These are my current thoughts after watching the Richard episode of Lost.

This is pieced together from various conversations I’ve had on Google Buzz and small private message board I frequent.

For the record, I don’t look at any spoilers, including upcoming episode titles or anything else.

There are spoilers in what follows for any episodes that have already aired, and also what I guess you would call “speculative spoilers”.

This may be a little jumbled also, but it all ties together.

1) The show is obviously dealing with various spiritual and pseudo-religious concepts.

It’s not going to prescribe to any particular one – it can’t take the stance of “Christianity is the right one” without alienating huge number of people.

Lost takes the idea that all religions and even philosophies are based around certain core concepts of “good vs evil”, and different cultures interpret this in different ways.

Smokey called it “hell” because Richard is Catholic – that’s the one Richard prescribed to and what he would conceptually accept.

That doesn’t even mean a place consistent with what we would traditionally think of as “hell” exists. Just that ultimate evil does. Many religions need a place for that evil to live, thus the creation of hell.

If you really want to stretch this out farther, both Smokey and Jacob may only be manifesting themselves as people because that’s what they’re dealing with in terms of the survivors of Flight 815 and other humans.

If the Lost universe believes in alien life, this same struggle is probably taking place on “Planet Ant Monsters” with a race of intelligent Ant-Monsters, and Smokey and Jacob look like intelligent Ant-Monsters over there.

2) We really know quite a bit at this point.

Just because nobody smacks us in the face with long-form exposition doesn’t mean we’re not learning things.

Like take Jacob stopping Richard from killing him on the beach, compared to how he totally just let Ben stab him to death, which always seemed a bit odd.

Why the difference?

Well, when Richard first got there in the 1860s, one could assume there were still a bunch of candidates left on that wheel in his lighthouse. Jacob still had work to do.

When Ben came for him, there were only six left, and they were all on the island. Jacob knew his job was nearly done and it was time for him to step aside so that one of the candidates could take over his job.

There’s enough there to infer that that’s basically how it works.

When someone from our 815 buddies steps up to become the new Jacob, we’ll learn how a candidate becomes the new keeper of the island and what that means and entails to a deeper extent.

Who was Jacob before he was “island keeper Jacob”?

I don’t think it matters – he was some guy who was a candidate once, went through trials and tribulations just like Jack, et al are now, and stepped up when he realized it was his destiny to be the personification of “good” against Smokey’s “evil”.

3) If you look at various religious allegories and stories – and my primary (and admittedly remedial) knowledge is of the Bible – most times the “god” figure is vague in message, putting the person through many trials to test their faith and will.

The “devil” figure is straight-forward and promises them whatever they want, but there’s always a catch.

This is exactly how Jacob and Smokey operate.

4) When it all ends, I think we’ll see Jack looking into his version of the mirror (maybe it will be an iPhone!) and writing out the names of the next round of candidates.

Smokey will remain trapped in Locke’s form, just as he was trapped in that other guy’s form from the last time this climaxed.

The two may converse on the beach, as well.

5) What’s it all mean?

At the absolute baseline, it’s the world’s spiritual battle between good and evil, and as I said in my first point, that relates and correlates to the base ideas of how most religions work.

Anything more than that gums this show up, like how Midichlorians gummed up the Force in Star Wars.

Another key point is that the producers have been adamant that the show itself is about this particular set of characters, not about the island.

If we’re talking about the world’s eternal struggle between good and evil – and Jacob’s description of what Smokey is says we’re talking about exactly that – I don’t think we’re going to see that struggle end on this show.

That’s too big and abstract of a concept to have it end as “Jack and friends stopped evil in the universe for all time”.

6) My only questions are:

a) What is the Sideways world and how does it tie in?

b) Technology like the donkey wheel and the magnetic forces on the island – what’s that all about?

(In theory, that could be summed up in spiritual mumbo-jumbo related to how their minds can interpret being on the island or something – much like they “see” Jacob and Smokey as people.

To account for the mystical aspects, the island gives them “magnetic pockets” and other science-based rationalizations?)

7) One last note – the statue got taken out by a huge TIDAL WAVE, not the Blackrock. Unless you think the Blackrock popped a wheelie out of the water or something.

But about that statue…if this is a ages-old conflict that plays out forever between good and evil, all the Egyptian stuff (including the statue) may just be the mark they left on the island from their time, much like Dharmaville and the Dharma stations are what “our people” have left there.

What would that stuff look like to a newbie in 3010? Ancient and mysterious ruins from a long-dead culture.

(On April 6, I wrote a Part 2 to this post after the Desmond episode that explains how the Sideways world fits into this theory.)

(This is my current phone b/g – I am all in on CLE basketball.

Also, this post was edited, cause it was even worse before, if you can believe that.)

So I’ve been on a few airplane rides over the past week, and on the longest of them, I spent time sitting with a girl who spilled whiskey on my leg.

She was a lot of fun, I asked if I could call her Sara, and we became best friends for 4+ hours.

We told our cool stories about our lives, and analyzed the personae of everyone around us in the most stereotypical manner possible.

After a bunch of time doing that, it was the part of the airplane ride where Sara spilled the whiskey on my leg.

I screamed, “OH NO THERE’S WHISKEY ON MY LEG!” over and over until the airplane waiter came back and asked what was wrong.

I repeated, “Oh no…there’s whiskey on my leg…” except quiet and sad this time, so Sara could see the different kind of inflections I could make my voice do.

(To your right – from the cover page of what I am writing at right now.)

A lot of people ask me the classic “what kind of music do you listen to” question when they’re trying to date me.

This is not info I disclose readily – it has to come out in an organic fashion.

For example, from the following, try and figure out if I listen to the 3 musicians named in the title of this post.

Brian: Hey soul sister is on again wtf
Brian: Who sings this I hate it so much

Girl: Train
Girl: Lolol

Brian: Its so girly lol
Brian: Like is Girly Rock a genre now

Girl: Oh mon brion lol

Brian: I blame the Goo Goo Dolls – they started this back in the 90s lol

Girl: Omg themmm

Brian: Hey Jealousy!

Girl: I love that song!!

Brian: when did that come out
Brian: I think it was like 94?

