augtember 46, 2023

Brad Radby is the two-time Academie Award winning director of Brad Radby’s The Exploders, among many other theatrical motion pictures. He is a survivor of the Super Airplane ride, and resides in Los Angeles with his wife Melinda.

Yes, I’m giving away the Simmons basketball book. It was fine, but my time with it is now complete.

Also, this picture happened with a pseudo-Polaroid Android app.)

So I was at the gym yesterday getting ready to make my muscles happen some more, and as I [...]]]> (This is my outgoing mail today.

Also, this picture happened with a pseudo-Polaroid Android app.)

So I was at the gym yesterday getting ready to make my muscles happen some more, and as I opened my gym bag, I realized I hadn’t put anything in it.

There was just one stray weightlifting glove – I never use these cause I’m a tough man – and a pair of old ePod headphones.

There were no workout pants and/or shorts.

I had a t-shirt on, so no problem there. But I also had on jeans.

I sat in there contemplating what to do for about 15 minutes. I took off my shirt while I did this so anyone who walked in would think I was in the middle of changing, and also so I could do my narcissism I like to have sometimes.

Ultimately I decided to drive away in my car to someplace to buy some pants, and then came back to the gym.

I crawled in so the staff wouldn’t have deja-vu and get scared about how their minds worked.

Have you ever worn casual clothes to the gym.

A lot of people ask me the classic “what kind of music do you listen to” question when they’re trying to date me.

This is not info I disclose readily – it has to come out in an organic [...]]]> (To your right – from the cover page of what I am writing at right now.)

A lot of people ask me the classic “what kind of music do you listen to” question when they’re trying to date me.

This is not info I disclose readily – it has to come out in an organic fashion.

For example, from the following, try and figure out if I listen to the 3 musicians named in the title of this post.

Brian: Hey soul sister is on again wtf
Brian: Who sings this I hate it so much

Girl: Train
Girl: Lolol

Brian: Its so girly lol
Brian: Like is Girly Rock a genre now

Girl: Oh mon brion lol

Brian: I blame the Goo Goo Dolls – they started this back in the 90s lol

Girl: Omg themmm

Brian: Hey Jealousy!

Girl: I love that song!!

Brian: when did that come out
Brian: I think it was like 94?

Girl: I don’t know brian I was like [redacted] then

Admittedly, there’s a lot more interesting stuff than musical taste happening in that exchange, such as relationship-based math.

Here’s another go at music.

Brian: Lolol that Pink song “I’m comin up” is on

Girl: Oh god lol

Brian: I haven’t heard this in a long time
Brian: It’s terrible lolol
Brian: Everybody’s dancin and they’re dancin for me!

Girl: Horrible

Brian: I’ll be your operator you can all anytime, I’ll be your connection to the party line!

Girl: We should remember what year it came out and then use that to compare our ages again

Brian: : /

Last one.

Brian: I was at this party one time and Coldplay came on and this dude LOVED them like in a really hipster/snobby way and I kept saying they were originally called Coldburst
Brian: He made me go read their Wikipedia page he was so pissed
Brian: And I was like “yeah they must’ve had it taken off so nobody would find out”

Girl: I don’t believe you

Brian: You weren’t even born yet when they were Coldburst lol

Seriously, Pink has been famous for almost a solid ten years now. I’m trying to think who she compares to historically – like how will she be remembered 20 years from now?

I don’t thunk her music has really transcended anything, but obviously they still play it now and then, and she’s been in the cultural zeitgeist for a good chunk of time.

What does zeitgeist even mean – I’m in over my head again. Did I just call Pink a Nazi?

The inside of the book was still the same, and like that was so the paparazzi would not go crazy?

Brad used inDesign.

So [...]]]> At the start of the movie, Brad is finishing the new cover for his book, which he did because he has his exciting ADD and wanted to make people confused.

The inside of the book was still the same, and like that was so the paparazzi would not go crazy?

Brad used inDesign.

So like then Brad looked at the 14,000 different formats he would need to re-create to make the eBook version of his excitement book widely available, and like that made him do his vomiting, and he cursed society again.

But Brad saw that now the Kindle software was available for PCs, and so that was a good thing that he liked to have happen, even though Kindle formatting robs him of all the exciting fonts that he likes so much, and that it was a somewhat archaic device the day it was released.

Brad right then like at that moment made a decision that until the Apple Tablet arrived and fixed society, he was only going to keep it simple and have his book only available in three ways: Paperback, PDF, and Kindle.

He also decided this would include any related books that he appeared in as a character, like Prelude to a Super Airplane.

