Some of these are past their time – there were two separate attempts at Occupy Wall Street commentary – but several are what one could consider timeless.

For example, what you’re reading right now [...]]]> I went to fire up a new blog post this morning and noticed I have 43 entries in Draft form.

Some of these are past their time – there were two separate attempts at Occupy Wall Street commentary – but several are what one could consider timeless.

For example, what you’re reading right now had nothing but the picture and this blockquote:

If you plant it in the garden it will grow more fish. lol

I’m not sure what the quote is from, although it seems like something I’d say. The portion where I point out how funny I think the statement is would be a good clue to that, also.

I’m certain the HelpMe-Fish graphic was in reference the turtlecall with HelpMe-Cats.

The point I’m trying to make is that I had no idea I knew anything about this fish breeding process, and it seems like it could be a big money maker.

Harvesting homemade fish colonies in the back yard – I’ll need to buy a house first – is the kind of singularly unique business that could get me a reality show like Real Fish Growers of Beverly Hills.

In short, I’m gonna go do that, so goodbye forever.

(I also had this draft categorized under religion, so I must have had some kind of point about reincarnation or burial rituals to make?)

Here’s that call:

Okay, goodbye forever again.

People were asking me all day yesterday for advice about how to make their chickens, because I guess I look like a guy who knows [...]]]> (My website is still a mess – hopefully will fix by the weekend. In the meantime, I am shopping for new banner pictures – do you like this one.)

People were asking me all day yesterday for advice about how to make their chickens, because I guess I look like a guy who knows how to make birds turn into food.

Then this stud @BlazeWR15 started asking for advice, and it wasn’t chickens, but still it was about protein, and that’s kinda chickens.

@brianspaeth since you are a person of mass knowledge, do you have any tips on how to get larger man type muscles? #FitnessTweet
15 minutes ago via Twitter for Android

After that @girlnextdior1 asked me if she could start asking advice.

@brianspaeth need your help! You seem wise and godly!
13 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Her question was about how to give some chickens to charity, or how to go to a concert or something.

How can I monetize this thing where everyone thinks I’m so smart – do you need to know anything about the different kinds of chickens.

Ask away.

Great To Watch, October 13, 2011
By Brian Spaeth | This review is from: The Incredible Hulk (Widescreen Edition) (DVD)

Everyone liked this and I made them [...]]]> If you didn’t realize the other day that I leave the best reviews on Amazon, here is your chance to try learning that again.

Great To Watch, October 13, 2011
By Brian Spaeth | This review is from: The Incredible Hulk (Widescreen Edition) (DVD)

Everyone liked this and I made them stop chanting the first time Greg became the Hulk so they could see that part. The disc skipped once but that was just Chomps bumping into the DVD player. Keep your bones upstairs!

If you watch this with your dad and you want to make him laugh, say “Et tu Eric Bana?” at the part where Greg goes to the pizza shop.

Also, another thing to know is that even though I do own this DVD video disc, I never watch it because I am addicted to all streaming services.

Sometimes I will stream one thing via Amazon through my Blu Ray player while my Roku is streaming the same thing on Netflix.

While that is happening I cook some eggs and get ready for a fun party. It’s a dress-up party.

That was because this girl was making eggs, and they were the last eggs I had, and there were no more eggs for me.

The eggs [...]]]> I was having my sleep happen to me a few nights ago and when I woke up I was like, “oh man oh man what in the world”.

That was because this girl was making eggs, and they were the last eggs I had, and there were no more eggs for me.

The eggs she was making weren’t having a sizzle yet, so I asked if she could scoop them up and put them back in the shells.

“Make sure you turn down the heat first, so that you only get a first degree burn on your selfish fingers,” is one way I gave her an olive branch.

While she was reversing the eggs, I made her some oatmeal so she could have a nice breakfast and be fueled up for the day.

She doesn’t even have a job, so she didn’t even need all that energy – what a lazy dope with her nice butt and skin tone.

After she left, I noticed something had bitten me overnight and it had to be a spider, because who else bites like that, plus it doesn’t even itch.

My skin isn’t really that color – I made some Photoshop adjustments so that the bites would show up. Did you bite me.

His name is Jeremy.

LOL!

So I don’t know where the sickness came from but I bet it was a little buggie that came at me and [...]]]> Hey I am having a lot of changes in my life lately, including taking care of a living thing for the first time in my life.