Girl: I don’t know brian I was like [redacted] then

Admittedly, there’s a lot more interesting stuff than musical taste happening in that exchange, such as relationship-based math.

Here’s another go at music.

Brian: Lolol that Pink song “I’m comin up” is on

Girl: Oh god lol

Brian: I haven’t heard this in a long time
Brian: It’s terrible lolol
Brian: Everybody’s dancin and they’re dancin for me!

Girl: Horrible

Brian: I’ll be your operator you can all anytime, I’ll be your connection to the party line!

Girl: We should remember what year it came out and then use that to compare our ages again

Brian: : /

Last one.

Brian: I was at this party one time and Coldplay came on and this dude LOVED them like in a really hipster/snobby way and I kept saying they were originally called Coldburst
Brian: He made me go read their Wikipedia page he was so pissed
Brian: And I was like “yeah they must’ve had it taken off so nobody would find out”

Girl: I don’t believe you

Brian: You weren’t even born yet when they were Coldburst lol

Seriously, Pink has been famous for almost a solid ten years now. I’m trying to think who she compares to historically – like how will she be remembered 20 years from now?

I don’t thunk her music has really transcended anything, but obviously they still play it now and then, and she’s been in the cultural zeitgeist for a good chunk of time.

What does zeitgeist even mean – I’m in over my head again. Did I just call Pink a Nazi?

I’ve been working on this script for something that’s being put together, and I’m a little back and forth on the writing style – I do think my time in novel-land messed with me just a bit.

Anyway, here’s a small piece.

Anyway, the part I’m questioning is the action line that ends with the big “NOT EVEN THE NAPKIN IS HELPING”. Especially the end, but the whole line is in question.

Debating with myself:

1) It does nothing to help from a production angle – it’s really a bunch superfluous words, and there are more compact ways of getting the point across that the napkin isn’t making him more at ease.

Example: He takes the napkin – it brings no comfort.

2) On the other hand, this isn’t a shooting script, and the way it’s written all over-dramatic to the point of stupid helps put across the ridiculous-played-straight tone of the material.

It needs to be played like this napkin should be a Xanax or something, and this is a way to do that without having to be all “even though it’s a napkin, he takes it from her like it should be relaxing him”.

At the same time, I do know that some readers will need their hand held like that, though. (And that’s fine – they’re not predisposed to like this, if I had to guess.)

3) A lot of the script is written in this style, and it reads FUNNY. So tell a coherent a-b-c story along with that, and you’re in good shape – a good story that made you laugh is a successful comedy screenplay.

I dunno – my thoughts – would love yours.

NOTE: For you Prelude to a Super Airplane fans, Timothy is someone you will know, at least indirectly. (It’s not Colonel T, and this story takes place in 2001.)

(There’s no way the picture to your right can end well, yet I’m sure something entertaining will come out of it. She knows I think all of this, also. This is why that status update rarely happens.)

So this is the first in the 13-part series of “posts by request,” which resulted from GOt’s backlash against my content.

Whether the entire run is completed is unknown – as TVBrain pointed out, it’s simply not likely. Let’s start with Becky, my female-internet-BFF for all time.

5 questions for you, because you’d rather discuss yourself than anyone else:

Hahha this is so true. I don’t even know my girlfriend’s middle name yet, but I asked her to get mine tattooed on her forearm, under an anchor that also has my middle name on it.

1) To date, what has been your favorite memory of airplanes, or your favorite memory of thinking about airplanes, or your favorite memory of remembering thinking about airplanes?

You’re correct that my brain works in this way. I was just thinking about this one time I was on an airplane, and while I was on the airplane, I was thinking about another time I was on an airplane. Against all odds, each memory of remembering superimposes the residual memory. It’s like I’m playing telephone with myself.

2) All-Star 1-on-1 2009: who wins? You may not use LeBron James or any variation of him in your answer.

Calvin Stadiums, clearly. And Becky, why exactly haven’t you challenged him to a game in his How Badly Would Calvin Stadiums Beat You in 1-on-1? Facebook group?

Thanks for giving me that opening btw. How’d you know I’d need it when you emailed these 8 months ago…?

3) You’re allowed one cosmetic surgery for the rest of your life…until the end of time, even, and only one. One singular procedure, no “botox every 3 months once I turn 40.” What is your one chosen surgical enhancement?

Genetic Rehab and Haltation Synthesis.

This basically resets your genes to a given age of your choosing, and freezes them there. Pills and nanobots maintain it. This will actually come to pass – I believe within the next 25 years.

4) You hate dogs. Due to some zany sitcom-esque development, you have to partner up with a dog to solve mysteries and be best pals. What type of dog do you choose? What do you name him? How long until you learn to love him, learning a valuable lesson on canine loyalty and companionship? Or does this not happen unless he saves your life? Does your answer change if the dog talks

This is so funny, because I would choose these dogs:

5) Why do you cut yourself?

Teen angst.

When Genetic Rehab and Haltation Synthesis is released to the public, what age will you physically rehab yourself to and why? Will you name your nanobot, or just refer to it by its serial number?

(Follow me on Twitter here.)

Former contributor to my old website (which has finally been restored/overhauled into its final “death” format) Jordi Scrubbings emailed with some troubling questions regarding elements of my first book, Prelude to a Super Airplane.

I’m reading your book. 2 questions:

1) The VP was 108 years old in 2012. That would mean he was born after January the year AFTER the first airplane flight. Do you explain why he is not 109 years old? Or do you not think of old airplanes?

2) Where is the best place to read the final 100 pages? I was thinking in an airplane terminal sitting next to a 25 yr old brunette female model singer person. Any other recommendations?

I’ma tackle the second question first, because it’s easier – you need internet access to fully experience the final 100 pages, because therein is when you’re instructed to turn on the soundtrack. Without the musical backing, a certain sequence won’t be nearly as tumultuous as it needs to be.

That said, reading PTSA inside an actual airplane station is a huge positive – there’s nothing like the viral, tempest-laden joy one absorbs seeing the various airplane riders about to take their respective airplane rides.

That, or maybe read it in the locker room at the gym.

