From the category archives:

Airplanes

Mile High Club Failure

by Brian on March 10, 2010

in Actoring, Airplanes, Cleveland Cavaliers

(This is my current phone b/g – I am all in on CLE basketball.

Also, this post was edited, cause it was even worse before, if you can believe that.)

So I’ve been on a few airplane rides over the past week, and on the longest of them, I spent time sitting with a girl who spilled whiskey on my leg.

She was a lot of fun, I asked if I could call her Sara, and we became best friends for 4+ hours.

We told our cool stories about our lives, and analyzed the personae of everyone around us in the most stereotypical manner possible.

After a bunch of time doing that, it was the part of the airplane ride where Sara spilled the whiskey on my leg.

I screamed, “OH NO THERE’S WHISKEY ON MY LEG!” over and over until the airplane waiter came back and asked what was wrong.

I repeated, “Oh no…there’s whiskey on my leg…” except quiet and sad this time, so Sara could see the different kind of inflections I could make my voice do.

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Goo Goo Dolls, Pink, and Coldplay

by Brian on February 25, 2010

in Airplanes, Blackberry, Brad Radby, Girls, Music

BRAD RADBY (To your right – from the cover page of what I am writing at right now.)

A lot of people ask me the classic “what kind of music do you listen to” question when they’re trying to date me.

This is not info I disclose readily – it has to come out in an organic fashion.

For example, from the following, try and figure out if I listen to the 3 musicians named in the title of this post.

Brian: Hey soul sister is on again wtf
Brian: Who sings this I hate it so much

Girl: Train
Girl: Lolol

Brian: Its so girly lol
Brian: Like is Girly Rock a genre now

Girl: Oh mon brion lol

Brian: I blame the Goo Goo Dolls – they started this back in the 90s lol

Girl: Omg themmm

Brian: Hey Jealousy!

Girl: I love that song!!

Brian: when did that come out
Brian: I think it was like 94?

Girl: I don’t know brian I was like [redacted] then

Admittedly, there’s a lot more interesting stuff than musical taste happening in that exchange, such as relationship-based math.

Here’s another go at music.

Brian: Lolol that Pink song “I’m comin up” is on

Girl: Oh god lol

Brian: I haven’t heard this in a long time
Brian: It’s terrible lolol
Brian: Everybody’s dancin and they’re dancin for me!

Girl: Horrible

Brian: I’ll be your operator you can all anytime, I’ll be your connection to the party line!

Girl: We should remember what year it came out and then use that to compare our ages again

Brian: : /

Last one.

Brian: I was at this party one time and Coldplay came on and this dude LOVED them like in a really hipster/snobby way and I kept saying they were originally called Coldburst
Brian: He made me go read their Wikipedia page he was so pissed
Brian: And I was like “yeah they must’ve had it taken off so nobody would find out”

Girl: I don’t believe you

Brian: You weren’t even born yet when they were Coldburst lol

Seriously, Pink has been famous for almost a solid ten years now. I’m trying to think who she compares to historically – like how will she be remembered 20 years from now?

I don’t thunk her music has really transcended anything, but obviously they still play it now and then, and she’s been in the cultural zeitgeist for a good chunk of time.

What does zeitgeist even mean – I’m in over my head again. Did I just call Pink a Nazi?

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{ 7 comments }

Napkin Writing Question

by Brian on January 28, 2010

in Airplanes, Screenwriting, Super Airplane

I’ve been working on this script for something that’s being put together, and I’m a little back and forth on the writing style – I do think my time in novel-land messed with me just a bit.

Anyway, here’s a small piece.

Chelsea follows Jazz to the back – she’s all giddy as she passes Colleen, who notices Timothy being all fidgety and nervous. She sits next to him and gives him a napkin.

COLLEEN

Here.

TIMOTHY

We’ll get out of this, right? He can do this?

He takes the napkin all thankfully, but he’s terrified – NOT EVEN THE NAPKIN IS HELPING.

COLLEEN

(hesitant)

I’ve seen Jazz do some...

(beat)

I was at the Jefferson Incident. The Memorial.

TIMOTHY

I know that, Miss Burns.

He unfolds the napkin and starts tearing it up.

TIMOTHY (CONT’D)

I know a lot of things I shouldn’t.

Anyway, the part I’m questioning is the action line that ends with the big “NOT EVEN THE NAPKIN IS HELPING”. Especially the end, but the whole line is in question.

