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6 Songs to Cut Your LeBron James Coming Home Video Montages To

lebron james coming homeI always said I’d need to be heavily romanced in order to accept LeBron James back as a Cavalier.

Turns out it only took about .00002 seconds after hearing one rumor that it might happen.

Now all I do is refresh Twitter and pine for LeBron/Cleveland video montages.

My hope is that video editors everywhere have their timelines all laid out, and just need to drop in the pending “The Return” press conference clips before exporting and hitting publish.

I’d love to see these up by Friday, and while I could cut one myself, I’d much rather just lay out what I want.

Thus, here are six songs to cut your LeBron Coming Home Video Montages to.

(I’ve excluded the Skyler Grey Coming Home one with Diddy. Despite how perfect it is, it’s also to obvious, and actually already has like 6 versions out there.

This one’s probably the best, although I’m not a fan of the title cards.)

I’ve tested the potential of each of the following songs by holding a basketball, closing my eyes, and imagining his first Cleveland chalk toss as I listen to the music.

In reverse order of preference:

6) Let’s Stay Together – Al Green

This should work as a basic getting-back-together mix, using an array of on-court imagery, and clips of me crying. (Email me for these – I have them in full HD in my Dropbox.) I’d be looking for more “interaction with fans/players” clips than game action.

(For those of you who think the ex-girlfriend/boyfriend analogies are weak, I never agreed with you, even when I pretended I did.)

5) Waterloo – Abba

This one’s for those of you who feel like you’re somehow selling out yourself or the city by loving LeBron again.

Look at these lyrics:

Waterloo – I was defeated, you won the war
Waterloo – Promise to love you for ever more
Waterloo – Couldn’t escape if I wanted to
Waterloo – Knowing my fate is to be with you
Waterloo – Finally facing my Waterloo

In light of the Decision, yes, it’s a slightly abusive relationship, but considering Cleveland sports history, maybe that’s the only way we know how to do it, and the only way we’re at ease?

He kicked us in the stomach, but we love him anyway. He’s irresistible.

The Return – no matter what the motivation – is a fantastic story. Embrace it, cry over it, and choose to believe in it. After all, it’s just basketball.

I’m seeing quick clips, dunks, lots of fun. Done right, it should be the feel-good-mix of the 2014 Summer NBA Free Agency Period.

BONUS) Temporary Home – Carrie Underwood

This one’s for Miami Heat fans, and has only Miami Heat clips, and they’re clips where he looks sad and angsted out on the court and bench.

4) Reunited – Peaches & Herb

A bit sensual for NBA Free Agency, which makes it a nice contrast to the rest of these.

These lyrics about learning during our time apart really sold it, and also made me openly weep right in front of my landlord.

I was a fool to ever leave your side
Me minus you is such a lonely ride
The breakup we had has made me lonesome and sad
I realize I love you ’cause I want you bad, hey, hey

I spent the ev’ning with the radio
Regret the moment that I let you go
Our quarrel was such a way of learnin’ so much
I know now that I love you ’cause I need your touch, hey, hey

I don’t know how you should cut this – it’s a really long song. Good luck!

3) Small Town – John Cougar Mellencamp Cougar John

This is straight up stolen from a Larry Bird video on some VHS tape I had in the 80s/90s, but I don’t care. It’s upbeat, it’s feel good, it’s etc.

I only watched half of it because I started crying, but you should be able to use the Bird video as an exact template.

2) Never Gonna Let You Go – Sergio Mendes

This one’s tough because of its sheer length and heavy romantic themes, but the whole Hold You in My Arms Forever chorus over the clip of Lebron and Z hugging after the 2007 Eastern Conference Final crap I started crying typing this – it’s worth it just for that.

Maybe get an audio editor to make a 2 minute version of the song.

1) Mama I’m Coming Home – Ozzy Osbourne

Throw out the rest. As a fan of power ballads, this is the one I want.

I’m seeing lots of slow fades between photos recounting his SVSM and Cleveland years, and MVP ceremony clips, and Miami clips where he’s talking about Cleveland, and those pre-game photo-taking skits, and me crying right now, and bike ride charity footage, and that shirtless personal trainer shopping for tanning beds, and etc.

I don’t think you even need basketball clips in this, outside of some chalk tosses and maybe some on-court smiles. Put Lebron hugging Delonte West somewhere if you can find it, and you’re set.

The lyrics (below) are perfect, too.

Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come, but I ain’t the same

Mama, I’m coming home

Times gone by, seems to be
You could have been a better friend to me

Mama, I’m coming home

You took me in and you drove me out
Yeah, you had me hypnotized
Lost and found and turned around
By the fire in your eyes

You made me cry, you told me lies
But, I can’t stand to say goodbye

Mama, I’m coming home

I could be right, I could be wrong
It hurts so bad, it’s been so long

Mama, I’m coming home

Selfish love, yeah, we’re both alone
The ride before the fall, yeah.
But I’m gonna take this heart of stone
I just got to have it all.

I’ve seen your face a hundred times,
Everyday we’ve been apart
I don’t care about the sunshine, yeah
’cause mama,

Mama, I’m coming home
I’m coming home

You took me in and you drove me out
Yeah, you had the hypnotised, yeah.
Lost and found and turned around
By the fire in your eyes

I’ve seen your face a thousand times
Everyday we’ve been apart
And I don’t care about the sunshine, yeah
’cause mama,

Mama, I’m coming home
I’m coming home

He doesn’t even care about the sunshine. Yeah!

The All-New Adventures of Mature Man – Number 8 Was in My Email Newsletter and Will Make You Want To Parasail

mature-man-classic-2If you opened my latest email newsletter, you know all about the singularly unique stock photo human known as Mature Man.

Not sure why I didn’t check before, but there’s an entire saga-load of Mature Man photos over there.

The actual photo titles are below each photo. The rest is mine.

1) “Hi, I’m Mature Man. My powers are knowing that I’ll never survive the doldrums of my office job. You might say I’m mature enough to know that my empty shelves are a metaphor for my soul.”

Mature man sleeping at office with calculator in hand and computer and papers on desk

Mature man sleeping at office with calculator in hand and computer and papers on desk

2) “That’s why I quit my job and started working from home. My cousin told me I can find a way to make money and help contribute to the household income from right in my own living room, using the magic of the internet and a strong personal brand!”

Photo of mature man, looking forward while sitting down at glass table, working from home with fireplace in background

Photo of mature man, looking forward while sitting down at glass table, working from home with fireplace in background

3) “Say there, Family Cat, from what I’m reading on this computer screen, we might be able to make you into a revenue-generating internet meme…!”

Photo of mature man reading computer screen, with family cat in his lap, while working from home with fireplace in background

Photo of mature man reading computer screen, with family cat in his lap, while working from home with fireplace in background

4) “Mature Woman, now look at this interesting information. They even sell t-shirts of Grumpy Cat!”

“It’s great. Really, I love it, but I have to get to the office.”

“I know I can do this with Family Cat.”

“Mature Man, are you going to work, or…?”

“Family and Grumpy even have the same number of letters!”

Photo of close mature couple looking at information on the computer screen together with fireplace in background

Photo of close mature couple looking at information on the computer screen together with fireplace in background

5) “I just need to think of the perfect meme to make Family Cat turn into a viral video meme video…maybe something will come to me while I put the battery in this electric lawnmower.”

Photo of mature man putting in battery in electric lawnmower on freshly cut plush green grass with home in background

Photo of mature man putting in battery in electric lawnmower on freshly cut plush green grass with home in background

6) “Just need some input to make this viral meme video happen…maybe if I read outdoors while enjoying orange juice. Lots and lots of orange juice.”

Mature Man enjoying orange juice while preparing to read outdoor

Mature Man enjoying orange juice while preparing to read outdoor

7) “C’mon Godaddy…familycat.com…be there for me…”

Mature Man showing positive emotion while working from home

Mature Man showing positive emotion while working from home

8) “I don’t know how familycat.com could be taken…it was meant to be…”

“This blank paper is a metaphor for your life.”

Mature Couple working on Urgent Matter from thier Home

Mature Couple working on Urgent Matter from thier Home

9) “Is this water actually orange juice in disguise? Mature Man! You promised me!”

“The domain was taken…hahaa…why so serious…”

Photo of mature woman angry at man drinking too much with fireplace in background

Photo of mature woman angry at man drinking too much with fireplace in background

10) “Hahaaaa…stop showing so much depression…I’ll just start a blog…”

“You sold your computer for juice money.”

Photo of mature woman, showing depression, cleaning glass table with alcoholic husband in background

Photo of mature woman, showing depression, cleaning glass table with alcoholic husband in background

11) “She has no idea about my vitamin c tabs.”

Mature Man preparing to take his medicine with water while lying in bed

Mature Man preparing to take his medicine with water while lying in bed

You can see the full Mature Man photoset on canstockphoto. If you happen to be Mature Man or the photographer, please contact me – I have a zillion questions about this shoot.