As to the first question, this is just a massive mistake, and perhaps somewhere in the future I can write Prelude to a Ye Olde Tyme Airplane, wherein I can clean up continuity, while also telling the Wright Brothers story through my own olde tyme eyes. I’m disappointed I didn’t think to connect Stanley Naiboir’s birth with the first airplane ride, considering how much tying together of other stuff there is.

Sorry if you were looking for more shirtless discussion today, but one simply can’t unload that type of emotional internal-external conflict two days in a row. In any case – I love hearing feedback on the book, especially the kind like this, wherein it seems like the person is actually reading it.

Here is Jordi’s website and Jordi’s Twitter.

Oh, and I asked this yesterday but nobody answered – DO YOU USE GMAIL???

I talked to my Mom yesterday, and she told me she doesn’t really read my blog anymore.

This was, as best I could tell, the first time she’s ever been critical of me in a situation that didn’t involve the police.

As such, everything I do from now on will be to entice my mommy to read-it-up again.

(Truth is, I could tell my best stories if I was assured she would never come back. For example, it’s only been relayed in hushed tones among a select few, but “The Toothbrush Story of Charleston, SC – Summer 2008″ is the possibly greatest single act of inspiration I’ve ever committed to reality.)

Anyway, like my sister, Mom will watch any show on TLC/Bravo/VH1 in the area of things like “Go Get That Dress!” or “Top 10 Pop Culture Friends of Last Tuesday”. She loves lists – these are my favorite places:

1) Shaq’s House – Shaq’s house is 47-stories tall, is the best place on Earth, and is pretty much just like the Super Airplane as described here, but without the wings. (It does have the wheels, but they’re purely decorative and non-functional.) The best thing about Shaq’s house is the the front door is always open, and Shaq is there.

2) Best Buy – This is the happiest place on Earth, which is slightly different from the “best” designation Shaq’s house has. Given the choice between the two, I’d still pick Shaq’s house, because he has a to-scale Best Buy replica in the second sub-basement.

3) A Field – Wikipedia says:

A field refers generally to an area of land enclosed or otherwise and used for agricultural purposes such as cultivating crops, usage as a paddock or generally an enclosure of livestock, or land left to lie fallow or as arable land.

That sounds pretty accurate.

4) Another Field – This is pretty much the same as the previous field, but it’s just South of it. The lines of demarcation aren’t legal or defined by bank deeds, but rather moral in nature. And that’s a double-subtext.

5) The Woods – This is on the other side of the first field, and has trees and sometimes a moat or sewer pipe, or an arrangement of trees and bushes that can form a fort of sorts, provided you bring some plywood back to cover any gaping holes.

What are your five favorite places? The first 10 people to answer “No place is my favorite :( ” and give a valid reason win trophies.

(Before anything else, @alexiskn won the massive contest of being the coolest person on Thursday.)

Big thanks to @littlefoxy, an explosively charismatic independent filmmaker who helped me re-brand the blog.

This doesn’t mean Prelude to a Super Hammer Drill is coming soon – don’t fret. What it does mean is I had to look up “hammer drill” and make sure it was something I could comprehend.

From what I can tell, it’s like a drill that you have to swing down on some kind of nail/screw amalgam. Like the drill is spinning, and you’ve gotta bash it down onto the scrail at just the right moment, allowing the bit to align with the grooves.

It all seems kinda counter-productive, but if I were gonna go hang out at a construction site one day, I’d hope these are the kinds of activities I’d witness.

The director of WSM? emailed lasterday – he wants you all to know it was the refs’ fault the Celtics lost in triple OT to the Bulls lasterday. It wasn’t Paul Pierce’s fault for laying a weak foul on Noah, thus eliminating himself from the game and giving CHI a three-point-play, all at once.

Nobody understands how hard it is to be a Boston sports fan.

Finally, if you note this Tweet from @ColleenBurns and this witness-style Tweet from @jabberjim, you’ll know I’m really good at a lot of things.

It’s all far too complicated to go into here, but I owe @ColleenBurns a poem. Here’s what I put together, foreshadowing my trip to Orlando this summer.

Brian Spaeth’s Constant Sparkle Two

Silent night,
Holy night,
Constant sparkle,
Yeah that’s right.

Monday night,
Tuesday night,
Constant sparkle,
Summer flight.

Constant sparkle,
Here I come,
Tony Tone Toni,
Maybe go spend the weekend in Tampa.

Constant sparkle,
Like Chernobyl,
Sent via BlackBerry,
From T-Mobyl.

Last thing – @oopspow made up the AirTrain, just in case you see it in my work somewhere one day.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

In celebration of me and @ColleenBurns having impending BFFness – you know you can feel it – here’s the until-now unrevealed to the public soundtrack to Prelude to a Super Airplane.

Those of you who have read the book know when in the narrative you’re told to play this ominous, doomsy, track. The rest of you have sad faces.

The three composers are:

Daniel J. Coe – he did the score to WSM?, and saved that movie in more ways than one. Like, seven ways.

Rob Gokee – I’ve known Rob for like three years now. He got me on Twitter, so in some ways he saved my life. (Rob on Twitter.)

Kevin Samuels – Kevin is my lost brother from another life. This is the guy I lived with back in September, when I was subletting in that Armenian building. We share the exact same taste in everything, to an uncanny degree. (Kevin on Twitter.)

I have interviews with all these guys also, which one day I’ll post – I swear. I implore you to listen to this all the way through – Kevin’s track is maybe the most doom-laden of all.

Just to empty the closet out, here are all of Eastham Way’s poems.

As you know, I’ll never apologize for how much I amuse myself, and sometimes when I amuse myself, I also have actual good ideas.

This popped out of me on Twitter lasterday.

I might start a website called “Idiotic Things I Have Said to Famous People on Twitter”.

I’d probably want to limit it to people in the NBA, just because that doesn’t seem so much like harassment, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun. For example, I’ve said all of these purely by accident.

@jalenrose I like when the ball goes through the hoop and goes SWOOSH!

@paulpierce34 Hey Paul not to be forward but my girlfriend said to ask if you would like to have a romantic lunch date with her.

@paulpierce34 I wrote a movie called Paul Pierce: The Movie and in it you are shopping for Happy Birthday presents for your friends.