His name is Jeremy.

LOL!

So I don’t know where the sickness came from but I bet it was a little buggie that came at me and bit my arm.

This picture I took is how I feel, i.e. which way is up and am I leaning against the wall or lying on the floor.

Is it lying or laying.

Another thing I hate is how when you’re writing and you have to be like “Your co-worker has a problem. She can’t find her key to the spoiler room and wants to borrow yours. What do you do.”

It drives me nuts how you can’t put “they” can’t find your key. I want a unisex co-worker so the reader can inject their life experience into it.

Down with grammar, let’s make some signs.

I murdered the buggie.

Then the servers formed their conga line and sang the Applebees Birthday Song, and it wasn’t even my [...]]]> I was at an Applebees this weekend making food go inside my face with strangers, and when I took a picture of this Presidential Eagle on the wall, all the strangers stood up and started clapping.

Then the servers formed their conga line and sang the Applebees Birthday Song, and it wasn’t even my birthday.

It went like this.

We make the food today!
We make it our own way!
There’s a spray bottle that says Flavor!
We spray it on everything as a favor!

So when you go to any location!
Across this eagled nation!
You’ll know the food’s the same!
Because of the Applebees name!

And the Flavor Spray!

Let’s do the Flavor Shuffle!

Tonight!

The Applebees had two stories and an elevator. Have you been to that one.

You know her – she is the one who sends me virtual mad libs emails.

You like her.

me: Yeah and [...]]]> I was just hanging out at the club thinking about who the person was that thought to register plantation.com, when I started having a gchat experience with a girl.

You know her – she is the one who sends me virtual mad libs emails.

You like her.

me: Yeah and like we see Boba Fett without his helmet
me: like the whole reason Boba Fett was cool was he was a big mystery

girl: Man you’re fired up! I like it. Do you have danger eyes right now

me: No they are like blank deer eyes
me: Like “glik glik” that’s what a deer sounds like
me: lol

girl: I never knew that was the deer sound

me: they make it with their deer tongues and teeth
me: also their horns

girl: Oh also their horns that’s interesting

me: deer don’t know they have horns did you know that

girl: What?

me: yeah like they can’t see their antlers
me: so obv they don’t know they are there

girl: Can’t they feel them? The weight of them? Or when they hint branches and such?

me: they think that’s their hair
me: do you still think I am a stud lol

girl: yes

For real, if you were a deer you wouldn’t be about having horns, you would just assume like some snow fell on your head from when you were grazing and prancing through the valleys and pretty fields and behind someone’s house while they’re having cereal and wearing a robe.

Think about it.

Who’s deep now.

Remember that time I got put on the email list for some dog show board of directors?

It seems they haven’t removed me just yet.

The email I got last night was very long, so I can’t reprint the whole thing, but it went out to like 30 [...]]]> (Click to enlarge screengrab.)

Remember that time I got put on the email list for some dog show board of directors?

It seems they haven’t removed me just yet.

The email I got last night was very long, so I can’t reprint the whole thing, but it went out to like 30 people.

This was my response.

I’m not as worried about the SDCA National Specialty in Oregon as many are. I had lunch with Mike and June the other day, and they both agree with me. I think with some strategic slander of their venue choice, we can drive people away from participation and perhaps begin a whole new era.

As far as the trophies are concerned, the bigger the better. I’ve been in touch with the people who did the trophy for 16 and Pregnant on MTV and they’re very excited about working with us. Give me the go sign and I can start working that deal and getting the price down.

Brian

I’ve promised to stop messing with them and help them promo their doggie show if they’ll make me an actual honorary member of the BOD.

Oh here’s a new turtlecall – it’s not like I don’t love animals. Slots are filling up – go over and buy yours today for your favorite person.

It’s usually spam or people who want to talk to a deer, but last week it somehow got put in a small group email belonging to the Board of [...]]]> An old email address of mine (heydeer@gmail.com) is still set to forward to my main email, so occasionally I get some odd stuff coming in.

It’s usually spam or people who want to talk to a deer, but last week it somehow got put in a small group email belonging to the Board of Directors of some dog show.

Never one to turn down such a prestigious position, here’s what happened. (I’ve truncated all the email addresses to [Dog Show BOD] in order to save space.