Debating with myself:

1) It does nothing to help from a production angle – it’s really a bunch superfluous words, and there are more compact ways of getting the point across that the napkin isn’t making him more at ease.

Example: He takes the napkin – it brings no comfort.

2) On the other hand, this isn’t a shooting script, and the way it’s written all over-dramatic to the point of stupid helps put across the ridiculous-played-straight tone of the material.

It needs to be played like this napkin should be a Xanax or something, and this is a way to do that without having to be all “even though it’s a napkin, he takes it from her like it should be relaxing him”.

At the same time, I do know that some readers will need their hand held like that, though. (And that’s fine – they’re not predisposed to like this, if I had to guess.)

3) A lot of the script is written in this style, and it reads FUNNY. So tell a coherent a-b-c story along with that, and you’re in good shape – a good story that made you laugh is a successful comedy screenplay.

I dunno – my thoughts – would love yours.

NOTE: For you Prelude to a Super Airplane fans, Timothy is someone you will know, at least indirectly. (It’s not Colonel T, and this story takes place in 2001.)

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Requests by Becky

by Brian on July 15, 2009

in Airplanes, Facebook, Girls, Readers, WSM?

(There’s no way the picture to your right can end well, yet I’m sure something entertaining will come out of it. She knows I think all of this, also. This is why that status update rarely happens.)

So this is the first in the 13-part series of “posts by request,” which resulted from GOt’s backlash against my content.

Whether the entire run is completed is unknown – as TVBrain pointed out, it’s simply not likely. Let’s start with Becky, my female-internet-BFF for all time.

5 questions for you, because you’d rather discuss yourself than anyone else:

Hahha this is so true. I don’t even know my girlfriend’s middle name yet, but I asked her to get mine tattooed on her forearm, under an anchor that also has my middle name on it.

1) To date, what has been your favorite memory of airplanes, or your favorite memory of thinking about airplanes, or your favorite memory of remembering thinking about airplanes?

You’re correct that my brain works in this way. I was just thinking about this one time I was on an airplane, and while I was on the airplane, I was thinking about another time I was on an airplane. Against all odds, each memory of remembering superimposes the residual memory. It’s like I’m playing telephone with myself.

2) All-Star 1-on-1 2009: who wins? You may not use LeBron James or any variation of him in your answer.

Calvin Stadiums, clearly. And Becky, why exactly haven’t you challenged him to a game in his How Badly Would Calvin Stadiums Beat You in 1-on-1? Facebook group?

Thanks for giving me that opening btw. How’d you know I’d need it when you emailed these 8 months ago…?

3) You’re allowed one cosmetic surgery for the rest of your life…until the end of time, even, and only one. One singular procedure, no “botox every 3 months once I turn 40.” What is your one chosen surgical enhancement?

Genetic Rehab and Haltation Synthesis.

This basically resets your genes to a given age of your choosing, and freezes them there. Pills and nanobots maintain it. This will actually come to pass – I believe within the next 25 years.

4) You hate dogs. Due to some zany sitcom-esque development, you have to partner up with a dog to solve mysteries and be best pals. What type of dog do you choose? What do you name him? How long until you learn to love him, learning a valuable lesson on canine loyalty and companionship? Or does this not happen unless he saves your life? Does your answer change if the dog talks

This is so funny, because I would choose these dogs:

For the record, I was alive in 1990, and this idea would’ve been just as ludicrous back then, wouldn’t it?

5) Why do you cut yourself?

Teen angst.

When Genetic Rehab and Haltation Synthesis is released to the public, what age will you physically rehab yourself to and why? Will you name your nanobot, or just refer to it by its serial number?

(Follow me on Twitter here.)

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PTSA Inquiries

by Brian on June 24, 2009

in Airplanes, Books, Readers, Super Airplane

super-airplane Former contributor to my old website (which has finally been restored/overhauled into its final “death” format) Jordi Scrubbings emailed with some troubling questions regarding elements of my first book, Prelude to a Super Airplane.

I’m reading your book. 2 questions:

1) The VP was 108 years old in 2012. That would mean he was born after January the year AFTER the first airplane flight. Do you explain why he is not 109 years old? Or do you not think of old airplanes?

2) Where is the best place to read the final 100 pages? I was thinking in an airplane terminal sitting next to a 25 yr old brunette female model singer person. Any other recommendations?