@THE_REAL_SHAQ What you think of this beat: Boom-boom cheh, da-boom-cheh-cheh, boom-boom-da-doom (in the 09…09) – thx

Okay, so the Brad Radby book – yesterday you got the Foreword. Here’s a link to the Introduction, by none other than Eastham Way.

I want to get into the movies, though. And I would stress, if you’re gonna read this online, do it in order.

While it’s very skip-aroundable in many aspects, there is a definite narrative, especially inside the production notes.

Brad Radby’s first released movie was Dragon’s Game, which came out in 1999. It was the start of a major new franchise for Bruce Willis, wherein he played a college football coach in Hawaii, who was also an action detective.

His main nemesis was always the President, and in the glory days of the franchise, this was a role inhabited by Keanu Reeves. An excerpt from Brad’s own summary of the movie:

When Bruce wakes up he’s in a coffin, and the coffin is hanging off a bridge, and when Keanu blows up the bridge, that’s how he’ll kidnap the scientist from his electric magnet car, and then he’ll get the stolen cold fusion recipe, which the scientist took because Keanu wants to tie the cold fusion to a missile and shoot it at other countries.

Keanu explains this to Bruce, and when Bruce tries to be sneaky and get out of the coffin, Keanu is like “no-no-no” with his finger.

Dragon’s Game was one of the first of these that I wrote, and came from some throwaway thing in PTSA, when I needed to name one of Brad’s movies. At the time, I had no idea what it would be.

The entire book is posted in blog form over there, is downloadable as a pdf, and the paperback version is now available, as well.

(The Amazon one isn’t up yet – as soon as it goes live, I’ma link up this and PTSA so you can get both for some kind of exciting discount. The Kindle version is indeed active.)

And just in case you need to make me feel horrible about my click-thru stats, here’s @ColleenBurns from Twitter – feel free to go meet her instead of reading my free and hilarious book.

In her background picture, she’s like, “Hello! Here I am!”

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

Let’s note one thing – since some weeks ago, when I went off the grid and made an assertive effort to get over the DEC loss to Washington, the Cavaliers have not lost.

Now that they seem to have fixed their on-court problems, I’m back in November/December mode.

It’s hard not to be, because this team (as I said back then) is like watching the ’95 Indians, and a lot of that is just because they seem to be having so much fun together.

Did I stick with them through an ugly patch? No…but it’s not like I went and cheered for another team. I think I just need to not watch the NBA in January from here forward.

(I’m also aware that stating a team that’s going to win 66-69 games had an “ugly patch” is inconsiderate to fans of say, the Lasers or Knicks.)

The 60 Minutes piece on LeBron was well-done if not Earth-shattering. I found far more entertainment in the piece before that one, where they talked about how lions are being poisoned in Kenya.

For some reason whenever they talked about poison I had laughing happen to me. It’s just that the way they used the word had me picturing people going out in the safari with big, generic looking bottles that had skulls and crossbones on them.

The narrator was always like:

And what are they using to kill these lions…?
(dramatic pause)
POISON.

Okay, so let’s start breaking down my second book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby (The Complete Filmography 1999-2023).

Radby and his first film The Exploders are pretty integral to the plot of Prelude to a Super Airplane, but this book is completely accessible whether you’ve read that or not.

It’s mainly his own summaries/analysis of all his films, which were primarily made between 1999 and 2013. He is best described as some combination of Brett Ratner, Michael Bay, and myself.

That said, the book is allegedly written in 2023, 10 years after the events of PTSA, so here and there you receive some nice hints into what happened after the 47-story Super Airplane left ground.

Let’s start with the HISTORICAL NOTE and FOREWORD.

In the spring of 1998, Brad Radby quietly directed his first movie, then titled The Exploders, and starring Bruce Willis, Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Diane Lane, Chris Rock, and Gene Hackman.

When it was finally released in May of 2013 as BRAD RADBY’S THE EXPLODERS, the film industry was changed forever. In the years between, Mr. Radby directed thirty-six other movies, before his alleged death aboard the famed Super Airplane in December of 2012.

Inside these pages, in his own words, Mr. Radby walks you through each of these films, giving valuable insights into the stories, and the stories behind the stories.

Therein, you will also finally learn how the massive typo on the cover of PTSA happened, what the first movie to ever win two straight Best Picture awards was, and how many people survived the Super Airplane ride.

(This seems almost futile, since the percentage of people who click through to my completely, 100% free book vs those who click through when I point out a good-looking girl on Twitter is amazingly off-balance in one direction.)

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)
(Read the entirety of my movie parody book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, completely for free.)

Because I’ve been asked for a visual enough times by now…the below diagram is crude, and only estimates how high the landing gear of the Super Airplane would elevate it off the ground.

I was going to write something about the Cavs getting Joe Smith and Drew Gooden being available, and how the Celtics are maybe being sad about getting Mikki Moore so early, but then like I realized that’s all I had to say about it, and I’d already said it on Twitter.

See what I mean about the Twitter-Blog Murder thing?

Okay, here’s something new – I got my first hardcore legit bad feedback on Prelude to a Super Airplane. Yes, I will post it this week sometime – I don’t want anyone to think I’m only posting good reviews. (It just happens to be that most of the feedback is good.)

I’m also not going to like defend every point this reader makes – the book is not for everyone. Still, when you’re dealing with something like a 47-story airplane as shown below (and above), it’s best not to try and over-examine.

As Kingsley’s definitive essay said – just go with it.

I’m aware that the wings would be slicing the buildings in half here, but I’m not like an airplane engineer or civil engineer or whoever the person who would figure this picture out is.

And yes – in my mind the Super Airplane looks exactly like a regular airplane – it’s just way bigger.

Okay, so because my brain works in strange ways, I’ve come up with something called “The One Person Marketing Plan”.

This all started lasterday when internet marketer Steve Weber, via Twitter, said the following:

One of the biggest problems online marketers have is in choosing the wrong niche or not focusing enough on the micro niches within a niche.

As I’m prone to do, I made an idiotic response that took 4 seconds to think up and type:

@steveweber I have one person I’m doing all my marketing toward, and once they buy my book, I have a 100% success rate to brag about.