(Brad also knew that he thought it was funny how the publisher was like, “Hey, do you know that you state this Brian Spaeth person is the author, but the cover misspells his name, and doesn’t even list him as the actual author?”

Brad was just like “LOL!! Hit that publish button BRO.”)

At the start of the movie, Falcon Heene is a little boy and it says “OCTOBER 2001″ in exciting writing on the movie screen, and the audience is all high-fiving and doing cool fist-pumps together about the creative liberties they’re [...]]]> Umm…if you missed the Colorado Balloon Crisis…I don’t know what to tell you.

At the start of the movie, Falcon Heene is a little boy and it says “OCTOBER 2001″ in exciting writing on the movie screen, and the audience is all high-fiving and doing cool fist-pumps together about the creative liberties they’re already seeing happen.

Well, Falcon is hanging out with his family at a secret government place with Falcon’s dad, who is Bruce Willis, and Bruce is testing his important new excitement balloon for his government boss, and that boss is a Senator, and he is Keanu.

Bruce thought it would be a nice activity to have the whole family test the balloon together, and so Falcon goes in the balloon so they can do that, and the balloon crashes into a lake, and the lake starts on fire, and that’s because the lake was filled with gasoline.

Everyone but Falcon and Bruce dies, and Keanu waves his finger like “no-no-no”, and that means no more balloon experiments for Bruce, and also Falcon does some crying about his dead Mommy.

So then like it says “OCTOBER 2009″ and Falcon is graduating from high school, and now he is Shia LeBeouf, and he is always bitter at the world, and especially at Bruce.

This is because Bruce went on Wife Swapper and swapped some money to get Falcon a new Mommy, and that Mommy is Eva Mendez. After Falcon’s graduation party, Bruce and Falcon are cleaning up, and they yell at each other about who is a man now and who is not, and that’s the meme.

The yelling stops when they hear important cars drive through the front of the house, and they go to the living room to see who would do that, and the important cars are Keanu’s, and that’s because Keanu is the President now.

Eva wears booty shorts.

Keanu’s men grab Bruce and Falcon and Eva and take them to a secret lab to work on a new balloon that can save everyone, and Falcon is wondering what everyone needs to be saved from. Keanu won’t say, and then he gives Falcon some kettle corn and sends him to watch Dancing With Some Stars, and that’s another way to make Falcon feel like he is not a man.

Well Falcon sneaks around and finds out the plan, and he is like, “No-no-no-no-no-no-no!” because Keanu is making Bruce build a new balloon just like his old one, and Keanu will use that to crash the balloon into Lake Denver, which Keanu’s men are filling up with gasoline.

Falcon uses a Google Wave trick to make everyone think they’re in virtual reality, and when they are confused he steals the balloon and launches it, and he is in it when it does the launching.

Keanu is mad now, because Falcon also called the paparazzi, and they are making the online internet go crazy about this wild balloon kid.

Keanu puts guns in Bruce’s face, and so Bruce calls Falcon and tries to tell him how to drive the balloon, but Falcon is all like, “Oh now you think you’re a good dad, well let me tell you a thing or two about your booty wife.”

Then Keanu brings up a viral video on Falcon’s screen, and it’s of Keanu’s men pouring soda all over Eva, and also teasing her with chainsaws and calling her names that are not nice.

Keanu says that if Falcon doesn’t crash into Lake Denver, that they will keep doing that, and also they will start doing it to Bruce, and then Keanu will cancel Lost when there are only two episodes left to go.

Falcon swallows real hard and that’s like time for a montage, and now the internet is really loving on Falcon hard, and the montage goes on for an hour.

When it’s over, Falcon is like, “No-no-no-no-no-no!!” because he is about to crash, and he asks Keanu to explain why he wants to kill Lake Denver so bad, and that’s because Falcon wants to at least have solid reasoning behind his exciting balloon death.

Keanu says he hates lakes, and that’s when everything starts to go crazy on the computer screens, and the balloon crashes into Lake Denver, and that’s in 3-D.

The paparazzi is so excited to have a dead kid to talk about finally, and like there’s a man running out there so he can be the guy to pull out the body, but he falls down, and the internet likes that one a lot.

Everyone takes their shovels and pops the balloon, but all that’s in there is some kettle corn. They are all like “wtf” at not getting to be famous heroes on TV, and the paparazzi shows everyone that on their touchscreens.

Back at the secret lab, Keanu isn’t sure what’s happening, and we know this because he is screaming that he isn’t sure what’s happening.

