#1

Will do – hopefully have one back by end of week.

#2

Is there a good time I can come see the house this week? I’d like to check it out as a location, as I’m [...]]]> These are all out of context – for some reason I find it fascinating and somewhat funny.

#1

Will do – hopefully have one back by end of week.

#2

Is there a good time I can come see the house this week? I’d like to check it out as a location, as I’m about to dive into a revision on the script and want to see how we can work it in.

#3

Okay Kristen Spaeth – since you are critical of my book covers, do you want to do the one for my next book. I am looking for sharp, minimalist, modern design type thing, so shouldn’t be overwhelming.

PS You’re so dumb I hate you.

#4

How do you feel about the attached? It’s not exactly what we planned, but I think it’s effective. Without the response it can have the original intent, but I think the “Hi” adds so much.

#5

When we talk later, would you mind if we ran through (and I record) the attached for my video this week. lol

There were more emails I sent, but those weren’t vague enough to put up here, and/or they were just trashing LeBron James.

Should I just publish a book of all my emails. Oh how fun.

The flu has captured me, and I’m writing this after a bottle of Advil and some Theraflu.

It’s possible what I’m about to explain didn’t even happen and/or I’m misremembering, but I was just given soup and told a story about a children’s book.

The tale horrified me [...]]]> (My view, in this moment.)

The flu has captured me, and I’m writing this after a bottle of Advil and some Theraflu.

It’s possible what I’m about to explain didn’t even happen and/or I’m misremembering, but I was just given soup and told a story about a children’s book.

The tale horrified me more than my own body betraying me, which as you can imagine, is quite offensive.

This is what I remember.

1) There are two brothers – one is the older one, and the other is named Super Garbage.

2) Super Garbage eats the older brother’s turtle, and the mom buys him a dog as a replacement.

3) The turtle dies.

4) None of this is even the main part of the book.

It did come out later in the conversation that this was more of a 4th grade level thing than a picture book for toddlers, which is what I initially thought.

My cold sweats started around there, and then I was alone again.

Does any of this make sense.

Another thing is this Whore of Akron book comes out today, so go pick it up.

Captain Stern just needs to threaten to bring back the Orange Roundie, and even Etan Thomas will be like, “Whoa, whoa, wait – I guess [...]]]> The answer to the title of this post is right there in this nice picture I took, and it’s orange, and round, and slippery to Steve Nash’s touch.

Captain Stern just needs to threaten to bring back the Orange Roundie, and even Etan Thomas will be like, “Whoa, whoa, wait – I guess my $55M contract was fine.”

Now that I settled that problem, here comes a nice email, and it’s from a boy, and etc.

Hi Brian- Checking in to say your blog is a trip. It’s funny & imaginative, but hockey seems mighty under-represented compared to the *other* winter sport. And that…well…that just ain’t right.

Matt in Massachusetts

I wish he was saying that my blog was like going on a funny and imaginative trip, but that’s not what he’s saying at all.

Maybe I can just rewrite his excitement email.

Hey Brian – Reading your blog is like going on a funny, imaginative trip. A winter sport cavalcade, filled with hockey bucks and crukus balls the likes of which the world has never seen!

That it comes but on an irregular occasion…must it be so, mate!

Your friend and purchaser of all of your reasonably priced $2.99 books,

Matt in England

Does anyone know where I can check out diving contests on TV or the online internet so that Matt can see me write about other winter sports so much.

It wasn’t a real kid – that can’t happen in email.

The kid was a kid in a picture, and I looked at it and got sad, and that’s because of the time [...]]]> I was doing email and got one from someone, and there was a kid inside who was jumping in leaves.

It wasn’t a real kid – that can’t happen in email.

The kid was a kid in a picture, and I looked at it and got sad, and that’s because of the time I jumped in leaves when I was a kid, and had a sneezing experience that wouldn’t stop being such an experience.

Mom made me come inside, and she combed my hair with her hand, and she was like, “You can’t do that anymore or your lungs will stop working forever.”

Death threats were a new thing from Mom, and I was pretty serious about keeping my lungs going, because I wanted to hear what my voice would sound like when I became a man.

Let’s go back to the start and how it gave me an idea for a nice new book, and I emailed the booty babe who sent me the picture so she could have a free reminder about my explosive creativity.

It is a children’s book called “Why Can’t I Jump in the Leaves, Too?” and it’s how a boy learns that even though he has allergies he can still have friends.

Good idea, even though it was fiction, and I know that from experience.

:(

This is an actual, real serious post about writing, so go relax about something if you’re not into that.