Then, continuing my typical process, I took an off-handed and irreverent comment, and turned it into something you can metaphorically grasp and feel up.

Would this work? Could I target one person and convince them to buy my book? What would be the effect of such a thing?

A few keys/points to this:

1) It has to be done in a fun way. This isn’t aggressive marketing like, “HERE IS MY PRODUCT, I WILL HARASS YOU UNTIL YOU BUY IT.” It’s more like a flirtation – almost like trying to get a girl to give you a kiss on the cheek when you’re hanging out together at 4am under a parked semi truck drinking cheap beer.

(Remind me to tell you that story sometime if I ever meet you in person. It occurs to me I might need a blog my mom doesn’t read to chronicle some of the funniest things I’ve ever done. Mom, if I put a disclaimer on certain posts, would you agree not to read them?)

2) I’d need to pick someone who will, after buying my book, be glad they did it. I would want to target someone who would like it, as opposed to someone who would not like it. Read that sentence four times, and out loud. thx

What’s the point of this? Why do all kinds of work for one sale?

I’m not sure – but now that it’s in my head I kinda feel a need to do it. I’ll let this stew over the weekend and decide whether to do it on Monday. More than anything, I just think it’d be funny, because I would execute all of this in a transparent manner here for you.

And yes – I would consider romancing one of you, but I’d rather pick a random person. Thoughts?

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

(WSM? people – make sure to read the bottom of this post.

Tracy McGrady is going to have microfracture knee surgery solely so he doesn’t get traded.

He just officially moved into the list on the Top 10 Most Disappointing Players of All-Time, right?)

Alex Rodriguez was peering down the back alleys of the Dominican Republic, and he couldn’t believe what he was about to do.

Alex turned to look at his fake cousin – he was also in disbelief, because he didn’t have a name and wasn’t real. How did he get here?

They’d flown together on a real airplane to get here, to the Dominican. Alex Rodriguez loved airplanes – they were so pure, and just, and graceful, and airplaney.

Not like Alex himself. Not after what he and his fake cousin were about to do, which was something not at all pure, nor just, nor airplaney. It was perhaps graceful, if one were to rearrange the letters of the word into a new word that meant “bole buyer”.

“Hey, esse! Psst! Bole, bole, bole, ariba!”

Alex Rodriguez peered down the alley again, and he knew the moment was at hand.

He, Alex Rodriguez, the golden boy of Major League Baseball, was about to buy bole, the mysterious Dominican energy booster that made you get bigger and stronger, and had to be injected just like steroids, but weren’t steroids.

Natch.

“I’m so young and naive…” Alex said to his fake cousin, which meant he was saying it to himself. In any case, he had said it out loud, which had made the bole dealer giggle.

The giggle scared Alex Rodriguez, because it was the kind of giggle that was a precursor to increased muscle mass through illegal means.

Alex stood up straight, took a deep breath, and then hunched back down. This made him an inch shorter, which perhaps, along with his fake beard and Sherlock Holmes costume, would keep anyone from recognizing him.

Recognition is when people know who you are.

Even as he watched his foot step forward, Alex Rodriguez couldn’t believe he was walking down this alley. But Alex Rodriguez kept walking anyway.

(WSM? people – let me know if you got your DVDs.

I know some have arrived, but a few have gotten kicked back because of “insufficient postage”, which is bizarre because they were all exactly the same and I did it on the machine.

This is kinda why I wanted to do this through Createspace (as seen to your left), but you would’ve had to pay for them, and I couldn’t put those individualized watermarks on that way, either.

With how cursed this movie is, you had to know something would go wrong for inexplicable reasons.)

I have apparently obtained compassion of some kind.

Revisiting the “Alana G/NBA Tattoo Limit/Journalism” thing from the other day…the reporter in question first called, and then emailed me, asking what I knew.

Translated, that means, “OMG WTF REALLY? REALLY?”

I’m going to assume/hope that she was gonna try and put one over on me, but my gut tells me ‘no’. In fairness to her, she also sent a follow-up email a couple hours later that said if my NBA contact wouldn’t go on the record, she couldn’t use anything. So…maybe she did hop on Google and realize I was doing jokery.

In any case, I didn’t do anything with her, mainly because I felt bad about it. This has never happened to me before about anything. I did send her this.

from Brian Spaeth
to Niki Dandrea
date Tue, Feb 17, 2009 at 6:15 AM
subject Re: NBA Tattoos (New Info)

Alana G is my girlfriend. Sorry I am a bad person. :(

Brian

PS Sometimes when I lift weights I go out of my way to do exercises in areas of the gym where there are more girls. :(

PPS When I say she’s my girlfriend I mean we do on-the-lips kissing all the time.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Remember to buy my book – www.superairplane.com

I dunno – in any case, I feel awful about not being a bad person for your entertainment and reading pleasure, and submit the following without comment:

That reader is currently winning, because for the life of me I can’t figure out why they crossed out the ’1′. Read this post if you’re wondering wtf is going on.

In an effort to reach out to more people who think about airplanes, I’ve also been doing some interviews with people who run airplane-enhanced sites.

This means their sites are powered by and for airplanes.

One of these is Brett, aka The Cranky Flier. He has a squadron of 94 vintage WWII airplanes that do nothing but keep his site powered by battery-powered, solar wind energy.

He agreed to answer some questions about the airplane riding industry. Please go check out his site when you have a chance.

1) I noticed on your website that you used to go to the airport in your youth just to watch the airplanes do their taking off and landing. In my book, I do a similar thing, because my character thinks about airplanes all the time. Do you think you could beat me in a “who could think about airplanes more” contest?

That’s a tough one. I think I can definitely contend, but it’ll be tough to prove. Now if you want to have a contest to see who knows the most airport codes, well, then I’ll take you in a second.

When are the major airplane ride companies going to ask for their bailout? This is also addressed in my book, and after I put in that thread, it struck me as quite realistic. Now I’m wondering why it hasn’t happened.

In my opinion, it’s because the airlines are actually in decent shape (for once) compared to other industries. They all prepared for imminent doom when oil was way up at $147 a barrel. Now the fall of oil prices has given them a good buffer to fight the declining economy. So in the scheme of things, most of them probably don’t need it (yet).