That’s when Falcon jumps down from the attic, and it turns out Balloon-Falcon was just virtual reality. Real-Falcon says he was doing a trick so Keanu would admit his evil plan, and maybe people won’t vote for him again.

They have a fistfight, and Falcon wins the fight, and Bruce admits he’s a man, and gives him beer and a passport. Also, Bruce gets diabetes at this part, so they go to the hospital, and Eva meets them there.

Falcon starts throwing up for the paparazzi, and so he touches Eva’s booty and him and Bruce like wink at each other for their cool way they figured out to be on TV, and that’s the twist, but nobody cares because for sure Falcon will have more adventures.

So Yahoo! has broken out with their Twitter clone, titled Yahoo! Meme.

I got an early invite, and near as I can tell, I’m the first person on there [...]]]> (I’m guesting over at The No Look Pass today – may or may not be up yet as you read this.)

So Yahoo! has broken out with their Twitter clone, titled Yahoo! Meme.

I got an early invite, and near as I can tell, I’m the first person on there from the United States, and one of the 2% of users who speak English. Apparently the Meme is big in Portugal, and that country even has its own language and everything.

Being put in this position does have its advantages. For example, I was the first person in history to talk about all of the following on Yahoo! Meme: Michael Jordan, unicorns, honkies, and candy. Can someone put this in my Wikipedia.

My early impression of the service is as follows:

1) I can’t find any people who speak English.

2) There’s no search function for topics, only people.

3) When I search for people, they’re all from Portugal.

4) I’ve been told that “meme” is pronounced “meeme”, which really bothers me. If you’ve read my Brad Radby book (warning: that’s an Amazon link), you know I love memes – I always said it as “mehm”.

5) There’s like this way they make it creepy for you, in that some of the links are like, “go see your meme”. It makes it sound like it’s part of your body, or some pseudo-sexual thing. I say quit trying to be clever and get some functionality in there.

6) Generally, I have no idea wtf I’m supposed to do with my meme.

So there you go – and it’s a big relief I don’t feel any pull to add another another social networking site to the daily routine.

What’s your favorite thing to eat for breakfast that isn’t a breakfast food, and also have you ever put a rock in a microwave, and does the rock get warm if you do that.

(I’m guest-blogging every day somewhere different between now and year-end. If you want a post, let me know and I’ll put you on the sched. Also, go join the Facebook Page for my movie.)

Zack is inspired for sure now, and decides to get serious and organize a Zack Attack. He has to hurry, because Keanu has [...]]]> (This is it – the conclusion to my big budget, theatrical Saved By the Bell reboot movie. Links to the Intro, Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.)

Zack is inspired for sure now, and decides to get serious and organize a Zack Attack. He has to hurry, because Keanu has pushed the button, and the bronchitis is making its way through the tunnels to Bayside City, and it’s going to come out of all the nuclear oil wells right during the the Miss Bayside City Pageant, which is happening at halftime of the Valley City-Bayside City Professional Football Bowl, sponsored by Buddy Bands.

Just to make sure nobody tries any tricks, Keanu also has tied all Zack’s friends to different nuclear oil rigs throughout Bayside City, and if any of them are untied from the oil rigs, then the nuclear oil will destroy everything in the United States that Keanu doesn’t like, and that’s like a lot of things, and that’s what Keanu tells Zack in his video blog dot com email.

Zack is like all hardcore about having lots of guns strapped to him, and uses his jet-ski to sneak down the Bayside City Canal and get Screech free, who then uses his nerd tricks on the computer to get Kelly free, and then Slater gets Jessie free, and he calls her “Momma,” and that’s so the people watching the movie can have tingles about their nostalgia again.

Now the gang is back together, but while they were busy getting free, the bronchitis got everywhere, and now everyone in Bayside City is coughing really hard, and the stores are out of Dayquil, so everyone is overdosing on Nyquil, and the news people remind everyone that if you fall asleep with bronchitis you can die. Keanu is on top of the main nuclear oil rig taking bids on the land from the Portuguese gangs, and everything is on fire because he’s smoking a big cigar so close to the nuclear oil.

That’s when Zack gets everyone together and says that only by working together can they stop Keanu, and they all do like a jumping group-high-five, and then get to work climbing up the nuclear oil rigs around Keanu’s oil rig, and then like jumping from their rig to his, and Keanu sees this happening, so like he’s always making their rigs have a nuclear explosion right as they jump off.