I’ma tackle the second question first, because it’s easier – you need internet access to fully experience the final 100 pages, because therein is when you’re instructed to turn on the soundtrack. Without the musical backing, a certain sequence won’t be nearly as tumultuous as it needs to be.

That said, reading PTSA inside an actual airplane station is a huge positive – there’s nothing like the viral, tempest-laden joy one absorbs seeing the various airplane riders about to take their respective airplane rides.

That, or maybe read it in the locker room at the gym.

As to the first question, this is just a massive mistake, and perhaps somewhere in the future I can write Prelude to a Ye Olde Tyme Airplane, wherein I can clean up continuity, while also telling the Wright Brothers story through my own olde tyme eyes. I’m disappointed I didn’t think to connect Stanley Naiboir’s birth with the first airplane ride, considering how much tying together of other stuff there is.

Sorry if you were looking for more shirtless discussion today, but one simply can’t unload that type of emotional internal-external conflict two days in a row. In any case – I love hearing feedback on the book, especially the kind like this, wherein it seems like the person is actually reading it.

Here is Jordi’s website and Jordi’s Twitter.

Oh, and I asked this yesterday but nobody answered – DO YOU USE GMAIL???

(Do a tempest and check out the first 55 pages of Prelude to a Super Airplane for free by clicking here. It’s also available in paperback, or on iPhone/Kindle for only 1.99.)
(Follow me on Twitter here.)

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My 5 Favorite Places

by Brian on May 5, 2009

in Airplanes, Best Buy, LeBron James, Liking Things, NBA, Super Airplane

I talked to my Mom yesterday, and she told me she doesn’t really read my blog anymore.

This was, as best I could tell, the first time she’s ever been critical of me in a situation that didn’t involve the police.

As such, everything I do from now on will be to entice my mommy to read-it-up again.

(Truth is, I could tell my best stories if I was assured she would never come back. For example, it’s only been relayed in hushed tones among a select few, but “The Toothbrush Story of Charleston, SC – Summer 2008″ is the possibly greatest single act of inspiration I’ve ever committed to reality.)

Anyway, like my sister, Mom will watch any show on TLC/Bravo/VH1 in the area of things like “Go Get That Dress!” or “Top 10 Pop Culture Friends of Last Tuesday”. She loves lists – these are my favorite places:

1) Shaq’s House – Shaq’s house is 47-stories tall, is the best place on Earth, and is pretty much just like the Super Airplane as described here, but without the wings. (It does have the wheels, but they’re purely decorative and non-functional.) The best thing about Shaq’s house is the the front door is always open, and Shaq is there.

2) Best Buy – This is the happiest place on Earth, which is slightly different from the “best” designation Shaq’s house has. Given the choice between the two, I’d still pick Shaq’s house, because he has a to-scale Best Buy replica in the second sub-basement.

3) A Field – Wikipedia says:

A field refers generally to an area of land enclosed or otherwise and used for agricultural purposes such as cultivating crops, usage as a paddock or generally an enclosure of livestock, or land left to lie fallow or as arable land.

That sounds pretty accurate.

4) Another Field – This is pretty much the same as the previous field, but it’s just South of it. The lines of demarcation aren’t legal or defined by bank deeds, but rather moral in nature. And that’s a double-subtext.

5) The Woods – This is on the other side of the first field, and has trees and sometimes a moat or sewer pipe, or an arrangement of trees and bushes that can form a fort of sorts, provided you bring some plywood back to cover any gaping holes.

What are your five favorite places? The first 10 people to answer “No place is my favorite :( ” and give a valid reason win trophies.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

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{ 46 comments }

Hammer Drills, Boston Fans, Poetry

by Brian on May 1, 2009

in Airplanes, Girls, Google, My Art, NBA, Poetry, Super Airplane, Twitter

(Before anything else, @alexiskn won the massive contest of being the coolest person on Thursday.)

Big thanks to @littlefoxy, an explosively charismatic independent filmmaker who helped me re-brand the blog.

This doesn’t mean Prelude to a Super Hammer Drill is coming soon – don’t fret. What it does mean is I had to look up “hammer drill” and make sure it was something I could comprehend.

From what I can tell, it’s like a drill that you have to swing down on some kind of nail/screw amalgam. Like the drill is spinning, and you’ve gotta bash it down onto the scrail at just the right moment, allowing the bit to align with the grooves.