Since you’re the Cranky Flier, when you’re on an airplane, are you always grumbling about something and making sour faces?

Yes, most people mistake me for Walter Matthau or Jack Lemmon when I fly. Actually, I’m not that cranky when I travel, because I know how things work. Delays happen and so do cancellations, so I’m just going to roll with the punches.

If there’s anything I can do to help out, I’m always game for that as well. The only time I get cranky is if I know that I’m being lied to or treated unfairly for some reason. Then it’s time to throw down.

This was the trick question, but I don’t remember what the trick was. :(

Clearly Brett has dodged the airplane-thinking challenge, thus I have been declared the winner. You can follow Brett on Twitter here.

(Lakers-Cavs talk will best be found on my Twitter feed – Cavs by 5.

This is somewhat of a companion piece to my screenplay writing post – I seem to get occasional emails on this since the book came out.

Few jokes, so pass on through if this doesn’t interest, although there’s some general discussion of internet marketing in what follows.)

Here on February 8, 2009, I’m five weeks into self-publishing.

This is everything I’ve learned, hypothesized, and rationalized.

I’ve broken this into four sections – Why, How, Marketing, and Results-to-date.

Keep in mind, all of the following applies to me and my book, Prelude to a Super Airplane. It may not apply to you and your book, even if your book is about the events leading to the creation of a 47-story airplane and its tumultuous affect on those individuals involved in same.

WHY SELF-PUBLISH?

I decided to self-publish for a few reasons:

1) It’s easy to do today with the print-on-demand services.

2) I’ve been through the torture of finding agents and producers in my screenwriting career, and there’s a reason it’s torturous. I’m not good at hurry-up-and-wait, especially when the results are largely unknown and likely lean toward “zero”.

I’m also not an aspiring author – I just happened to write a book. Of course I want people to read it, but I’m not banking on it for a career. I have no plans for another book.

3) Even if I could find a publisher, the book might not come out for a year or more, by which time I will have forgotten I wrote it.

4) Everything you read today says publishers are cutting their pr/marketing staffs, and authors are expected to do a ton of legwork and marketing themselves.

5) It’s 2009, and the ability to market yourself and your product is readily available. Many small-press publishers, which let’s face it, a first-time author like myself would probably end up at, are doing many of the same things I am right now.

This is not to say there aren’t negatives to this, and that there aren’t huge positives to finding an actual publisher. That said, having an official publisher’s name on the spine or getting into bookstores aren’t things I care about, and if I’m expected to do a ton of marketing myself, I might as well get the most benefit financially.

HOW TO SELF-PUBLISH

I used Createspace, which is owned by Amazon. This is how PTSA comes to be listed on Amazon. The books come out physically of great quality, it’s easy to use, and you can make a decent margin on it, all things considered.

(You make a higher margin if the book is sold through your own site, which is why I direct people to there. I have sold the majority of my copies via my own site so far.)

There are other print-on-demand companies. The other big one is Lulu, but my book came out priced at $25 through there, so I nixed it. They do hardcovers and such, which Createspace doesn’t, so if you want to go that route, you may need to use Lulu.

All-in-all, I can’t complain about Createspace, and you can order copies of your own book at cost, if you want to get a bunch of them and sell them in back alleys to airplane addicts.

Another note – it took me a long time to figure out how to format this thing in Adobe InDesign, and I’m also fortunate to be handy in Photoshop for my cover art. There are companies that will do all of this for you, such as Booksurge, but that’s also going to cut into your margins.

For me, it was worth it to figure it out myself, and I also get mad when I can’t figure something out. (See: binary.)

HOW TO MARKET

1) Marketing is awareness. I try to make people aware of the site here, get them hooked on what I do day-to-day, and then casually seduce them into buying the book at some point.

(I know some of you will argue that it hasn’t exactly been casual, but I try to make things like the reviews interesting, ie the chats and such.)

Anyway, that’s my thing – if you like my blog, you’ll like my book. So you build a blog audience. That, unfortunately, is an entirely different companion post, but there are plenty of resources out there.

(I’m writing my “how to build a successful blog” post next weekend, and it includes stuff like reaching out to other bloggers to give them coverage, ie the interviews I’ve done with sports blogs.)

2) Excerpts. My book is pretentiously split into a “Part 1″ and “Part 2″, and I was actually going to put the entire first part (basically half the book) online for free.

A traditional retailer, let’s call him MY DAD, scared me off of this tactic, but I realize now I should’ve gone with my instincts. His argument was that I was opening the door for people to not like it.

My counter was that if they read the first half and liked it, they’re hooked, and are more likely to buy it than if they just thought it sounded interesting, because now they’ve read half and they want to finish it.

I also said that if they don’t like it, I wouldn’t want them buying it, anyway. Maybe I’m just like super nice, but I’d like to have someone be happy they spent money on my product.

Anyway, the whole point is that in 2009, transparency and such is really important in marketing. Intelligent people don’t fall for, nor do they appreciate, marketing trickery. (And clearly only intelligent people would want to read about a 47-story airplane.)

“Hey, here’s my book – I hope you like it and want to read the rest.”

I’m pretty confident in PTSA’s ability to be well-liked by its target audience (15-40 year old males), that I’ll put it out there in this manner. (I know only 55 pages are up right now – I’m doing it as a three-pronged attack.)

NOTE: If your book sucks, you’re in trouble on this approach.

3) Reviews. I have reviews on this site only so far, save for Roundie Henchman Ben Cox, who has reviewed it before he read it. I have 5 or 6 legit media/pop culture or book reviewing sites that have agreed to review so far, but that of course will take time. Books aren’t movies, even though mine is an easy read.

Best way to do this is to ask for a review and offer a free copy to do so with. Try making friends with them on Twitter/Facebook/etc, or by commenting on their blog/site first.

Yes, this is blatant schmoozing, but that’s part of business and marketing, and if there’s a mutual interest in what you both do, everyone wins, i.e. I’m not going to a hardcore science journal review site or a blog that does romance novel reviews and seeing if they want to review my book.