That’s really real, but the heroes are serious about just how Zack this Attack really is, and they knock Keanu’s rig down to the middle of the football stadium, which is now filling up with nuclear oil, and Zack is even more mad because a goose died when it got nuclear oil on its feathers and lungs, and that’s when he stands up like a man and rips the last shreds of his tattered Bayside High t-shirt off, and even Slater is like, “Whoa, Preppie – what are you doing??” and Zack looks at him like Bruce Willis and says, “For once…the right thing,” and it’s the most intense thing anyone has ever said ever in a movie.

There’s a big fight in the middle of the pageant between Zack and Keanu, and the good guys win when they use their friendship strategies to drop the Bayside City History Tradition Bell on Keanu just in time, and Zack calls in a favor with Johnny Dakota to get more Dayquil, and like it’s clear that there are gonna be more adventures and that’s THE END.

During the credits is when Jay-Z does his modern and legit hip-hopping version of the original Saved by the Bell theme, and it’s close enough to the old one that everyone watching cries, because they’re also showing black-and-white still photos from the TV show along with the names of the people who made the movie.

At the end of the credits, there’s a trail of oil footprints that lead into the Oval Office, and you can hear Keanu muttering, “Let’s see you save THIS by the bell, Morris…” and that’s an ominous meme for the next movie, The Bayside Knight.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(That’s it – feel free to openly shun the production company who turned this down. Follow me on Twitter here. Read my Perfect Strangers Begins summary right here – it’s Bruce Willis as Cousin Larry, and Antonio Banderas as Balki.)

Lisa explains that all [...]]]> (This is the third part of my summary for a proposed big-budget reboot of Saved by the Bell, titled Saved by the Bell Begins. Casting and excessive rationale is here. And Part 1 is here. And then Part 2 is here. Read all those before you move forward.)

Lisa explains that all the things that have been happening are not coincidences, and that they need to be careful, and not to go to Valley City. Then she does a wink-and-click, and Zack is all like “Whoa, you were in the booty babe jury!” and she does another wink-and-click, but the click sound is in stereo this time, because Lisa can throw her voice. Slater does a click too, but nobody listens, because Artie was in his mouth.

Zack has on big high-tops.

Everyone gets in Mr. Belding’s spy airplane and heads to Valley City, where Zack and Kelly and Slater and Jessie put on tricky disguises and look for the bronchitis containers in an abandoned mall that’s full of holographic-mannequins. It’s scary, so a lot of almost-kissing happens between Zack and Kelly, and then between Slater and Jessie, and then between Zack and Slater. After shutting down the mannequins, they find the silos, and see the bronchitis swirling and bubbling inside, and then notice huge holes all over the ground. Zack and Kelly do some action spelunking, and follow the hole all the way down to a tunnel, and then the tunnel goes to an upside-down hole, so they follow that up, and come out in Bayside City!

That’s not all, because Keanu and his men are there, and they’re trapped, until Slater shows up in his hot muscle car, and he’s wearing a pink tank top. They get in, and there’s a big car chase, and Jessie is not so excited at all because she forgot her pills, and now she’s so scared instead, and she tells Zack this so that the audience can cheer some more about their childhoods.

After a big crash with 426 other cars, Zack gets away, but Slater and Kelly and Jessie get captured, and as they’re dragged away, Slater is like, “Heeeeelllllppppppp ussssssss, Prepppppiiieee…” and that’s in slow motion because Zack is having internal conflict, and because it’s raining.

Zack goes back to Mr. Belding’s spy airplane, and it’s all shut down because he’s getting indicted for doing date rape on Miss Bliss, and that’s because Keanu used his President powers to make everyone think that about Mr. B.

Screech invites Zack for a sleepover, and they talk about how hard it is to be having life issues, and Zack breaks an Elvis statue because of how mad he is, and some documents fall out of Zack’s pocket, and these were documents he picked up at the mall for no reason. Screech thinks maybe they were important after all, because they have big words like “IMPORTANT” and “HANDS OFF” on them in Keanu’s handwriting. Screech reads them with help from his robot Kevin, and they say that Keanu’s plan is to kill everyone in Bayside City with the underground bronchitis, and then auction off the land to Portuguese gangsters from Valley City for big money.

Well, Zack is pretty upset about the Portuguese bad guys maybe taking ownership of his condo, and he decides to give up, because his life was simpler when it was just about making money and delivering morally questionable arguments and action-packed evidence on behalf of his celebrity clients. That’s when Screech gets electrocuted by Kevin, and that’s because Keanu put a lightning virus in him, and also Kevin has on a Darth Vader costume when he does this. Keanu’s men take Screech hostage and make him go and be a prisoner with Slater, Jessie, Kelly, and Lisa.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Tomorrow is the stunning conclusion.