It all seems kinda counter-productive, but if I were gonna go hang out at a construction site one day, I’d hope these are the kinds of activities I’d witness.

The director of WSM? emailed lasterday – he wants you all to know it was the refs’ fault the Celtics lost in triple OT to the Bulls lasterday. It wasn’t Paul Pierce’s fault for laying a weak foul on Noah, thus eliminating himself from the game and giving CHI a three-point-play, all at once.

Nobody understands how hard it is to be a Boston sports fan.

Finally, if you note this Tweet from @ColleenBurns and this witness-style Tweet from @jabberjim, you’ll know I’m really good at a lot of things.

It’s all far too complicated to go into here, but I owe @ColleenBurns a poem. Here’s what I put together, foreshadowing my trip to Orlando this summer.

Brian Spaeth’s Constant Sparkle Two

Silent night,
Holy night,
Constant sparkle,
Yeah that’s right.

Monday night,
Tuesday night,
Constant sparkle,
Summer flight.

Constant sparkle,
Here I come,
Tony Tone Toni,
Maybe go spend the weekend in Tampa.

Constant sparkle,
Like Chernobyl,
Sent via BlackBerry,
From T-Mobyl.

Last thing – @oopspow made up the AirTrain, just in case you see it in my work somewhere one day.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

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{ 30 comments }

Dan Coe, Rob Gokee, Kevin Samuels

by Brian on April 10, 2009

in Airplanes, Brad Radby, Bruce Willis, Music, Poetry, Super Airplane

In celebration of me and @ColleenBurns having impending BFFness – you know you can feel it – here’s the until-now unrevealed to the public soundtrack to Prelude to a Super Airplane.

Those of you who have read the book know when in the narrative you’re told to play this ominous, doomsy, track. The rest of you have sad faces.

The three composers are:

Daniel J. Coe – he did the score to WSM?, and saved that movie in more ways than one. Like, seven ways.

Rob Gokee – I’ve known Rob for like three years now. He got me on Twitter, so in some ways he saved my life. (Rob on Twitter.)

Kevin Samuels – Kevin is my lost brother from another life. This is the guy I lived with back in September, when I was subletting in that Armenian building. We share the exact same taste in everything, to an uncanny degree. (Kevin on Twitter.)

I have interviews with all these guys also, which one day I’ll post – I swear. I implore you to listen to this all the way through – Kevin’s track is maybe the most doom-laden of all.

Just to empty the closet out, here are all of Eastham Way’s poems.

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{ 2 comments }

NBA on Twitter, Dragon's Game

by Brian on March 31, 2009

in Actoring, Airplanes, Books, Brad Radby, Bruce Willis, Celebrities, Girls, NBA, Twitter

As you know, I’ll never apologize for how much I amuse myself, and sometimes when I amuse myself, I also have actual good ideas.

This popped out of me on Twitter lasterday.

I might start a website called “Idiotic Things I Have Said to Famous People on Twitter”.

I’d probably want to limit it to people in the NBA, just because that doesn’t seem so much like harassment, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun. For example, I’ve said all of these purely by accident.

@jalenrose I like when the ball goes through the hoop and goes SWOOSH!

@paulpierce34 Hey Paul not to be forward but my girlfriend said to ask if you would like to have a romantic lunch date with her.

@paulpierce34 I wrote a movie called Paul Pierce: The Movie and in it you are shopping for Happy Birthday presents for your friends.

@THE_REAL_SHAQ What you think of this beat: Boom-boom cheh, da-boom-cheh-cheh, boom-boom-da-doom (in the 09…09) – thx

Okay, so the Brad Radby book – yesterday you got the Foreword. Here’s a link to the Introduction, by none other than Eastham Way.

I want to get into the movies, though. And I would stress, if you’re gonna read this online, do it in order.

While it’s very skip-aroundable in many aspects, there is a definite narrative, especially inside the production notes.

Brad Radby’s first released movie was Dragon’s Game, which came out in 1999. It was the start of a major new franchise for Bruce Willis, wherein he played a college football coach in Hawaii, who was also an action detective.

His main nemesis was always the President, and in the glory days of the franchise, this was a role inhabited by Keanu Reeves. An excerpt from Brad’s own summary of the movie:

When Bruce wakes up he’s in a coffin, and the coffin is hanging off a bridge, and when Keanu blows up the bridge, that’s how he’ll kidnap the scientist from his electric magnet car, and then he’ll get the stolen cold fusion recipe, which the scientist took because Keanu wants to tie the cold fusion to a missile and shoot it at other countries.

