3 Jobs I Could Never Do

By On April 26, 2009 · 52 Comments · In LeBron James, Misc, My Art, NBA, Social Issues

(Y’know what’s weird? This little piece of Photoshop work I did in 30 seconds is actually kind of cool, and I bet people would think it was real el arte, if marketed correctly.

Like, wouldn’t you want a series of these hanging side by side in your office? “el kobe arte”, “el dwight arte”, “el shaq arte”, etc? It could be like all fake pretentious and stuff.)

I know some of you hate Twitter, and how I talk about Twitter, and how Twitter has stolen much of my attention, but here’s one time when Twitter just wasn’t enough.

Yesterday my fingers made this happen at some point:

3 jobs I would be horrible at: Cop, Teacher, Lawyer.

Being that this is a true statement, and one that I feel a raw, savage need to expand on, I will do so here. Think of it as a Twitter spin-off.

Now, many of you may think, “You just wouldn’t want to do them – if it was your job, you would.” This isn’t true – I’m incapable of doing things I don’t want to. Ask anyone I’ve ever worked for – given a task I can’t find some way to make myself in favor of, I quit.

That said, I can be creative in terms of finding ways to sway my own interest, so it’s not like I’m a perpetual quitter.

Way, way back in history, I spent a week doing basement waterproofing. Being that I wasn’t qualified to use any of the tools, my job was to carry buckets of broken cement from the basement to the truck. This was easily up there with “broken face” and “95mph car-rolled-over-three-times accident” in terms of awful things I’ve had to endure in my life.

I got through it by just moaning, “OH…THESE ROCKS ARE SO HEAVY…OH MAN…” at intermittent moments throughout the day, much to the annoyance of my white trash pot-smoking co-workers who all had cousins and/or wives in jail. (This was the main topic of conversation for the entire week.)

The moments between saying my mantra was filled with recalling and/or imagining how they would react when I said it. It usually involved swearing or smoking cigarettes or talking about the time they got shot and/or stabbed by their own sibling.

Anyway – I’ll try and keep these short:

1) Cop: I’d think every crime was hilarious, I’d let everyone go, I’d never want to wear my hat, and I’d shoot inanimate objects in random places for fun. I’d also be open to any and all forms of corruption. I’d have a gross misunderstanding of whether I was allowed to pull over girls just to flirt with them.

2) Teacher: I’d never stick to the lesson plan, I’d spend most of the day just hanging out with the kids instead of teaching, and I’d have a gross misunderstanding of whether I was allowed to flirt with the female students who were over 18 (or 16, depending) already. Nobody would ever get in trouble for anything, and my main concern would be whether or not I was considered the coolest teacher in school.

3) Lawyer: I’m a horrible negotiator, and I’d spend 90% of the time in court finding ways to scream, “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!” I’d have a gross misunderstanding of whether I was allowed to flirt with the female jurors, and once again, corruption would reign.

Now, I suppose pretending I have these “gross misunderstandings” is incorrect – I’d really just do whatever I wanted. But again, I would never have these jobs in the first place, so this isn’t necessarily a worry.

Cavs by four million today.

What are your three jobs you could never do, and why?

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Download the first 55 pages of my epic, pretentious, and stupid book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, here.)

 
  • alexiskn

    interesting.

  • http://alexisreviews.tumblr.com alexiskn

    interesting.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Is it, though? Do you have three jobs you couldn't do? Have you heard about Dwight Howard's trophy?

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Is it, though? Do you have three jobs you couldn't do? Have you heard about Dwight Howard's trophy?

  • http://twitter.com/ColleenBurns constantsparkle

    i think ur word of the day = pretentious =) And yes, i would buy that art…totally!

    cop: LOL

    teacher: LOL minus the female piece, that's just too much to think about. But I think teachers who are “cool” are the best teachers out there!! I think you would be good if you could not crush on the girls who would land you in jail and then make you the weekly talk on the rocks job

    lawyer: this would make a good tv show, a lawyer who wins cases by sleeping with the female jurors.

    I agree with the cavs prediction!

  • http://twitter.com/ColleenBurns constantsparkle

    i think ur word of the day = pretentious =) And yes, i would buy that art…totally!

    cop: LOL

    teacher: LOL minus the female piece, that's just too much to think about. But I think teachers who are “cool” are the best teachers out there!! I think you would be good if you could not crush on the girls who would land you in jail and then make you the weekly talk on the rocks job

    lawyer: this would make a good tv show, a lawyer who wins cases by sleeping with the female jurors.