Go read my free movie book Brad Radby’s Brad Radby for more of this type of action and follow me on Twitter here, where I randomly ask people to call and sing to me during the day. Yesterday brought a stirring rendition of “Eye of the Tiger: from @StacyHead.)

Zack is thinking like he better [...]]]> (This is the summary for my proposed big-budget reboot of Saved by the Bell, titled Saved by the Bell Begins. If you missed the intro, including casting and excessive rationale, you can find it here, and then Part 1 is here. You should probably read that first.)

Zack is thinking like he better help fix this, because that’s what his job is as an action lawyer who loves money so much more than people. He almost gets too excited about making so much hardcore money, so Zack stops the movie and says something charming to the audience about what he’s going to do next, and there’s a finger-snap-and-point that he does, to make sure everyone knows that Zack is serious about making that money and getting a bigger beach condo.

When Zack lets the movie start again, Mr. Belding sends him and Slater and Kelly to a hot dancing club called The Max, so they can meet up with the spy scientist that is helping them find out secrets about Keanu’s bad guy plans, and the spy scientist is Jessie Spano. During some cool and trendy dancing and more love triangling, they find Jessie, and Zack is mad because he realizes she’s the one who shot a bazooka at his shoulder when he was on the water-blimp.

That’s when Zack starts to know how serious this is, because he remembers seeing all the big silos of bronchitis on the water-blimp, and he gives those clues to Jessie to work on all night, and she plans to take lots of over-the-counter stay-awake pills to be able to do that, and she’s so excited about it. Because his dancing is too great and slick, Slater gets in a pushing match with the rival football players from Valley City, so that’s a fist-fight to have at this part of the movie. Zack and Slater are both trying to impress Kelly with their good punching they can do, but she knows sexy mini-skirt karate, and she can vote in all the same elections they can, also.

When they get done doing all the fighting, Keanu’s secret service men arrest Zack and Slater, and take them to the first nuclear oil rig field, so Keanu can give them a speech about not messing with his cool and important fossil fuel-based plans. Then the first bit of nuclear oil comes out, and Keanu tastes it, and it’s the good stuff for sure, and that’s another meme. He gets ominous about telling them to stop asking so many questions, and then tells his government fashion nurse, who is Lisa Turtle, to fix them up and then let them go, so that his men can capture them and beat them up again, and she’s supposed to have this go on for a week.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Wow. Part 3 tomorrow – if you found this to be a thing that you liked, you should go read my movie book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, which is online over here and costs you nothing. Keanu has won like six Presidential elections in there, as well. Also follow me on Twitter, because that’s a meme also.)

At the start of the movie, Zack Morris is finishing an action lawyer case for his star actoring client, [...]]]> (This is the summary for my proposed big-budget reboot of Saved by the Bell, titled Saved by the Bell Begins. If you missed the intro, including casting and excessive rationale, you can find it here.)

At the start of the movie, Zack Morris is finishing an action lawyer case for his star actoring client, who is Johnny Dakota, and that means Zack has to save Johnny from the marijuana terrorists’ rocket-powered water-blimp, and get him back to court in time to do a wink-and-click at the booty babes in the jury and win the trophy from the judge.

Zack does all of these things and captures the bad guys, because that means big money and celebrity-lawyer-based fame. Johnny wants to give him pot doobies, but instead Zack just takes sideline-access tickets to the Bayside City Tigers championship football game, where AC Slater is the star quarterback, and on the side he is a pro wrestler and a baseball player and a basketball star and has a pet chameleon named Artie that he keeps in his helmet, and Artie reminds him of the trick plays he can run to be a superstar and win the big game. Johnny is being famous and rings the Bayside City History Tradition Bell to start the game, and while that’s happening, Zack and Slater are having a new rivalry and doing double-flirting with a cheerleader, and she is Kelly Kapowski, and that’s a triple-word-score love triangle.

That’s when they announce the Presidential election results, and Rod Belding wins, and he is Keanu Reeves. Everyone is really excited because now Keanu will do his Special President Promise to install nuclear oil rigs all over Bayside City, and that means the people can get all the nuclear oil out of their part of the planet, and everyone will be rich when Keanu sells it to the gas stations for them.

Zack and Slater are doing their new snap-fingers handshake and being sorta-best-friends, when President Belding’s big brother Richard, who is Mr. Belding, who is Kevin Costner, is like, “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE…?” and he takes everyone to his special airplane, where his spy assistant Miss Bliss, who is Claire Forlani, and his spy nerd, who is Screech Powers, tells them that the nuclear oil is only a cover for Keanu’s real plan, and that the real plan is much worse, and they’re sure of this because they don’t even know what that plan is, and that’s the logic meme for this part of the movie.

Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(Oy! Part 2 tomorrow – if you found this enjoyable, you may want to check out my movie book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, which is online totally for free. Keanu is up to no good over there, as well. Also follow me on Twitter if you like things.)

1) This is envisioned as a feature film – like a big, $150M summer tent-pole. It was actually pitched to the rights-holders – and if you can believe it – turned down.

2) [...]]]> A couple points of interest before you read the greatest thing ever written for people raised in the 80s and 90s.

1) This is envisioned as a feature film – like a big, $150M summer tent-pole. It was actually pitched to the rights-holders – and if you can believe it – turned down.

2) Don’t be fooled by the fact that the cast is primarily the original cast. It’s a complete reboot, not a continuation. Think Batman Begins – nothing from the TV show “counts”.

3) If this was done how I’ve laid it out – like an over-the-top, ridiculous Michael Bay style action movie – I challenge you to admit you wouldn’t see it. I’d venture to say a lot of you would pay $50 a ticket and see it at least ten times, just like I would.

4) Everything would be played totally and completely 100% straight. No winks-and-nods to the audience, except the one time that there’s a literal wink-and-nod.

With those parameters – and links to all four parts of the summary are below – I give you…

LOGLINE
When President Rod Belding schemes to install nuclear oil rigs across Bayside City, his brother Richard forms a team of elite specialists to save everyone…by the bell.

CAST
Mark-Paul Gosselaar…Zack Morris
Mario Lopez…AC Slater
Tiffani Thiessen…Kelly Kapowski
Elizabeth Berkley…Jessie Spano
Lark Voorhies…Lisa Turtle
Dustin Diamond…Samuel “Screech” Powers
Hilary Swank…Tori Scott
Claire Forlani…Miss Bliss
TBD…Johnny Dakota
Kevin Costner…Mr. Belding
Keanu Reeves…President Rod Belding

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

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(If you like what you’re seeing, you should really go check out my free book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby – there’s a little something called Perfect Strangers Begins in there.)

I know some of the more vocal of you hate all the Twitter/social networking stuff when I bring it up, but I firmly believe it’s [...]]]> (I had a typo doing a search for the explosion in this creation to your right, and typed out “oxplosion”. I’ll let you decide what one of those might be.)

I know some of the more vocal of you hate all the Twitter/social networking stuff when I bring it up, but I firmly believe it’s an essential representation of the next phase of the net, and the net as a whole is too large a part of how the world functions and communicates to just blow off as stuff for nerds.

Being the proponent of it that I am, old sports blog friend MC Bias wanted to take issue with me about the whole thing, since he feels it’s some kind of trendy fad for Generation Y on down.

He posted Part 1 of our IM chat yesterday. Today he’s posted Part 2, in which I lay out a very plausible scenario for what might be called Private Cleveland-Tokyo Party 2020.

If you’re at all interested in this stuff and where I think it’s headed, I recommend going over to look at it. (You may remember that I called “online video” a year before YouTube existed.)

Wow, today is so serious on the Fake Action Dot Com Website, isn’t it? That’s okay, because I’m building up to my full summary of Saved By the Bell Begins, which is the greatest movie not yet made, after Brad Radby’s The Exploders.

What are your thoughts on my thoughts? Would you like to attend something like the Private Cleveland-Tokyo Party 2020?

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here – it’s available in paperback, or iPhone/Kindle for only 1.99.)

Brad Radby’s Brad Radby is 4.99 paperback, and Kindle/iPhone is a [...]]]> Yo – Prelude to a Super Airplane is on sale for 1.59 on Kindle/iPhone – so go get it if you haven’t. Paperback is 11.99. This will remain at the lower prices between now and when WSM? comes out.

Brad Radby’s Brad Radby is 4.99 paperback, and Kindle/iPhone is a scant .99.

(This will probably always remain like this, since it’s like completely for free over at the website, anyway – I recommend reading about Will Smith’s only Radby film, Brad Radby’s A Place at the Table.)

If any of you who have already read either or both of these wanted to leave a note/review over on Amazon, it’d be awesome and I really, super appreciate it to the tune of 47-stories. I don’t ask for much and hate being a huckster or any sort.

I can’t promise you anything other than a thank you note with a small, personally autographed gold bar valued at over $40,000 inside.

So like yeah – I know a lot of you have read this already, so I apologize for this useless post. Let me give you this, then: CAVS IN FOUR.