4) Stalkers. If you have any, they’re guaranteed to buy your book. I’m 2/2 on this count.

5) Media coverage. There are other things being done out there, such as blog book tours, offering yourself for podcasts, media/blog stories, or radio interviews, but I’m not really high on that at the moment.

I’m kinda jammed with a bunch of other stuff I’m doing, a lot of times you run into dead ends on that front, and I also don’t need to sell 10,000 books today.

I’m fine with a slow build, and I’m also in the position that I’ve got WSM? coming up, which should kinda gonna give me a nice boost in awareness of my work.

Overall, the point here is you can do almost anything, but I’m not of the opinion the hard sell is the way to go these days. You’re not going to sell 1000 books in week one. Probably not in your first six months, unless you’ve got some other stuff going on, or your book happens to have some kind of news-worthy element that gets you a ton of coverage.

I’d say give yourself a web presence, make that presence of value through offering chicken recipes, and then you’ll have people aware of, and supporting, your work. At some point they are likely to buy your book.

You rinse and repeat that enough times, and momentum and publicity will begin to generate itself. Here are some other sites I’ve found to educate myself on book marketing, and they all have links to other useful sites:

Nothing Binding
Author Marketing Experts
Chris Hamilton’s Publishing News
Nathan Bransford – Literary Agent

Those are great starts in terms of getting educated. Don’t fool yourself – this is a lot of work, and like I said about screenwriting, not a get rich quick scheme.

RESULTS

This is, of course, the number one question I’ve gotten: how many books have you sold? The answer is not as many as I’d like, but not as few as it could be.

Really, it’s been fine, and the most important thing is the feedback has been terrific. Like I said above, this isn’t necessarily a RIGHT NOW thing for me, so I’m happy to know people are enjoying the book. The fact that it’s a good read for people will do as much (eventually) as other actions.

One thing I’ve gotten a lot of is, “I’m planning to buy it at some point.” Book-reading is not an immediate, “Ooh…I’ll get to this right away” type deal, like a movie, unless you’re Harry Potter or Twilight. I’d guess even hardcore readers have a backlog of 10 books they need to get to.

That’s about all I know so far.

I’m five weeks in, and I’d guess the “three months in” post would look totally different. If you’re thinking about self-publishing, the first thing you have to do is finish your book, so I’d get started on that right away.

Tom asked the following in a comment-area?

What is more impressive: LEEbron James getting a triple-double w/ 50 or Kobe with 61 and 0 rebounds and -3 assists?

Since Tom hates Kobe, I must assume this is sarcasm. Clearly, the answer is LeBron’s game, but I’m sure this won’t stop Sportscenter from running 50 different segments comparing the two performances.

Lost was amazing; here’s another book review – from Adam over at Black Heart Gold Pants. He even provided an illustration, and this is something I highly encourage.

If you haven’t read Chapter 9 of Prelude to a Super Airplane, wherein I give my detailed description of the Super Airplane, that there was a link to it. Adam’s words:

I’ve always wanted to be a review whore. You know, the one who makes a living by sitting through the latest Martin Lawrence vehicle and says things that scarcely make sense, like “Outrageous!” But you said you wanted real opinions, so fine.

(I still kinda hope that if you take one snippet from this “review,” it would be, “‘Outrageous!’ – Adam J.” But moving on.)

Lord have mercy on anyone if they take anything about this book seriously. The romances are preposterous, you’re clearly using the book to try to get laid, and the ending wrecks the entire stylistic premise, should The Flight of the Super Airplane ever be written*. But if it’s not immediately obvious to the reader that they’re reading a self-referential farce (and a particularly clever one at that), then they probably have larger problems than whether or not the book in front of them is any good.

There’s a pervasive silliness to PTSA, one that permeates every aspect of the book. There’s the rampant misuse of the term “fingering,” the wholesale revision of aviation lingo, and the fact that the airplane is 47 stories tall. I’ve attached a visual aid, because the sheer ludicrity of what you were suggesting didn’t really hit me until my second time through the book. Here’s how silly the book is: There’s a typo on the cover and I still can’t tell if it’s intentional.

But all the same, it’s fun. The plot ties together quite tidily, the quick chapter breaks make it an easy read (no chance of getting bogged down), and it’s always enjoyable to see the world through a demented set of eyes. Which you’ve got.

Outrageous!

–Adam J

*And if it isn’t written, then this book is a damn waste; not only is there no climax, there’s no action, period. This book would be the equivalent of that [redacted for taste] flopping around in that porn interlude from the Super Bowl.

How is this not action? That’s an entire war scene! This was a great review – thanks to Adam for taking the time.

You can read the first 20 “quickly broken chapters” starting right here.

Okay, this one will be a bit surreal for those of you who have either already read my book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, and perhaps a little for those who went over and checked out Chapter 20 here on the site.

It was for me, since life really imitated art during this chat.

(I highly recommend you go read that link above – it won’t take long.)

Anyway, Michael J. Mikolay is both a real life person, and a character in the book – I chatted him up yesterday on Facebook (or Facesbook, in PTSAese) to allow him to recall his thoughts and feelings before, during and after reading Prelude to a Super Airplane.

The chat starts…now.

Michael: I agree.

Brian: And that Rob destroyed that tape is the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Brian: Okay let’s talk book – were you scared or excited when I told you I was making you a character in my book?

Michael: I was a bit scared to be honest.

Michael: Hey this is embarrassing but I need to continue this in about 30 minutes. Our Monday morning meeting is starting and I need to go.

Brian: wtf
Brian: lol no worries I will keep it open – this is just like in the book!

Michael: Sorry man. No joke. I lost track of time. I’ll keep this open as well. Sorry!
Michael: I’m back. Meeting over. Where were we. I think you asked me to explain why I was a bit apprehensive about being in your book.

Brian: Yes that was the question.

Michael: Well, since you and I hadn’t spoken in quite some time, I really didn’t know what to expect. I was curious how I would be portrayed and what the book was even about. I think I asked that in return for using my name I needed three things: To be portrayed fairly, I forget the 2nd item and the third was that I got a signed copy of the book. So far you made good on 1 & 2. ;);)

Oh, #2 was that I got to read a draft which I did.