I was going back and forth with another writer about book blurbs, i.e. those words on the back cover or in your [...]]]> (Yes, I am putting together the Flight of a Super Airplane cover.)

This is an actual, real serious post about writing, so go relax about something if you’re not into that.

I was going back and forth with another writer about book blurbs, i.e. those words on the back cover or in your Amazon description.

Because she was “afraid of giving too much away”, hers was complicated to the point that I couldn’t decipher what the story was. My advice – and I often have to remind myself of this – was to keep it simple.

This was my last email to her. I think she died after this, so there probably won’t be any further ones. :(

Well that’s why writing these are a tricky skill haha – I would say start with a one sentence description and work outward from there. What is the absolute baseline plot of your book?

For a movie example, Back to the Future is “A teenager travels back in time and accidentally keeps his parents from meeting, putting his own existence in danger.”

This tells you exactly what the movie is about without really telling you anything. At the same time, it’s compelling enough that you want to know more.

You can then build the full description outward from there:

“Marty McFly is your average ordinary teenager, except for one thing: his zany scientist friend Doctor Emmitt Brown has built a time machine…out of a car!

When Marty uses it to travel back to the 1950s, he accidentally prevents his parents from meeting, putting his own future at risk. Now – with the help of the 1950s version of Doc Brown – Marty must fix everything he’s broken and find his way Back to the Future!”

That’s basically the same one sentence description, but with some more details thrown in.

Is it giving too much away that the time machine is a car? No – that’s window dressing and makes it seem exciting.

Is it giving away too much that he screws up his parents meeting? I guess it’s a spoiler of sorts, but that’s what the whole book is about. You have to tell people that.

Anyway, next post I promise to write something ridiculous in backward English. Do you like carrots still.

I know you’re not supposed to use adverbs when you have your writing happen to you, and I am good about not doing that.

Why is my grammar so perfect and also why does it flow so [...]]]> For real, I am struggling with something, so circle your grammar wagon and let’s make a train.

I know you’re not supposed to use adverbs when you have your writing happen to you, and I am good about not doing that.

Why is my grammar so perfect and also why does it flow so well.

But no like Christian Bale, I am having a hard time with the first sentence below, because of how it reads better with the adverb than any other way.

Michael had become increasingly distant and sullen in the days leading up the Super Airplane’s Opening Ceremonies.

Michael had become distant and sullen in the days leading up the Super Airplane’s Opening Ceremonies.

Michael had become an increased form of distant and sullen in the days leading up the Super Airplane’s Opening Ceremonies.

Michael had become more and more distant and sullen in the days leading up the Super Airplane’s Opening Ceremonies.

What do you think, and also tell me, so that I can make it become part of the book, and maybe I will put your picture on the cover of the book, and you can have a little bragging moment happen to you with your mommy.

This part of the book-making process is annoying and tedious to do the writing on.

Was me doing vlogs inevitable.

Was me doing vlogs inevitable.

There was a huge argument this weekend with a booty girl about my writing process.

She was even stepping on my foot during the two-step because I kept saying that even in my new book I [...]]]> (Here is the sweat factor from my run this morning. Note that I live in an aquarium now.)

There was a huge argument this weekend with a booty girl about my writing process.

She was even stepping on my foot during the two-step because I kept saying that even in my new book I am writing, I felt comfortable paying homage to movies, but not to other books.

When we did the tumble-dip, she was like, “Whyyyyyyyyyy!! It’s the same thiiiiiiing!” and I would just like wink in a way that meant, “Nope”.

This morning on my hot and sweaty run I decided to answer her via email.

I’ve been thinking about why I am willing to crib from movies but not from books, and have determined it’s because I feel comfortable knowing with film where the line is between a nod/homage and just ripping someone off.

I’m not as well-read in lit and thus don’t feel secure that I have a gauge for that.

So I made an email to the babe and her email address is iheartbrianspathe@gmail.com, so maybe give her your thoughts on where that line is, and then also if you know where it is.

Be that hardcore novelist you are.

Here is her response, and it came in a handwritten note from a doggie. It was in his cute little mouth, and he had a tag that said his name on it.

Well that makes perfect sense. And I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to figure it out rather than just dismissing it as a legit question.

Well the joke is on her, because I did dismiss it as a legit question. I only answered it because it was a nod to The Hunger Games.

Now you know more about how I write and also how I create different blog posts so much.

Do you live in an aquarium. Yes or no is fine, plus some extra info so that it’s more interesting than just yes or no.

This got me to thinking – just how tall is Harry.