Valkyrie is out on DVD this week, and this is a piece of the web advertising:

I don’t understand how this clears marketing – it looks like some kind of Caveman-Jason Priestly-Tom Cruise amalgam, doesn’t it?

Finally, there’s nothing sadder than when this person starts following you on Twitter, and then it turns out she’s just a spam account.

1) Post about how you read and loved one of my books on Twitter, like @mfeige did.

2) Be a cool girl. (For example, @Brandi88 – she likes jokes and actoring.)

3) Be someone who grew up with me and is my actual BFF.

4) [...]]]> Four ways to be my BFF:

1) Post about how you read and loved one of my books on Twitter, like @mfeige did.

2) Be a cool girl. (For example, @Brandi88 – she likes jokes and actoring.)

3) Be someone who grew up with me and is my actual BFF.

4) Take my idea about saying stupid things to celebrities on Twitter, call the website “JERRY RICE’S HERE COMES THE BLOGS!!!”, and be much better at it than I ever could be.

This is my new favorite site. A sample from his post about Tweeting to Diddy:

Sorry I was at the party and that’s why no BLOGS for awhile.

YO!!!

Okay so now one more hot stuff booty babe isn’t a virgin. WHO’S THE MAN!!!

@iamdiddy Let me know when you taking a nap I want to snap them crackers! LOL!!!

I have only two words, and they are UM and WOW. Jerry Rice’s Twitter is right here.

As far as yesterday’s little experiment with Miss Destructo and Bruce’s Food’s, you can read almost the entirety of the letter I wrote over at her site. Tempest, sirs…tempest.

P.S. I’m apparently an accidental genius of some kind. If you happen to see a company in need of a social media presence, and you’d like to be that social media presence, give me a shout, and I’ll put you together with them.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

Old friend of YAYsports! Jordi Scrubbings wanted to interview me for his online internet website blog, so here’s how it went down. You can learn really deep, personal [...]]]> (This is a special post that’s all about you – the dear readers. Of course, one might even say it’s a post about me, via you.)

Old friend of YAYsports! Jordi Scrubbings wanted to interview me for his online internet website blog, so here’s how it went down. You can learn really deep, personal things therein, such as:

In my personal life, there’s nothing new, but I taught my nieces to say EASTER IN YOUR FACE whenever anyone mentions Easter, and also that everyone in Michigan is sad all the time. They just turned three, so if you ask them about Michigan, they say things like “nobody’s car starts there” or “they don’t have toys in Michigan” in really sad voices.

The bigger news is Sir Pooh de Bear is the first person to utilize the video comment function on the Disqus. This is a great way to become my favorite person.

(I assume it was easy to do – I have no idea, but I saw on 60 Minutes that they’re pushing cold fusion again, which is great news for President Keanu.)

By the way, I’m now friends on Facebook with @ColleenBurns and @alexiskn, which means I have access to all kinds of exciting and important info.

Did you know that @ColleenBurns is a fan of both the Seventy-Sixers and the Magic? She’s happy and sad and happy and sad today. Here are a few questions from my in-depth NBA Playoff preview I did with her:

3) At 6-3, I’m eligible for your dating pool, but I have a fear of dating tall girls, because if love happened and then marriage happened and then kids happened, and then those kids weren’t good at basketball, there’s a chance they’d just be 6-9 and gawky/awkward. Thoughts?

- i actually also have a fear, that 2 talls make a shortie…i have to say, it’s all a coin toss and as long as they have 2 rockin’ parents, it’s gonna be a rockin’ kid, awkward or not!

I’ve never considered this, nor have I ever referred to an un-tall person as a “shortie”. I’m inching toward the corner wherein I don’t have any kids until I can fully manipulate his genetics.

5) How do you feel about hand-holding over the internet?

LOVE IT!

Me too.

Having watched enough of everyone this weekend, it’s a Cavs-Lakers Finals, and I don’t see either one encountering a problem getting there.

Bookmark this post, and remember the following: Cavs-Magic will be the biggest case of NBA media fraud since Jordan-Drexler.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

As Coach Mike ran the bench into the ground – thereby defeating the purpose of “rest” to some extent – I couldn’t help but [...]]]> I know I’m not supposed to care that the Cavs lost to Philly lasterday, giving up a chance at an historic 40-1 home record for the season, but I do.

As Coach Mike ran the bench into the ground – thereby defeating the purpose of “rest” to some extent – I couldn’t help but have my teen angst.