Keanu explains this to Bruce, and when Bruce tries to be sneaky and get out of the coffin, Keanu is like “no-no-no” with his finger.

Dragon’s Game was one of the first of these that I wrote, and came from some throwaway thing in PTSA, when I needed to name one of Brad’s movies. At the time, I had no idea what it would be.

The entire book is posted in blog form over there, is downloadable as a pdf, and the paperback version is now available, as well.

(The Amazon one isn’t up yet – as soon as it goes live, I’ma link up this and PTSA so you can get both for some kind of exciting discount. The Kindle version is indeed active.)

And just in case you need to make me feel horrible about my click-thru stats, here’s @ColleenBurns from Twitter – feel free to go meet her instead of reading my free and hilarious book.

In her background picture, she’s like, “Hello! Here I am!”

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

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{ 28 comments }

Cavs, 60 Minutes, Radby

by Brian on March 30, 2009

in Airplanes, Books, Brad Radby, Bruce Willis, Cleveland Cavaliers, Fictional Spaceships, LeBron James, Movies, NBA, Super Airplane, Twitter

Let’s note one thing – since some weeks ago, when I went off the grid and made an assertive effort to get over the DEC loss to Washington, the Cavaliers have not lost.

Now that they seem to have fixed their on-court problems, I’m back in November/December mode.

It’s hard not to be, because this team (as I said back then) is like watching the ‘95 Indians, and a lot of that is just because they seem to be having so much fun together.

Did I stick with them through an ugly patch? No…but it’s not like I went and cheered for another team. I think I just need to not watch the NBA in January from here forward.

(I’m also aware that stating a team that’s going to win 66-69 games had an “ugly patch” is inconsiderate to fans of say, the Lasers or Knicks.)

The 60 Minutes piece on LeBron was well-done if not Earth-shattering. I found far more entertainment in the piece before that one, where they talked about how lions are being poisoned in Kenya.

For some reason whenever they talked about poison I had laughing happen to me. It’s just that the way they used the word had me picturing people going out in the safari with big, generic looking bottles that had skulls and crossbones on them.

The narrator was always like:

And what are they using to kill these lions…?
(dramatic pause)
POISON.

Okay, so let’s start breaking down my second book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby (The Complete Filmography 1999-2023).

Radby and his first film The Exploders are pretty integral to the plot of Prelude to a Super Airplane, but this book is completely accessible whether you’ve read that or not.

It’s mainly his own summaries/analysis of all his films, which were primarily made between 1999 and 2013. He is best described as some combination of Brett Ratner, Michael Bay, and myself.

That said, the book is allegedly written in 2023, 10 years after the events of PTSA, so here and there you receive some nice hints into what happened after the 47-story Super Airplane left ground.

Let’s start with the HISTORICAL NOTE and FOREWORD.

In the spring of 1998, Brad Radby quietly directed his first movie, then titled The Exploders, and starring Bruce Willis, Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Diane Lane, Chris Rock, and Gene Hackman.

When it was finally released in May of 2013 as BRAD RADBY’S THE EXPLODERS, the film industry was changed forever. In the years between, Mr. Radby directed thirty-six other movies, before his alleged death aboard the famed Super Airplane in December of 2012.

Inside these pages, in his own words, Mr. Radby walks you through each of these films, giving valuable insights into the stories, and the stories behind the stories.

Therein, you will also finally learn how the massive typo on the cover of PTSA happened, what the first movie to ever win two straight Best Picture awards was, and how many people survived the Super Airplane ride.

(This seems almost futile, since the percentage of people who click through to my completely, 100% free book vs those who click through when I point out a good-looking girl on Twitter is amazingly off-balance in one direction.)

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)
(Read the entirety of my movie parody book, Brad Radby’s Brad Radby, completely for free.)

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← Previous Entries

Airplanes

Mile High Club Failure

Goo Goo Dolls, Pink, and Coldplay

Napkin Writing Question

Requests by Becky

PTSA Inquiries

My 5 Favorite Places

Hammer Drills, Boston Fans, Poetry

Dan Coe, Rob Gokee, Kevin Samuels

NBA on Twitter, Dragon's Game

Cavs, 60 Minutes, Radby

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