If you know anything about fictional wizardry, you’re aware that when anyone under 18 years old does their tricks, [...]]]> In today’s turtlecall the turtle complains about how the movies changed Harry the Potter’s height. Maybe watch so you have some context.

This got me to thinking – just how tall is Harry.

If you know anything about fictional wizardry, you’re aware that when anyone under 18 years old does their tricks, they grow exactly four inches while their wand is shooting the magic all over people’s faces.

The real question then – what if Harry has a permanent spell on. One in which he’s shooting subtle magic at someone’s face, so as to always appear four inches taller than he actually is.

While it never says this is happening in the books or films, it doesn’t say it’s not happening, either.

This is why those books are so deep, and also work for all ages.

J and K Roadlings did a masterful job in cloaking Harry’s secret all-the-time height spell. As much praise as they get as a writing duo, once my discovery becomes mainstream, their recognized brilliance should be pushed to even greater heights.

Has there ever been a brother-sister writing team like this one. Will there ever be again.

I have no solid context for what follows, except that there’s an amazing amount of reverse irony in my return from a blog break being dominated by someone’s else’s words.

I still had to share this though, since [...]]]> (Click the photo to enlarge and see the greatest turtlecalls-based text collection from @WordofChris.)

I have no solid context for what follows, except that there’s an amazing amount of reverse irony in my return from a blog break being dominated by someone’s else’s words.

I still had to share this though, since there’s nothing I like to write about more than myself.

If someone else is willing to do it for me, that’s even better. Put on your buster shoes again.

lol i just did little science experiment with you as the topic

so i went to your blog because there is stuff there about you (maybe, anyway) but it’s not as helpful as it used to be because you aren’t doing it as much anymore

but you have helpful little tools on the side of it that can also show you revealing stuff, and one of them is categories

and so i figured that if you could caveman it up and craft the tool the least i could do was cavewoman it up and use it and guess what? you talk about girls on your blog way more than you talk about anything else lol. actually lolol.

check it out girls crushes the NBA and movies and airplanes and twitter and turtles and anything else you sometimes say you care about

Add one more to the ‘girls’ category.

Are you an emo caveman or not.

Hahaa The Last Emo Caveman would make a funny book title.

Shoot.

I leaned reverse-forth on the back leg of the chair and fell over, because of how it was some kind of fashion chair and only had one leg in the back.

It was a triangle [...]]]> At a fashion dinner over the weekend this one guy was like, “hey man, where is your fashion scarf?”

I leaned reverse-forth on the back leg of the chair and fell over, because of how it was some kind of fashion chair and only had one leg in the back.

It was a triangle chair. lol

As the guy was helping me up with another guy and also a girl and a man, the main guy’s fashion scarf got in my face and made my nose tickle, and then his business cards fell out of the pockets that were in his fashion scarf.

Also a doggie was licking my hand because a fork had fallen on it and it was bleeding.

“Oh, you are on Linked In,” I said, and that was because one of the cards fell right on my eyes, and it was the part of the card that said, “Linked In: [address redacted]“.

“Yes, do you want to connect on there? I can pull up the Linked In App on my mobile smartphone and we can do it right here.”

By this time the fashion chair was set upright, and I said, “Get me a Labatt’s Blue in a can!”

Everyone laughed and the band started the violins back up, and I winked at his fashion scarf in a way that meant, “This is so fun, thank you for having me.”

I have no answer for them.

For example, sitting at a stoplight yesterday morning – with everyone honking and complaining about me not using my gas pedal enough [...]]]> Sometimes people are like, “How do you get so many ideas and why are they so random and great. Where did you get your muscles also.”

I have no answer for them.

For example, sitting at a stoplight yesterday morning – with everyone honking and complaining about me not using my gas pedal enough – I Tweeted out the following.

Did anyone get the new issue of Captain Sunshine where he goes bad and throws Dr Windvane into the sun. #soldout
19 minutes ago via Twitter for Android

Oops #spoilers for Captain Sunshine #701 in that last tweet
16 minutes ago via Twitter for Android

That’s the irony of Captain Sunshine is he’d gone 700 issues without using his powers (throwing people into the sun) even once.
13 minutes ago via Twitter for Android

In #702 like he’s making up for 700 issues of not using his powers, ie stay out of his way unless you want to get thrown into the sun. Lol
10 minutes ago via Twitter for Android

On the surface, that’s not all that interesting outside of Captain Sunshine’s amazingly one-note powers. Super-heroes have gone bad plenty of times.