Brian: Yes you wanted to make sure your wife and daughter wouldn’t be embarrassed, and considering what I was like the last time we knew each other, I can see where your concern might be lol

Michael: True, very true!

Brian: Little did you know I write like all kinds of family friendly stuff. And yeah I need to get you that signed one – forgot about that.

Michael: No worries. I did buy two copies that arrived last week. I was excited when they arrived. It was the highlight of my week when the UPS man arrived.

Brian: Okay, so now that you’ve read it, how did you feel first about the book overall?

Michael: I find that it is very hard to tell people what the book is about since it incorporates so many story lines. I liked it & it held my attention. What I am worried about is that upon reading your last blog entry, I find myself questioning if my intelligence is only that of a 5th grader. The women who reviewed your book said that 5th grade boys would love it. I find myself loving it so what does that equal?

Brian: I think she is misguided by her book snobbery. The target audience would be like 17-35 year old men although my dad liked it, but he was in it too. I think a lot of it would go right over the head of 5th graders but they would like the big airplane and Monstero I suppose.

Michael: Phew, I feel better about myself then. For a few moments I thought I’d soon find myself back in Hudson seeking a lunchtime football [game] with Principal Siegferth.
Michael: Can I ask you a question?

Brian: wtf?

Michael: It seems that all the other characters use the common first name, last name except I am referred throughout as Michael J. Mikolay. This is a three part question, 1) Why the formal use of my name and 2) Do you recall what the middle initial stands for & 3) if not, what did it stand for in your mind while you wrote the book?

Brian: 1) From just a basic sound standpoint, the J broke up the name appropriately. Michael Mikolay said too quickly can get jumbly. Also, it just fit the character, and would cause people to ask just what you are now. Discussion is good.

2) I do not recall for sure, but I think it’s James. I think this was something you tried to hide like your secret piloting lessons.

3) I never once thought of what it might stand for while writing the book

Michael: Wow, excellent. The answer to number 2 is incorrect but perhaps your blog readers should take a guess and you could offer them a discount of some monetary value to buy your book should they get it right.
Michael: Are you thinking about airplanes right now?

Brian: YES. Were you?

Michael: It seems as if you disappeared over to Twitter and have grown bored with my conversation. Therefore, I have proven that I think about airplanes more.

Brian: Okay, so how do you feel about the Michael J Mikolay character in the PTSA? I was working on my site AirplaneTwitter so it counts.

Michael: Wow, I’ll have to follow that when we’re done. As for the character, I have enjoyed reading the involvement of Michael J. Mikolay in the pro-airplane movement. He seems to have been an innovator. I share his passion towards aviation and also have brothers named Chris and Justin as well as a Mother named Carol. We are similar in many ways.

Brian: Would you have taken the same stand in Congress that he did?

Michael: Yes.

Brian: Oh excellent.
Brian: I know it’s a big dumb book, but there are certain moments like that one that really resonated for me in a real world sense.

Michael: I agree. I think some should stand up and say [redacted - spoilers].
Michael: I like how Michael J. Mikolay made the Secret Service Agent feel in that part of the book…angsty. Excellent new word.

Brian: What do you think happens to Michael – clearly his story is not over. Oh, and I like how Peter Ovaire refers to Justin as a buffoon lol

Michael: Yes. I liked that too. As for Michael J. Mikolay’s story… If read correctly, isn’t there some finality to it? Unless of course there is a supernatural element that you may be referring to?

Brian: Well, if you assume that Russell is successful in what he’s about to do, there’s finality. But I don’t think that should be assumed.

Michael: Ah yes, good point. See, that is why I think I am still at a 5th grade level at heart. :(:( I need to grow up so I understand life!

Brian: Yeah for real. Okay well this was good – is this a book you would recommend your family read, for some deep insight into you?

Michael: Hmm… Excellent parting question. Probably. I’ll have to ask my Mother Carol who received the book recently. No matter if it says anything about the “real” Michael J. Mikolay or not, it still is an intriguing read from cover to cover.

Brian: Excellent – one of the deleted scenes that didn’t make the book is Chris getting tortured by terrorists btw. It was totally random and meaningless, but I really enjoyed writing it.

Michael: Wow. I didn’t know that. I hope it was therapeutic. I feel that somehow this is allowing you to get some type of aggression out against the Mikolay name. I really hope that we didn’t affect your life in a negative way. If so, we apologize.

Brian: No you guys were in my top 5 Hudson families for sure.

(You can follow Michael J. Mikolay on Twitter here.)
(You can follow me on Twitter here.)
(You can read the first 20 Chapters of Prelude to a Super Airplane online starting here.)
(You can buy Prelude to a Super Airplane here or on Amazon.)

Hey, so a few things are going on, and I really need to get it out here and open up an honest discussion.

Hear my bullet points out. There are two sets of them.

1) I am sick of pushing my book on you guys unless it’s actual reviews, subliminal, or something of value, like I’m giving away copies. I don’t want to talk about it just to talk about it.

2) Part of the problem, however, is my life is largely composed of pushing the book elsewhere, and working on another piece of writing I’m committed to, in addition to some stuff I can’t talk about.

Thus, there’s not much happening right now that encompasses funny/interesting/non-selling.

3) I can’t continue this charade of re-integrating myself into the sports blogosphere. It’s not that it doesn’t have its merits, or that there’s nothing there of value – it’s just that the things that bothered me about it before are getting worse, and it’s just not someplace I want to be.

(This doesn’t mean I won’t write about the Cavs – don’t worry.)

Anyway, what I think I want to do is try and integrate myself into a new part of the blogosphere that I have no right wanting to be a part of. I want to do this in a transparent and stupid manner, the details of which I have worked out in my head.

Now I just need to figure out which area I’m heading into.

a) Airplanes
b) Science
c) Math
d) Politics
e) Nutrition/Fitness
f) Fashion
g) Cars
h) Environmental
i) Video Games
j) Travel
k) Religion
l) Being an Internet Marketing Expert
m) Comic books
n) Lumberjacking
o) Poetry

I don’t know – what do you think? Anything not on the list you think would work? I’m not going to make a fool of anyone – I just want to see if I can be accepted.