    I agree with the cavs prediction!

  • alexiskn

    it is interesting. hence my previous comment.

    i could not be a Pediatrist. ever. i would puke all over everyone's feet. i could also not be a writer because any time i ever had to write essays or papers they were always way shorter than the requirement because i write very succinctly and then i cant fluff it up (hence my previous comment). i could probably write really short children's books. with lots of pictures.

    I DID HEAR ABOUT DWIGHT'S TROPHY AND I WAS IN THE BUILDING WHEN THEY GAVE IT TO HIM WOOOOOO!!!

  • http://alexisreviews.tumblr.com alexiskn

    it is interesting. hence my previous comment.

    i could not be a Pediatrist. ever. i would puke all over everyone's feet. i could also not be a writer because any time i ever had to write essays or papers they were always way shorter than the requirement because i write very succinctly and then i cant fluff it up (hence my previous comment). i could probably write really short children's books. with lots of pictures.

    I DID HEAR ABOUT DWIGHT'S TROPHY AND I WAS IN THE BUILDING WHEN THEY GAVE IT TO HIM WOOOOOO!!!

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    That's hilarious – I used to do the same thing, and would always get in trouble for not filling the necessary “6 paragraphs” or whatever. I'd say I only needed one paragraph to make my point, and they really couldn't argue that I'd done so.

    It's why I like screenwriting – the whole gist of it is to say only what's absolutely necessary to tell the story. Everyone works from that to get it up onto the screen.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    That's hilarious – I used to do the same thing, and would always get in trouble for not filling the necessary “6 paragraphs” or whatever. I'd say I only needed one paragraph to make my point, and they really couldn't argue that I'd done so.

    It's why I like screenwriting – the whole gist of it is to say only what's absolutely necessary to tell the story. Everyone works from that to get it up onto the screen.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    I have a great love for the word pretentious.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    I have a great love for the word pretentious.

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    he does enjoy making it all about himself doesn't he

    and then he proclaims himself to be a man of the people

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    he does enjoy making it all about himself doesn't he

    and then he proclaims himself to be a man of the people

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    It's not Everyone Else's Thoughts About Airplanes, is it

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    It's not Everyone Else's Thoughts About Airplanes, is it

  • Sara

    I want some “el Steve Nash arte” please!

  • Sara

    I want some “el Steve Nash arte” please!

  • joe

    i could never be a lawyer. oh crap, i'm in law school. fml !

  • joe

    i could never be a lawyer. oh crap, i'm in law school. fml !

  • http://www.ndeddiemac.blogspot.com NDEddieMac

    Carny: Clowns scare me…a lot
    Javelin toss measurer guy: after that dude took a spear to the chest for not checking the last javelin thrown quickly enough, no thanks
    PETA activist: I'd get caught laughing at all the ridiculous crap they try to pull. Seriously, stop it PETA, you are hacker than hack, you are ice hack

    BTW, I hope as a lawyer you are able to sleep with the female jurors, that's one of my top strategies alongside tricking people into confessing and wowing them with seersucker.

  • http://www.ndeddiemac.blogspot.com NDEddieMac

    Carny: Clowns scare me…a lot
    Javelin toss measurer guy: after that dude took a spear to the chest for not checking the last javelin thrown quickly enough, no thanks
    PETA activist: I'd get caught laughing at all the ridiculous crap they try to pull. Seriously, stop it PETA, you are hacker than hack, you are ice hack

    BTW, I hope as a lawyer you are able to sleep with the female jurors, that's one of my top strategies alongside tricking people into confessing and wowing them with seersucker.

  • http://AlanaG.com AlanaG

    I could never be a Brian Spaeth Hater if that was my job, because I love him too much. Also, I could never be a Brian Spaeth Lover because it would force me to cheat on Boney, which would break my heart and I would die. Thirdly, I could never be a Non-Paradoxical-List-Comer-Up-Wither.

  • http://AlanaG.com AlanaG

    I could never be a Brian Spaeth Hater if that was my job, because I love him too much. Also, I could never be a Brian Spaeth Lover because it would force me to cheat on Boney, which would break my heart and I would die. Thirdly, I could never be a Non-Paradoxical-List-Comer-Up-Wither.

  • alexiskn

    this comment made me seriously LOL IRL. you can ask CB. im a super dork.

