The Face Break

By On June 10, 2009 · 49 Comments · In Doctors, Violence

brian-spaeth1(This is a wonderful companion piece to The Shoulder Tattoo.)

The doctor appointment went pretty good yesterday – nothing much to address, except what I was there for, which remains a fun mystery for everyone.

I did almost pass out, as I usually do when medical procedures are explained. Not that there wasn’t fun to be had. For example, each and every preliminary question – the ones where they ask whether you’re allergic to stuff, drink/smoke, etc – was answered thusly:

“Ummm…I had the bronchitis once – is that what you mean?”

That’s re-purposed material from Twitter, by the way. Anyway – here’s what I was at a cosmetic surgeon for – that’s right, a cosmetic surgeon.

In mid-2002 I got assaulted in a bar bathroom, shattered a cheekbone and one eye socket, and now I’m all jacked up with screws and plates on one side, i.e. I’m a Terminator. This is either awesome or really awesome, depending on how cool you are. Some points of interest:

1) Don’t ask if I set off airplane station alarms – I don’t, and that’s such an easy joke, I’d be insulted if you did it. Everything is titanium.

2) Nobody knows who did it or why exactly I was assaulted. Kingsley – who I went to college with – can probably come up with some viable scenarios, all of which result in me agreeing that I probably deserved to at least get beat up a little, but not face-smashed into a wall while at a urinal. (And yeah – this incident is why I really don’t drink much anymore.)

3) Against what one would assume, my eyesight in the broken side improved after the breakage/surgery. I was 20/20 before, which means the nanobots inside the plates have become sentient, and are working day and night to make me more than just a normal man. (I’m convinced this is why I shrugged it off when I got hit by that car, yet the car was damaged.)

4) The one thing I remember from the entire face-getting-smashed incident was screaming “MY FAAAAAACE…! NOOOOOOOOOooooooo…!” upon impact into the offending wall.

5) As to yesterday, I’ve been feeling some odd pressure around the eye, so went to have it checked out. Also, last week I sneezed and half a hardware store shot out of my nose, so I figured maybe there was a problem. There will be some touch-up work done. Simple procedure; no big deal.

That’s about it, although I suppose there are offshoots to this story, like the time I looked at my dental x-rays with a new dentist and claimed I had no idea that there was a screw in my upper jaw. I doubt I’ve ever had to hold in more laughter than when I looked at her kinda dumbfounded and asked, “How do you suppose something like that happens?”

Anyway, whoever can come up with the best scenario for how and why this happened can have a free copy of PTSA. Leave it in the comments – what exactly did I do? Also, do you you have any exciting broken pieces of yourself stories? (Physical only – let’s leave emotional damages for another day.)

 
  • nrojb

    facebook and twitter weren't around yet, so there goes my first 17 theories. was this is in LA or some other place?

  • nrojb

    facebook and twitter weren't around yet, so there goes my first 17 theories. was this is in LA or some other place?

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    It was in Akron lol.

    Two other things from the doctor appt:

    1) The waiting room of a cosmetic surgeon is one of the best places to people watch, so long as it's not like a cosmetic surgeon who fixes mangled people. You're just like trying to figure out what people are having done.

    2) The doctor asked me if I was happy with my nose. I was like, “from the surgery?” and he was like, “no, just in general.”

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    It was in Akron lol.

    Two other things from the doctor appt:

    1) The waiting room of a cosmetic surgeon is one of the best places to people watch, so long as it's not like a cosmetic surgeon who fixes mangled people. You're just like trying to figure out what people are having done.

    2) The doctor asked me if I was happy with my nose. I was like, “from the surgery?” and he was like, “no, just in general.”

  • goathair

    Sure, you don't set off airplane metal detectors. But how about all the other metal detectors? I'm thinking mainly of the beach scavenger type.

  • goathair

    Sure, you don't set off airplane metal detectors. But how about all the other metal detectors? I'm thinking mainly of the beach scavenger type.

  • http://www.jenwatch.com orange5o

    what bar in akron were you at? i may know who assaulted you….

  • http://www.jenwatch.com orange5o

    what bar in akron were you at? i may know who assaulted you….

  • TVBrain

    I have a family member who had 10 screws and 2 plates put into his arm. He did set off the airplane station alarms.

    I'm too tired to come up with a clever scenario, but I will join the Roundie Henchman now, believing that you will save the world in the future.

