Adam is Black Heart Gold Pants

(I’m officially (and humbly) re-integrating myself into my old haunt of the sports blogosphere, where I was once a king.

I will not link-bait. I will, however, reach out and touch people in ways that only I can. If you would like to be touched, please email me.)

Okay, next is Adam, who writes something called a Black Heart Gold Pants, and…well, you’ll see.

1) You appear to like jokes, just like I do. Why would you copy me in this way? I invented liking jokes (and Photoshop), and there’s no way there are enough jokes for both of us out there.

I am compelled to challenge your patent on liking jokes. I have liked jokes since 1984, when I made my very first one up. If you’ll permit me a brief indulgence: How does a firefly light up? With a light switch!

In my defense, this is riotously funny to a 3-year-old.

2) I looked for almost 3 seconds, but I can’t figure out which team your blog, Black Heart Gold Pants, is about. Do you have any idea what you’re doing?

Oh, like there’s a team called the Baked Potatoes.

Besides, the point of a fan site is not to be obvious about your allegiances; like jazz, what’s most important is the words you don’t use. Appreciate our genius, you philistine!

3) Mark Eaton vs a choo-choo train. Who do you have in that fight and why, in three sentences.

(NOTE: I don’t usually like to break up posts into “click to read more”, but Adam blatantly broke the three sentence guideline, which was spelled out in a clear and civilized fashion.)

Listen, I made it abundantly clear before this interview that I would not answer any questions about Mark Eaton for reasons that are perfectly clear to the 7’4″ behemoth. Oh sure, he can stand there and block all those shots and have his beard, but he’s a different man off the court. Pardon me for being too forward, Brian S, but are you married? Not for long if you leave her unattended with the Utah Ladyslayer. And I’m the one paying alimony, Mr. Mad Props To Brian’s Thoughts. Can you believe that?! That guy makes millions from the “Top Hats So Big They Might Not Fit In A Door” company (“wear this hat, and you can feel taller than me, Mark Eaton!”), and I’m paying her just because they’re not married! It makes me so mad, Brian S! SO MAD! All you had to do was not mention Mark Eaton, which is easily attainable for basically everybody in America who isn’t in Mark’s immediate family and/or didn’t play with him for Utah. Look, I’m SOOOO SORRY I can’t grow a very good beard on account of my inconsistent hormone patterns, but why couldn’t she have been born 20 years ago so she could rip a home apart for someone talented, like Gregg Allman?! Mark Eaton sucks!

You know what? I hope the choo-choo train destroys him as bad as he destroyed this family. There’s your damn answer. If you see my ex-wife, remind her what a whore she is.

I forgive Adam, because I love “Mad Props To Brian’s Thoughts” as an alternative name for the blog.

Again, if you like whatever team it is he writes about, you can find this over at Black Heart Gold Pants.  (I’m almost sure it’s a college football team of some kind.)

He wins awards and everything. You know – like awards that blogs give to other blogs. That real important stuff.