From: Rachel and Jim Matthews
To: [Dog Show BOD]

To the GSDC Board:

We would like to offer, starting with the 2011 SDCA Western Regional Specialty, a Perpetual Trophy for the Best of Opposite Sex. The trophy is being offered by Rachel and Jim Matthews, Mary Ann and Richard Rose, and Robin and Patrick Garcia, Jr. It was commissioned with the artist Tony Acevado.

The sculpture is approximately 8″w x 6″h x 10.5″L. The sculpture will sit on a wood base that is about 12 x 12 inches, the plaque is 7” high X 8” wide and has the words of the Burns song/poem “My Heart’s in the Highlands”. See the attached photos and script. We would like the trophy to be called “My Heart’s in the Highland’s” Best of Opposite Sex Trophy. The illustration of the trophy is attached. A photo is not yet available.

Request that the GSDC accept this trophy donation for future shows. Thank you.

Respectfully
Rachel and Jim Matthews
Mary Ann and Richard Rose
Robin and Patrick Garcia, Jr.

2 attachments
DH Propetual Trophy Illustration.jpg 174K
The Highlands Trophy Plaque Words.docx 13K

From: Brian Spaeth
To: [Dog Show BOD]

Sounds good to me. Would anyone like to second?

From: Mary Ann Rose
To: Brian Spaeth
Cc: [Dog Show BOD]

Uh, who is Brian Spaeth? Mary Ann

From: Brian Spaeth
To: Mary Ann Rose, [Dog Show BOD]

I can hang on to the trophy for the first month like last year. I’m not driving it to Bill this time, though. Let’s all chip in on some UPS.

Brian

From: Jana Brinlee
To: Mary Ann Rose, Brian Spaeth, [Dog Show BOD]

My thoughts, exactly. And what is this about chipping in on UPS? I’m lost here. The correspondence on this matter is limited to the officers and directors of the Golden State Deerhound Club.

From: Brian Spaeth
To: Jana Brinlee
Cc: [Dog Show BOD]

UPS is like a commercialized version of the US Postal Service.

Fed-Ex is another option, but I can’t support a move to DHL. Their Texas office fired my girlfriend for taking the day off just for having a baby.

It wasn’t even mine but I met her at the hospital anyway. Don’t date cheaters is the lesson. We’re not together anymore, but I love that kid like he’s my own son.

I’m headed out to go lift weights for a bit and make my muscles happen, but I’ll take my phone so we can work out this trophy issue asap. It’s an android phone = email.

Brian

From: Caerwicce Deerhounds
To: Brian Spaeth, [Dog Show BOD]

I’ve checked my original email several times and I can’t figure this out. Could Brian please let us know who he is and how he got our email?

From: Brian Spaeth
To: Caerwicce Deerhounds
Cc: [Dog Show BOD]

I’m just me but I assume you wanted my opinion since you voted me onto the BOD? Debb and Bob both sent me the paperwork and certifications.

I love dogs.

Is a pancake breakfast still on the table for the day after the show? I vote yes on that issue.

From: Mary Ann Rose
To: Rachel Matthews, Brian Spaeth, [Dog Show BOD]

That’s even weirder. Its either someone trying to propogate a virus or someone with a weird sense of humor. I would not click on the links in the signature!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

From: Brian Spaeth
To: Mary Ann Rose, [Dog Show BOD]

As long as I’ve got you all here, I’ve been talking to a company that’s looking to sponsor more animal related events. They have quite a bit of money in the budget = more ads we can place for people to look at the doggies. (Let’s think of franchising, btw. Aren’t we limiting ourselves by being so regional?)

The company is called TurtleCalls.com and they call people and pretend to be turtles. What sort of packages can we offer as far as sponsorship? I told them they are in already.

Also, Mary Ann – how is Verizon going for you? My dad works for them as a Phone Inventor. He probably made up your phone over supper.

Brian

PS My email address sometimes is heydeer@gmail.com also

To: Brian Spaeth, [Dog Show BOD]
From: Harriet
My email is heydeer1@gmail.com. Don’t know where this is coming from.

Harriet

From: Brian Spaeth
To: Harriet, [Dog Show BOD]

One more thing – I was thinking that instead of the usual intro music, we could start using “Top of the World’ by Van Halen. Like we could put up a big video screen and so the music is going, going, going, and then we pause it and flash some words on the screen so the audience can sing part. Vague, I know – but it would go like this as it comes to the chorus:

guitar-guitar-guitar

PAUSE MUSIC

Audience: THESE DOGGIES ARE!