  • http://alexisreviews.tumblr.com alexiskn

    this comment made me seriously LOL IRL. you can ask CB. im a super dork.

  • goathair

    Ninja – too big/not sneaky enough
    Fireman – think fires are pretty cool in the good way, wouldn't want to see them go
    Oceanographer – not sure this is real, but getting eaten by a shark seems horrible

  • goathair

    Ninja – too big/not sneaky enough
    Fireman – think fires are pretty cool in the good way, wouldn't want to see them go
    Oceanographer – not sure this is real, but getting eaten by a shark seems horrible

  • Benet

    I did the short version on Twitter, but here goes. Animal poop scooper. The smell alone makes me gag just thinking about it. Accountant. No offense, but I'm horrible at numbers and this would seem to me to be the most boring job I could think of. I could NEVER be a flight attendant. I would feel complelled to tell passengers about themselves all the time — and not in a nice way. And don't even get me started on how I'd deal with crying children. And before anyone blows a gasket, I am the mother of a 3-year-old.

  • Benet

    I did the short version on Twitter, but here goes. Animal poop scooper. The smell alone makes me gag just thinking about it. Accountant. No offense, but I'm horrible at numbers and this would seem to me to be the most boring job I could think of. I could NEVER be a flight attendant. I would feel complelled to tell passengers about themselves all the time — and not in a nice way. And don't even get me started on how I'd deal with crying children. And before anyone blows a gasket, I am the mother of a 3-year-old.

  • http://mcbias.blogspot.com mcbias

    If my tape (a) had more of me than my lips/chin and (b) wouldn't keep freezing up my computer, it would be here. GRR.

  • http://mcbias.blogspot.com mcbias

    If my tape (a) had more of me than my lips/chin and (b) wouldn't keep freezing up my computer, it would be here. GRR.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Teen angst to the point of growling – approved!

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Teen angst to the point of growling – approved!

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    Waiter: I hate people and have no patience for indulging their whims for changes to recipes.

    Spy: I'm almost certain I'd be a traitor.

    Doctor: I think most pain is mental, so I'd want to constantly tell patients: just ignore it.

  • http://preludetoapretentiousreview.blogspot.com/ Kingsley Le Corbusier

    Waiter: I hate people and have no patience for indulging their whims for changes to recipes.

    Spy: I'm almost certain I'd be a traitor.

    Doctor: I think most pain is mental, so I'd want to constantly tell patients: just ignore it.

  • http://www.jenwatch.com orange5o

    growwwl. bear drink is water.

    been underground for a couple weeks, what did i miss? i saw rawndo has been getting over 10 rajounds a game…

  • http://www.jenwatch.com orange5o

    growwwl. bear drink is water.

    been underground for a couple weeks, what did i miss? i saw rawndo has been getting over 10 rajounds a game…

  • http://mcbias.blogspot.com mcbias

    LOL yes, recording myself on video made me feel like a teenage girl ready to tell all of Youtube about her day. I've been reduced to sheer emotions! Logical thought is for sell-outs!

  • http://mcbias.blogspot.com mcbias

    LOL yes, recording myself on video made me feel like a teenage girl ready to tell all of Youtube about her day. I've been reduced to sheer emotions! Logical thought is for sell-outs!

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    but mamba worry about start of fiscal yee-ahhhhh

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    but mamba worry about start of fiscal yee-ahhhhh

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    Peep show janitor – because I wouldn't want to touch the mop bucket, for obvious reasons

    a teacher – because I'd slap a kid

    a television producer – because all the good tv ideas have been thought of….

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    Peep show janitor – because I wouldn't want to touch the mop bucket, for obvious reasons

    a teacher – because I'd slap a kid

    a television producer – because all the good tv ideas have been thought of….

  • http://www.jenwatch.com orange5o

    yaypoints.com/boney

  • http://www.jenwatch.com orange5o

    yaypoints.com/boney

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Ooops I forgetted to do blogging today.

  • http://madpropstobakedpotatoes.com Brian

    Ooops I forgetted to do blogging today.

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    but mamba worry about start of fiscal yee-ahhhhh

  • http://www.icanprobablydothat.com Boney

    Peep show janitor – because I wouldn't want to touch the mop bucket, for obvious reasons

    a teacher – because I'd slap a kid

    a television producer – because all the good tv ideas have been thought of….

  • http://www.jenwatch.com orange5o

    yaypoints.com/boney

  • http://brian23.com Brian

    Ooops I forgetted to do blogging today.