I don’t condone this “we don’t care if we lose blah cliche cliche cliche only about the championship cliche blah cliche cliche cliche cliche” talk.

I guarantee some of those guys do care about being on a team that did something only one other team in history has done.

(Including LeBron – one-upping Jordan in anything is a legacy/branding boon.)

Stop second guessing potential injuries and resting starters and just play the game.

Yes, I can just see the aftermath of a Game 7 Finals loss: LBJ sulking in the locker room, bemoaning the fact that if only he hadn’t played those extra 20 minutes back two months ago, he would’ve had that little bit of extra energy he needed to get through.

They’ll get so much rest in the first round, how would it have mattered? They’ll sweep DET (with large margins of victory), the time between games in the first round is spread so far that everyone always complains, and Hawks-Heat almost certainly goes seven games.

Sitting down in fear of mythical injuries is playing scared, and I just don’t “get” that. Plus, this just makes the whole thing complicated, because they really should’ve been 40-1, having essentially forfeited for their second loss. It’s like some kind of upside-down asterix on the whole thing.

(By the way, I think Chicago wanted to play Boston, hence their loss to TOR.)

There’s your hardcore NBA commentary. I have no idea how anyone else feels about this issue btw – please let me know.

Here’s a preview of the @ColleenBurns-centric NBA Playoff preview:

…and then totally give you a lap dance =)

See how great Twitter can be if you just allow it to happen?

The only thing that will get rid of my teen angst is if you go read about Brad Radby’s Yard Sale At Grandma’s, a super sensitive movie he made in 2001.

Meryl gets tired, and Bruce figures out what’s going on, especially because the doctor, who is Peter O’Toole, stops by and tells everyone about the Big C and how bad it’s coming after Meryl’s tummy. That’s when Laurence has a heart attack and gets adult diabetes, and Bruce gets a cramp in his shoulder.

I don’t want to say too much, but it’s one of those deeply cutting and personal stories about quirky families.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

Those are all the ones that returned to me, just about two months after they were originally sent. Once again, way to go Post Office.

So @ColleenBurns‘ friend down in Orlando is @alexiskn, [...]]]> Okay, these long-lost DVDs go back out today – the list: Drew, Tim, Dan, Gabe, Jeremiah, Eddie, and Yubo.

Those are all the ones that returned to me, just about two months after they were originally sent. Once again, way to go Post Office.

So @ColleenBurns‘ friend down in Orlando is @alexiskn, and while I promised her I’d name my band At Alexis Kay Enn, this doesn’t satisfy her raw, savage craving for my attention:

@alexiskn @TheNoLookPass woohoo!!! cant wait til i start gettin’ some love, too! (AHEM @brianspaeth!)

@alexiskn bored. laundry. tummy ache. and for the record, mad props to baked potatoes (.com)

Now, while @ColleenBurns is gaining on my list of favorite Twitter girls, never, ever forget that @halfbee29, @kelliesimpson, and @MelissaPR are 3 of the 4 top seeds in the inevitable tournament.

(Prediction: @halfbee29 will request removal from anything to do with this by the end of the day.)

This @alexiskn is interesting in her own right, though – don’t write her off as an @ColleenBurns wing-girl. Check out her profile:

i love my dog, cheese, robots, wine, movies, feather pillows, clive owen, texas, typography, museums, macs, beaches, dirk nowitzki and LOST. i hate purple.

Minus the dog and museum, everything’s looking nice – I’ll bet she doesn’t even know I had an adventure in Texas last year, or that I have a horsey named Pencils.

Like, @alexiskn and me could hang out and talk about Lost, movies, robots, and fonts for hours, providing she locked her dog in the closet.

That said, I’d really like to see how she reacts to me putting a photo of @ColleenBurns in her post. I couldn’t help it…I love when girls wear glasses, even if they apparently love Twilight, and are standing next to JJ Reddick while he’s having high blood pressure.

@alexiskn, in sharp contrast, hates Twilight, like normal people do.

Finally, just so this isn’t completely about other people, go read up on the latest from Brad Radby, 2001′s Dragon’s Game, Back 2 Back.

Keanu is back as the President once again, and this time it’s gonna be even harder for Bruce Willis’s Hank Dragon to stop him from launching all his cold fusion missiles.

When they get to the Iraq, they go undercover to find out the truth, and when they do, it’s even worse than they thought, because the cold fusion missiles are huge. Bruce decides that this time it’s personal, and he’s going to punch Keanu harder than ever, and everyone will know the truth about their bad guy President.

By the way, I don’t know why people buy books that are on the internet for free, but it seems to be working for me so far.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)