START MUSIC

Van Halen: Standing on to-op, of the world! Oh-oh-whoa-eye!

You can see the effect – it’s like anyone listening from outside would hear it as, “These doggies are standing on to-op, of the world! Oh-oh-whoa-eye!”

This is great for the animals and the trainers, and creates what I like to call a Participatory Immersive Experience for people in the crowd. If possible, in 3-D. Mary Ann, we can show a picture of your guys’ new trophy up on the screen as well, and that can also be in 3-D.

Brian

From: Jana Brinlee
To: Brian Spaeth
Cc: [Dog Show BOD]

Everyone please remove heydeer@gmail.com and bspaeth@gmail.com from emails going forward related to this matter. Sorry for the confusion.

And…that was that. It was an honor – if even for that short time – to be a member of the Board of something.

If anyone goes to that dog show and they use my Van Halen idea, please take a movie with your mobile device. I don’t care about credit – just want to see it.

I broke my social embargo last week by returning to Twitter and Facebook, where I went ahead and did what I’d spent the first ten days of my break planning and strategizing.

It was all about perfecting this Facebook post:

It’s [...]]]> Well, I’m back from not being here on my website blog.

I broke my social embargo last week by returning to Twitter and Facebook, where I went ahead and did what I’d spent the first ten days of my break planning and strategizing.

It was all about perfecting this Facebook post:

It’s right in the link if you want to see and interact with it live.

Other things I did: wrote another (short) book – it’ll be out later this month, and only on the Kindle platform. (Which you don’t need a Kindle for – see the upper left sidebar.)

I also went to Cleveland, came back, and am back in Cleveland again. (No, not for LeBron’s return – it’s a happy coincidence. And yes, I’ll be writing up my thoughts on the Heat later this week…!)

Coming back to a blog lifestyle is hard, but I’ll be fine by Wednesday because of how special I can be sometimes.

I want to try it, so here it goes:

http://twitter.com/#!/brianspaeth/status/1366058963304450

Do you see it.

I think I only see the url [...]]]> So Twitter is supposed to have this new thing where you just put the url of the Tweet in and it’ll automatically bring up what’s supposed to be a screengrab or something.

I want to try it, so here it goes:

http://twitter.com/#!/brianspaeth/status/1366058963304450

Do you see it.

I think I only see the url nerd writing and not the picture of the Tweet. It said this, in case you’re confused:

I don’t want to take a picture with your horse no lol
17 hours ago via Twitter for Android

I thought that one would be so viral, but only a couple people said something, and one of those people was really insulted about their horse. The world works in strange days.

Let me know how college is going for you. brb

Plus, I have to go to the hospital and have my screws tightened and such.

Haha I bet you think I’m doing a joke.

Anyway, in addition to all the Spaeth-related fun on Facebook yesterday, I also spent [...]]]> I’m pretty wiped out from the Spaeth Day Festival – I’ll have a more full recap tomorrow.

Plus, I have to go to the hospital and have my screws tightened and such.

Haha I bet you think I’m doing a joke.

Anyway, in addition to all the Spaeth-related fun on Facebook yesterday, I also spent way too much time on the TurtleShack Page.

We still gotta get those bikes for Kiana – so don’t forget to pick up one or more of my books for only $2.99 – thanks again.

There’s no way I can make an explanation of this deep material happen so here is Blue Shirt Forever.

EXT. EGYPT – MORNING

Establishing shot. Only [...]]]> Maybe you are one of the viral video fans of my big Blue Shirt series, and if so here is Part One and Part Two.

There’s no way I can make an explanation of this deep material happen so here is Blue Shirt Forever.

Okay so now that you need something to make you stop crying, have a watch at @worstfan reading to a cat animal from The Christmas Bridge: A Timeless Excitement Fable.

Like on the cartoon the hero kids do their wind sprints and the mosquitos are like, “Hey kids. Come in here to our junction because there is a nice lake to run by [...]]]> Well my running happened at Mosquito Junction and that’s not like the TV show at all and maybe that’s their trick.

Like on the cartoon the hero kids do their wind sprints and the mosquitos are like, “Hey kids. Come in here to our junction because there is a nice lake to run by and you can have your emotions because of how beautiful it is and we’ll teach you to spell. Also, hello.”