  • TVBrain

    I have a family member who had 10 screws and 2 plates put into his arm. He did set off the airplane station alarms.

    I'm too tired to come up with a clever scenario, but I will join the Roundie Henchman now, believing that you will save the world in the future.

  • http://alexisreviews.tumblr.com alexiskn

    1) really awesome.
    2) you're kind of on your way to becoming part robot. really hot.
    3) really LOL at the dentist thing
    4) if you were singing mariah carey incessantly, i'd have done the same thing, so maybe that was it. or maybe you left your blinker on for, like, 10 miles.

  • http://alexisreviews.tumblr.com alexiskn

    1) really awesome.
    2) you're kind of on your way to becoming part robot. really hot.
    3) really LOL at the dentist thing
    4) if you were singing mariah carey incessantly, i'd have done the same thing, so maybe that was it. or maybe you left your blinker on for, like, 10 miles.

  • http://projectspurs.com/ Michael

    I've already got a copy coming, but I'll take a guess anyway.

    Kobe Bryant was in town and decided to teach you a lesson so that you would never use his nickname again in a movie not featuring him. And if you do feature him in the future, he wants full creative control, even if the movie is called “Kobe working a white girl in Colo.”

  • http://projectspurs.com/ Michael

    I've already got a copy coming, but I'll take a guess anyway.

    Kobe Bryant was in town and decided to teach you a lesson so that you would never use his nickname again in a movie not featuring him. And if you do feature him in the future, he wants full creative control, even if the movie is called “Kobe working a white girl in Colo.”

  • Wish

    Jose Mesa did it. Why? Because he can. Case closed.

  • Wish

    Jose Mesa did it. Why? Because he can. Case closed.

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    cosmetic surgery? wtf

    you're a man, deal with the pain

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    cosmetic surgery? wtf

    you're a man, deal with the pain

  • http://projectspurs.com/ Michael

    Ok, my movie title would've been much funnier if I kept the original title and added on to it, “Kobe Doin' Work on a white girl in Colo.”

  • http://projectspurs.com/ Michael

    Ok, my movie title would've been much funnier if I kept the original title and added on to it, “Kobe Doin' Work on a white girl in Colo.”

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    OK, either everyone is being nice, or none of you actually knew Brian back then. But I can paint a vivid scenario:

    Brian is at the bar drinking gin & tonics, dumping every other one down his shirt and saying “I have a drinking problem.” At some point he he spills most of a drink on a slightly overweight chick in a mini-skirt, too much make-up, and 8-inch heels. She is not pleased. Not at all. He half-heartedly says he's sorry and gets another drink, and then high-fives a friend about the drink spilling. Meanwhile, the chick's high-school dropout, tough-guy boyfriend comes over and, despite the group of friends Brian is with (they're all tall and obviously work out), gets in his face, demanding a better apology, a round of drinks, etc. Brian laughs it off. Guy persists. Brian looks at the chick, then at the guy, and says, “Don't worry about it. She's not really worth getting worked up. It's cool.” And puts a comforting hand on the guy's shoulder, as if to say, “We're cool. I get it.” Guy removes the hand and says not to touch him, and one of Brian's very strong friends intervenes, gets the guy away. Buys him a drink, etc. It's done.

    But they guy is fuming, waits until Brian goes into the bathroom, and…this is how it ends.

    Brian is a sweet guy, a lover and not a fighter, but he used to (presumably) get in trouble with his witty comments.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    OK, either everyone is being nice, or none of you actually knew Brian back then. But I can paint a vivid scenario:

    Brian is at the bar drinking gin & tonics, dumping every other one down his shirt and saying “I have a drinking problem.” At some point he he spills most of a drink on a slightly overweight chick in a mini-skirt, too much make-up, and 8-inch heels. She is not pleased. Not at all. He half-heartedly says he's sorry and gets another drink, and then high-fives a friend about the drink spilling. Meanwhile, the chick's high-school dropout, tough-guy boyfriend comes over and, despite the group of friends Brian is with (they're all tall and obviously work out), gets in his face, demanding a better apology, a round of drinks, etc. Brian laughs it off. Guy persists. Brian looks at the chick, then at the guy, and says, “Don't worry about it. She's not really worth getting worked up. It's cool.” And puts a comforting hand on the guy's shoulder, as if to say, “We're cool. I get it.” Guy removes the hand and says not to touch him, and one of Brian's very strong friends intervenes, gets the guy away. Buys him a drink, etc. It's done.