But what about the story of the writer who’s brought in to write this controversial story when Captain Sunshine’s creator (who’s written his adventures for 60 years) refuses to do it.

Also, Captain Solar Throw is funnier and Captain Sunshine is a Venture Brothers thing – I figured someone must have used that before.

How embarrassing – always check your work. I was at the stoplight for 9 minutes.

I’m going to buy it for you, because I really want it to be the #1 Kindle listing for Colonial Period Fiction.

Wow.

Remember, you don’t need an actual Kindle device to read a Kindle [...]]]> If you haven’t yet purchased my new comedy-laden novella A Ballad of Rogelle Climberson, are you in luck.

I’m going to buy it for you, because I really want it to be the #1 Kindle listing for Colonial Period Fiction.

Wow.

Remember, you don’t need an actual Kindle device to read a Kindle ebook – just grab one of the free apps and read it on anything, including your computer.

Just enter your name/email below and I’ll gift you a copy of Rogelle. Merry Christmas, and you like garland so much, and etc.

Lasterday I was having a charisma gchat with a female that I know.

There’s more to the story, so just hang on.

During chat, I said something about how the idea [...]]]> (It’s nice when an ebook exclusive can still find a home on paper and with nice ribbons. Pic via @milquetoast7 – thanks!)

Lasterday I was having a charisma gchat with a female that I know.

There’s more to the story, so just hang on.

During chat, I said something about how the idea for The Christmas Bridge came from a throwaway blog post, and then this happened.

girl: you’re so utilitarian sometimes it kills me
girl: i have to go for a sec
girl: try and be here when i get back mr aloof

me: good i need a break so I can look up utilitarian
me: how do you spell it lol

The funny thing is how I’ve tried to explain to this girl how uneducated I am, but she won’t believe me. Anyway:

u·til·i·tar·i·an   
[yoo-til-i-tair-ee-uhn]
–adjective

1. pertaining to or consisting in utility.
2. having regard to utility or usefulness rather than beauty, ornamentation, etc.
3. of, pertaining to, or adhering to the doctrine of utilitarianism.

I still have no idea what it means. Am I a Communist pinko or whatever.

That would be something if yootilitaireeuhn was a real word. lol

And therein came an idea for a book called The Yootilitaireeuhn.

With all the turtlecalls madness, I almost forgot about A Ballad of Rogelle Climberson.

A peek into the history of These United States of America finds a yorn focus on Rogelle Climberson, Jr., the self-important heir to the empiric Climberson Climbing Company.

The year is 1789, [...]]]> (Click cover for full-size version.)

With all the turtlecalls madness, I almost forgot about A Ballad of Rogelle Climberson.

A peek into the history of These United States of America finds a yorn focus on Rogelle Climberson, Jr., the self-important heir to the empiric Climberson Climbing Company.

The year is 1789, and Rogelle has become enchanted with the beautiful Harmony Milloy, a f–king hot peasant girl who works bagging leaves in the neighboring estate’s corn fields. In order to gain an audience with her, Rogelle feigns to have acquired a deadliest of diseases, the most fatal Penchant Fleu.

P’tay!

As Rogelle’s web of lies grows and Harmony reveals her own mysteries, Master Climberson gets confused, and learns lessons, and the well gets poisoned, and he falls in love, and etc.

A Ballad of Rogelle Climberson is a 13,000 word colonial romance novella. lol

That sounds so good.

It’s only 99 cents on the Kindle platform, and remember – you don’t need an actual Kindle. There are apps for iPhone, Android, PC, Mac, and everything else.

Thanks for your support – the first chapter is below. (Or through the link, if you’re on the main page.)

Rogelle Climberson, Jr. sat in the main chamber of the Summit of Hills County courthouse, staring with verve to the outside yarns, where stood the tallest clock tower in the young state that had been his home from birth.

The roving arguments of the councilmen that served the region bore not a frown upon Rogelle’s most stern of minds, despite the desires they’d feined upon him. Not only feined, pray tell, but repeatedly!

Rogelle had made his decision most rightly, and yet still these men boaned him forth to listen anew. The Head of Council spoke on first of turns, and there would be many such speeches to come down thus from the heights of the chamber’s desk peaks and podiums.

“Your father, now in death – and mourn his passing, do we all justly – had made his promise of the Climberson Climbing Company to yorn fix the sadness of the clock tower.”

Rogelle sat back in his weaving chair, chinking his golden watch around his thumb and observing the chokeminds of the councilmen. ‘Twas no small amount of irony that flooded the room, what with he and his timepiece having such a dance. Rogelle watched as the council’s lords scratched their notes with such vigor in their service of the people. How he hated their foolish tax laws and milton spinhats. This was promised to be a new era!