Well in real life it is a long con and they just want to take bites of you and the bites are mostly on your legs and there are 40 of them that you can see.

The only way to fix that is to make your internet start working for you and you can pay it with nice hugs maybe.

One of the most effective home remedies you can use is banana peel.

Get the peelings of a banana and rub the inside part to the affected area for a few seconds up to a minute. Swelling and itching almost always immediately disappears. Put the banana in the fridge or make a banana milkshake so that the fruit will not go to waste.

Thanks for that good job tip on how not to be a wasteful guy who is also a cool stud.

Also it worked and I smell like bananas and that’s a haha moment because of how I had so much itching I did that right in the grocery store and also when it didn’t work fast enough I tried a cantaloupe and some non-salted Rold Gold pretzel rods, so maybe it was the trifecta that did made my itching stop.

One of the words they teach on Mosquito Junction is door.

What that means is about how I think so hard about things, and emotions, and pretentious, and etc.

The part of my thinking that finally made [...]]]> I was having a thing last night where my sleep wouldn’t happen to me because of how much I was thinking about how deep I can be sometimes.

What that means is about how I think so hard about things, and emotions, and pretentious, and etc.

The part of my thinking that finally made me not be awake anymore was when I made an excitement list about all the different facts I have, and those are animal facts like you didn’t know. lol

Okay here they are for you.

four legs
lungs like people, except fish with their gills that they have
small brains
food
run fast

Another one that maybe is to think about some more is chasing, because sometimes they chase you and then vice versa if it’s in the woods and not the house.

Look out if they growl.

Okay so I don’t have any pets which is the lesson you can take home and maybe also share that at the goofster coffee house with your pals.

Yesterday I was listening to some Huey Lewis and the News again like my brother is always saying to with his “hey go listen to this right now [...]]]> (This seems like a book that is for me to read for sure even though it’s about how to make your farm have modern countertops or something.)

Yesterday I was listening to some Huey Lewis and the News again like my brother is always saying to with his “hey go listen to this right now or I’ll lock you out of the house again” voice that he liked to use when we were being kids.

One of the songs is the happy-go-lucky one about how love can be so powerful and a skateboarding cool guy.

It’s one of the ones that happened in a movie and that movie was Back to Some Future.

Since I was a smaller version of me I always thought it went like this:

Chain your heart,
To a little white girl,

Even when I was that little fella I was thinking “oh man I hope Huey’s grandpa doesn’t own slaves” because that seemed weird in a way that was bad.

Well, just like with my special cucumber/pickle connection, I only did a realization moment here in my adult experience that it’s like this:

Chain your heart,
To a little white dove,

Still that’s not making all my senses click but at least it rhymes in the song now and doesn’t need the Constitution to step in.

Don’t be a grouch.

Look at this eagle, it’s running running running,
Look at this eagle, it may be a hawk!
Look at this eagle, it’s running running running,
Look at this eagle, I wonder if he talk!

Talk eagle talk!
Say something good!
Talk eagle talk!
Do you drink blued!

I already know who won, so it’s exciting to know I’ll be giving away $30 soon.)

You may be looking for a “what did you do while you were away from the net” post today, but I don’t feel [...]]]> (I’m gathering together all the @Brandi88 Coloring Contest entries and forming a gallery.

I already know who won, so it’s exciting to know I’ll be giving away $30 soon.)

You may be looking for a “what did you do while you were away from the net” post today, but I don’t feel like an a-b-c description of the events is particularly useful, and let’s face it – it’s all about being useful.

I want to skip right to the results of my excursion, and they are as follows:

1) Duck – This is the typical one you think of when going on about the water-based birds. Lays eggs, says quack, walks in front of your car, lives at the zoo.

2) Goose – This is a duck who can fly.

3) Swan – This is a duck-goose amalgam crossbreed hybrid.

That’s basically it, and it hasn’t escaped me that I could’ve Googled it at any point in time since they made up Google. I hope this teaches you a bit about self-discovery.

Next is the buffalo/moose/antelope thing – again, I’m just letting the answers arrive from within.

I did finish a mini-book I’d been working on, related to WSM?, and then started another book not related at all to WSM?.

What’s the most exciting or important or significant thing you did last week. Have you ever eaten swan.

(Go be pals with the iconic and singular Calvin Stadiums on Facebook – challenge him to 1-on-1.)