    But they guy is fuming, waits until Brian goes into the bathroom, and…this is how it ends.

    Brian is a sweet guy, a lover and not a fighter, but he used to (presumably) get in trouble with his witty comments.

  • http://www.jenwatch.com orange5o

    which bar is this? downtown or zip strip

  • http://www.jenwatch.com orange5o

    which bar is this? downtown or zip strip

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    I wouldn't know. This is just my theory. I haven't been back to Ohio since I graduated ten years ago.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    I wouldn't know. This is just my theory. I haven't been back to Ohio since I graduated ten years ago.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    Would a “Can you stick magnets to your face?” comment be trite, as well?

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    Would a “Can you stick magnets to your face?” comment be trite, as well?

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    You forgot the part where I get kicked out of the bar and tell them my dad is the most powerful attorney in N/E Ohio.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    You forgot the part where I get kicked out of the bar and tell them my dad is the most powerful attorney in N/E Ohio.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Not as much, although it just reminds me I can't, which makes me sad. This equipment really came with no party tricks.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Not as much, although it just reminds me I can't, which makes me sad. This equipment really came with no party tricks.

  • Clayton

    Kingsley's story sounds real good.

    I was just gonna guess that maybe Brian was so drunk he was peeing on the shoe of the person next to him instead of in the urinal? :)

    Who knows, though! That's crazy.

  • Clayton

    Kingsley's story sounds real good.

    I was just gonna guess that maybe Brian was so drunk he was peeing on the shoe of the person next to him instead of in the urinal? :)

    Who knows, though! That's crazy.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    Damn it. I knew I was forgetting something.

    The genius of that line is that it's specifically NE Ohio. Saying Ohio as a whole is patently false. Something specific as the Cleveland, Akron, Youngstown area is much more believable.

    Maybe I'll start saying my father is the most powerful lawyer in Central Connecticut.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    Damn it. I knew I was forgetting something.

    The genius of that line is that it's specifically NE Ohio. Saying Ohio as a whole is patently false. Something specific as the Cleveland, Akron, Youngstown area is much more believable.

    Maybe I'll start saying my father is the most powerful lawyer in Central Connecticut.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    That is sad.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    That is sad.

  • Clayton

    I was thinking, the best story is combining all the stories…. Brain spilled booze all over some fat ugly girl, acted like a jerk about it when confronted by girl and boyfriend (but escaped fight because of friends he had with him), was super drunk and went to the john singing Mariah Carey really obnoxiously and loud, and missing the toilet peed on the shoes of the boyfriend of the girl who he spilled drinks all over earlier…

    I didn't know how to fit the Kobe Bryant part in there, but he was there, too! And probably helped!

  • Clayton

    I was thinking, the best story is combining all the stories…. Brain spilled booze all over some fat ugly girl, acted like a jerk about it when confronted by girl and boyfriend (but escaped fight because of friends he had with him), was super drunk and went to the john singing Mariah Carey really obnoxiously and loud, and missing the toilet peed on the shoes of the boyfriend of the girl who he spilled drinks all over earlier…

    I didn't know how to fit the Kobe Bryant part in there, but he was there, too! And probably helped!

  • Clayton

    Oops. Brian, “Brain” same difference here… (sorry… can't seem to edit as a guest!) :D

  • Clayton

    Oops. Brian, “Brain” same difference here… (sorry… can't seem to edit as a guest!) :D

  • http://wordsalso.tumblr.com Sir Pooh de Bear

    Apropos of nothing: what happened to the “Southwestern Airplane Rides Consumer Action Group”?

    PS
    Disqus wouldn't let me record a video. ;_;

  • http://wordsalso.tumblr.com Sir Pooh de Bear

    Apropos of nothing: what happened to the “Southwestern Airplane Rides Consumer Action Group”?

    PS
    Disqus wouldn't let me record a video. ;_;

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    I just couldn't put the time in to do it well, so I nixed it. I'm not a big believer in Facebook groups, so I couldn't seem to get behind pushing my own.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    I just couldn't put the time in to do it well, so I nixed it. I'm not a big believer in Facebook groups, so I couldn't seem to get behind pushing my own.

  • TVBrain

    Oh, there's a difference Clay.

  • TVBrain

    Oh, there's a difference Clay.

  • TVBrain

    Oh, there's a difference Clay.