The fees and weights of the past would not do to sit well with Rogelle, as it had with his father. At the Climberson family estate – nay, at his estate – the new wife sat abed with child. Would blessings come of a male heir, Rogelle would not stand for the lad to see his father bend forth to the charity whims on which these elected nubes railed.

“My company’s fee to repair the clock tower is beyond the means of the county’s satchels,” he said this as he stood and beigned to depart. “And so thus good day.”

The main council stooge stood and wrapped his gavel on the tablefront, a great and surprised fury in his hairy eyes. The gallery of local cheeps and peasants added their screams and animalistic hisses to the fray, staring agaw at Rogelle’s watch as he strode by them, hopeful of a glance at the current hour.

“The county’s satchels are aplenty for such a task! Aplenty I say! How are the due citizens walking the square to tell thine time with a clock that hath stopped evermore?!”

“Perhaps a man or two from thy stoops thereupon may climb the tower’s heights and fix the frozen hands of time?” Rogelle smirked his mouth at them as he spoke – he (and they) knew that only the skilled climbers under his employ could complete the task of ascending so smooth a stack of stones!

“On and to thee, Rogelle! P’tay!”

Rogelle halted his walk at the door to the chambers and brushed anger dust from his boot with a swill of parchment taken right from the hand of the county reporter. He looked upon the stooge – an old friend of his father’s – and straightened the flaps of his mastersuit.

“Rogelle was but a boy, good man of council. As you did my maker, you shall address me as Mr. Climberson.”

And so he did depart from the chamber, leaving the townsfolk for but six surrounding counties to use only their sunshine meters to determine their hours of waking and working.

There’s a chance I didn’t take long enough away from dot com blogging last month.

Three weeks was pretty hefty as far as breaks, but I used that time to do a bunch of [...]]]> I’m just gonna write this post in like 30 seconds, since I have no idea what to write about today.

There’s a chance I didn’t take long enough away from dot com blogging last month.

Three weeks was pretty hefty as far as breaks, but I used that time to do a bunch of stuff with a keyboard, including a new 13,000 word novella that will be out Monday or Tuesday.

I was double-sub'd to the @lawritersgroup email list.

It’s about the colonies and how much people went nuts about you if you had an illness back then.

Like the blacksmith would make your horse a death shawl, and special ribbons for its mane of yorn.

What if the colonial wig made a comeback.

Would you dive right into that, or would you wait for the trend to die down, and for places like the grocery store to start carrying the knock-off wigs at discount prices.

Like everyone at Subway has a wig on, and you’re like, “That’s so passe. I am a snob. Pssh.”

Time to think about your life maybe.

Too much I’m doing and my creative parts are drained on these channels.

How about if I come back after Thanksgiving.

LOL!

There goes a deer.

There goes another one.

Hey, while I’m gone go pick up my books, will [...]]]> Wow, I think I am social media and blog burnt again.

Too much I’m doing and my creative parts are drained on these channels.

How about if I come back after Thanksgiving.

LOL!

There goes a deer.

There goes another one.

Hey, while I’m gone go pick up my books, will you. I put a big arrow over there on the left so you could know about where to get them and what they are so much.

Remember to study. See, at least I am still deep.

I’ll be on email/text/IM – just no blog/Twitter/Facebook. Put that in your Excel or Google spreadsheet.

(There will be new content still at Brad Radby’s site and The Christmas Bridge, but it’s all prepackaged. Don’t get freaked out like there’s a ghost or a spider doing it.)

He was cool enough to take a picture of The Christmas Bridge in his fridge for me after it arrived from Amazon.

This note didn’t actually come with it but it was a fun one I made up.

Here [...]]]> If you have a minute, maybe go follow this guy @rod_leviathan on Twitter.

He was cool enough to take a picture of The Christmas Bridge in his fridge for me after it arrived from Amazon.

This note didn’t actually come with it but it was a fun one I made up.

Here is a picture of the book in the fridge.

That’d be so dynamic to get in your gmail inbox, plus the book is nice and cooled off to read.

Next edition is definitely getting a new page requesting fridge pics, and then I’ll write that sequel The Christmas Fridge everyone is clamoring for.

What I won’t do is ask about everything surrounding the book on those shelves, because it all looks gross. Would you eat those cheese olives. wtf

(An alternate version of this post written in my Christmas Bridge Voice is over on the Christmas Bridge website.)